Fear Of Being Alone?

[kallipolis]

It is often said that solitude stengthens ones resolve, to lean upon ones inner strength enabling one to savour those moments away from the madding crowd. That being said I am one to jump into the pool of life, enjoying the nitty, gritty interaction that encourages my appreciation of other human beings for their faults, and attractions are the mirror image of my own.

In advanced age the human person has sufficient living experience under the belt, to appreciate that periods of solitude encourage deeper involvement with other human beings, be it less often, and without the passion of ones youthful years when diving into the deep end of life's adventure, appeared to be the reason for rising from ones bed each morning to greet friends, and strangers who by strange coincidence would participate in ones life.

Conquering ones fear of aloneness is best understood, when delving deep into ones memory banks, where names, and faces of friends past, and present reside to encourage each of us to reach out and meet people, whose purpose is also ours.

 

[bankside]

Do you suffer from fear of being alone or do you know someone who does? Someone who will always be in a relationship no matter what?

No. I suffer from fear of being with this guy:

There was a member here who recently said "I can't go two weeks without a boyfriend." Those of you who fit this mold, I'd love to chat with you and get a good understanding of how that works.

Anyone?

When I was single I met a couple of guys looking to cast me in the role of boyfriend where they had already written the script. It's like they had a lamp that burnt out and I was the next bulb on the shelf. Made me allergic, both that they seemed to treat guys as mostly interchangeable, and that they had everything already all planned out.

My cousin is like that with men.She's just gone through 3 loves-of-her-life in the last 2 months that she "can't stand to be away from for even one evening...why is life so hard???!!!" and my eyes roll so hard I'm going to sprain something.

 

[rareboy]

This really is the difference between "being alone" and just not having a partner.

I have been living without a partner for the last 20 years but never been alone as I live on the job and spend all day with my work colleagues. I am now retiring and moving into a flat on my own and will now have to get used to really "being alone" for stretches of weeks. My English friends will come out and there is always Skype but it will be strange not talking to anyone for days on end.

Pretty much this.

Once you shut yourself off from all other people, you are alone. And you can be in a crowd and do this.

I am lucky that I have now had 35 years with one guy...and we are together 24 hours each day for almost all of them...so it is like we have had extra years together that most people miss out on.

One day on aforeseeable horizon, one of us will be gone. And I don't know exactly what either of us will do....but I am sure that before I would allow myself to feel lonely...I will move back into the city and throw myself into activities and meeting new people if staying alone on the farm is too isolating.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

no. I suffer from fear of being with this guy:


When i was single i met a couple of guys looking to cast me in the role of boyfriend where they had already written the script. It's like they had a lamp that burnt out and i was the next bulb on the shelf. Made me allergic, both that they seemed to treat guys as mostly interchangeable, and that they had everything already all planned out.

My cousin is like that with men.she's just gone through 3 loves-of-her-life in the last 2 months that she "can't stand to be away from for even one evening...why is life so hard???!!!" and my eyes roll so hard i'm going to sprain something.

preach!!!!!

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Haha I'm one of the ones that can't stand being single. Between when I asked my boyfriend out 3 years ago and when I broke up with my ex was 2 weeks. Between when I asked my ex out and when I broke up with my ex ex was less than a month.

I hate being alone.

You're definitely one I thought of.

How does that work?

Do you decide when you see someone "that's going to be my next boyfriend."

Are you seeing the guys you date as individuals or do you just mold yourself to be compatible with who they are?

I'm always curious because I couldn't imagine being that widely compatible that a boyfriend would be right there after just a few weeks of being single. A boyfriend has never been a readily available option for me to pick up at will.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

. He met a girl with two kids somewhere and hes dating her so now life is perfect all of a sudden.

This shit is ridiculous to me. It's just not real.

I remember once posting a thread here depressed about a lot of problems in my life (lack of focus, career goals, etc.).

I got a few morons randomly telling me that I shouldn't be afraid to date people. (Relationships were not a topic of the thread). I was livid!

Right. Because if you're miserable alone adding other people to your misery is a cure. I'll never understand the logic. Fix yourself first. Have more to offer in the end.

 

[zombiekiller]

You're definitely one I thought of.

How does that work?

Do you decide when you see someone "that's going to be my next boyfriend."

Are you seeing the guys you date as individuals or do you just mold yourself to be compatible with who they are?

I'm always curious because I couldn't imagine being that widely compatible that a boyfriend would be right there after just a few weeks of being single. A boyfriend has never been a readily available option for me to pick up at will.

I have a very dominant personality. I generally go for the more submissive types. You could say they eventually mold themselves to fit me.

I know that sound conceited. But you'd be amazed to know how many guys out there are submissive and will be happy with a more dominant personality.

I think the guys with more neutral personalities are the ones that can't find the right guys to date. But that is just my guess.

 

[aaggii]

Well, at least they're being themselves (and significant other)
they're just honest with themselves (and significant other)

So are crazy people.

 

[Vitamin]

I have a very dominant personality. I generally go for the more submissive types. You could say they eventually mold themselves to fit me.

I know that sound conceited. But you'd be amazed to know how many guys out there are submissive and will be happy with a more dominant personality.

I think the guys with more neutral personalities are the ones that can't find the right guys to date. But that is just my guess.

I definitely agree with this. At least, thus seems to be the relationship I have now. I'm definitely submissive tho.

 

[zombiekiller]

I find people that run after relationships truly pathetic. Sure, it´s nice to have someone around, but don´t be that narcissistic. That said, I knew a few girls who wanted to shape their lives based on Sex and the City.

Haha. I could say the same about the chronically single.

Life to me is short. I'd rather share my journey thru life with someone else than no one.

Do I sense a hint of jealousy?

 

[gaysian85]

I admit that I am the user who said he couldn't seem to get a guy interested in him for more than two weeks. My loneliness can get out of hand because people keep abandoning me and I don't know why. I end up going on bidding sprees on eBay and buy impulsively in stores just to fill the void. I am willing to take just about any guy who even shows interest in me as long as he isn't abusive. I even spent $500 on one of those Fuck Me Silly Mega Dudes and that's really the only sex I've gotten in a year and a half. I get really bad anxiety now when it comes to making friends and relationships that for a year and a half I actually refused to even go out. The anxiety gets so bad that if someone doesn't talk to me for a couple of days I freak out and automatically start thinking they don't like me either and have abandoned me like everyone else. I finally started to go out to meet new people but I'm still terrified to let them get to know me. I'm pretty sure I'm at rock bottom now since I'm practically at the Lars and the Real Girl stage with a sex toy pretty similar to Bianca except without any limbs or a head. I refer to the Mega Dude as "the limbness headless man that lives in my closet." I don't see how I can go any lower.

And online dating is even worse for me. I have an account in one site and no one messaged me for literally two years that I had even forgotten I had an account there until the guy I'm currently talking to messaged me. He is the first guy to seem interested in me for more than a month but I am constantly paranoid that he'll abandon me too. When I get abandoned, everything else in my life falls apart and it takes me so long to get back to normal.

 

[aaggii]

Haha. I could say the same about the chronically single.

Life to me is short. I'd rather share my journey thru life with someone else than no one.

Do I sense a hint of jealousy?

Jealousy? I´m in a relationship for about 4 years now, but I didn´t chase for it. It came naturally. I think it´s quite a bit of difference between people who are happy single and the ones who jump into a relationship just to fill an empty space. You need more reasons to be in a relationship.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

I have a very dominant personality. I generally go for the more submissive types. You could say they eventually mold themselves to fit me.

I know that sound conceited. But you'd be amazed to know how many guys out there are submissive and will be happy with a more dominant personality.

I think the guys with more neutral personalities are the ones that can't find the right guys to date. But that is just my guess.

Thank you so much for answering my questions! You probably could've just said "eff this thread" given all the shit being talked.

I've always been confused by these scenarios, but you cleared a lot up for me. Especially mentioning the dominant/submissive thing. The more I think about it, the guys in my life that fit this mold tend to be submissive. Guys who, if I wanted to or put in any effort to call them, would easily accept me as their boyfriend. All I'd have to do is try.

But I've never been interested, because I've never been into them. I've never liked the idea of molding someone into my desires; I'd rather just chill out, be single, and if I run into sometime who naturally exhibits qualities I desire, go for it.

That's why I'm so confused that people can go from boyfriend to boyfriend so quickly. To me, it's like a scientific anomoly even being compatible with so many.

But the whole dom/sub thing, I'm not really about. I'd seek equal power dynamics in any relationship. And a sit ton of other checks and balances. And like you said about life bring too short not to share with another... My life is too short not to have a strong taste of freedom.

Tomatoes, tomahtoes.

 

[rareboy]

 

[tarallucci]

My life is too short not to have a strong taste of freedom.

You mean the freedom to have different partners?

Because when a relationship works I guess you don't feel imprisoned.

However, in relation to the fear of being alone and the reasons you stated in the past about the preference to stay alone... isn't it because of the patience that it takes that people don't want a commitment?

Making a cynical reasoning I could say that NSA relationships are easier than monogamous ones (more men, less hassle), and this makes me wonder about the importance that these people give to love.

They can love someone who is not their exclusive partner? They are able to love different people at once? The love for each of that partners is perfectly equal?

 

[peeonme]

The thought haunts me. In a few days I will be married for 42 years. I know that it's strange to read on this forum, after all most of us are gay or bi.
Be that as it may, when I finally came to grips with my sexuality I was already in love, I still am.
I took her to the emergency room a few days ago, her stoma (from an ileostomy) had gotten clogged, yesterday she fell head first in to the vanity in the bathroom, due to her stroke she is very unsteady, I can't get her to use a walker or a cane.
Tomorrow I will begin putting up railings in our home for her to steady herself on, I hope that she will use them.

I can't express how helpless one feels when they see someone fall and can't stop them, I don't have a cape and tights and I'm not from Krypton, all I can do is put up some railings.

So, yes I do worry about being alone.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

You mean the freedom to have different partners?

Because when a relationship works I guess you don't feel imprisoned.

However, in relation to the fear of being alone and the reasons you stated in the past about the preference to stay alone... isn't it because of the patience that it takes that people don't want a commitment?

Making a cynical reasoning I could say that NSA relationships are easier than monogamous ones (more men, less hassle), and this makes me wonder about the importance that these people give to love.

They can love someone who is not their exclusive partner? They are able to love different people at once? The love for each of that partners is perfectly equal?

Not the freedom of having different partners. That freedom is actually very low on my list.

Just freedom in general. Freedom to go places on my own. Freedom to make significant life choices knowing it doesn't affect another.

I just don't enjoy the idea of being stuck with a second set of opinions/wants/desires indefinitely.

I like knowing that if I wanted to pick up and vacation tomorrow, I could. I don't have to run that by anyone. I can have whatever dinner I want, not having to worry about what taste someone else has on a particular evening. Just the day to day successes of not being attached.

It's not always about sex, people.

 

[JPGhost]

freedom of "I wake up this morning, I don't feel obligation to entertain my partner for a whole day" ^^

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Or even part of it to be honest. More attachment = less mobility. Simple physics.

 

[tarallucci]

Well being in a relationship doesn't mean you are constrained, you don't have to "entertain" your partner, you can go somewhere without your partner, you could even live in different towns technically. But all of this would defeat the purpose, because a relationship is all about spending time with someone and caring about him.

One normally commits because finds it pleasant to share as much time as possible with the other half and the two have usually more or less the same views on things. Otherwise it sounds a bit selfish if I can say, you want the best out of that person for a limited period and then "get the fuck out of my way", no compromise

I understand not everyone is prone to that anyway.