For those who confessed feelings to straight friends--

[catee222]

Can you share your experiences? I'll give you a little info on my situation.

I am preparing to tell one of my closest friends (who I have been crushing on for the past couple of months- I have made a previous thread about this) that I am bi (I'd like to tell him this weekend). I want to find out what his reaction is first before I possibly reveal my feelings to him.

He's an awesome friend, but I can't stop thinking about him and I don't know if it's worth risking the friendship. He's very shy, currently likes this 26 year old girl (a friend of both of ours but I'm not as close with her as he is) but doesn't speak about it much, found out about 3 weeks ago that she likes him back, but neither of them so far are making an effort to start dating, they hung out alone once and I think they're both too afraid to initiate anything, but still talk like they're friends. He's 23, I've known him since high school and he's never hooked up with a girl, never had a girlfriend/been on dates, nor expressed interest in liking a girl before this one, and he never (maybe seldom at best) comments about hot girls around us. But he doesn't like to express feelings much in general. This summer, whenever me, him, and his crush were at the beach, I noticed he didn't stare at her much whenever she walked passed us wearing her bikini; just something I picked up, might not mean anything (perhaps he likes her more romantically than sexually). So I think he's either straight or bi. We talked about a gay co-worker of ours once and I brought up that there was nothing wrong with the guy being gay. He said he doesn't care who is gay as long as they don't make any moves on him. I told him the same thing and covered up.

I've been getting physical with him a lot lately giving subtle hints and it doesn't bother him (patting on the back, arms on shoulders, playful punches, pushes, leaned on his shoulder a few times while I was wasted). He's not a touchy-feely person in general so he doesn't reciprocate much. He knows that if he ever has a problem with anything I do, he can tell me, and he hasn't mentioned anything about the touching. We talk about nearly everything except personal sexual-related stuff like j/o, the type of porn we watch, etc because we're both shy about those things, we kind of flirt with each other a bit (I've been initiating it more though obviously- we make fun of each other, curse each other out sometimes, prank each other). So as you can see, I cherish the friendship and I think he does, too--so to tell him I have sexual/romantic feelings for him can be too risky.

But on the other hand, if I tell him how I feel, I think I will gain some sanity back because at least he'll know why I've been acting quite different around him lately and he'll know I'm being honest with him. If I confess my feelings to him, I can see one of three things happening--

1) Wishful thinking- He admits he's also bi and likes me back, we both go home happy

2) He tells me that he's not interested and likes the girl, but still wants to remain friends. I may need time away from him to accept that we can't be anything beyond friends, and I'd have to let him know this, he'd probably understand.

3) He gets freaked out, never wants to see me or speak to me again, or at least we won't be as close as we used to be.

I'm hoping #3 doesn't happen considering we have a lot of mutual friends. I just thought I'd let you guys know my situation. Thanks for reading

 

[theplayerking]

There are two separate issues: (1) coming out as bi, and (2) letting him know you have a crush on him. You don't have to tackle both at the same time. Once he knows you're bi, he may assume that you're interested.

You could:

Figure out a way to come out (in conversation, etc.), or
Figure out a way to fool around with him and then come out (a much riskier proposition).

What I wouldn't do is come out in conversation and then say, "Oh, but the way, I'm also really attracted to you."

If he really is bi/gay and attracted to you, he'll probably express "curiosity" and come on to you. If he really is straight, he'll probably be fine with your sexuality but won't want to take it any further.

Also, there are a lot of straight guys who are willing to fool around behind closed doors. What you're implying, however, seems more like a potential relationship. That's never going to happen if he's really straight.

 

[catee222]

Thanks! I think I'll just stick with issue #1 (just coming out to him, nothing else) for now and see what happens. He and I are going to a coworkers party this weekend, so that's when I think I will tell him; I'm not sure who will be driving and how much we'll be drinking, but there will be plenty of booze there. Would it be better to tell him sober or drunk/tipsy? And what should his condition be? Of course I will tell him privately somewhere (at the house when no one else is around or in the car--assuming no one else is carpooling with us), but should I just straight out say it or figure out a way to lead into it through conversation?

As far as issue #2 goes (confessing my crush), you're right--the ball will be in his court once I come out to him so all I can do is wait and see how he reacts. I might like it, I might not, but it will better than just wondering and continue going crazy.

 

[youngnihilist]

yeah be hesitant about confessing a crush... most guys can handle the coming out part, but the second part is what destroys a lot of friendships. even if he is 100% accepting and kind, there will still be awkwardness

 

[catee222]

Another question--

After coming out to him, let's say he asks if I've ever been attracted to him, what should I say?

 

[Lube]

If he's 23 and never talked or dated a girl, he's almost certainly gay.

If the girl is 26 and never married, she may very well be lesbian. If she's never dated, she's almost certainly a lesbian. (IMHO)

It sounds like he's using the *possibility* of dating her as his beard ("cover"). He's not straight.

I agree in most cases it's not ideal to come out and admit a crush at the same time, this friend of yours sounds so convincingly gay and crushing on you that I don't think it would be a huge problem.

The biggest problem is whether he's ready to admit to himself that he's gay.

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

[catee222]

He told me that she had 2 "serious" boyfriends--one in high school that lasted about 3 years, and the other in college that lasted a little over a year. She also went on a couple of dates with a guy she met on an online dating site sometime after she finished college, but wasn't interested. So I doubt she's a lesbian, but who knows. She likes to keep a lot to herself.

I doubt he has a crush on me because he's not nearly as clingy to me as much as I am to him. That could just be his personality though since he's not the best at initiating and holding conversations even if he knows someone well. But when I keep talking, he'll certainly talk back. Perhaps he's in denial and like you said, is covering it up by liking her (or am I just hoping again ). It's possible that the two of them could be taking things really slow since she must know his background, although I have suspicions that they hooked up when they were alone together even though he's denying it (they only "hugged" he told me) since she likes to keep a lot of things secret. We'll see what happens this weekend

 

[theplayerking]

Another question--

After coming out to him, let's say he asks if I've ever been attracted to him, what should I say?

Then I think it's fair to say yes, without going into too many details ... unless he pushes it further.

The first guy that I came out to and confessed having a crush on (we were in high school, by the way) took it as a compliment. It seemed like he would have been annoyed if I HADN'T had a crush on him. He was very egotistical and a bit of jerk (but hot).

Fortunately for all involved, I was long since over the crush when we had the conversation.

Now that I think about it, he is the only straight guy I've told about my attraction to him. After that I just let them know I was gay and put the ball in their court.

 

[DarkHelios]

I've told two guys (two separate cases) that I was attracted to them. I was turned down by both (turns out they were both straight). With one, we pretty much just went on as if it never happened. With the other, we had a talk about it the next time I saw him, and then we went on with our lives as usual. They're both still close friends of mine.

My suggestion would be to come out to him and see where things go from there.

Disclaimer:
Each guy already knew that I was gay.

I knew them both well enough to be pretty sure that the worst case scenario would be an extended period of awkwardness.

 

[GBirdie]

From what you describe your friend to be, he sounds exactly like ME lol!! I don't show feelings much too, I TRY TO, but I always end up being back to who I am, seemingly 'couldn't-care-less' attitude, though I'll say that I do, I really do.

Anyway, as for "I noticed he didn't stare at her much whenever she walked passed us wearing her bikini; just something I picked up, might not mean anything (perhaps he likes her more romantically than sexually)"

in MY case, I don't stare too. 1, because it's rude. 2, because it's awkward. Well, I DO stare if..... nobody's watching me.... and, the person I'm staring at isn't facing me. Hope that might give you an idea of what might be going through his mind, coz like I said, he seemed to have a personality like mine from your description.

Another question--

After coming out to him, let's say he asks if I've ever been attracted to him, what should I say?

I had this question asked too. In fact it was a more like "What do you think about me?" question. I'll say that you should answer as honestly as possible, ^.^ If you don't wanna answer it/don't feel like admitting, ignore/evade the question with a "why do you wanna know?" or something else, but DON'T LIE (meaning don't replace a YES with a NO, you can choose to keep quiet, or whatever). That's my personal advice.

 

[mydrew1]

I had probably the most embarrassing scenario.

Not only did my first big crush reject me when I asked him out, the next day he had announced to my year of my sexuality and advances. He was standing in the middle of the main courtyard surrounded by most students in my year that morning. I passed by, despite some beckoning by a jerk in the crowd.

Fortunately I took only about a week to get over it. I will never forgive such casual disrespect like that. He said hi to me once when we passed in a shopping mall a few years ago. I simply said "Hi." in return. If he ever passes a greeting at me again I will both stop, say hi, then ask him if he regrets his behaviour.

 

[Lube]

She likes to keep a lot to herself.

... since she likes to keep a lot of things secret.

OMG, that is soooooo GLBT. Look at all the closeted guys on this forum. Secrets everywhere.

I had probably the most embarrassing scenario.

Not only did my first big crush reject me when I asked him out, the next day he had announced to my year of my sexuality and advances. He was standing in the middle of the main courtyard surrounded by most students in my year that morning. I passed by, despite some beckoning by a jerk in the crowd.

Fortunately I took only about a week to get over it. I will never forgive such casual disrespect like that. He said hi to me once when we passed in a shopping mall a few years ago. I simply said "Hi." in return. If he ever passes a greeting at me again I will both stop, say hi, then ask him if he regrets his behaviour.

That's really awful, but a risk we all take.

He could've turned out to be the love of your life. You never know. I think it was better that you tried.

 

[catee222]

From what you describe your friend to be, he sounds exactly like ME lol!! I don't show feelings much too, I TRY TO, but I always end up being back to who I am, seemingly 'couldn't-care-less' attitude, though I'll say that I do, I really do.

Anyway, as for "I noticed he didn't stare at her much whenever she walked passed us wearing her bikini; just something I picked up, might not mean anything (perhaps he likes her more romantically than sexually)"

in MY case, I don't stare too. 1, because it's rude. 2, because it's awkward. Well, I DO stare if..... nobody's watching me.... and, the person I'm staring at isn't facing me. Hope that might give you an idea of what might be going through his mind, coz like I said, he seemed to have a personality like mine from your description.

Yea, you have a good point. I'm sure he does consider the other people (that we know) around us, which is why he doesn't stare.

Interesting story I'd like to tell; could it mean anything? idk--a couple of weeks ago, I was chatting with him and a few other friends online about a baseball game we were going to. He was going to be one of the drivers and he needed directions to get to the stadium. He knew of two different routes to get there and he joked by saying "maybe I will go both ways" (meaning he'd literally do that, nothing related to being bi). So I jokingly replied "will (girl's name) be okay with that?" He didn't get it at first. It took him about a minute to realize what I meant and then he said "sigh...you're disgusting, just for that I should take both routes lol." Then we changed the subject. I wonder if his face turned red, hehe.

 

[relaxin13]

I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. The first person I came out to was (well, is) one of my good friends, and I had a huge crush on him. I'd talk to him every day and we'd have long conversations about everything in life. Long story short, I had convinced myself that he had the same feelings for me that I had for him (who will now be known as J).

After I came out to J, I waited a while, and continued conversing with him a lot. Nothing had changed in our friendship; if anything it was better.

Eventually I couldn't control myself and I confessed my feelings for J. He let me know up front that that it made him feel awkward. J was still my friend... but it was something more distant than before. I thought I might have lost J as a friend because we didn't enjoy hanging out any more. I sorta got depressed and unhappy with life, and in general my life was worse than it was before.

I made myself stay away and not talk often to J so that my feelings for him would calm down. After a year and a half or so, we became back on normal terms. My feelings for him left after spending the time apart, and he and I are back to being good friends, but nothing more.

Moral: Don't complicate matters if the risk is not worth the (potential) reward.

 

[texan_slant]

The same thing happened with my best friend and I -

I came out and professed my feelings towards him at the same time. He's straight, and dealt with it well. Then, I wanted to pull away "for the sake of my feelings", and he implied through his actions, that if that is what I wanted, then he would pull the plug altogether on our friendship. We didn't talk for a month straight, and I was distraught - until my friend started talking to me again, as usual.

I see two different action items here. Having been there, my humble opinion would be to come out first, and not profess those feelings unless the time seemed right - which might be never. Deal with it in stages. At least, if you came out, the ball would be kinda in your friend's court if he was gay.

I hate to burst your bubble, but this kind of thing happens a lot with gay/straight best friends. Naturally, as human beings, we are drawn to others with whom we connect well to - friends, lovers, partners, etc. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the boundaries between straight/gay guys get a little muddied the connection can be so strong that we end up falling for 'em!

A word of caution - we usually project onto others what we hope for, and look for any trivial indication that the other is going to reciprocate. Well, if we look hard enough, *anything* the other does can be construed as that mutual feeling that we hope for.

Also, I'd never assume that someone is gay unless they came out. Good luck!

 

[catee222]

I chickened out . He ended up driving me and someone else (a mutual acquaintance) to the party last night. I ended up getting a bit drunk and casually touched him a couple of times, but didn't have an opportunity to be alone with him much at the party. The guy who went with us wanted to leave early, so after we dropped him off, I kept inviting my crush over to my house just to hang out (I was going to tell him there, my parents weren't going to be home for a while), but he kept rejecting the offer because he said he had a lot of schoolwork to do. I kept contemplating whether or not I should tell him in the car on the way back to my house, but couldn't do it . I couldn't find a way to lead into it through conversation.

As far as his "relationship" with this girl goes, he doesn't consider the two of them to be official (yet), and she hasn't been making an effort to pursue anything. They only hung out (just the two of them) once a few weeks ago and she supposedly has some commitment issues according to her best friend. He wants to try to talk to her about it and work things out, but he's not sure when and how. I'm sure there will be plenty of other opportunities for me to come out to him; I'm not going to give up just yet. Although I think the fact that he wouldn't come into my house last night means he's not interested . Or he's in denial and trying not to be interested (ha, I'm still hoping as usual), I don't know.

 

[dragonpearls333]

I was in a pretty similar situation awhile ago - my close friend was interested in a girl he couldn't get; I was interested in my friend, whom I also knew I didn't have a chance with. He gets a little physical sometimes, and we hugged a lot. We had a tickling fight once, but that was when we were sleep deprived...

I had hinted at coming out to him while chatting online, but he wasn't very good at taking hints (and I'm horrible at being direct). Eventually, he figured out what I was trying to say, and though he had to think on it for awhile, he was fine with it in a day.

After a year and four months of crushing on him, I decided that it was starting to annoy me, and that I needed some liberation from it. Telling him over the internet or by text would have been wimpy, and I knew that I needed to set myself straight and talk to him about it. One day, I just texted him to meet me at my house, and that we needed to talk about things. I had NO idea what we were going to do, so there was a lot of panic in my mind for the whole wait for him to get there. Once he arrived, I decided to take him on a walk and try to talk through it.

It was...excruciatingly difficult telling him. Trying to be indirect again (DON'T do this. Being direct is usually better), I tried to piece together a story and analogy for him to understand. We walked to the park, down the street, across the neighborhood, until I realized that it was starting to rain. I hated that I had dragged him into the rain, but I just couldn't go back after that.

I knew I just had to be brave and tell him. So I did.

It was alright. He had been thinking about it during the walk, since I had hinted at it before. He was weirded out a little bit, but he told me that we could still be friends afterward. We spent some time talking about our respective troubles with relationships, and in the end, I felt so much better off having a definitive friendship with him after.

Now, we're still good friends. Because of that incident, I got over him within a month, and though I had dreaded it before, it was something I'll never regret. But whether you should tell your friend? It really depends on what your read is of him and how close you guys are. Is he the type to completely freak out and cut off contact? Will he accept you as who you are? Is he a fairly liberal person? I realize that I was lucky that my friend was as accepting as he was; many guys wouldn't be like that.

 

[catee222]

I was in a pretty similar situation awhile ago - my close friend was interested in a girl he couldn't get; I was interested in my friend, whom I also knew I didn't have a chance with. He gets a little physical sometimes, and we hugged a lot. We had a tickling fight once, but that was when we were sleep deprived...

I had hinted at coming out to him while chatting online, but he wasn't very good at taking hints (and I'm horrible at being direct). Eventually, he figured out what I was trying to say, and though he had to think on it for awhile, he was fine with it in a day.

After a year and four months of crushing on him, I decided that it was starting to annoy me, and that I needed some liberation from it. Telling him over the internet or by text would have been wimpy, and I knew that I needed to set myself straight and talk to him about it. One day, I just texted him to meet me at my house, and that we needed to talk about things. I had NO idea what we were going to do, so there was a lot of panic in my mind for the whole wait for him to get there. Once he arrived, I decided to take him on a walk and try to talk through it.

It was...excruciatingly difficult telling him. Trying to be indirect again (DON'T do this. Being direct is usually better), I tried to piece together a story and analogy for him to understand. We walked to the park, down the street, across the neighborhood, until I realized that it was starting to rain. I hated that I had dragged him into the rain, but I just couldn't go back after that.

I knew I just had to be brave and tell him. So I did.

It was alright. He had been thinking about it during the walk, since I had hinted at it before. He was weirded out a little bit, but he told me that we could still be friends afterward. We spent some time talking about our respective troubles with relationships, and in the end, I felt so much better off having a definitive friendship with him after.

Now, we're still good friends. Because of that incident, I got over him within a month, and though I had dreaded it before, it was something I'll never regret. But whether you should tell your friend? It really depends on what your read is of him and how close you guys are. Is he the type to completely freak out and cut off contact? Will he accept you as who you are? Is he a fairly liberal person? I realize that I was lucky that my friend was as accepting as he was; many guys wouldn't be like that.

Thanks a lot for that story. I wouldn't mind if that's how it ends up between my friend and I. I just have to find another opportunity to be alone with him in person (and simply tell him) since we're so busy with school/work now.

Now about whether or not my friend would accept me as who I am?--I'm not sure--

-Since I've known him, he usually doesn't initiate contact and make plans with me so much (nor does he with other friends). So I feel like if I were to just one day fall off the face of the earth, then he wouldn't bother to contact me (I can't say I actually tested this though lol). But on the other hand, if I were to either IM him about something or call him just to say hi, he'll keep a conversation going and we can end up talking for quite a while as long as we both have some things to say (we're both generally shy, but I'm a bit more outgoing). He's also willing to hang out if I ever make plans. I guess it's just his personality in this case.

-We both have quite a few mutual close friends, so if he and I were to have a falling out, then it would make things difficult for everyone else as far as spending time together goes.

- It takes A LOT to get my friend pissed off (in fact as long as I've known him, I've never seen him act pissed). I've done and said some things to him that would probably piss off anyone else and possibly destroy the friendship, but of all those incidents in the past, he's forgiven me and still sticks by me. He's just very easy-going and "whatever" about things. And he doesn't seem to have a problem with gay people because we worked with an openly gay guy over the summer and the two of them talked and joked around at times--but they're not close friends, just acquaintances, so idk how he would feel having a close friend who's bi.

what do you think?

 

[spencer]

I didn't get to read the others cause I have to go to bed!

I came out to my friend who I was infatuated with and didn't tell him so much I wanted him as much as I wanted things to happen with him around (j/o to porn together, guy-girl-guy, 3some).

He said he isn't the least bit gay, is a bit of a homophobe and there is no way. This never changed our friendship really, I think it strengthened it really. He did ask why him and I told him cause he was cool and took care of his appearances.

These days (several months later), he's still cool and still sends an occasional picture of him in his shorts when I ask Still trying to get him to lose the shorts in the pic but he won't do it ... yet

On the subject of the 3some he's back and forth on it. Last I hear it was a no, but the previous 2 times it came up it was a yes and of course it was a no just after I told him about me, but yes's before that, lol.

Each person is different. I think I knew I could come out to him with the knews I wanted to play because I knew him. My other friend I came out to, I know I can't come out and say I wanted to play. You have to judge.

 

[theplayerking]

You could look at it another way:

I've had many, many, many straight women (who knew that I'm gay) come on to me. I've never been offended, but it always seems like a strange waste of time. I imagine a straight male friend would feel the same way (at best) if I came on to him.

Same-sex relationships are much more mainstream today than they were 20 or even 10 years ago. Straight people think about same-sex activity in a way that they never did before. They may be uninterested, but it's not a surreal or alien idea. If a friend knows you're gay/bi and is attracted to you, he will probably say or do something (at least fool around in private if not a full-blown relationship).

Regarding unrequited crushes, if being around the person is too painful, sometimes a temporary separation necessary. His being gay or straight has nothing to do with it. If he's not interested, he's not interested; do whatever you need to do to move on. It's painful, but sometimes for the best.