Two years ago my bf and I moved to Portland, Oregon from Iowa. We had been together for a year and a half at that point, and both knew a handful of former Iowans who had also relocated to Oregon that same year. We had a temporary living arrangement upon moving to Portland, had never lived together prior, and spent the first two months house-hunting. A lesbian couple of mine, who I adore, had moved to Eugene, Oregon earlier that year, and a mutual friend very close to them wanted to move out to Oregon as well, and since my bf and I were house-hunting, she called me to suggest living together: her, my bf, and I. Now, my bf and I didn't move here to be near these other people. We had both graduated from the University recently and were anxious to leave Iowa. We both agreed on Portland for a number of reasons, and he ended up having a job opportunity here. He always liked these friends of mine and we all hung out and got along very well, so we agreed to find a house with my friend from Iowa so we could split costs, etc.
For a number of reasons, this situation did not work out very well. The friend rarely paid rent on time, which my bf took charge of collecting, and it created a lot of stress. The couple in Eugene were not happy there and started planning to move up to Portland. Our new house had a very large finished basement which we simply did not have the means to fill with anything, and was basically a spare bedroom. The house has tons of space. So when one of the Eugene girls found a job in Portland on weekends, prior to moving, she would stay at our place so as not to commute 2 hours to and from Eugene. To everyone but my bf, this seemed like a fine arrangement that was not harming anyone, and was the least we could do to help a friend we love. My bf simply threw a fit about the whole thing and said some very rude things to her, making her feel unwelcome. He was very upset with me for not doing anything about it, though I thought he was wrong anyway. And issues with the roommate and rent just continued throughout the year of the lease. He and her developed a dislike for each other and would confront each other via text and e-mail, saying very nasty and offensive things.
Cue to a year later, and the roommate is set to move out the weekend after Thanksfiving and is quite unkind about the whole thing (deposit, accusations, etc.). We are invited to Thanksgiving at the lesbian couple's new Portland home, our roommate is there, and my bf drunkenly starts talking shit about her to some of their guests. Which I didn't find out about until the next day. She moves out. We essentially have no contact for several months. And I'm left with all of my friends avoiding me and not wanting to be around me because my bf is very critical, very opinionated, judgemental, and deliberately pushes peoples' buttons for the sake of argument. He's alienated them and it has impacted my relationships with them negatively.
Fast forward to May of this year. My mom dies, unexpectedly. I flew to Omaha and watched her die in the hospital and I now have zero parents (dad died when i was little). My bf was there for me the whole way and was very supportive and helped me deal with the financial consequences of her death, funeral, etc. My sister was of little help and is a wreck, so it was up to us to settle things. It was mostly a shock the first couple months but now it's quite depressing. These friends all brought by some flowers and a card when we got back to Portland, which was nice and thoughtful. I really felt like I had lost all my family, but lucky to have great friends whom I consider to be my Portland family. But I never see them since then. They text "Happy Birthday" and "Let's hang out", but that's it. When it comes to being present, and there for me, they've barely contacted me at all.
The past 2-3 months, my bf and I have been fighting quite a bit. Once a week at least. We took a couple road trips this summer: fought the whole time. Most weekends we end up arguing. He's just a very critical person and always has been, but I'm pretty much at my wit's end with it. He is endlessly critical, and I just can't take it anymore. Where I used to be agreeable and accepting, I'm now just fed up with it, so we argue. With being depressed about my mom, and my friends avoiding me without telling me why or seeming to care that I need them, I've just been very stressed out.
So, I called the lesbian couple, who I'm closest to, mostly for the purpose of learning WTF their problem is and why they lie to me about hanging out and avoid me. We meet for lunch, and they pretty much apologize and say they love me and miss me and want to spend time with me, but my bf is just so polarizing and stressful to be around, and says very rude things and antagonizes people, that they just can't deal with being around him. They've never said this to me before, and have failed to admit it to me after months of no contact aside from dropping off some flowers. They say they want my friendship but just can't handle being around him, and would understand if I'm upset with that and don't want their friendship anymore as a result. I left lunch in tears. My family is dead, my bf is a constant source of stress and my friends don't want to be around me because of him, even though I'm dealing with a death in the family.
I told them I know he can be difficult, and that these disagreements are things we can discuss. But they're not open to discussing. They need time. I can go over to their place and hang out with them, but they don't want to be around him.
So naturally, since they are close friends with the former roommate, she texts me and apologizes for not keeping in touch and she feels terrible about it and says she loves me and misses me. I don't know where she and I stand at all, and haven't spoken since her moving out, but tell her I'm open to meeting up for a drink. So yesterday, we did. We reconnect and agree that holding grudges is unhealthy and immature and we're both willing to move beyond our disagreements and everyone is at fault to a degree. She even insists she, unlike the couple, is fine being around my bf and doesn't want their beef with each other to affect our friendship. I was surprised and I was glad to hear it. Finally.
Then, I come home last night and tell my bf, and he flips out. He is fine with me reconnecting with the couple, but not the former roommate. He basically hates her and thinks they all talk shit about him together, but is her doing and she brought them against him. He was pissed I even met with her and does not want me to be friends with her again.
I just don't even know what to do with this.
Sorry for the length.
For a number of reasons, this situation did not work out very well. The friend rarely paid rent on time, which my bf took charge of collecting, and it created a lot of stress. The couple in Eugene were not happy there and started planning to move up to Portland. Our new house had a very large finished basement which we simply did not have the means to fill with anything, and was basically a spare bedroom. The house has tons of space. So when one of the Eugene girls found a job in Portland on weekends, prior to moving, she would stay at our place so as not to commute 2 hours to and from Eugene. To everyone but my bf, this seemed like a fine arrangement that was not harming anyone, and was the least we could do to help a friend we love. My bf simply threw a fit about the whole thing and said some very rude things to her, making her feel unwelcome. He was very upset with me for not doing anything about it, though I thought he was wrong anyway. And issues with the roommate and rent just continued throughout the year of the lease. He and her developed a dislike for each other and would confront each other via text and e-mail, saying very nasty and offensive things.
Cue to a year later, and the roommate is set to move out the weekend after Thanksfiving and is quite unkind about the whole thing (deposit, accusations, etc.). We are invited to Thanksgiving at the lesbian couple's new Portland home, our roommate is there, and my bf drunkenly starts talking shit about her to some of their guests. Which I didn't find out about until the next day. She moves out. We essentially have no contact for several months. And I'm left with all of my friends avoiding me and not wanting to be around me because my bf is very critical, very opinionated, judgemental, and deliberately pushes peoples' buttons for the sake of argument. He's alienated them and it has impacted my relationships with them negatively.
Fast forward to May of this year. My mom dies, unexpectedly. I flew to Omaha and watched her die in the hospital and I now have zero parents (dad died when i was little). My bf was there for me the whole way and was very supportive and helped me deal with the financial consequences of her death, funeral, etc. My sister was of little help and is a wreck, so it was up to us to settle things. It was mostly a shock the first couple months but now it's quite depressing. These friends all brought by some flowers and a card when we got back to Portland, which was nice and thoughtful. I really felt like I had lost all my family, but lucky to have great friends whom I consider to be my Portland family. But I never see them since then. They text "Happy Birthday" and "Let's hang out", but that's it. When it comes to being present, and there for me, they've barely contacted me at all.
The past 2-3 months, my bf and I have been fighting quite a bit. Once a week at least. We took a couple road trips this summer: fought the whole time. Most weekends we end up arguing. He's just a very critical person and always has been, but I'm pretty much at my wit's end with it. He is endlessly critical, and I just can't take it anymore. Where I used to be agreeable and accepting, I'm now just fed up with it, so we argue. With being depressed about my mom, and my friends avoiding me without telling me why or seeming to care that I need them, I've just been very stressed out.
So, I called the lesbian couple, who I'm closest to, mostly for the purpose of learning WTF their problem is and why they lie to me about hanging out and avoid me. We meet for lunch, and they pretty much apologize and say they love me and miss me and want to spend time with me, but my bf is just so polarizing and stressful to be around, and says very rude things and antagonizes people, that they just can't deal with being around him. They've never said this to me before, and have failed to admit it to me after months of no contact aside from dropping off some flowers. They say they want my friendship but just can't handle being around him, and would understand if I'm upset with that and don't want their friendship anymore as a result. I left lunch in tears. My family is dead, my bf is a constant source of stress and my friends don't want to be around me because of him, even though I'm dealing with a death in the family.
I told them I know he can be difficult, and that these disagreements are things we can discuss. But they're not open to discussing. They need time. I can go over to their place and hang out with them, but they don't want to be around him.
So naturally, since they are close friends with the former roommate, she texts me and apologizes for not keeping in touch and she feels terrible about it and says she loves me and misses me. I don't know where she and I stand at all, and haven't spoken since her moving out, but tell her I'm open to meeting up for a drink. So yesterday, we did. We reconnect and agree that holding grudges is unhealthy and immature and we're both willing to move beyond our disagreements and everyone is at fault to a degree. She even insists she, unlike the couple, is fine being around my bf and doesn't want their beef with each other to affect our friendship. I was surprised and I was glad to hear it. Finally.
Then, I come home last night and tell my bf, and he flips out. He is fine with me reconnecting with the couple, but not the former roommate. He basically hates her and thinks they all talk shit about him together, but is her doing and she brought them against him. He was pissed I even met with her and does not want me to be friends with her again.
I just don't even know what to do with this.
Sorry for the length.
