Fags!

[GoodbyeSobriety]

I always thought that homosexuality was wrong. I used to mock it with my friends, and in a way became socially conditioned to think that way. Now that I realize I'm gay, I'm having trouble coping with myself and accepting it.

So I just gotta be real and ask you guys, does it take time to shake off this thought of homosexuality being wrong? I've been out for a few years now... and I still feel these negative feelings.

PS - No offense from the thread title. I used to call people "fag" and "queer" when I was young and stupid, and now I get pissed when my friends excessively use it in front of me. I thought the title would grab your attention and evoke some emotional responses. Apologies fellow Jubbies.

 

[OtterJoq]

I always thought that homosexuality was wrong. I used to mock it with my friends, and in a way became socially conditioned to think that way. Now that I realize I'm gay, I'm having trouble coping with myself and accepting it.

So I just gotta be real and ask you guys, does it take time to shake off this thought of homosexuality being wrong? I've been out for a few years now... and I still feel these negative feelings.

PS - No offense from the thread title. I used to call people "fag" and "queer" when I was young and stupid, and now I get pissed when my friends excessively use it in front of me. I thought the title would grab your attention and evoke some emotional responses. Apologies fellow Jubbies.

No apologies necessary.

But yours is a very difficult question to answer. If your attitude toward homosexuality was formed in large part because of what you were taught from a very young age, it may be hard to shake the feeling that being who you are truly meant to be is somehow "wrong." Do you have a pastor, mentor, shrink, et cetera you could talk about this with?

And above all else, congratulations on coming out. It's a big decision for many people, and I'm thinking you may just be feeling some sort of "post coming-out stress disorder." Who knows...I'm no psychologist. But it's good that you're asking the question at all; it's certainly a topic we should all consider.

 

[GoodbyeSobriety]

I'm interested to know why you should think that your own sexuality is 'wrong'.

Homosexuality is not wrong. It's little things that bug me that sometimes make me wish I wasn't:

- Coming out over and over to new people I meet, and seeing mixed reactions.
- Hiding my sexuality from my grandparents (at parents request) [My parents truely accept me, but I agree with them, my grandparents grew up in a different era before gay was "in"]
- When I was closeted I was sexually active (to girls ), and now my dick is married to my right hand.
- I wouldn't have to worry about things like this.

 

[Yves]

Those feelings are not uncommon. It takes time to feel comfortable in your own skin. A good friend of mine was raised in a very conservative environment where homosexuality was not an alternative. He was a homophobe for quite some time. This was his way to deal with being gay. Things improved greatly after coming out and getting some psychological support. Now he is out and much happier.
Forget labels. The more comfortable you feel with who you are the less relevant those negative feelings are. The label internalized homophobia is usually applied to some of these negative feelings and is far from uncommon among us.
Some mentor, local gay support group or psychologist is an alternative to consider as a support strategy as suggested above. Check the "Coming Out & Relationships" forum for resources.
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=70

Good luck.

 

[Pegasus69]

So I just gotta be real and ask you guys, does it take time to shake off this thought of homosexuality being wrong? I've been out for a few years now... and I still feel these negative feelings.

These negative feelings that you learned were learned over a period of time, it will only be time that is going to be able to help you to move beyond the old teachings and conditioning. Everyday that passes, you will come to accept yourself more and to love yourself more. You will soon find that you will barely remember those days of self loathing. It does take effort and time to be comfortable in your own skin and to learn how to live a genuine and honest life. I have been out for quite some time and the times I don't like myself these days have nothing to do with my sexuality and are more character issues, as it is with most people. You should not feel the need to come out to everyone, unless that is what you want to do. If the questions of relationships come up, you can just be honest and say that you have not met anyone yet, etc.

 

[Riverrick]

I don't know if we ever really get over it. This is the "internalized homophobia" people speak of. Its our shame about being gay that can persist, even in small ways, many years after we come out.

Many guys deny they have it. So I'm kind of amazed that you approached the subject head on. I think, though, that this is probably the best way to deal with it.

 

[Orlandude]

You have some great input here and I agree with most of it. You say it's mostly the little things. As someone else pointed out, that's really not uncommon. The little things bother me ocassionally but they are more of an annoyance than something negative. There are times I get annoyed with some gay things we do and how we act at times. They probably annoy me because I don't act in certain ways or don't always subscribe to mainstream gay things. For example, I don't feel I have to march in a parade to prove anything. It annoys me. I am what I am and knowing me will prove it. A parade proves nothing and the effects are over when the parade ends. I don't put anyone down for being in a parade. It's just not me. I was also brought up in a very conservative household that said "gay is wrong and a wretched way to live" and it took me some time to get those old tapes out of my head. They resurface ocassionally but I don't react in the same way anymore because I'm not afraid anymore.

Give yourself more time and don't beat yourself up about it. As someone else said, it took years to build up those feelings. They won't disappear overnight. Trust who you are. That will eventually bring you confidence and those feelings will greatly diminish. The only thing wretched and wrong in life is not being who you are suppose to be, regardless of gay, straight or whatever. Try to let go of some of those things of the past. It's gone forever. There will never be another YOU so be who you are...and be happy. Life is way too short.

 

[mojoe54]

Hey, Da Mind Candy--
It was kind of different for me because people always knew I was different. I think everyone else knew I was gay before I did. But when I did come out I was so happy that I had found my true self. To me homosexuality is not just about sex. It's about who you are inside, what catches your fancy, who you fall in love with. After I came out, which to me was simply an act of self-acknowledgement, I was so much more comfortable within myself. My family and friends who saw that I was so much happier seemed to be somehow relieved, even though I too was raised Catholic and their religion was telling them that what was natural for me was sinful and wrong. But the people who loved me could sense that I was gay, and it was who I was, and I was not a sinful degenerate, but was only being true to my nature. So I never have felt guilty about being gay. I wish I could give that gift to you. You are a great guy who has a lot to offer. I know that you will find a special someone!

 

[Kurn]

It takes time. They say we're 80% water; but maybe we're really 80% bad habits.
Seriously, i think most of what confronts us both intellectually and socially are our own bad thought patterns. Getting rid of that takes time and insight. But you're in a Class of Everybody.
JUB is a very good place to help with the process.

 

[Kurn]

To everyone else: Your biology, your instincts are never completely at peace with your homosexuality.
But, you know, neither is paradise a common thing for hetero's.
Another thing bears repeating: You are a smart homo! You are a homo sapien. Much of the nervousness and irresolute orientation of our lives can be alleviated by exercising creativity in our social arrangements. Use your imaginations socially and we can surmount our perennial disquiet! This means that unuseful habits must give way to new benevolent practices.

 

[Kurn]

accidental repeat deleted

 

[Simba]

To answer your question, personally I don't feel that the feeling ever goes away completly. You can often be caught off guard by something that never affected you before.

It is getting pretty close to me being out for 20 years. And I have live a very open and out life. My family has accepted me. My work has accepted me and for the most part I have not suffered any of the issues that so many have and continue to suffer to this day. And yet, if I am to be totally honest, I would have to say that there are times I still struggle with what I am.

It is the small things that get me when I least expect it, and while I can not say I am ashamed of being gay, for that I never will or could be, I can say that I become cautious, at times even scared. The problem is I am not sure what I am afraid of. There are times I wish I had been born differant, though the older I get the few those times are.

I did have to learn to accept myself. And that is a road that we each travel and travel alone. No matter how long or short that road may be. No one can give you the answers you need. All we can say is that is does get easier with time and to be honest, living your true life is much more peaceful than trying to be something you are not, even with all the faults and issues.

Now what I find funny, is the fact that we want everyone to accept us, and yet to some level or another many of us still have not totally accepted ourselves. Think about that the next time you get mad at someone for not accepting you as you are!

 

[GoodbyeSobriety]

Now what I find funny, is the fact that we want everyone to accept us, and yet to some level or another many of us still have not totally accepted ourselves. Think about that the next time you get mad at someone for not accepting you as you are!

I hear ya Simba, but I'm not saying I get mad when someone doesn't accept me, I said I get pissed when my friends say "fag" or "queer" excessively in my presence... and I think most gays would too.

I defend myself. I tell them to watch it, and they sincerely apologize. It's just where I was raised, it's common slang to toss around those words like it isn't demeaning, but realistically it is.

My friends don't know any better, so I don't stress over it.

Thanks for the responses JUBs, some very good insight.

- DMC

 

[Nonimus]

I clicked on the thread coz i thought it was gonna be about Ciggarettes - damn i need me some patches!

 

[cocktales]

I think mostly our views are formed via our parents and their thoughts on subjects, how they feel about homosexuality probably formed your thoughts on the subjec too....

I bet you were "taught" to hate Gays and their actions or whatever while you were growing up, right?

It's hard to change your thoughts on people and who they are and what they do when your Mom and Dad say it's wrong and that Gays are bad because they go against the teachings of the bible, etc............!

Right?

So, now that you r one, I guess it's a bit difficult to NOT hate what you are! It must have driven you crazy trying to supress your Gay desires!

Many of us have lived through the same or similiar scenario; but lived thru it and I am certain you will too!

So now, it's up to you to help dispel the hate, the loathing of who we are and what we are......and to stand up and tell people that they are wrong about Gays, etc.....

Thank goodness for places like JUB where we can learn about who we are and what we are without fear of being hated for something completely natural for us..........and NO, it's NOT a mental illness thingy!

 

[justsimon]

- Hiding my sexuality from my grandparents (at parents request) [My parents truely accept me, but I agree with them, my grandparents grew up in a different era before gay was "in"]

Slightly off-topic, but... I don't know what your grandparents are like, but if their age is the only thing that's stopping you from coming out, I'd suggest reconsidering. I'm about the same age as you so our grandparents are probably from the same generation. None of my grandparents have freaked out about my queerness. Even my Jewish grandparents, who disapprove of pretty much everything I do, haven't made a big deal about it. They don't like it, but they haven't made my life hell, either. My other grandparents have the "he's our grandson and we love him no matter what" attitude. Which is the way things should be.

Not everyone is that lucky and maybe there's more to your grandparents than their age, but if not, think about it....

 

[GoodbyeSobriety]

Slightly off-topic, but... I don't know what your grandparents are like, but if their age is the only thing that's stopping you from coming out, I'd suggest reconsidering

I've been out for a few years now... and I still feel these negative feelings.

I'm out to everyone, MOST valued people in my life (Family, friends, etc.). The exceptions are my grandparents and religious friends. Not sure if you thought I was closeted, because I shed that life a few years ago. However, thanks for the concerns.

 

[justsimon]

I'm out to everyone, MOST valued people in my life (Family, friends, etc.). The exceptions are my grandparents and religious friends. Not sure if you thought I was closeted, because I shed that life a few years ago. However, thanks for the concerns.

Nope. I didn't think you were closeted. Sorry if it sounded that way.

 

[Lube]

I wouldn't dump your friends necessarily, but I would start to have new friendships, too--friendships with people who don't use words that bother you.

 

[Elwood]

I came out late in life at 37. At first I did not anyone to know. but three years later all my friends and my sibblings know. I have yet to tell my parents, or my children. For me, it defenitaly took time for me to become comfortable with the new me, I would say about a year and a half. There are still times where I ask myself am I really gay? As time goes on I become more and more comfortable with the new me.

My friends who I have known since elementary school have accepted the new me. It does not bother me if they use the word fag around me, however it does make me chuckle when the realize what they said and sort of look at me with a guilty look on their face. I can't expext them to change because I have. I know they still love me for me and not because of my sexuality.