First (ish) post, same old dilemma

[gaytxn09]

Oh, rareboy. I'm not pissing on you. I'm just saying that I didn't want people to assume wrongly. I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect. I'm really, really, really not. As a matter of fact, I was typing an earlier response which almost got read in full by the guy it's about. Obviously, not the brightest crayon in the box. Okay. Fine. I'm bright. But I have no sense with guys. Nor with people in general. Writing that down to communication only issues is a bit rash, but it's not wholly inaccurate. My deal is mainly that I don't tend to explain my side (or give my own defense even) because I don't want to offend anyone or even just get in any sort of trouble. I have a history of just dealing and carrying crap when I really shouldn't. I should just lay it out in the open. I've been trying to do that, but at the same time it's frustrating because I don't want anything to change. So...it seems rareboy has got me pegged. I just need to not expect or want anything because as Karabulut says, I'm obviously not mature enough for sex. I don't really know if that's true. I may not be mature enough for a relationship (especially since I have the most horrid self-image), but it's mainly that I don't believe anyone would want anything to me. So I get myself from both ends. I don't allow myself to believe that anyone would want anything with me, but then I also get mad at myself for not attracting anyone. It's completely stupid. But...it's me. And I have to figure it out. Not looking forward though.

 

[luminum]

No one's "pissing" on you, Rareboy. Perhaps you misread the tone of my post. I have no doubt that everything you wrote was in the spirit of guidance and assistance. I was merely pointing out why, based on several of the responses, the OP may have become defensive.
---------------------------------------------------

Anyway, gaytxn09, I'm glad to see that you haven't run off. A lot of the advice given here is good, albeit harsh. It's perfectly normal to feel this cluttered about something abstract like relationships, sex, and love.

It sounds like the bigger issue you're dealing with is feelings of inadequacy with guys and relationships, exacerbated by your friend, who is, by your standards, more attractive and who gets more attention. In my experience, while you'll encounter a lot of shallow people who only care about looks, when the time comes, people are going to stay for your personality and your disposition. Looks may bag a hook-up today, but looks get old (figuratively and literally). It sounds like what you need is just some confidence.

Being very honest with yourself, instead of being humble, what good things do you think you have to offer someone in a relationship? It's always good to be humble, but there's no problem in indulging a little to discover and anchor onto your own self-worth. I'm sure you can come up with some, and I doubt you're hideous by far. Thinking about the reasons for why you're a good catch is a healthy practice to prevent excessive self-deprecation. With that in mind, the next part is just having the courage to put yourself out there.

You may not bag your "hot" friend or get swarmed on a dance floor, but if you put yourself out there with some confidence and earnestness, it'll definitely show and your personality will shine through. It's not always easy, but being confident in one's self helps in just having a good time while you're searching for that someone. That's been my experience.

 

[EvilForce]

I have the most horrid self-image), but it's mainly that I don't believe anyone would want anything to me. So I get myself from both ends. I don't allow myself to believe that anyone would want anything with me, but then I also get mad at myself for not attracting anyone. It's completely stupid. But...it's me. And I have to figure it out. Not looking forward though.

If you can't love yourself my dear boy, you cannot truly love someone else.

ALL OF US, dislike various features that we would like to work on. But you have to love yourself for all of you. Not next month, or next week, or tomorrow. Today. Instead of obsessing over the 10% of your body and personality you dislike, focus on the 90% that's awesome.

Focus on your contentment and happiness internally. Not externally. Losing another 5 lbs, or getting the right job, or moving to the right city, won't make you happy. It comes from inside. Once you start liking yourself a bit more, you'll be surprised how much others do to. I'm telling you that as someone who's been there, done that.

 

[G-Lexington]

I ain't much to look at, either. Never have been. Always had a large forehead, biggish nose, weird-looking face, very hairy, kinda round, klutzy.

But I love me. I'm on my own jock. I think I kick ass. Not in a "I'm better than anyone else" sort of way, but just in a "I enjoy my own company, and I love being me" sort of way. And guess what? Once I started feeling that way, other people did too.

Lex

 

[EvilForce]

I ain't much to look at, either. Never have been. Always had a large forehead, biggish nose, weird-looking face, very hairy, kinda round, klutzy.

But I love me. I'm on my own jock. I think I kick ass. Not in a "I'm better than anyone else" sort of way, but just in a "I enjoy my own company, and I love being me" sort of way. And guess what? Once I started feeling that way, other people did too.

Lex

You mean your avatar isn't you? Here I was developing a fetish for pointy ears and green skin.

 

[gaytxn09]

So. We're now in central Europe for the weekend. We had a great time today, and now we're in the hostel just chilling. I'm checking responses, and he's listening and dancing to his iPod singing, "I scream--you lick my lollipop." Coincidence? I got so hard. And he had one hand under the covers....

He said yesterday that we should get it out of our heads that anything would happen. But then he does this. I don't know if it's just him letting his guard down around me or ann invitation. I don't know if I want sex, but making out and some fun is definitely needed for me to be less horny. :-(

 

[luminum]

Weren't we all?

 

[G-Lexington]

Again, if you're such good friends, TALK to him. You don't have to hit on him again. Just, when he does something provocative again, just smile and say, "Look, you said you didn't want to do anything physical, and I'm cool with that. But then when you do something like this, it starts putting ideas in my head." Don't sound accusatory. Keep it light. He should understand.

...Lex IS kinda cute, ain't he? I wouldn't mind commiting some serious snugglebunnies with him, I don't think.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

he's listening and dancing to his iPod singing, "I scream--you lick my lollipop." Coincidence? I got so hard.

Again, if you're such good friends, TALK to him.

Talk to him but perhaps you should go whack off in the shower beforehand.

 

[gaytxn09]

Talking is so the hard part. I always feel as if he's gonna hate me if I say anything, so I just stay quiet. Not the right thing to do, I know.

I'll do that. I'm also kinda worried that he might be winding me up. I shouldn't, but I do. He tends to be really guarded and secretive about lots of things, so I feel bad asking and talking sometimes. That's all really.

Night

 

[luminum]

The way I look at it, you already had a talk where he said up front that you and he aren't going to be doing anything together in terms of messing around. If that's the case, then this is probably him just having fun and not him flirting with you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Talking is so the hard part. I always feel as if he's gonna hate me if I say anything, so I just stay quiet. Not the right thing to do, I know.

I'll do that. I'm also kinda worried that he might be winding me up. I shouldn't, but I do. He tends to be really guarded and secretive about lots of things, so I feel bad asking and talking sometimes. That's all really.

Night

If you want him to be open and honest, you have to be willing to be open and honest, too.

At this point, he's made it clear that the two of you aren't going to hookup, so what is it that you're afraid of talking to him about?

 

[EvilForce]

Again, if you're such good friends, TALK to him. You don't have to hit on him again. Just, when he does something provocative again, just smile and say, "Look, you said you didn't want to do anything physical, and I'm cool with that. But then when you do something like this, it starts putting ideas in my head." Don't sound accusatory. Keep it light. He should understand.

...Lex IS kinda cute, ain't he? I wouldn't mind commiting some serious snugglebunnies with him, I don't think.

Lex

Actually in this particular instance I would say talking might be a waste of time. I'd instead let his body "talk" instead.

Next time he starts dancing and singing sexual, go up behind him and start dancing, and lightly grinding on him, or innocent bump here and there. How his body responds is what will tell you whether to keep slowly increasing your touch, or not. I think intellectualizing it by "talking" will yield the same result. "My mind is saying no, but my body is saying yes" comes to mind.

 

[gaytxn09]

Such a good point EvilForce. I wish I had more confidence about it, but I don't think I could do that cuz I'd be too self-conscious about it. And the thing is, I know that he would hook up with someone if he was drunk and horny. And he will most likely be drunk and horny this weekend, but I don't think he'd ever make any move towards me because we're friends. I know it seems pathetic, especially since it's not like I never have sex, but I just have this horrible itch to even just see him naked. I don't fancy him as much I just want to mess around and then not do anything ever again. It makes no sense, but that's what I feel, and I'd hope someone could say I was either being crazy or I was experiencing something a lot of people have.

We're going to an *interesting* bar/club tonight, so at least we'll both have a good time.

Xx

 

[KaraBulut]

I never have sex, but I just have this horrible itch to even just see him naked. I don't fancy him as much I just want to mess around and then not do anything ever again.

It's not a coincidence that there's a brand of potato chips named "Lays". And everybody just thinks that they can eat just one.

Doesn't work for potato chips. Doesn't work for messing around, either.

 

[gaytxn09]

Well, I've said before that I've only slept with one guy more than once. And normally I don't have sex anyways (trade bj's, etc). I haven't been sexually active for very long (only since last November), but I've made up for lost time. I for some reason can't even get off most times during sex without just jacking myself (perhaps I'm stooping), so I don't think this experience will blow everything else away. I just hate the fact that if he makes an indiscretion, it won't be with me. It's completely irrational, and I understand that, but at the same time I'd rather it be me. Safer for him, better for me. But I guess it won't happen anyways. I guess staying at home with a book wasn't the worst option then....

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I never have sex, but I just have this horrible itch to even just see him naked.

That'll hold you for...oh, a month or two. Then you'll just want to touch his cock. Just touch it! That's it! And then...

...sounds like you've got a lot of work to do.

Lex

 

[EvilForce]

Such a good point EvilForce. I wish I had more confidence about it, but I don't think I could do that cuz I'd be too self-conscious about it. And the thing is, I know that he would hook up with someone if he was drunk and horny. And he will most likely be drunk and horny this weekend, but I don't think he'd ever make any move towards me because we're friends. I know it seems pathetic, especially since it's not like I never have sex, but I just have this horrible itch to even just see him naked. I don't fancy him as much I just want to mess around and then not do anything ever again. It makes no sense, but that's what I feel, and I'd hope someone could say I was either being crazy or I was experiencing something a lot of people have.

We're going to an *interesting* bar/club tonight, so at least we'll both have a good time.

Xx

Which club? Termix? Temple? Temple used to have rent boys by the dozens there. Club Escape as well. Drakes is a bit of an older club, but they have sex in the basement if you are looking for that.

But dude, seriously man up. Don't bitch about your self-esteem. Just do it. If you can't ask or take what you want, don't expect anyone to hand it to you, live doesn't work that way, sorry.

 

[gaytxn09]

So I wrote out this long post on my phone, and it didn't work? Basically, we're going out to a really crazy dance club tonight, and he wants to get very drunk. And I'm nervous because if he wanders off, it will be hard to find him, and I know that if he starts hooking up with some complete random it would upset me because I'd have to either let him go home with the guy or drag him home. Either way is awkward for me. I just wonder how to let him know I'd do the same and we could still be friends. Oh well. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I also shouldn't expect the worst. Conundrums suck.

 

[luminum]

He knows, doesn't he? I mean, you guys talked. So there isn't much more to say other than if he decides to get drunk and hook up with some random dude that he's doing it with the knowledge in his head that you're also available. I mean it would basically mean that he's decided not to give you a shot. At the end of the day, he'll have his own reasons for picking someone else over you and nothing you can say is really going to make him choose otherwise at this point.

I mean, that sucks. But it's his decision. I think you need to accept that.