Ever Been Molested........

[Kulindahr]

I could have sworn I posted in this thread before; must have been another one.

I was raped, at 14 -- then again when just out of my teens, when I didn't remember the first time, but it seemed like I'd been through it all before.

After reading this whole thread, that's all I can handle telling at the moment.




A point of information:
I know two people who have done research in this area, and both say that there is a correlation between having been molested/raped and molesting/raping: people who have been victimized in this way are significantly more likely to victimize others than is the case with the general population. BUT -- and this is important!! -- the vast, vast majority of those who have been molested do NOT become molesters. One of the two people, a pastor working on a Ph.D., observed that it's a good thing this is so, because most molesters have more than one victim, and if the majority of victims became molesters, eventually everyone would be one. The other, a psychologist, was doing research into why people who'd been molested should be more likely to molest in turn -- since common sense would make the reverse expected -- and figure out why that small portion who do so, do it.

 

[Kulindahr]

Oh lord...

No offense to anybody, but maybe there is some truth to the "you're gay because someone molested you" theory.

I mean, there's so many people here who claim that they were molested. It's saddening.

I hope it isn't feasible.

1. This is hardly a scientific sample.
2. Those among gays who have been molested are a small fraction of the gay population.
3. Of males molested by men, only a small fraction are gay as adults.

I'm not sure figures exist, but if they do, I'd be willing to bet that the portion of gays molested as children by persons of the same sex is the same as the portion of straights molested as children by persons of the same sex, and that the same is true for being molested by persons of the opposite sex.

 

[Kulindahr]

I keep trying to grasp what it would feel like growing up knowing you'd been molested, remembering it, living with it.
I was molested, but it was so traumatic that my mind closed the memory off. My emotions, attitudes, and behaviors showed the results of having been molested, but I didn't have the memory.
It wasn't until much, much later that the memory came back. The moment it did is almost as clear to me now as the memory of the abuse: I screamed. Muscles rigid, tears flowing, I sat there and just screamed, a sound of horror, terror, anguish.... Some of the posts here have triggered a repeat of that moment of desolation and pain -- as a mere echo, thankfully.
Almost worse, though, is some of the calm analysis. While I disagree with a number of elvin1's comments on Bayern's posts, I do have to say that some of it seems so, well, clinical, that, reading it, I begin to feel like an object (again) and not a person, a "case", and not an individual.

Once again I have to stop writing about this; for some reason it's a bit much. Most days I can think about it without the maelstrom of emotions... but not this day.

 

[bayern20]

Almost worse, though, is some of the calm analysis. While I disagree with a number of elvin1's comments on Bayern's posts, I do have to say that some of it seems so, well, clinical, that, reading it, I begin to feel like an object (again) and not a person, a "case", and not an individual.

I'm a psychology/sociology student so...

 

[bayern20]

And what is the response to a young boy who has been molested or raped as he stands in a puddle of semen with his pants down to be? Is a parent who finds him in such a state supposed to say, "Oh, GREAT. Now you not only don't put your toys away but you're going to grow up to be a child molestor, too!"

Such ignorance is what causes a boy to hide or not share his victimization with anyone.

And you know who LOVES that? Yup. The MOLESTOR/RAPIST.

This is why the definition of the act, and all of its components, is vital.
If we say that everyones molestation includes some type of force,(thats more rape) some violent acts, some type of injury..that is what it becomes. As a result, if you make it out that every molestation case has these components, you may be missing something which could stop this. (btw I think all molestation cases have certain things in common..and those being the feelings of confusion and weirdness)

So, I keep hearing in all these stories the word "forced", I keep hearing different injuries (bleeding and so on), I imagine a violent atmosphere because it is described that way. But is there also not, as many cases, where the environment overall seems safe (because the parent is amazingly loving, but is obviously sick.. so they do this). They dont force anything, but they take advantage and make it out to seem like good for the vicitim. And someone who never injures, but is very very careful. Is this type of person not the same as the guy who has a "different face" when commiting these acts, who becomes violent all of the sudden, who injuries, and forces? They are both doing the same thing.

But maybe, if these studies are true (that molested have a good chance of being molesters) it is THESE specific molest cases that give a person a much much bigger chance of molesting themselves. Maybe the person that gets fondled, or just touched, is much more likley to commit that when they are older, then a person who had an environment where it was violent, and they were forced, and they were injured.

 

[herenthere]

Being molested (and especially as a child) is so horrific I can not even imagine how one must feel.
I'm at a loss for words..for some of the things some of you have said on this thread!!
Are there really people who are so calious..so hardened..that they can not read the pain..that some of these posts are showing???
I suggest that if you find yourself included in that group..you leave..and to those who have shared...God bless you all..and I pray for your continued healing

 

[springboksfan]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to review this thread. I have to say I'd avoided it before now for purely selfish reasons. First, the story; then the decision.

I am the youngest of 5 children, the only son. My sisters range from 9 to 13 years older than me. (I am the product of a 2nd marriage.) My 2nd sister was physically abused by my mother. Badly. My 3rd and 4th sisters were molested--raped, if you like--by my mother's boyfriend. All of us were subjected to emotional and occasional physical abuses, but nothing like my 2nd sister.

Once, when I was about 15, we all gathered at my youngest sister's house and discussed what had happened to us. The meeting was called by my 2nd sister, who was revealing to us the extent of her abuse for the first time. Oddly enough, she even had pictures that proved how badly and early this had started. That's when the rest of the story, as it were, came out.

My two youngest sisters talked extensively through tears how difficult it was for them to come to terms with the realization that they had, indeed, been molested because the physical acts themselves had felt good. It was an involuntary bodily response, but it compounded the shame they felt. It was only through long and difficult counseling that they were able to realize that they had done nothing wrong and the blame and shame lay squarely on the predator's shoulders.

Because of all these revelations, we all took it upon ourselves to do what research we could into the field so as not to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I think we've all done a pretty good job, though my youngest sister and I will not take the chance by having children of our own.

From a clinical standpoint, what Bayern says is true: the victims of abuse sometimes continue the cycle--that's why it's called a cycle. Survivors of abuse, those who have dealt with it on an emotional and intellectual level, rarely do. The correlation between homosexuality and molestation has been the subject of considerable debate, though I'm unaware of any empirical research done. Myself, I highly doubt there's any positive correlation, but that's just a hunch. I tend to subscribe to the genetic-triggered-by-environmental-factors theory of sexuality.

I applaud you all for sharing your stories. I know how difficult it must be. And while this thread was started with the vaguest of posts (who knows what the intention behind it was?), it has turned into a thread of great value, where survivors can share their experiences and we all can learn.

That said, no one has ownership of this thread. Threaded discussions naturally evolve and flow. Please keep in mind that just because you may want this thread to avoid/concentrate on the clinical aspects of the subject doesn't mean it is going to do so. And railroading it one way or another is doing nothing but destroying the integrity of the thread. Let us all use this thread as a place to learn from one another and not as a place to exact some sort of misdirected research or revenge.

Thank you.

 

[tallguy297]

OK... this is going to be my last post on this thread.

I have lived through this bullshit and anxiety once in my lifetime and I'll be damned if I'm going to keep justifying to others the effects, the damage and the lessons learned from being molested as a child.

SEMANTICS in this debate are sending us around and around in circles and just making everyone here dig in, get snippy.... AND COMPLETELY MISS THE POINT OF THE THREAD. Now we're debating the ridiculous notion of who will and wont offend...

Bayern... of course some victims will become perps. Only a complete idiot would say thats never going to happen. BUT NOT ALL, NOT THE VAST VAST MAJORITY. So if you want to run around and say see I told you so, well more power to you. Its just a numbers game as mentioned so it stands to reason that it will happen.

But you have so little desire to understand or comprehend the damage it does to your mind and your soul that you will never understand the overwhelming need that most victims feel to never hurt anyone the same way. And to lump me and I'm sure a lot of the others into a category of suggesting that we'll re offend is quite frankly offensive.

That generalization is no better than suggesting that all gay men are pedophiles which was only just repeated on my local tv news a week ago. It wrong dangerous and stupid.

As a psychology student I would have thought that you would know better than to go into an argument so close minded and unwilling to see another's point of view. No one knows everything mate... no one.

A friend of mine was abused as a child... and I came out to him about 18 months ago. I also told him of the abuse. The next day he arrived at my house in tears... an emotional wreck. He too was a abused as a child. He had told no one.... not a soul. It was only when I told him did he feel safe enough to tell me.

But what terrified him was the fact that he had a son. He was so scared that whatever set his perp off would one day trigger in him. He was paralyzed by that fear... it had gripped him since his son was born... a son they nearly lost at 18 months to cancer. A son that he loved with all his heart.

But you know what. I would trust my own child with him. I saw that fear in his eyes. I saw that doubt. But I saw his pain too. I saw what it had done to him. I saw how badly he wanted to protect his son and wanted make sure that pain was never repeated.

Bayern... most of us would wonder. We hear the mindless drivel that you've so quickly repeated and stood by over and over. Of course we have doubts.

But to suggest that we have no morals, no values, no decency, no concept of right and wrong, no ability to decide and no strength is truly pathetic.

For me intimacy is something I can only share with someone I love and trust. Its never quick, its never easy. Its full of fear and doubt. Unless I feel safe and respected I cant get naked.

Sound like a perp to you?

Another guy I knew... we fell in love. He too was a victim. After months of closeness the best we ever did was shower together. He just couldn't trust enough to be touched intimately. He was too scared... to frightened. Even with me...someone who was so similar...

Another perp?

All I ask of you mate...is to not be so sure. Only a fool sees things in black and white....especially something so unyielding as the human soul. You are arguing from a place of innocent ignorance.... and most do thankfully.

Leave the point scoring out of it. Leave the definitions out of it. Leave the semantics out of it.

Show some respect, some admiration and some understanding for those guys here who have poured their hearts out. The point scoring and pettiness of thats happening here devalues the courage and strength that these posters have. It demeans the ongoing struggles and battles that they face in their lives.

If you truly believe your own posts then I hope and pray that you'll finish your course and find a way to change the world. Thats the challenge for you.

 

[johnboy978]

To answer mabby7 questions. I'm not real sure but i think he did it to my other cousin. When I told him i feel for him. he said he already knew and that he was truly sorry to have fucked with my head like he did.

As for forgiveness. I figure if God can forgive us for all of our sins, shouldn't we try to be as forgiving. I know in my heart he is sorry for what he did. It is in the past and that's where it should stay.

And again I'm sorry to all who have had this happen to them.

 

[bayern20]

Anybody who knows me in life, knows I have huge heart. (and there are few people that know me on here as well) I've just never been one to state the obvious. There are 110,000 members on here..I dont know how many active, but a great number anyways. How many have come to this thread and offered sympathy? Not a great number. Does that mean they dont care? that they are for molestation? No. It just means that they didn't post anything. They all feel for the victims. A victim is someone who did nothing wrong but got the wrong end of the stick. You have to be mentally unfit to not feel remorse.

I could not be more sadder for the victims, and I say that with all my heart. I just dont think my greatest gift to people who suffer is to say "I'm sorry". That is not good enough IMO. I might sound arrogant, a know-it-all, but at the end of the day, I am bouncing ideas of people to get an answer. You cant be emotional about these things or you will never get an answer.

Do none of us have a duty to improve the human condition? Or should we just say, "something horrible happened to me..I am victim..I am out of bounds. No questions..no curiosities".

WE GET ANSWERS FROM OURSELVE...FROM VICTIMS, FROM PREDATORS. Nobody is out of bounds. If any of these studies are true on molestation, the VICTIMS in many cases BECOME the predator. This is the cycle not just for molestation but CRIME as we know it. There is a lot of data to support that victims, do to major psychological trauma, different pressures, become the criminals/predators. And I mean victims, period. A boy that gets physically abused as a child goes on to do the same as an adult..etc etc

I have one major belief, which never makes me sad about questioning anybody, whether victim or predator, and that is because WE are our worst enemies. (especially about such a subject) We should grieve for victims, because nobody asks to be a victim, but we should remember that grief alone (and sympathy) can be very dangerous by themselve.

So, if you really care about humans as a whole, question. I think many people in this thread did a fine job answering things. (like tallguy)

 

[Kulindahr]

I'm a psychology/sociology student so...

As a student, you should be doing a lot more listening and a lot less proposing theories, especially ones that upset people.
I took a bunch of psych courses, and some counseling courses on grad level, and one thing that got pounded into us was that we should form no conclusions until we had a substantial amount of data and case studies we'd gone over -- and when we had people representative of what we were studying, to ask, ask, ask questions, and listen carefully.
Just some hints on how to learnm and how to avoid making people feel like objects.

 

[Kulindahr]

But maybe, if these studies are true (that molested have a good chance of being molesters) it is THESE specific molest cases that give a person a much much bigger chance of molesting themselves. Maybe the person that gets fondled, or just touched, is much more likley to commit that when they are older, then a person who had an environment where it was violent, and they were forced, and they were injured.

I'd like some details on these "studies", because what you're representing them as does not agree at all with the two people I know who have researched and studied this at the doctoral level.

As I posted already, it is accurate to say that the incidence of molesters among the population who have been molested is significantly higher than among the general population, but that the great majority of those molested do not molest in turn. To say "that molested have a good chance of being molesters" is FALSE; the percentage is not high enough to call it a "good chance".

As for your notion that instances where there is pleasure involved are more likely to produce molesters:
1. Yes, there can be physical pleasure involved; our brains are wired for sex to feel good. But what counts is the psychological, and of the dozens of victims I have met, not one reported enjoying it as a relationship (some here have, I notice).
2. Most molesters who were molested remember their own victimization as something horrible, and in counseling they will break down confronting it, and indeed hate themselves because they were molested. What they don't remember is pleasure.

I'll grant that at least you said "maybe" -- but there's little at all to back up your conjecture. Molestation is not repeated/re-enacted because it was pleasurable, but out of compulsion, and that has little relation at all to the degree of physical sensation either positive or negative; it has far more to do with betrayal, objectification, confusion, etc.

And even if there were any substance to your grasping at hunches, this is not the place to be making them! You've already been jumped on for being insensitive (to put it mildly), yet you pursue it! There's a huge difference between a seminar among psychologists and a discussion with suffering people -- what you've been doing is mostly appropriate to the former, and not to the latter.

Just how far along as a psych student are you, anyway?

 

[ixthrock]

any counselor doing the good work will tell you:

rape, abuse, molestation, &c. is self-defined. they will then fall back on that classically pat standby, "what do you think? how do you feel about it?" and will give you all sorts of great information about patterns in reports of abuse that will help you as an individual to more accurately define your own experience - to come to terms with it, both figuratively and literally.

There have been numerous people reporting, here, from all bends in that baked and dusty road. Most of you, I don't need to tell what a brave thing it is that you do. Some of you will already know, and many of you don't really need to hear it anymore. I say it anyway. Some of you have no idea how brave you are, and that's ok too. Some of you may not really be all that brave, but, thankfully, bravery is not a prerequisite for learning.

How brave must one be to participate in a thread entitled, "have you ever molested someone?"

I am encouraged to see that anyone who posts one of those ridiculous, bragging, "I sucked my sleeping friend's cock" threads gets quicly quashed by this community - but I have to say I have been there.

I have a very ugly story to tell, one full of a great deal of shame, and a modicum of learning - some of it very painful. Quite likely, anyone who had positive thoughts about me may wish to disassociate themselves from me afterwards, and I will not blame them. I haven't been posting much at JUB lately, anyway. But - if it helps even one person to reassess their own experiences, helps ease any one person's pain, or causes any one person confronted with a decision in the future to make a healthy choice - it will be worth it.

First, some very general observations about children:

One - they are, by nature, curious. Some more so than others, some about some stuff and others about different stuff, but all are curious. One of the saddest signs of aging, is, indeed, a loss of curiosity.
Two - children want to grow up. Kids want to do what they see the big kids doing, teenagers want to act like grownups (i.e, drink, smoke, fuck, and drive cars - not necessarily in that order)

Next, an observation about humans - we are animals. Primates, in fact. Closely akin to monkeys. Study up a bit on primate mating behaviours, including male-on-male rape. Then sit down and make a list of the things that differentiate us from our closest genetic cousins. For one, our language is a lot more complex; Chimpanzees dont have different 'words' for molest, abuse, rape. They may display a complex of emotions with a very sophisticated set of gestures and other body language, but I have yet to see them participate in an internet forum (i think).

Someone talked about their psychologist friend investigating why some molesters go on to molest others, and I say they would do well to investigate primate behaviour. The answer seems pretty obvious to me - a lack of verbal communication and hence human psychosocial/psychosexual development. This correlates with the fact that abuse thrives in an environment of secrecy - "don't tell anyone, or else..."

I am the youngest out of five children. I was molested directly by my oldest brother and my youngest big sister. There was a lot of incest on my mother's side of the family; lots of stuff between the cousins in our generation, anyway - who knows where it all started. I was about 6 or 7 when my brother bribed me to suck his dick. I was maybe more curious than I was willing to admit, I was tempted by the bribe, and, well... he was my older brother. I wanted him to love me. I am still made vulnerable by that need to be loved - who isn't? Today, I respect and admire my oldest brother; I am in relatively close contact with ALL of my siblings and we all live in the same town. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was damaged by my childhood sexual experiences, to define how I was damaged, and to overcome it. I have, no doubt, wounded some people along the way, and I am truly sorry. I will delineate some of that damage in a little bit. First, I want to tell you the worst thing that anyone could possibly know about me.

When I was about 15 or so, and my niece was about 4 or so, she exhibited some curiosity about my penis, and I did not stop her. I even encouraged her. Yes, a part of me knew that I was in the wrong, and I still made that choice. in her mid-to-late teens, she redefined that as me molesting her, and I fully supported that definition. She unzipped my pants and fondled my penis and 'loved' on it and I let her - there was no penetration, and she was happy the whole time. I am telling this now to clear up what I see as some confusion in this thread about not all molestation being forced. My sense of right and wrong wasn't as developed then as it is now, and obviously my niece's curiosity at that age far exceeded her capacity to feel damaged by that act - at that time. Nevertheless, as the seminal adult in that situation, it was my responsibility to stop it - and I didn't - and I will never pay the emotional price that she has paid for it.

Our family's "dirty laundry" was aired - very messily - in a court case about a decade ago. As it happens, this niece began running away from home in her mid-teens, getting into crack and prostitution in Jacksonville. The police kept picking her up and her mother kept going to rescue her, until one day she told the police to go ahead and keep her in juvey for a while - she (my niece) obviously had some problems she ( my sister) wasn't equipped to handle, and would just keep running away from home until she came to terms with some of it. Other things she was dealing with aren't pertinent here, but one thing I will bring up. This same niece was raped repeatedly between the ages of 9-11 by her great uncle (my mom's brother), a man who had visited the same horrors upon his own daughter, threatening to kill them if they ever told anyone. I mean a holding-hands-over-her-mouth-to-keep-anyone-from-hearing-her-screams sort of rape. My sister was having an affair with him at the time her daughter stepped forward with the truth. I told you this was an ugly story. During counselling in juvey, My niece was asked if she had ever been molested. She talked about him, and she talked about me. I remember the call from my sister like it was yesterday. "Did you molest ******?" I answered truthfully. He lied. He was prosecuted. I just saw my niece for the first time in years at an emotional reunion recently (My Granny's health is failing, and we were meeting at the hospital) It went OK. She has become a strong woman in spite of me and him and I am proud of her.

While I was young, I would never have thought of the stuff that happened between me and my older siblings as sexual abuse, never gave a thought to being 'damaged' by it - after all, who wants to identify themselves as a "victim?" Upon mature reflection (and a little counselling) however, I have been able to look at patterns in my life and realise what that very early sexualisation has done to me. Sex may be the ultimate form of intimacy, but it is not a shortcut TO intimacy. For a long time, I measured my closeness with someone by our degree of sexual contact. I have a hyperactive libido (conditioning or genetics?) and this has been a very difficult thing to unlearn. I engaged in a lot of pursuit of sexual contact, and very little pursuit of good solid healthy friendships. In fact, I damaged a few of my closest friendships by being too sexually forward. I have molested sleeping friends. Hell, I have molested sleeping strangers.

About 10 years ago, though, several things broke for me at once. ONE: My niece finally prosecuted my uncle, and got the whole family talking about our history and what kind of people we had been and what kind of people we wanted to be. TWO: I woke up one morning to the sound of my roommate (who I was very in love with) having a jerk in the shower with the semi-straight houseguest I had molested and blown while he was in a stupor the night before. He CHOSE to have sexplay with my roommate, and it sounded a lot more fun than my aggression, however politely recieved. My roommate told me, "He just jumped in the shower with me, and told me what happened. He says I'm more his type." That really, really, hurt. THREE: I was raped. I don't have a whole lot of detail about that I want to discuss, other than to point to the fact that it was a "date rape," during an evening with a couple towards the end of which sex was the obvious culmination. I just didn't expect it to turn angry and violent. THAT sent me to counselling.

Rape counselling was one of the best things that ever could have happened with me. I learned that ending the cycle of abuse in our family starts with ME and the choices I make from here on out. NO MORE SILENCE! I have learned how to be a survivor rather than a victim, and, more importantly, to not be a victimiser myself. I have made some horrible mistakes, some of them I have paid for, and some of them others have paid for, but I will not make them ever again because I know better now, and because the pain of that knowledge sometimes seems more than I can bear.

People want sex with other people for some of the most fucked-up reasons, and sometimes those fucked-up reasons lead them to wanting sex with those who are completely inappropriate - whether it's a minor, your neighbor's husband, or your employee. I think most often one of those fucked-up reasons is, "because he's HOT!!" This is one of the reasons I don't spend much time on JUB anymore. Even beyond the porny banners, the forum itself has a hypersexualised slant, and I am just sooooo working on other stuff right now. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't believe I'm going to find my newfound ideal intimacy expressed in terms of a 1024x768 pixel resolution.

 

[Kulindahr]

Bayern, I want to bounce something off you:

In a support group for molesters trying to change, among a dozen men they had a total of over 350 victims, mostly male by a roughly 2:1 ratio.

If "victims in many cases become the predator", how many of those over 350 victims will turn predator? If it's 10% even, then that's 35 victims, of which 24 would be male -- which means that in the next generation, the number of predators would double! As was pointed out, that would mean that in short order, everyone would be a victim of molestation.

Springboksfan has it right: "From a clinical standpoint, what Bayern says is true: the victims of abuse sometimes continue the cycle" The key word is sometimes -- it is NOT "in many cases".

Your harping on this point has offended more than one person in this thread. Your repeating it is disrespectful. As a psych student, unless you're on the doctoral level, you shouldn't even be dangling such things before people who are hurting -- the task of the psychologist is to heal and help, not to cause distress. So contrary to what Springboksfan has said, you should drop this! the moment someone spilled out his story of being molested, the time for clinical conjecture was over, period.

Even assuming your notion were true, you should know better than to mention it. What you should do, if it is your focus, is listen, ask questions, and see if anyone among those opening up on the topic might fit that profile -- but again, unless you're at least a grad student in psychology, you have no business even mentioning you conclusions to anyone but perhaps one of your professors.

We aren't subjects of a study of yours, and we aren't fellow students, and we definitely aren't unfeeling robots to have terrifying (and false, or at least badly misrepresented) hypotheses tossed at us. So from where I sit, either get a "bedside manner" or just get lost.

 

[isawmanok]

Yeah, I think I was about 13 or 14. I was trying to learn how to drive. The driving instructor ran his hand up and down my thigh while I was driving in the middle of a highway.

I never drove a car ever again.

 

[Joshua_me]

Oprah, who was molested, stated on her show how for a really long time she didn't understand the negative effects of the molestation. She didn't understand what it did to her. The reason was that the actual sex felt good..sex is sex. Unless you force someone, and aren't careful, you cant stop sex from feeling good.
.

You know, as I re-re-read this thread, I think the ^above^ statement is where we began to 'de-rail', as it were.

I have no idea how old Ms. Winfrey was when she was molested, but to make the statement that 'the actual sex felt good...sex is sex' along with 'you can't stop sex from feeling good'....is, quite frankly, a big steaming load of horseshit. I can't believe she'd be ignorant enough to say such a thing.

I've spoken with at least a half dozen women who were raped, and I can assure you that 'feeling good' was the last thing that they were thinking about.

It's as absurd as it is irresponsible.

Your most important sex organ is between your ears, not your legs, and I don't care if the guy looks like Brad fucking Pitt, rape is rape is rape.

Perhaps Oprah should ask all the young women entering that school she is building in South Africa to write their first essay and entitle it, "What I Did Over the Summer, and how I enjoyed my first village gang bang"

Yeah, I know that's offensive, and I mean it to be...

"Can't stop sex from feeling good", indeed

Can't stop it from slowly destroying your self-worth, your sense of safety, and your ability to trust others is more like it....

 

[Kulindahr]

^ Yes.

At a gut level, I still understand sex as being a tool for hurting someone.

 

[ixthrock]

^precisely. how i came to recognise my rape was the point at which it stopped feeling good and became about power issues and anger and violence. I was taught in counseling that many survivors have eroding self-esteem and self-doubt because (if men) they had an erection or (if women) became "wet" during the act and may have even achieved orgasm....these are uncontrollable physiological responses; the body has set responses to stimuli and in those situations may betray every rational desire on our part. To define that as "pleasurable" grossly ignores the trauma. As for the molested becoming molesters themselves - though i set a poor example - anyone with a more direct sense of harm done than what I experienced (several posters here!) aren't likely to commit that harm upon others; to act like it's a lurking beast within their psyche waiting to spring at any given opportunity invalidates a hard-won strength of character. In ANY situation of abuse all it takes is one person to stand up and tell everyone within range of hearing, "This is wrong, what this person is doing, and must STOP!" There are many sad reasons why this doesn't happen more often than it does.

 

[anemieasy]

Almost, but I was wise to the kennel guy, so I avoided.

 

[Kulindahr]

^ I wish I could have avoided, but I woke up with a dick in my ass.