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Eddielee - Archived Blog Posts

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:( I'm standing on the outside of the circle looking in. I want to join, but don't feel welcome. I know what it's like to be left behind, pushed aside, and rejected. Though I can sometimes fool people with a smile, I can't hide my inner pain. I wonder however, if I were in the circle, would things be better? The grass is not always greener on the other side of the hill. Often the things we long for are the things that hurt us. Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong direction.:(
 
Happiness eludes me. So does contentment and acceptance. I'm a storm of emotions riding high and low. I don't mind riding high, but riding low sucks.](*,)

I'm glad I have this blog to express my feelings. The only sad thing is I'm screaming in an empty room. My support system, my Aunt died early in this year. I could talk to her about anything. Nothing was off limits and she always had an answer.:(
 
I went to my doctor a few days ago and learned that I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. Of course my doctor put me on antibiotics. The antibiotics make me very nauseous and have given me montezuma's revenge. I don't think I can take these damn things for 10 days!

Well, I haven't put up a Christmas tree yet. I hadn't felt like going in the attic and crawling around looking for the ornaments. I'll get a tree up sometimes this week. I think the atmosphere of the house will change with a sparkling Christmas tree. How can you not feel better looking at the silver ornaments and bright lights? I'll go by the nursery and get some poinsettias to place on the mantel.
 
Sandy Clawz is spending a lot of money on Christmas this year. I've only brought gifts for three people and have spent a thousand dollars. I have two more people to buy for. They'll get nice, but not expensive, gifts. I'm just glad I have the money.
 
Finally I reach the point of an emotional meltdown. Driving my head through a brick wall is a messy option. How can you put turbulent emotions in to words? Well, I did put up Christmas decorations. Now if I can just keep from doing something stupid the next few days I'll be alright.
 
I've been too busy lately to spend any time on JUB. I'm afraid if I don't check in now and then, people will forget me. Perhaps that's already happened. The memory is very short!

I've been helping family members with personal problems. In spite of that, I've still managed to put up three Christmas trees and decorate the house. The mantel over the fireplace looks really nice. I decorated it with candles, poinsettias, and holly sprigs. Yesterday my little nephew spent time with me telling me everything he wanted for Christmas. He think's his Uncle can do anything, so I'll come through with the gifts. My niece said she wanted a million dollars. I'm going to have trouble filling that request!
 
Farewell? Maybe. I don't think I have anything to bring to the JUB table anymore. It's like writer's block. Anyway, I don't feel like part of the group. Maybe my perception is distorted and I'm just very tired.
 
It's turned very cold. I have to keep myself wrapped up in a blanket when I use the computer. The room where I keep my computer is as cold as a witch's tit. Hot chocolate keeps me nice and warm as well.

I've finished Christmas shopping. It feel strange since I usually don't start shopping till mid December. I don't have everything wrapped. I can't wrap presents worth a damn. I spent a lot of money this year so people are going to have a very nice Christmas thanks to me!
 
The title says it all. Yes, I'm now a victim of the flu. I feel horrible. That explains my short visits to JUB. I like to check in now and then, but don't feel like posting anything.
 
My Dad made a trip this weekend and got a big box of fireworks. We are going to shoot them off on Christmas eve. It's a family tradition going back to the 1950's, before I was born. I would have liked to have made the trip with Dad, but I'm still too sick to do much. I do get a little cooking and house cleaning done.
 
Some of the comments made about religion on JUB are disturbing. Is JUB becoming a place of religious intolerance? The opinions of everyone is valuable however, anger and intolerance has no value. People become angry and say things that are hurtful. I have to seriously consider whether or not JUB is the place I should be.
 
I wonder how long it will be before Rosie O'Donell get's booted off "The View". I'm not sure how long news diva Barbara Walters is going to put up with all the controversy. Take my advice Rosie, think before you speak!
 
I'd like to say a Merry Christmas to the Jubbers that I know... To those who have responded to my blog, to those who have encouraged me, and to those that didn't give up on me,...I wish you all the best this holiday season. Thank you for having patience with a troubled soul such as I.
 
I'm glad that Christmas is over, although I enjoyed it. It was almost a "Currier and Ives" type Christmas, minus the snow. I'm satisfied with the gifts I received. My mood was stable and slightly upbeat.

Now I'm taking another unexpected emotional crash. There's not much I can do about it. I get very weary of this happening. I do everything to avoid it, but my brain does otherwise. It descends out of nowhere, like a black cloud blotting out the light. It comes with no outside cause. It's only purpose is to turn me into a insecure and self-loathing creature.
 
How deep into white trash do you have to descend before Brittany Spears will divorce you? Apparently, WWE (wrestling) may be enough. A little while back K-Fed appeared on "RAW" as an enemy of John Cena. Not long after that, Brittany kicked K-Fed to the curve. K-Fed's due to appear again on "RAW" as the most hated man in America.

K-Fed has always been bad for Brittany's image and career. He takes it to a new low by becoming a villain on WWE. Mrs Spears cannot afford to have her husband portrayed as the most hated man in America. It seems that K-Fed doesn't care about anyone but himself. He has always been more focused on his career than his marriage.

Live and learn, Brittany. You should have dumped that gold digger a long time ago.
 
It seems that the Rosie O'Donell/Donald Trump feued is getting worse. This time it's Donald's fault. He has acted like a total jerk. No matter how angry he got at Rosie's comical comments, he shouldn't be attacking her personal appearance. True, Rosie did joke about Donald's bad comb over. Donald Trump could have handled this situation with dignity. Instead, he chooses to act like a 2 year old.

Donald, take my advice...stop calling Rosie a fat, ugly, looser. If you want to refute her claims, do it with class. You talk about "The View's" low ratings when "The Apprentice" is in the toilet. And why the hell did you drag Barbara Walters into all of this?

Get it together, Mr. Trump
 
Did president George Bush ever have a plan for Iraq? I don't think so, just wishful thinking. The reason for the war was based on deception. The mission has been "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it'. That's a combination that's doomed to failure.

20,000 more troops in Iraq? That may temporarily help the troops already there. In the long term, it will do nothing but cost more lives. Iraq is in a civil war. Not a simple war, but a very complicated one. To have any chance of doing good, the US would have to take sides and fight the opposition. That would involve a long, deadly war.

We can do no more in Iraq. We have to leave and let them solve their own problems. I have to admit, it seems rather rude for us to go in and fuck up the country, then expect them to fix everything.
 
Damn, damn, damn! Well, I've had a fairly long stretch of being stable, but that's over. In a flash, my mood has changed and now I'm deeply depressed and a little manic at the same time. I enjoyed feeling good while it lasted. I fucking hate being bipolar, but what can I do about it? I hope this won't last long. If it does, I'll have to remove myself from JUB. When I get like this I tend to withdraw from everything and spend my time alone. I'll make an effort to fight it and stay in the game.
 
I had the knife in my hand. I had every intention of using it. I fought dark emotions. Sound reason prevailed and I put the knife down. Things are slightly better today. I'll go and see my Doctor Monday.
 
I'm sorry that my last few blog entries have not been interesting or entertaining. Even though it's unpleasant to read, it seems to help me get through. I have no other way to express these feelings. If I posted on any of the message boards, cruel people would rip me to shreds.

I go where my emotions take me. I don't always know what I'll feel like tomorrow. Right now I'm on the depressed side of manic-depression. My condition is rapid cycling and mood changes occur several times a month.

I hope those who read this will have patience with me. I care about everyone. I try hard to be helpful to Jubbers, even when I'm a emotional wreck. I didn't create my condition and would do anything to be rid of it. If I seem a little strange, you'll know why.

I see that I'm slowly approaching 3,000 posts. Where does the time go? I contribute so little to JUB. I wish I had more to offer.
 
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