Fear Of Being Alone?

[Kahaih]

What does "being alone" mean? When is someone alone? Is it no friends, no family, no lover, nobody who loves and cares about you, nobody you care about, no pets, nobody to talk to or who want to talk to you? "Alone" may mean different things to different people. But unless you live on a deserted island, you are never "alone."

This really is the difference between "being alone" and just not having a partner.

I have been living without a partner for the last 20 years but never been alone as I live on the job and spend all day with my work colleagues. I am now retiring and moving into a flat on my own and will now have to get used to really "being alone" for stretches of weeks. My English friends will come out and there is always Skype but it will be strange not talking to anyone for days on end.

Last I read, our TheLoveableLoner was living with at least 2 or 3 roommates in an apartment in a very large city.

With people/communal space right outside his bedroom door, I don't know how he finds much of any real 'me time'.

 

[bankside]

Or even part of it to be honest. More attachment = less mobility. Simple physics.

In 18 years of being with the same guy, he's only given me more options of places to go and things to see, and more ways of getting there. We help each other be mobile. The physics is what you make it.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

In 18 years of being with the same guy, he's only given me more options of places to go and things to see, and more ways of getting there. We help each other be mobile. The physics is what you make it.

I disagree. In the end, if you wanted to switch towns next month, could you? Surely that decision would involve him, wouldn't it?

As far as vacations, I hate traveling with people because it limits the amount on control I have in the exact itinerary.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Last I read, our TheLoveableLoner was living with at least 2 or 3 roommates in an apartment in a very large city.

With people/communal space right outside his bedroom door, I don't know how he finds much of any real 'me time'.

I'm not nor have I ever been a homebody.

I sleep at home. I spend every free moment I have wandering and exploring the city I love with my camera. Not only do I have no problem finding 'me' time within a crowd, but when you know the city as I do, finding remote, quiet areas to hang out is easy.

My roommates are good friends and my living situation will more than suffice until I get a place of my own.

 

[PalacePaul]

For me the most amazing thing with this kind of people is that not only they need different boyfriends one after another, but they manage to find them! Or they just take the first available guy they see, or whatever.
Seems that I couldn't find one even if I dated all day long...
And as for taking any available guy... no, thanks.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I disagree. In the end, if you wanted to switch towns next month, could you? Surely that decision would involve him, wouldn't it?

As far as vacations, I hate traveling with people because it limits the amount on control I have in the exact itinerary.

Eh yes that decision involves him but it doesn't keep you from making it.

And maybe it limits the amount of control and maybe it doesn't. When you meet the right person they accentuate your life rather than limiting it. It's something that's hard to conceptualize until you experience it.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Eh yes that decision involves him but it doesn't keep you from making it.

And maybe it limits the amount of control and maybe it doesn't. When you meet the right person they accentuate your life rather than limiting it. It's something that's hard to conceptualize until you experience it.

Two times in my life, I felt feelings for someone that made me enjoy the idea of possibly being an 'us.' In both of those scenarios I would've welcomed even the compromises necessary in order to be with them (and yes, every relationship requires compromise, no matter what above says).

But aside from those specific moments when I really liked someone enough to want a life with them, I've absolutely enjoyed the freedom of being alone. There are definitely upsides to being single, just as there are to being in a relationship.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

For me the most amazing thing with this kind of people is that not only they need different boyfriends one after another, but they manage to find them! Or they just take the first available guy they see, or whatever.
Seems that I couldn't find one even if I dated all day long...
And as for taking any available guy... no, thanks.

That's always what amazes me about these guys. I can't imagine being that needy and actually being rewarded for it.

But I'm happy that in my case, every guy I've ever longed for, I've longed for because they had qualities I treasured. It's never been because loneliness created a void on me to be filled with any guy with any number of basic, generic qualities. That would be so sad to me.

And I never want to feel like someone dating me isn't into me specifically so much as the immediate need for companionship.

 

[dpnice]

I would just like to point out that as the years pass "being alone" presents more disadvantages. Being reliant on yourself for everything becomes a heavy weight to bear and friends and family begin to play a more important part in your life.

Being old and single is neither better nor worse than being in a supportive relationship but it requires a different outlook on life and how to cope with the problems that arise.

Perhaps the hectic searching for a partner is a subconscious effort to share ones life with someone supportive by those who know that they are not the best equipped to spend their lives alone. Should we criticise them or hope that they actually find someone with whom they are able to spend the rest of their lives?

 

[dpnice]

Might I add that searching for companionship by sacrificing certain standards is not in itself a bad thing. Perhaps the relationships don't last because they are not built on a genuine basis of love, respect, etc. Perhaps they are started just to ensure a certain form of companionship; does this make them wrong or the people that commit so easily to them be considered frivolous and unworthy?

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

^It'll always come off as desperate to me. If I'm ever someone's boyfriend, I want to be the object of their true affections, not their desperation. Just me.

As for dying alone, I've never pictured it any other way. I've never thought of having kids and expecting them to take care of me when I'm older. That's selfish to give birth or raise children with the expectation of it being a down payment on assistance at old age. I'd never force that expectation on my child. I'd also never force that expectation on a lover.

 

[bankside]

I disagree. In the end, if you wanted to switch towns next month, could you? Surely that decision would involve him, wouldn't it?

As far as vacations, I hate traveling with people because it limits the amount on control I have in the exact itinerary.

Sometimes he's sitting on the toilet when I want to use it, and I have to go all the way over to the other bathroom. I. Am. Under. His. Thumb. HOW DO I COPE without the freedom to shit in the bathroom of my choice at the time of my choosing. This is exactly where the idea of "ball and chain" comes from.

Okay seriously though, we just don't create friction for each other. If we want to go out to a restaurant, one of us doesn't care and one of us has an idea for a new place. That makes it really easy.

If we both had ideas for a new place, we'd probably try them one weekend after another, because we're good at recommending places the other one will like, and if he knows about a place I now immediately want to try it just as much as the place I've found for him.

If I HAVE TO EAT MEXICAN TONIGHT on exactly the same day that he HAS TO EAT ITALIAN TONIGHT, we'd probably just go to two separate restaurants and text each other food pix and make annoyingly endearing comments back and forth before meeting up at home together. Okay we wouldn't do that, but we would rather do that than say "You know what, after 18 years of not getting Italian food when I want it, I'm done with this...We're through, and its for the best for both of us." I mean that sounds so silly.

All of life's decisions are like dinner. We make it work. Which means we do basically nothing at all because these things sort themselves out about 99 times out of 100 without even realising something needs to be made to work.

As far as disagreeing, it's like saying "How do you live in a house where all the door knobs jam? That would drive me nuts!" and I'm thinking "But I don't live in a house where the door knobs jam...it's never been a problem....I dunno, if it started happening all the time, it would piss me off yeah, and I'd want to fix it. But I wouldn't burn the house down and more to the point, the door knobs all open just fine."

 

[gaysian85]

I'm pretty lonely in general. And the closest gay bar in my area is an hour and a half away from where I am and I don't feel safe driving that far to a city I don't even know my way around in. I'm constantly paranoid of dying alone. Everyone seems to abandon me which makes me just stop caring about myself for months. The worst case was when a former friend abandoned me right after my mom died and that messed me up pretty much for a year and a half. I finally got over it two months ago.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Sometimes he's sitting on the toilet when I want to use it, and I have to go all the way over to the other bathroom. I. Am. Under. His. Thumb. HOW DO I COPE without the freedom to shit in the bathroom of my choice at the time of my choosing. This is exactly where the idea of "ball and chain" comes from.

Okay seriously though, we just don't create friction for each other. If we want to go out to a restaurant, one of us doesn't care and one of us has an idea for a new place. That makes it really easy.

If we both had ideas for a new place, we'd probably try them one weekend after another, because we're good at recommending places the other one will like, and if he knows about a place I now immediately want to try it just as much as the place I've found for him.

If I HAVE TO EAT MEXICAN TONIGHT on exactly the same day that he HAS TO EAT ITALIAN TONIGHT, we'd probably just go to two separate restaurants and text each other food pix and make annoyingly endearing comments back and forth before meeting up at home together. Okay we wouldn't do that, but we would rather do that than say "You know what, after 18 years of not getting Italian food when I want it, I'm done with this...We're through, and its for the best for both of us." I mean that sounds so silly.

All of life's decisions are like dinner. We make it work. Which means we do basically nothing at all because these things sort themselves out about 99 times out of 100 without even realising something needs to be made to work.

As far as disagreeing, it's like saying "How do you live in a house where all the door knobs jam? That would drive me nuts!" and I'm thinking "But I don't live in a house where the door knobs jam...it's never been a problem....I dunno, if it started happening all the time, it would piss me off yeah, and I'd want to fix it. But I wouldn't burn the house down and more to the point, the door knobs all open just fine."

It's not just dinner, it's everything. Music, politics, television, sports, hobbies, goals. It's the day to day of being stuck with another person's wants/needs. Not for me. I'd feel trapped. I'm happy you're happy, though.

 

[bankside]

It's not just dinner, it's everything. Music, politics, television, sports, hobbies, goals. It's the day to day of being stuck with another person's wants/needs. Not for me. I'd feel trapped. I'm happy you're happy, though.

Yeah, dinner was a metaphor for literally everything on your list.

It just isn't an issue (for us).

Not really trying to push it on you, but if you say no to it, at least know what you're saying no to. I've been in this relationship for 18 years and I didn't recognise anything in my daily life from how you described relationships. The conflicts you think are there don't (in my experience) exist, so I'm still waiting to see any signs that a relationship is like you think it is. Maybe we're freaks. And I mean that sincerely I'm not being an ass. It just isn't like that for us.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

I know what I'm saying no to. With extreme exception, every single time a guy gets too close to me, it annoys me to no end. It just doesn't feel right. I won't apologize for feeling that way. Some of us are loners and that's okay. You might not have those conflicts because I'm the weird one. I don't doubt being the odd one. I more than accept that. It is what it is. I feel trapped when someone else's opinions/wants/needs are inescapable. I need to be free.

 

[xboxfan34]

I really want a boyfriend or to lose my virginity....But...I just can't deal with the possibility of rejection...Not just by someone I want to be with, but by the community that is supposed to give me support....I'm afraid of re-entering that same void I was around Valentines day weekend. You all have no idea how close I actually was to committing suicide at that time.

 

[zombiekiller]

I really want a boyfriend or to lose my virginity....But...I just can't deal with the possibility of rejection...Not just by someone I want to be with, but by the community that is supposed to give me support....I'm afraid of re-entering that same void I was around Valentines day weekend. You all have no idea how close I actually was to committing suicide at that time.

Stop playing your xbox and get out there. Look, I'm an ugly 30 year old bastard and I can find a new boyfriend as fast as a week. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass out there.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

^ As fast as a week?!?!

Oh man, I don't think I've ever seen time constraints put on that as if it were a work assignment.

 

[refujiunderground]

i am a loner. there's times where i will isolate myself away from everybody for extended periods of time or go out and do my own thing. however, when it comes to social settings, that is kind of harder to do. i tend to get nervous and anxious where it's like.. "holy fuck. a sea of people." i tend to worry about how other people perceive me and etc so i just become real standoffish and feel really uncomfortable conversing with people. people see me just sitting there chilling or just withdrawn and they think that something is terribly wrong. they think that i'm drunk or high or sick or something.

i'll be honest. i don't see myself ever being alone as in not having any friends or people around me because i find myself having to go out my way to stay alone. it's like the more i try to isolate myself, the more attention i draw. there is always someone or some folks that there are basically there around me. it just so happens that i seem to draw people to me even when i don't even ask for it. it just happens. don't know how i do it or what i do. i also think that it's very unlikely that i will be grow old alone in terms of dating or relationships. i can see myself actually being married (to a man of course) with kids. i think that's what is in my fate. i'm a loner that feels alone that happens to draw people towards me and has friends. weird shit. not saying that i don't appreciate it because i know there's some people in the world that don't have any friends or are really alone even when they try to make friends so i'm fortunate in that sense.