Found my "straight" crush on Grindr...

[TX-Beau]

LIguy11, the basic truth of it is that it doesn't matter what he is, what he isn't, what his motivations are, what they aren't. His actions are the disqualifier. It took me years and years to learn this so take advantage of my mistakes - it doesn't matter what a guy says, the truth is in what he does.

A guy who wants to be with you will make the time and take the effort. This eternal bait and tease is nothing real. I'm sorry that there is nothing else going on in your life, and if you want to take this as just a silly pass-time, well, so long as you don't endow it with something more, I guess that's OK, but never delude yourself into thinking that this has a future.

 

[thegentleman]

So the account that I've been talking about was on Grindr again the other night, early morning around 4:30am. I again tried to message him from a blank profile to see if I could get more info and possibly some pics so I can see if it's my trainer/friend. The account gave me some info that kind of conflicts with who my trainer is - for example, he told me he's 100% Italian however I know my guy is actually Greek and Italian. He also told me the town he lives in, which is not where my trainer currently lives. Though of course this could all just be him lying to further hide his identity.

He finally sent some nudes just showing his lower body/dick. The pic of the body he sent didn't really match up with the main profile pic in my eyes. However, he was in a sitting position so that could've been why it looked different. A few of my friends think it's really him and that the pics do match.

Anyway, at this point I was convinced it was a catfish. From this blank profile, I asked him "why are you cat fishing" and he replied with "?". I said that the photo he sent doesn't really match the profile photo. I asked him to be honest and he said he was. I said "send me more then" and he sent another dick pic that wasn't showing much else.

At this point I was convinced I was being catfished and started to get a bit frustrated. I made another blank profile (since I'm crazy) and I basically told this account that I think I know him from Instagram (from my blank profile). He asked how and I sent him the screenshot of my trainer's Instagram and told him that his profile pic is the same, and that he better prove it's him and I'd keep it between us, or I'd report his profile for cat fishing. I asked him if it was him and he said "yes, I'm DL". Then was asking for who I am on Instagram and for more pics of me, as I 'know too much' about him and it's only fair for me to reveal myself. He wouldn't however prove it was him so he said "nvm, sorry" and then blocked my fake page. Then the profile disappeared completely when I went back on my real account, so I'm pretty sure he deleted it.

I come to find out that I could've simply reported the account and he would've had to verify it was him to Grindr or the page would have been deleted. I wish I had known that prior. Now I feel like I'll never know the truth and if I ask him myself, he will probably catch on that it was me (if it was even him to begin with).

I almost want to post the pics on here so you guys can evaluate lol.

 

[mcbrion]

I think you're missing the point: many people are not interested in "evaluating" this guy. You're creating unnecessary drama for yourself, and usually people do that because their lives are empty and this is the only satisfaction they can get - even though it is completely UN-satisfying.

Loneliness is hard to handle when your view of yourself is that you are unworthy - and that is coming thru in spades. Self-esteem issues account for a good many threads in this section, so you're not alone. But YOU yourself are creating this misery by playing senseless games, while at the same time purporting to just "want to know the truth." You don't want the truth: you're not living it and you're not giving it to him, either.

It's not your business what he does with his life, or how he handles it. He is simply a means of you distracting yourself from having to make your own life better. I don't think you want to look at that too closely. And I think people constantly replying to you gets you the attention you want - but it's not positive "attention." I think I've posted on this matter once on your original thread. My 'take' on this?? The thread responses 'feed' you. You want attention. And simply by people replying, you're getting that attention. When people stop replying, what then? Isn't that why you started a new thread? Because you were getting so many negative responses on the old thread? People WILL stop replying and frankly? That's the only thing that's going to get you to take action and get out of the rut you are in. It's hard to be 'stuck,' but you won't get un-stuck until YOU do something else other than complain about how someone else is living THEIR life and how it frustrates you. Find a way to live your own life and leave him - and his life - alone. You and he are not "friends." "Friends" don't 'game' each other and that's all this is. Grow up, brother.

 

[thegentleman]

Well yesterday he sent me a snap of himself naked in the mirror with a sticker/emoji covering his groin area...not sure what “Straight” guy would send that to another dude. I just opened it and didn’t reply.

He texted me later on and told me to call him so I did. He was asking me if I wanted to work out, and I told him I was going over my friend’s house and spending the night. His response was “oooohhhhh what’s his name?” (basically insinuating I was going for a booty call). I told him it was really just a friend. I just find it interesting that he said “his” name, considering I haven’t discussed that I’m gay with him...which leads me to believe it was really him on Grindr, or maybe I just set his gaydar off. Or maybe he sees me liking guys pics on Instagram lol.

 

[Ganoderma]

LIguy11, you don't have a history with girlfriends, you don't have a girlfriend / wife at the moment, and you don't talk with this guy about your deep wish and/or great desire to get a girlfriend, etc, etc. So what's the point that this guy will not wonder why you don't seem to have alot of interest in girls and/or why you don't seem to be very eager to get a girlfriend, etc., etc., etc. You are a healthy young male and I tend to think that this guy is already aware, and likely already for a prolonged period of time, that you are a gay guy, and/or is quite sure that this is the case. So I would like to advise you to be upfront to him and just tell him as soon as possible and very straightforward that you are a gay guy.

 

[KaraBulut]

...His response was “oooohhhhh what’s his name?” (basically insinuating I was going for a booty call). I told him it was really just a friend. I just find it interesting that he said “his” name, considering I haven’t discussed that I’m gay with him...which leads me to believe it was really him on Grindr, or maybe I just set his gaydar off. Or maybe he sees me liking guys pics on Instagram lol.

Nah, he's doing what a lot of familiar people do- he opened a door for you to casually come out to him.

He knows. You missed the opportunity to return the favor and open the door for to tell you whether he's gay or straight.

 

[jaysizzles]

Yes, he knows you are gay...known for a while and is baiting you. He's playing games with you like you've been playing games with him. So much time and energy wasted being afraid, and being sneeky with the fake accounts and cyber stalking him when you could have been direct with him awhile ago and now, possibly, be screwing him.

 

[thegentleman]

Nah, he's doing what a lot of familiar people do- he opened a door for you to casually come out to him.

He knows. You missed the opportunity to return the favor and open the door for to tell you whether he's gay or straight.

I don’t understand how I ‘missed the opportunity’...because I didn’t response to his Snapchat pic? I mean, what was I supposed to say? I don’t want to come off as thirsty/desperate.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don’t understand how I ‘missed the opportunity’...because I didn’t response to his Snapchat pic? I mean, what was I supposed to say? I don’t want to come off as thirsty/desperate.

No, when he said, "What's his name?", you could have said, "John but we're just friends. He's not my type."... "So, what kind of guys are you into?".

If he acts offended, you can segue into, "No offense intended but some guy sent me your picture on a dating app. Was that you?".

 

[TX-Beau]

No, when he said, "What's his name?", you could have said, "John but we're just friends. He's not my type."... "So, what kind of guys are you into?".

If he acts offended, you can segue into, "No offense intended but some guy sent me your picture on a dating app. Was that you?".

Sure but that would have ended the drama.

 

[thegentleman]

Sure but that would have ended the drama.

Yeah, okay. I don’t why it’s so hard to understand that I want to take things slowly with this guy and not freak him out or scare him off. I want him to know he can trust me before I go asking him something personal like that, that he clearly doesn’t want anyone to know at this point in his life.

 

[SeaCore]

That's a bit at odds with your past behavior... You've been trying to manipulate them into coming out to you. That's not a great foundation for trust.
Honesty and trust are closely linked. What other ways are you trying to build trust?

 

[thegentleman]

That's a bit at odds with your past behavior... You've been trying to manipulate them into coming out to you. That's not a great foundation for trust.
Honesty and trust are closely linked. What other ways are you trying to build trust?

I haven't been manipulating him directly, I've simply been trying to find out if the Grindr profile was him or a catfish. I've tried to build trust with him by letting him know he can talk to me about anything when he was depressed/not feeling well, trying to relate to him about his personal issues with my own, always showing up to our appointments and keeping my word (even when he doesn't), etc. I've been very friendly with him and even suggested we go to the movies, etc and do things outside of just him training me. I'm trying to be a friend to him first and then take it from there.

 

[SeaCore]

LIguy11. I don't know any way else to put this but bluntly.
If I were this trainer and I found out you'd posted pictures of me in an attempt to identify me from a Grindr profile where I was intentionally trying to be discrete I would feel absolute betrayal. That is an act that is trust shattering.

I understand that they may never find out, especially since I believe that thread was deleted. That doesn't matter. Someone invested in earning someone's trust behaves like it. I absolutely believe you trying to get them to trust you. But that doesn't mean you earned it. You manufactured it.

It seems to me like you are strongly invested in seeing their vulnerable side but you don't seem to be willing to show yours because you're afraid they'll see it and leave. Don't you feel like you've been a little more in control of this whole scenario than your trainer has been?

I'm sorry to be so harsh but I'm concerned that you're so caught up in achieving your fantasy that you're not looking at the reality and how it's kind of scary to look at.

 

[thegentleman]

LIguy11. I don't know any way else to put this but bluntly.
If I were this trainer and I found out you'd posted pictures of me in an attempt to identify me from a Grindr profile where I was intentionally trying to be discrete I would feel absolute betrayal. That is an act that is trust shattering.

I understand that they may never find out, especially since I believe that thread was deleted. That doesn't matter. Someone invested in earning someone's trust behaves like it. I absolutely believe you trying to get them to trust you. But that doesn't mean you earned it. You manufactured it.

It seems to me like you are strongly invested in seeing their vulnerable side but you don't seem to be willing to show yours because you're afraid they'll see it and leave. Don't you feel like you've been a little more in control of this whole scenario than your trainer has been?

I'm sorry to be so harsh but I'm concerned that you're so caught up in achieving your fantasy that you're not looking at the reality and how it's kind of scary to look at.

I never posted his face picture, so it’s not like anyone would know who the body belonged to. I’m not afraid to show my vulnerable side, I’ve shown a few times with him. I’m just trying not to overwhelm him and taking things slowly. And I don’t really feel like I’m in control of anything to be honest.

 

[ballcaphair]

I never posted his face picture, so it’s not like anyone would know who the body belonged to. I’m not afraid to show my vulnerable side, I’ve shown a few times with him. I’m just trying not to overwhelm him and taking things slowly. And I don’t really feel like I’m in control of anything to be honest.

I believe SeaCore has nailed it. If you google me you will find me or my twin brother everywhere. Our professional pics are all over the net. We're so frustrated with the whole heist that we've quit googling because it's heartbreaking. To think of how many people are being played makes me angry. I've never done grindr, for the record. The net breeds catfish, so assume nothing and guard your heart.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, okay. I don’t why it’s so hard to understand that I want to take things slowly with this guy and not freak him out or scare him off. I want him to know he can trust me before I go asking him something personal like that, that he clearly doesn’t want anyone to know at this point in his life.

See it just sounds like you want to prolong the indecision so you can maintain the fantasy. Once he says no, it's over.

 

[thegentleman]

Well, just to prove to all of you that I wasn't just about the "drama" and really did want to get to the bottom of this (actually, that's not really why I did this), I finally was open with him yesterday and asked him about the Grindr situation and talked about myself being gay. We were texting because we were supposed to work out, he made a joke, so I called him an asshole and this is how the rest of the convo went:

Him: Blow me
Me: Whip it out (with laughing emoji)
Him: You're gay aren't you
Me: Yeah but I was kidding bro lmfao. Is that ok with u? Lol. Or are you gonna get all weird on me
Him: I knew lol. I don't care. It does not affect me haha. You know I love you.
Me: Lmao thanks brotha, I appreciate it. Love you too (with heart emoji) hahaha.
Him: You think I didn't know
Me: Lmfao. Well now that we're on the topic, are you bi? I was meaning to ask you because like a month ago someone on Grindr messaged me and I'm like 90% sure it was a pic of you. I wrote back "hey" but the person never replied so I was just like wtf lol
Him: Hahaha really
Me: Lmao yeah hahaha. Someone must be cat fishing with your pics (with laughing emoji)
Him: Oh baby lucky me.
Me: Smh. Fucking gays these days lol (jokingly). I mean if it was you, you could tell me. I would never tell anyone. I believe you though. Just saying lmao.
Him: Hahaha I'll show you.
Me: Show me what?

He then read the message and didn't reply. About a half hour later he texted me and told me to head over to his place to work out (he has a gym in his apartment building).

I get there and I had to run to the bathroom, he immediately cracks a joke about me being gay which I obviously laughed off since I don't get offended and can take a joke. I come out of the bathroom and go into the gym area, and he says "come here, this is what I wanted to show you". He takes out his phone and shows me a screenshot of a Grindr conversation which had some unattractive guy's photos on it. He told me "this is the guy that's been using my pics". He told me that he found out from one of his gay friends, because this guy allegedly sent the same phone number to two different people.

I then told him how the account that messaged me just had a torso with the face cut off but I recognized the photo from somewhere, and realized it was the one he texted me. He was like "yeah, I don't even have that picture posted anywhere, I think the kid stole it from my Snapchat". I said "oh, he took a screenshot of it?" (for those of you not familiar with Snapchat, you will get a notification if someone takes a screenshot of your message to them). He replied "Yeah, he's always screenshotting my stuff, I don't care though."

I proceeded to work out, and he was almost like a totally different person. He kept talking about how he has gay friends, his former best friend used to be gay but he moved to Florida, etc. He said him and this best friend were having a threesome with a girl, and he knew the friend was gay because the whole time he was staring at him and not the girl.

He went on and on, talking about how he's worked in gay clubs (he does security) before and he's gotten a lot of girls from doing that because they think they are gay when they see him there, and how there are always hot girls hanging out with gay guys in gay clubs. He made another joke about me being gay and I said "takes one to know one". He was like "I don't care" and shrugged his shoulders. He said "Gay guys always think I'm gay because I'm just so outgoing and friendly with everyone" or something to that effect.

We continued to work out, he kept cracking jokes and I laughed them off and made some back at him. He was being a bit flirty too and even slapped my ass. He was talking about how it's good to be open and that being in the closet is no way to live, and if someone has a problem with it, then screw them basically. I told him how it's 2018 and nobody really cares. Even the people who I thought would care, didn't care when I came out and everyone is pretty cool about. He agreed but said "the only people who care are the older generation, like people in their 50s and 60s". I told him "not all of them" and he said "yeah, but a lot" or something like that.

We ended up going down to the parking garage to get cigarettes from his car to smoke. He farted and jokingly said to me "you want that ass?". I laughed it off and said "no thanks". He went into his car and said that he thinks he forgot his cigarettes upstairs in his apartment. We went up to his apartment and just hung out and smoked. He was laying on the couch and I was sitting next to him but not close. He was mainly just relaxing on his phone but we were still chatting a little. It was a bit silent. And then eventually I just left after about 10 minutes.

Based on what I saw on his phone (what "straight" guy has screenshots from Grindr convos on his phone?) and his actions last night, I definitely think it was him on Grindr and that he is either gay or bi, but likely nowhere near ready to come out. I will say though, he seemed a lot more open, comfortable, and friendly with me than he ever has (I'm not insinuating he's attracted to me). And it did feel good to get all of that off my chest. We'll see what happens, I guess.

 

[jaysizzles]

Good...I'm happy for you that you were open and honest with him...finally! It'll be so much easier to just be yourself around him, with no games.

 

[thegentleman]

And sorry, when he said this alleged person was using his pics, he said he supposedly found out that he sent the same phone number from 2 separate accounts. Also, he told me that the pic I saw of him isn’t posted anywhere, yet it is on his Instagram page...