Ever Been Molested........

[johnboy978]

you're very welcome. If you ever wanna talk just let me know. That goes for everyone. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there to listen and be a friend.

 

[tallguy297]

elvin to answer your question. No way I could never do that to anyone. What I went thru I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Yeah mate...Thank you. Thank you for your post... your courage... and your answer to Elvins question.



We do have a choice in whether or not we continue this cycle.

Your cousin (and I think the guy who abused me) were too weak to resist what they knew was wrong. I dont say that to condemn them nor to excuse them. I say it because I think that some of the perpetrators weren't sick people... they were simply weak souls who sought the affection and trust taken from them by repeating the cylce. They knew what they were doing was wrong and yet were too weak to stop themselves.

Some however are just sick fucks who need serious serious help.

I will never excuse anyone who's done this. But I can feel pity for them. If there is a God they too are dealing with demons.

I also feel nothing but pride and admiration to be surrounded by people in this thread and in my life who prove the bullshit about victims being perps wrong.

Thank you all for sharing, for empowering. Thank you JUB for letting this debate roll on and be out in the open.

I hope you are all proud of what you've achieved. Proud that the hurt stops with you. Proud of the inspiration you give.

 

[woaini]

the guy who molested and raped me was released from jail a month ago. i'm not really sure how i feel about it. i was 6 when it started and 7 when he was arrested. He was my uncle, well i guess he still is. It affected me very badly throughout childhood, and twinned with the fact that my first relationship years later was an abusive one i really felt negatively about sex and what i was worth and i slept with a lot of people under a lot of circumstances i would never consider now. but now i feel like the cycle is complete and it's done with. i've got a really nice boyfriend, he was a virgin and i guess i was attracted to that innocence and the chance to start over. i only feel sorry for my mum, i swear it continues to hurt her more than it does me because it was her brother.

what a dramatic story~ I was molested when I was 11 years old by a postman who worked for my elementry school~ It took me so long to really get over it~

Now it's OK~

 

[Kulindahr]

I wanted to post this separately as that last one was probably the longest post ever for me here on JUB. Below are the lyrics from a song by one of my favorite female singers , Iris Dement, and I think she expresses the subject phenomenally well.

LETTER TO MOM (Iris DeMent)
(c) 1996 Songs of Iris ASCAP
I wrote my mother yesterday 'cause I had some things that I had to say
and I know that when she reads them she's gonna cry
But in the end I hope she sees
that I'm just trying to break free
'cause I've been walking 'round with secrets now, too long

Back when I was barely ten Mom brought home a new boyfriend
and I know that times were bad and he made her feel good
but one night he climbed into my bed
and he left me wishing I was dead
and I've been walking 'round with secrets now, too long

You say I'm digging up the past and it's not wise to go back
but for me it's just as close as yesterday
and I'm not the kind for breaking rules
and I'm not wanting to be cruel
I've just been walking 'round with secrets now, too long

All my life I've felt ashamed, 'cause I thought I was the one to blame
and I vowed to God that no one else would ever know
how he crushed my childish pride
and left me tears that never dried
and I've been walking 'round with secrets now, too long

You say I'm digging up the past and it's not wise to go back
but for me it's just as close as yesterday
and I'm not the kind for breaking rules
and I'm not wanting to be cruel
I've just been walking 'round with secrets now, too long
and I've just been walking 'round with secrets now, too long

If anyone wants to hear the song PM me and I'll send you an mp3 of it.


​

That resonated strongly enough with me that I'm sitting here shaking.

 

[Kulindahr]

Well maybe its time to lose the self control. I'm used to the no flame zones and have actually forced my self to reign in my ability to "let rip" but maybe its time...

Semantics DO NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THIS ARGUMENT. They lessen the experiences of some and diminish the hurt and damage that these experiences can cause. To argue about when some term or another should apply ignores the damage that any of these acts inflicts on the victim.

I couldnt give a rats arse as to whether someone was forced to touch, to perform oral sex, to masterbate or to be penetrated by another. IT DOESNT MATTER. Each and every one of these victims will react and respond differently.

To say that the effect of one sort of act doesn't impact as much as another is both crazy and ignorant.

To suggest any slight chance or possibility that anyone would enjoy these acts as a child when they are FORCED into it is worse. Even in the most brutal assaults our bodies can betray our minds... but if you truly believe thats a sign of enjoyment then you are so far wrong you shouldn't be having this debate.

I respect you guys...I respect this debate.

But to mindlessly spurt things you think you remember, facts that might be true, opinions of celebrities or otherwise just shows a lack of understanding.

I remember gagging. My mouth streched so badly it bled. I remember not knowing that someone could be so big... I remember it like yesterday yet it was 28 years ago. I remember pain. But you know what... those things healed.

I remember crying and the shame and the guilt. I remember "dont tell your parents... its our secret", I remember hating myself, I remember how often it was, where its was. But some of those things are still healing.

And thats why the level of abuse, the type and the nature doesn't matter.

The loss of trust, the instilling of fear and suspicion, the lack of confidence - they are the real damage caused by abuse. They are the real effects.

To suggest that as victims we will reoffend is offensive. I'm sure some do...but my guess is that they would have anyway. No one with any degree of respect and value for life would treat another this way.

Bayern, I dont know you but I respect you. So I'm not going to rain down on you.

But I will say this. You have made some dangerous generalizations. You have repeated things that you've heard without thinking them through. You have suggested things about the character and nature of people in this thread that are based on nothing other than ignorance emotion and ego.

Listen and look at what these guys have said. Understand the motives of someone like Elvin opening up and baring his soul. None of us want to... we dont wear signs nor do we look for sympathy.

But we all who have posted hope this might make a difference. That others who might feel alone realize they are not. That no matter the type sort or extent of the abuse it doesnt matter. They will be accepted respected trusted and cared for.

And that we might help others who havent been abused learn more, accept more, care more and become more.

These guys have trusted you with the deepest darkest secrets of their lives. Try and understand the courage it takes to do that. Theres guys here who have told no one this stuff before. Dont get into an argument for the hell of it. Dont assume Oprah or anyone else is right or wrong. Theres no winners or losers.

Just dont judge us and condemn us... and we'll try not to do it to you.

Thank you -- tears have replaced my shakes.

Just one point to pick at: you said "loss of trust"; I'd call it destruction of trust. You said "lack of confidence"; I'd say shattering of confidence. Because at an early age, those things are fragile, and molestation slams them into pieces.
Sometimes they never get rebuilt.

 

[lightkeeper483]

when i was 7 an uncle of mine forced me to suck him off and right before he came he put his penis in my butt . he was 16 it hurt and I was 20 before I told any one.

 

[lightkeeper483]

when I finally told my family they told me i was making it up and God would punish me

 

[yuty]

Oh lord...

No offense to anybody, but maybe there is some truth to the "you're gay because someone molested you" theory.

I mean, there's so many people here who claim that they were molested. It's saddening.

I hope it isn't feasible.

 

[Joshua_me]

I mean, there's so many people here who claim that they were molested.

'CLAIM' ??

C'mon, yuty....I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I sincerely doubt anyone here is lying about something so serious.

On the one hand, I'm glad forums like this exist so we can express our feelings to other gay men who have been through the same sort of experience, but then again it saddens me that there has been some 'catty snipes' in this thread (not from you) as well.

Speaking only for myself, my hands tremble and sweat just trying to 'type about it'...

Do I think molestation and rape might have 'turned some of us gay' ? No.

But I *do* consider the possibility that maybe we were putting out 'gay vibes' long before we even realized it and that molesters picked up on it, somehow.

 

[yuty]

'CLAIM' ??

C'mon, yuty....I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I sincerely doubt anyone here is lying about something so serious.

On the one hand, I'm glad forums like this exist so we can express our feelings to other gay men who have been through the same sort of experience, but then again it saddens me that there has been some 'catty snipes' in this thread (not from you) as well.

Speaking only for myself, my hands tremble and sweat just trying to 'type about it'...

Do I think molestation and rape might have 'turned some of us gay' ? No.

But I *do* consider the possibility that maybe we were putting out 'gay vibes' long before we even realized it and that molesters picked up on it, somehow.

By "claim", I meant "said". They were kinda synonmous.....

And I don't see any validity in the gay "vibe" theory. Especially from a child who doesn't have a sexuality to begin with.

 

[yuty]

This doesn't make much sense to me....

It doesn't to me either. But so many people on this thread have stated stories of molestation by men, I can't help but have illogical thoughts about it.

 

[Circe Infuria]

First off, I want to let everyone know that I admire you guys for being so willing to share your horrible experiences. I'm sorry that y'all had to endure such things.

For the record, I have never been molested. If I was, I seem to be doing a great job of hiding it from myself.

Do I think molestation and rape might have 'turned some of us gay' ? No.

I actually know a lesbian that did in fact choose to become gay due to earlier molestations in her childhood. She grew up straight, but was molestated by a close male relative. She later married and had 2 kids. One day her husband came out of the bathroom naked, and it triggered a memory from her molestation, and she couldn't handle it. She divorced, and is now partnered with another lesbian. She said she simply can't handle the idea of being with a man, and being intimate with a man.

To date, she's the only gay person I know of personally that falls in that "molestation turned me gay" scenario.

I think it'd be quite erroneous to use molestation as a "blanket" explanation for being gay, but it seems that it could be applied to some people.

 

[Joshua_me]

By "claim", I meant "said". They were kinda synonmous.....

And I don't see any validity in the gay "vibe" theory. Especially from a child who doesn't have a sexuality to begin with.

Sorry....I guess I'm a little 'touchy' tonight.

As far as the child/gay vibe theory goes, though....I dunno....

I was always called 'the gay kid' long before any of my 'secondary sex characteristics' kicked in during puberty.

I think a lot of potential abusers out there see things (and sadly, 'opportunities') in some of us that most other people don't.

Just my thoughts.

 

[mabby7]

this is a very difficult thing for anyone who's went thru it. I am sorry for all you guys. I too was molested when I was 12. My cousin was 16. He lived right next door to us. He was pretty much my only friend. It started innocently enough. He showed me how to masterbate. Then one day he grabbed me and started jerking me off. He put my hand on him. It felt good, but i felt bad afterwards. I avoided him for a while. When I saw him again he said we were gonna do something new. He told me to lick him. I said no way. That's when he shoved me down, grabbed my head and forced himself into my mouth. He kept using me till he was finished. Then he told me he would hurt me if I told anyone. I was scared, confused,etc. Here was my best friend and he did this to me. It soon became a regular thing. It really messed with my head. Then came the night he held me down on the bed and fucked me. I was crying and yelling the whole time. after he was done he hugged me and stroked my hair till we both feel asleep. I was afraid to tell anyone, but something was happening inside me. I was falling for my cousin and I started to like the sex with him.

I have since gotten over the pain,the humiliation, the confusion. I recently had a long conversation with him. I wasn't looking for an apology, I just wanted him to fess up. I told him I fell for him and when he moved away it really tore me up. He started crying and told me that he was sorry. He was molested by an older friend and he had similar feelings after a while. He was looking for a way to cope. He said he has felt like shit all these years for what he did. I told him I forgave him for everything.

It was shitty that it happened, It sucks, but life goes on you have to put the past in the past. and move on.

i'm crying another tear ... ... just so so sad ... i feel like you wrote my story ...

thank goodness that so many people posted their stories ... i thought that i was the only one ... sometimes victims feel like they are alone ...

one of the things that i hate about going through this was that ... when i saw him ... it was like nothing happened ... like life was normal ... it was a "dirty" little secret ...

and like so many others ... i really did feel that maybe even though i was having "fun" with him ... i sort of knew that it was wrong ... so yes ... i did feel like i lost my innocence and can never get it back ...

Let me put it to you this way since I want to be honest here:

The experience I had with my stepfather was DISGUSTING. It was never enjoyed. He put his dick inside the mouth of an 8 year old. Do you think it was enjoyable to me? He forced me to touch his dick and jerk him off. He tried to fuck me. He came on my stomach. Now, think about that and tell me that it is something that was enjoyable for a kid. Try imaging a grown man trying to frenchkiss you when you are 8 and tell me that it would be enjoyable.

Think about that and tell me that any sane person would want to do that to other kids.

What is it that you are trying to learn here?

a very confronting post ... i felt like i was reliving the abuse all over again ...
this is just so depressing ...

 

[mabby7]

...

I have since gotten over the pain,the humiliation, the confusion. I recently had a long conversation with him. I wasn't looking for an apology, I just wanted him to fess up. I told him I fell for him and when he moved away it really tore me up. He started crying and told me that he was sorry. He was molested by an older friend and he had similar feelings after a while. He was looking for a way to cope. He said he has felt like shit all these years for what he did. I told him I forgave him for everything.

It was shitty that it happened, It sucks, but life goes on you have to put the past in the past. and move on.

wow ... you're so forgiving ... i wonder why so many victims are like that?... maybe it's because we want to show the "abuser" that we're not like them ... that we will not stoop to their level ...

just a couple of questions johnboy ... do you know if your cousin has done this to others .. or just you? ... and how did he react when you told him that you fell for him? ... i'm asking because that's what i kind of felt with my uncle ...

thanks elvin ... i'll give you one too ... ... and a ... i think you needed it ... hehe

 

[tallguy297]

I wont lie Josh and Yuty...for the longest time I wondered if this had made me gay. And I'm sad to say the vast majority of gay guys I know have been abused. But I'm hoping and praying that thats just an anomaly... a statistical glitch.

And Josh... if theres a more emotional subject, a more frightening thing to relive I'm pretty sure I don't know what it is. No one here will blame you for being touchy...ever.

Thats why I continue to be inspired and saddened at the same time by you guys. The courage all of you show is an inspiration. A huge one.

Mabby... I think most of us feel the way we do because we have learned that we have to be better than the perps. We have to show we are more... that we learned... that we coped and we won. Its a life lesson that we'll never forget. Its one that taught us the evil side of life... its one that gives us a perspective that thankfully few will share.

But more than that its made us more open more considerate and more giving and forgiving.

The proudest day of my life was the one when I said to myself that I forgave him. Because that day he lost the control he had over me. It was the day I started to piece my private life back together. I'll never tell him that...I'll never tell him I pity him. In a bizarre sort of way I know that he made me who I am...good and bad. So I guess in a crazy sort of way he taught me to forgive and to accept.

Its not an easy road. I dont focus on him or the act anymore. I focus on the scars... the reminders and do my best to change them and to learn to live with them. Day by day I hang onto the good things I have learned in copping with this and shun the bad. I'm a better person because of this, because of the soul searching, the wondering. I know the evil and I know right from wrong.

And when I look around at you guys I see that in all of you too.

Thats why I'm proud to be among you.

 

[Joshua_me]

.......................

 

[woaini]

.......................

you are de man~~ i like this~~

 

[bayern20]

I think if you went to a straight site, and a porn related site, like this one is, you would find the same thing..lots of posts about being molested.

As I said, first, its not that uncommon. Second, I think these perps are good at picking out if a child may have certain tendencies. Its like bullies in school..they pick out the kid to bully where they know they can get away with it. So a male perp who thinks a kid may be gay, or have those tendencies, may be able to justify his actions easier..if he can say "this is what the kid prefers".

This is a very touchy subject. I am on another forum where we deal with even tougher subjects, (if you can believe it) but the level of bias, and paranoia left out of it is much much better. We have a 50 page discussion going and very few insults..and there is some very very controversial things stated. That topic might not even be allowed here, but its gone 50 pages..things have been stated that you would not believe..but how can you get somewhere in a discussion if you just take offence and cant discuss it?

We will never move on or understand the human condition if we just work off emotion.

Someone asked why I posted that story earlier (from the personals site I am on) ? Quiet simple really..we are living in a society that lies. We are living in a society that says one thing but does another. We are living in a society that likes to state what perfection is, but it has another condition.

To use our own condition..we are gay. Yet, 60yrs ago, out in the open, there weren't very many gay people at all. The only ones out there were the "sickos" that would sometimes get caught. Because male to male sex does not make sense. The parts dont match up and if our species relied on this for survival..it wouldn't survive.

We love logic, but our behaviour does not match up.

So, what is more important? Is it what the right wing and Conservatives do? Is it cool to state what sounds right as opposed to stating what the human condition is? (what human beings do..what their behaviours are, etc) To me, its more important knowing what the human condition is.

Liberals are better this way because we are more open to things. As a result, we are less likley to conform to stating the logical things as opposed to what we really think and do.

So, going back to the site. I am off the opinion, that sex with people of under 18yrs old is not uncommon whatsoever. It is as common as the pop. of gays/lesbians.(if not more) What does that mean? It means we have a large segment of the population, that are lying about their behaviours. (just like gays stayed in the closet for so long do to fear) That site is not my only proof. I have FRIENDS, who are about my age, some older, some younger, (straight) who are dating girls under 18 (and yes, having sex) I have friends of friends, who are doing the same thing. (some of these girls are young as 16) I have no doubt people would move even lower, one or two years..because our society has a MAJOR MAJOR fascination with virgins and people who are "fresh meat".

So, to me, just the fact that you would break the law..and go under 18..to me is no different than having sex with a 9yr old. You have no regards for the law..for that person to be at the age where they are mature.

That is the society we live in. So get this thing out of your mind that we live in this nice society where young people are protected. Where your next door neighbour is that nice "family" guy..because he could just be after your son or daughter..even though you would think its impossible that they would want a 14/15yr old.

I can go on and on with my examples..but you get my point. We say one thing, but if you have any experience, you realize, we usually do a lot different.

I guess some people think if they repeat that sex with people under 18 is wrong, they will start to believe it.

 

[oceanmachine]

No offense to anybody, but maybe there is some truth to the "you're gay because someone molested you" theory.

I guess I am speaking in my experience, but I knew, or at least had some sort of grasp on my orientation before I had been...taken advantage of? I don't know how to say it really...

I was 9 when I had noticed I had an interest in boys, and that was long before it happened, which was when I was barely 15. I'm not sure what perceptions people had of me when I was younger, I was called "fag" a lot by my mother and siblings, but I think that was to antagonize me as opposed to having any actual basis...

Err, thats really all I'm able to say. Sorry for bumping the thread with such a short post.