Found my "straight" crush on Grindr...

[ballcaphair]

Just hopped back in to see how you were doin' and I'm glad he was who he appeared to be. Sounds like he's sketchy and he's keeping you teetering. Advice is cheap and internet advice is free: pass on him, give it up, go to a place where you will meet people who will chill with you. You've invested and anguished enough for at least three people. I suggest you go to a gym. You might meet someone who likes what you like, that's a good start. Even if you're at the gym alone, it's a win. You can work out and maybe a spotting bud will show up. Just get out of your own head for a bit. Go for a run.

Put all of this energy into yourself.

You deserve it.

 

[TX-Beau]

You know LIguy11, people spend a bunch of time looking for that perfect guy, that embodies all that they desire - but consider this, attraction is a two way street, and you almost never hear those guys asking what they can do to be the perfect guy for someone else.

Here's what you do. You decide what kind of guy you want, then you make a plan, and do everything you can to make yourself the guy that guy wants to date.

A better plan is to decide what kind of guy you want to be for yourself, then do everything you can to be that guy.

Even if you get a boyfriend, that doesn't change anything, you go into that relationship with all of the issues you had before - if you are jealous and insecure, you will be a jealous and insecure boyfriend. Some other guy will never cure you of the issues you have. The only person who can do that is you, and perhaps you should consider that you aren't in a place to have a successful relationship just yet and need to spend some time on yourself.

No one can change you for the better but you, and the question is, are you willing to put in the effort? You can complain till the stars fall, what are you willing to do to change your situation?

 

[Sebazz]

If this is a mistake you need to make you should just offer him money for sex so you can get this fantasy out of your system before things get ugly. Enjoying the power he has over you and the need for money and a roof are a trainwreck waiting to happen

 

[thegentleman]

You know LIguy11, people spend a bunch of time looking for that perfect guy, that embodies all that they desire - but consider this, attraction is a two way street, and you almost never hear those guys asking what they can do to be the perfect guy for someone else.

Here's what you do. You decide what kind of guy you want, then you make a plan, and do everything you can to make yourself the guy that guy wants to date.

A better plan is to decide what kind of guy you want to be for yourself, then do everything you can to be that guy.

Even if you get a boyfriend, that doesn't change anything, you go into that relationship with all of the issues you had before - if you are jealous and insecure, you will be a jealous and insecure boyfriend. Some other guy will never cure you of the issues you have. The only person who can do that is you, and perhaps you should consider that you aren't in a place to have a successful relationship just yet and need to spend some time on yourself.

No one can change you for the better but you, and the question is, are you willing to put in the effort? You can complain till the stars fall, what are you willing to do to change your situation?

The problem is that I don't really know where to start. I'm turning 28 next month and as I mentioned before, I have a very small circle of friends. There really isn't anyone at work that I can see myself becoming friends with outside of work, except maybe a person or two, but they already have their own things going on. It's easy for people to just say "go to the gym and meet someone there", but that's not how things end up for me. I've gone the gym many times and I've never met anyone.

I've been on dating apps/websites with no luck. I've joined tennis clubs with no luck. I feel as if I'm cursed and I'm just one of those people who is meant to be alone. Every once in a while you'll meet a guy who's in his 50s and has never been married, no kids, no relationships, etc - I feel like that is going to be me considering how my life has gone thus far.

It's unfortunate because I'm not socially awkward (slight social anxiety but I get comfortable after a little time goes by) and most people who know me tend to really love me. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to form any close friendships except for the few that I have and again, definitely no luck love-wise.

I'll be honest, I think about ending my life pretty much every day. I feel very alone in the world. I used to be able to deal with it and just do my own thing, but as I'm getting older it is getting harder and harder. Yes, I've been in therapy and have tried meds. I've never attempted suicide and don't plan to, but it's just something I think about regularly because I don't know what being happy feels like.

 

[ballcaphair]

We're the same age and we are not old. If therapy and meds haven't helped, which they have not for me either, I do recommend exercise. Go to mentalpod.com , ignore the podcasts and go into the forum. Social anxiety is not cured by isolating yourself. Dude, grab your psyche by the collar and give it a good shake. See yourself succeeding. Your present self awareness is not helping you at all. See yourself succeeding at all your heart desires and the rest of you will tag along.

 

[SeaCore]

What are some of your interests? We really don't know all that much about you as a person. I'm big into animation, RPGs, atheism, media analysis, casual debating, and glitches.

 

[TX-Beau]

The problem is that I don't really know where to start. I'm turning 28 next month and as I mentioned before, I have a very small circle of friends. There really isn't anyone at work that I can see myself becoming friends with outside of work, except maybe a person or two, but they already have their own things going on. It's easy for people to just say "go to the gym and meet someone there", but that's not how things end up for me. I've gone the gym many times and I've never met anyone.

I've been on dating apps/websites with no luck. I've joined tennis clubs with no luck. I feel as if I'm cursed and I'm just one of those people who is meant to be alone. Every once in a while you'll meet a guy who's in his 50s and has never been married, no kids, no relationships, etc - I feel like that is going to be me considering how my life has gone thus far.

It's unfortunate because I'm not socially awkward (slight social anxiety but I get comfortable after a little time goes by) and most people who know me tend to really love me. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to form any close friendships except for the few that I have and again, definitely no luck love-wise.

I'll be honest, I think about ending my life pretty much every day. I feel very alone in the world. I used to be able to deal with it and just do my own thing, but as I'm getting older it is getting harder and harder. Yes, I've been in therapy and have tried meds. I've never attempted suicide and don't plan to, but it's just something I think about regularly because I don't know what being happy feels like.

Here's how you start. I am a firm advocate in the efficacy of helping other people helping yourself. Go volunteer, find a Gay charity/soup kitchen/meal delivery/read to the infirm, and if you can't find a gay one just find one. Then you dedicate yourself to help, and FOLLOW THROUGH. Not only will you be doing something good for your fellow man which will make you feel more worthwhile, you will meet the kinds of people who are not trying to sponge off of you, and you will gain some perspective. It's hard to keep your self pity when you are feeding a turbaned lady with a stage four brain tumor.

If you don't want to help other people, help yourself by finding your local gay rights org and volunteering there. There are all kinds of people doing good things that need help. Stop thinking about yourself so much and go do some good in the universe, and even though that may not get you a boyfriend, it will get you the respect and gratitude of decent people, which leads to friendship, but mostly, it's just good for the soul.

You don't get self respect from someone else, you have to build it for yourself.

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't really know how to say this without sounding preachy, so here goes. The best way to find a good partner is to be self sufficient and comfortable with your own life. If you aren't happy with who you are, people pick up on that, and listen to the expert on you, YOU.

If you aren't happy, pick a GOAL. You want a new body, OK make a plan on how to get where you want to be and stick to it. You want more education, same deal. You already know the answers to all of this, the big question remains, what are you willing to do to change? If the answer is complain, prepare yourself for a life of the same.

 

[thegentleman]

I don't really know how to say this without sounding preachy, so here goes. The best way to find a good partner is to be self sufficient and comfortable with your own life. If you aren't happy with who you are, people pick up on that, and listen to the expert on you, YOU.

I think that's probably my biggest problem. I don't know how to be happy with who I am. I don't want a pity party and I'm not looking for sympathy when I say this, but I feel like I'm just a total useless loser.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think that's probably my biggest problem. I don't know how to be happy with who I am. I don't want a pity party and I'm not looking for sympathy when I say this, but I feel like I'm just a total useless loser.

I know if the past you've been in therapy for some issues but you might want to look into a therapist who uses cognitive-behavioral therapy.

If you read through your last few posts, there's a lot of self-directed negativity. After a while, these negative thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Tx-Beau points out that it takes focus and commitment to make changes to your life. Those changes are much harder if you exist in a space where you believe that you're a loser or that your life cannot change.

The pattern that many of us have been pointing out to you for a while is that you expend energy looking for something from these guys who are likely to be straight. That's both a losing cause (because they are straight) and it's a big drain on your time/energy (like running on a treadmill, it's a way to work hard and never get anywhere). Where you end up when you finally have to admit that these guys aren't going to give you kind of attention you want is not "They're straight. Of course they don't want to be with me" (which is true); where you end up is, "The reason they aren't interested in me is because there's something wrong with me" (which is not true).

You are 28 and there's no reason that you shouldn't have gay friends and guys who will date you. But as the saying goes, "Be the person that you would want to date". Having a negative self-image isn't in keeping with that goal to be that better person. That flaw in how you view yourself is at the core of many of your issues and it's the thing that you should work on; it also makes you vulnerable to those who don't always have your best interests at heart.

 

[thegentleman]

I know if the past you've been in therapy for some issues but you might want to look into a therapist who uses cognitive-behavioral therapy.

If you read through your last few posts, there's a lot of self-directed negativity. After a while, these negative thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Tx-Beau points out that it takes focus and commitment to make changes to your life. Those changes are much harder if you exist in a space where you believe that you're a loser or that your life cannot change.

The pattern that many of us have been pointing out to you for a while is that you expend energy looking for something from these guys who are likely to be straight. That's both a losing cause (because they are straight) and it's a big drain on your time/energy (like running on a treadmill, it's a way to work hard and never get anywhere). Where you end up when you finally have to admit that these guys aren't going to give you kind of attention you want is not "They're straight. Of course they don't want to be with me" (which is true); where you end up is, "The reason they aren't interested in me is because there's something wrong with me" (which is not true).

You are 28 and there's no reason that you shouldn't have gay friends and guys who will date you. But as the saying goes, "Be the person that you would want to date". Having a negative self-image isn't in keeping with that goal to be that better person. That flaw in how you view yourself is at the core of many of your issues and it's the thing that you should work on; it also makes you vulnerable to those who don't always have your best interests at heart.

I know exactly what you’re saying and I don’t disagree with any of it. I guess the difference with this guy, as opposed to my other straight friend who I had feelings for, is that there is a very likely possibility that this guy is in fact bi or gay, based on the ‘evidence’ I’ve seen. But, if he is, he is in the closet and likely not going to give me what I want anytime soon, so I do agree with what you said. I do wish we could be friends at the very least, but it is what it is. Today, he sent a snap out asking who wants to go to dinner for his birthday next week because he needs a head count. I told him I’d go if I’m invited. He told me “obviously you are, that’s why I sent it to you”. I asked where it would be and he said he’s still figuring it out - this is the type of stuff he does that makes me confused. I won’t hold my breath on being invited, but I feel like you wouldn’t ask someone who you don’t like (as a friend).

I guess I just don’t know where to make friends at this age. Like I said, I’ve tried several different outlets with no success. I’m not in school, and I don’t have any co-workers that I can really befriend outside of work. I’ve even tried the ‘friends’ option on Bumble and didn’t have luck with that.

It just really feels as if I’m cursed.

 

[TX-Beau]

I think that's probably my biggest problem. I don't know how to be happy with who I am. I don't want a pity party and I'm not looking for sympathy when I say this, but I feel like I'm just a total useless loser.

Being "happy with yourself" is a big old myth, I said be comfortable with your life. Even people who look happy aren't happy all the time. We all have ups and downs.

You have self esteem issues which is why you chase men you can't have, it's better than chasing men who are available and risking rejection.

I told you how to start, stop thinking about yourself and go do good things for other people. Use the time previously spent on fantasy, helping someone else.

 

[TX-Beau]

I know exactly what you’re saying and I don’t disagree with any of it. I guess the difference with this guy, as opposed to my other straight friend who I had feelings for, is that there is a very likely possibility that this guy is in fact bi or gay, based on the ‘evidence’ I’ve seen. But, if he is, he is in the closet and likely not going to give me what I want anytime soon, so I do agree with what you said. I do wish we could be friends at the very least, but it is what it is. Today, he sent a snap out asking who wants to go to dinner for his birthday next week because he needs a head count. I told him I’d go if I’m invited. He told me “obviously you are, that’s why I sent it to you”. I asked where it would be and he said he’s still figuring it out - this is the type of stuff he does that makes me confused. I won’t hold my breath on being invited, but I feel like you wouldn’t ask someone who you don’t like (as a friend).

I guess I just don’t know where to make friends at this age. Like I said, I’ve tried several different outlets with no success. I’m not in school, and I don’t have any co-workers that I can really befriend outside of work. I’ve even tried the ‘friends’ option on Bumble and didn’t have luck with that.

It just really feels as if I’m cursed.

Stop it. This guy is a non-starter at every level and you damn well know it. If you are truly that helpless I don't know if anyone can save you. You want to find friends, get a better life - that starts by getting off the couch and putting yourself out there. You've gotten several suggestions, why don't you go try a few and then come back and give us an update, 'cause while most of the guys in here are too circumspect to say so, posting the same story with the same angsty, self inflicted torture over and over makes us wonder why we bother.

No one in here can pick you up and change you, you have to do that.

 

[thegentleman]

For those of you who care, this ended (though not completely yet) kind of badly...

Back in June, this guy told me that his bank accounts were garnished by the courts because his ex-girlfriend was suing him or some shit. A few weeks later he texted me late at night and asked if he could use my credit card for something and give me the cash. I immediately had an uneasy feeling about it but didn't know how to say no. I asked him what it was for and how much, and he told me it was for his car insurance and it was $175. He said they closed every day at 4 and he had no time to get there. I lied and said my card was maxed out and I really couldn't help him and that I was sorry. He told me it was no problem and asked why I was sorry, so I said that I felt bad and he told me not to.

Maybe a little over a week later we were supposed to work out. He texted me earlier in the day and said "I'm gonna need to use your card later for like $60" (I assumed he meant he'd give me the cash like he said the first time). He told me it was for an Edible Arrangement for his (female) friend who just passed her fitness certification or some shit. He said I could order it with him when I was there. I felt like there was no way out of this one so I said ok. When we went to work out later, he was supposedly texting this girl and they got into some weird type of argument via text. As we were leaving the gym, I asked him "so do you want to order that thing for her or no?" and he told me he'd let me know, because now things were awkward towards them (I feel like I already knew where this was going)...anyway, we chatted a bit and he went on to tell me how he's been depressed and how he's made a lot of mistakes in his life. I told him everyone does, and he said "I know, but I keep making the same mistakes over and over". As we were talking, he went on tell me how he considered me more a friend now and that I'm like family to him (rather than a client).

Anyway, the next morning he texts me saying that he wanted to buy the edible arrangement for her and asked for my credit card. I REALLY didn't want to give it to him, but I felt like my back was against the wall and I knew I had fraud protection on my card anyway in case he did something shady. I texted him my card number and he ordered the thing for like $87.

A couple weeks later I was away with my friends on a vacation. I left my cell phone in the room and was down at the pool. I come back to the hotel room and I have texts from him (on Snapchat) and a notification that says he took a screenshot of the chat. He asked me if I was awake, I said yes and asked what was wrong. He said "nothing". I asked him "why did you take a screenshot of our chat" and he told me it was a mistake. I got the gut feeling that he had taken a screenshot of my credit card and used it for something. Sure enough, I go to my bank's mobile app on my phone and there is a charge for like $35 at some restaurant and I saw him on Instagram that he was out to eat, looked like with some girl. My friend called the restaurant and asked if there was a kid there who gave them a credit card number on his phone and the guy said yes. My friend told her to go ID him, and it was in fact this guy.

I said to him "did you just use my credit card?" and his response was "yeah, haha I forgot mine". He started blowing up my phone "You're gonna kill me", "do you hate me", "What's your Venmo, I'll send you the money now". I was speechless, though not surprised. He tried calling me and I didn't answer. He told me the restaurant was going to call the cops and asked me if I could tell them I authorized him to use it, and I still didn't reply. Eventually I wrote back and said "you just told me you took a screenshot by mistake, so you lied. And I'm not replying because I honestly don't know what to say to you" and he was like "I said I'm sorry and I'll Venmo you now. Why is that bad? I wouldn't care if you did that lol".

Anyway, I called the restaurant to find out what happened and the guy told me that the girl he was with paid the tab and they left. The cops were not called, because apparently this guy asked my friend who called for me if he should call the cops and my friend told him no. I texted him after and told him how sick to my stomach I was. I was really hurt by this, but I had a feeling this would happen. I of course put a lock on my credit card, the restaurant refunded me, and when I got home from my trip I cancelled my card and got a new one.

The sad part is that I actually still felt bad for this guy. He fucked me over and I felt the need to make amends with him. We texted the next day and kind of sorted it out, but we haven't seen each other since (this was back in July). We still snapchat and text each other, and send each other memes through Instagram, but have not seen each other in person. I do go to therapy, and my therapist told me that he is a sociopath, which seems to be accurate.

I'm still really hurt over this and trying to move on, but I STILL can't because I have nothing else going on in my life, despite my attempts to do so. Maybe this guy was warning me about himself when he was telling me how he's made the same mistakes over and over, and in the past he's told me that he considers himself a piece of shit. I guess I should have listened. Unfortunately, part of me still wants to see him again, but I don't know if it'll actually happen. It's probably better off that I don't though...

 

[KaraBulut]

...My friend called the restaurant and asked if there was a kid there who gave them a credit card number on his phone and the guy said yes. My friend told her to go ID him, and it was in fact this guy...

^This friend is your real friend. They have your back.

The next time you're in a situation where you are wondering who your real friends are, ask yourself, "Would this person be the person who calls the restaurant or the person that steals your credit card and uses it on a date?".

 

[SeaCore]

I think it'd help is this were made apparent.

If you decide to keep this guy in your life, you're exchanging security for excitement. And when I say security I don't necessarily mean financial security, though that's part of it. This is someone who could easily end up putting you into situations that endanger you. Endanger your emotional health, your finances, and possibly your physical safety. This person probably has some enemies and you could get caught up with those enemies; and they'd likely be willing to sacrifice you if needed.

Maybe the excitement is worth it to you. Just know this is the gamble you're willing to incur if you decide this is how you want to get your excitement.

Personally, I think there are better ways of getting excitement into your life than playing Russian roulette with an element of drama to break your normal.

 

[Ganoderma]

(...) I do go to therapy, and my therapist told me that he is a sociopath, which seems to be accurate. (...)

^^^^ This is the case.

 

[thegentleman]

The shitty part is that I am just so attracted to him physically that it clouds my judgment. I'm not an idiot and if any other person had done this to me, I would've told them to fuck off and would've never spoken to them again. But because he's one of the biggest crushes I've ever had, and especially ever since I found out he might actually be gay (which gives me false hope) it's like I give him free passes. He is literally perfect physically. He looks like a Greek God. *sigh*

I wish I could find more attraction in people's characters than their physical appearances, but I guess I am just shallow. I don't mean to be, but it's just the way I am. I find it hard to be turned on by someone unless there is something about them that I physically find attractive.

 

[SeaCore]

He looks like a Greek God.

It's actually a bit funny that you describe 'em that way. Because the Greek gods were, by and large, terrible people xD
Very fitting. You should hold onto that as a joke. 'I met a Greek god, they were super pretty but royally messed up.'

 

[thegentleman]

It's actually a bit funny that you describe 'em that way. Because the Greek gods were, by and large, terrible people xD
Very fitting. You should hold onto that as a joke. 'I met a Greek god, they were super pretty but royally messed up.'

Yeah, and he actually is Greek lol.

This whole thing just raises a whole bunch of other questions for me though. This guy matched with 2 of my female friends on Bumble about a year ago. I know he has a Tinder too (looking for girls). Always following hot girls/models on Instagram and liking their pics. He even sent me a Snapchat one night of a naked girl walking out of his bedroom (her back was turned and I saw her ass, but she had a shirt on). I mean I guess he could be bi, but it’s just bizarre...