Found my "straight" crush on Grindr...

[Ambition92]

It honestly sounds like he was just playing you. He's clearly into girls. I think he's willing to be "flexible" with his intentions if it means he can pull one over on someone who's attracted to him. I know how hard it can be to blinded by your attraction to someone that it clouds your judgement, but please look at every red flag from your experiences here and don't give into this guy again. He's bad news and has already done wrong by you a few times to varying degrees. Just keep looking for somebody else. It's not worth the risk of your well being just because you're physically attracted to them.

 

[thegentleman]

It honestly sounds like he was just playing you. He's clearly into girls. I think he's willing to be "flexible" with his intentions if it means he can pull one over on someone who's attracted to him. I know how hard it can be to blinded by your attraction to someone that it clouds your judgement, but please look at every red flag from your experiences here and don't give into this guy again. He's bad news and has already done wrong by you a few times to varying degrees. Just keep looking for somebody else. It's not worth the risk of your well being just because you're physically attracted to them.

I know he’s probably into girls, but then why was he on Grindr asking to see guys’ dick pics? That’s the think that I keep wondering, but I honestly don’t know why I care at this point or why I’m still thinking about it.

If I ever do see him again, I would obviously never trust him again when it comes to money or anything like that and will have my guard up 10 times more. I didn’t trust him with that to begin with, but I didn’t really have an excuse to tell him no, so I felt obligated. If he were to ever ask me again in the future, I can now say, “listen man, I’d love to help you, but after what happened last time I just don’t want any problems.”

He texted me the other day just to see how I was doing. I think he just has a problem and can’t help himself, though it’s not an excuse.

 

[USEDCAR]

I am sure the reason hes on Grindr hes looking for guys like you he can sponge off. You do know most straight guys turn to gay for pay when they are in a rut.

You need to completely 100 percent cut ties with him hes no good and hes using you. I hope you cancel the credit card eventually the amount of money is going to get bigger and bigger. You don't ever ever give anyone your credit card info your lucky he only took out $30. You are playing with fire with this guy and you keep falling for him your going to end up hurt or in a situation where your going to be stuck. It's hard cutting ties with someone but at the end of the day your mental health will be a lot better.

 

[SeaCore]

I never got the sense that you trusted this guy to begin with. They were flakey and you believed they were hiding their sexuality. You also didn't trust them with your credit card the first time. So if you didn't particularly trust them before, how does not trusting them protect you now?
You said it before. You couldn't get yourself to say 'no'. How do you know that won't still be a problem and land you in the same place?

 

[KaraBulut]

I know he’s probably into girls, but then why was he on Grindr asking to see guys’ dick pics? That’s the think that I keep wondering, but I honestly don’t know why I care at this point or why I’m still thinking about it.

Perhaps to lead them on so that he can take advantage of them when he needs to borrow money to pay for dates with girls? That doesn't absolve the guys who fall for it but that is the kind of stuff that sociopaths do.

 

[thegentleman]

I never got the sense that you trusted this guy to begin with. They were flakey and you believed they were hiding their sexuality. You also didn't trust them with your credit card the first time. So if you didn't particularly trust them before, how does not trusting them protect you now?
You said it before. You couldn't get yourself to say 'no'. How do you know that won't still be a problem and land you in the same place?

I felt like I couldn’t say no because it was only $60 that he was asking to use my card for, and it’s hard to make someone believe that I don’t have $60 of available credit. I also think that I sort of wanted to test him to see if I could trust him and I got my answer. I was just saying that if we were to continue working out or even hanging out with him at some point, I at least have a reason now to tell him no.

I’m probably better off forgetting about him all together, since he really hasn’t made an effort to work out with me or see me since this incident.

I invited him out to my birthday last month and he even texted me “running late babe” and as time went on I asked where he was and he said “I’m coming baby don’t worry”. He of course never showed up. He’s asked to make other plans but they never happened.

It’s just hard to forget about him when he will pop in to text me and ask how I’m doing, or DM me a funny meme on Instagram, etc. It makes me think “oh, he must still be thinking of me to some degree” and then it gives me false hope that maybe part of him does actually like me (as a friend at least) and regrets what he did.

 

[KaraBulut]

I felt like I couldn’t say no because it was only $60 that he was asking to use my card for, and it’s hard to make someone believe that I don’t have $60 of available credit.

A general suggestion for those who fall into codependent patterns when people pressure them to do things: say "No". Nothing more, just "No". You don't owe anyone any explanations and people who have your best interest in mind don't pressure you.

It’s just hard to forget about him when he will pop in to text me and ask how I’m doing, or DM me a funny meme on Instagram, etc. It makes me think “oh, he must still be thinking of me to some degree” and then it gives me false hope that maybe part of him does actually like me (as a friend at least) and regrets what he did.

Does your phone have a call block feature?

 

[mcbrion]

THis is kiddie stuff, like what 11-year olds do. ("I'm not gonna go first: You go first.")
How old are you guys anyway? This is immature. When you withdraw, he reels you back in with a provocative picture and you actually consider this "significant."
Trix are for kids. Are you a kid? When are you going to be a man and own up to what you like and want. People get far better results when they not fear-driven, and both you and he are fear-driven. Areyou in some dangerous part of the country, or small town where it's be a disaster for you to be real with each other?
As they used to say, shit or get off the pot.

 

[KaraBulut]

...As they used to say, shit or get off the pot.

I generally don't give advice on the advice because the point of the forum is to get different viewpoints from different people.

I will comment on this, because it's only fair since there's been a lot of tough love in this thread: LIguy11 has been clear on what he likes and wants over a series of threads going back 4-5 years. He's openly gay and he's out.

Where things were left with this thread back in September was that this guy was manipulating him with a very one-sided friendship that was increasingly centered around getting money out of LIguy11. Most of us have encountered that kind of person- the fair-weather friend who is always around when they need something. What made this one cross the line was the credit card fraud.

So, "there's no shit or get off the pot" anymore. This is more of a "should I turn him into the cops?" type of situation. This guy might have tried to come across as a friend; the reality was, he's a user. It takes self-confidence to say "no" to users and to get them out of your life.

There's still some larger issues and LIguy11 deserves better. The real question is whether he knows or believes that he deserves better?

 

[mcbrion]

When someone treats you badly - or just "plays" you, it should be obvious that the wisest decision is to remove yourself from the person's life. When you do not do this, you are signaling that you are willing to submit to being treated poorly. Which comes down to low self-esteem. When this goes on for "ages" (months, years), what is clear is that one prefers poor treatment to good treatment.

And lets be clear: there are many people, male and female, who will choose the "bad boy" over the "nice guy" because the "nice guy" shows them a side of Life to which they are unaccustomed. And very frequently, that they fear, because, who knows where that will lead. women, in particular, used to stay with husbands who abused them (emotionally or physically), because 50 years ago, they did not have the options they have now.

Sometimes people stick with being treated badly because it is all they have ever known. It's their "comfort zone." And people are more comfortable with what they know (being treated as unworthy) than what they do not ( being treated well). It reminds me of a cartoon I saw 20 years ago in San Francisco, where the patient is talking to his therapist about all his problems with men, which he has outlined to the therapist over a period of months/years. He then describes a guy he has met and is now dating. He describes the guy as warm, sexy, generous, kind, caring, compassionate etc. The therapist then asks, "So, what's the problem?"

The response from the patient is: "I don't know how to deal with that." If you want a better future, put behind you those who would keep you trapped in an unhealthy past. It is still his (LIguy11) choice to do that. He has not made that choice. That is what I meant by "shit or get off the pot." No matter how you view it, you don't stay with those who don't value you.

So, he still has a decision to make, but he is still waffling, unless I missed something. Get. Out. He goes to the police after he removes himself from possible harm, physical OR emotional.

 

[thegentleman]

I was going to just let this thread die since I know I was getting repetitive and a lot of you seemed to be getting frustrated with me. But since it's been bumped, there have been some new "developments" and I'm really FINALLY starting to let go of this guy.

A few days after my last post in this thread, he reached out to me and asked "do you still want to train?". Of course, I was still thinking about him at that time, so I said yes. We saw each other and worked out for the first time in over 2 months (this was back in September). After our training session, I actually said to him "do you mind if I don't pay you today and we can call it even with the money you owe me for that edible arrangement thing". Even though he technically would have owed me 2 free sessions, I was willing to call it even. He said "yeah, no problem, you know I don't care if you don't even pay me" (which is odd, because I've never not paid him).

Anyway, as we were leaving his apartment complex, he cracked a joke about the whole credit card thing I guess as a way of bringing it up and addressing it without making it awkward. He told me he had a long drive to go on, and then said something like "well I know I can't use your credit card" and gave me this look, so I snarked back "yeah, I know not to pay you via credit anymore". He then tried to explain himself - he said he was out on a date with a girl and his cards were getting declined. He said snap texted me to see if I was awake, and I wasn't answering, which I normally do pretty quickly, so he used my card number that I had texted him and told himself "this kid is gonna kill me". But then went on to say that at least he got laid and had good sex, the girl was hot, etc. I told him "you should've just asked me" and he said "I TRIED but you weren't answering". I said "then why didn't you tell me you used my card when I asked you why you took a screenshot of our chat?" and he told me he was out with the girl and he didn't want to get into it. Whatever. We were were standing outside of his apartment building and he told me he was driving out toward the city because he's been "shacking up" with some girl and is "sort of bouncing around". He basically was embarrassed to admit that he had been kicked out of his apartment, even though we had just worked out in the gym in that building.

That was that, and we continued to work out a bunch of more times in September and October. During one session, one of his friends was at the gym and he ended up telling his friend about the whole story with my credit card. The friend said to me "man, you trusted this guy with your credit card? I wouldn't trust him with mine, he'd probably spend $15,000 at the strip club" or something like that.

One day in October we had worked out together, and he mentioned that he was going to a wedding and would be getting drunk. I offered to give him a ride and told him he could leave his car at my house, and if he needed, I could pick him up too. That happened, and he ended up crashing at my house on an air mattress next to my bed. He's slept over about 4 times total, the last time being in early-mid November. We actually went to the movies together a few times and even bowling once (we split the costs of movie tickets/food/drinks etc), and he slept over each time with the exception of one. I was basically coming to the realization that he has been living in his car. It made me feel even more sorry for him. Even though I was starting to realize that he only wanted to see a movie or hang out with me when he needed somewhere to crash, I still felt bad. One night when I was giving him a ride, he said "your next training session is on me, you've been helping me out a lot." I told him he didn't have to do that, and he told me he wanted to, and he did end up following through on that promise which was surprising to me. That was the first time I really saw him follow through on something in an effort to show appreciation.

There was one event we were supposed to go to together, I had lied and told him I got free tickets when I really bought them because I felt bad he had no money. Of course he ended up ditching me with his usual flakiness. He texted me "I'm sorry" and when I didn't reply, he texted me again later saying "at least you don't live in a car". Guess he was trying to make me feel sorry. (this happened a couple of weeks before the last time we saw each other)

Anyway, we still sort of keep in touch via Snapchat and texting. He called me a few weeks ago to ask me a question and texted me the other night saying hello but then didn't answer. I see him on social media with a new group of kids he's hanging out with, and apparently it looks like their family has money so maybe he's leeching off of them somehow. Like I said, I haven't seen him in almost 2 months (again), so I feel pretty used yet somehow still feel bad for him. I guess he does what he has to do to get by.

One of my best friend has extended family (a cousin I think) who actually knows this kid and his family who own(ed) the deli he worked at or was partners in, or whatever the hell the situation was. My friend saw them over the Christmas holiday and was telling them everything that went on between me and this kid. They said he's been to rehab 3 times, but apparently his Dad was a prick and really abusive to him, which is why he is fucked up. His younger sister is apparently a junkie too, but she doesn't talk to him and neither does his older sister. I do see him with his older brother occasionally on social media though, along with his aunt and uncle, so I guess the entire family didn't completely disown him. They also said that they always had a feeling he was gay. When his friend who was his partner at the deli caught him stealing, apparently this guy cried and begged to let him stay. The partner ended up buying this kid out, and they ended their friendship. My friend's cousin said that both of them were crying as if they had been in some type of relationship with each other that was more than just friends...

Anyway, I'm leaving it as is now. I tried reaching out to him the other day because I'm bored. But I'm really not as obsessed as I was prior. I guess I'm getting tired and finally seeing the light. I'm going to make it my New Year resolution to stop reaching out to him first, and maybe just not talking to him all together.

 

[thegentleman]

I generally don't give advice on the advice because the point of the forum is to get different viewpoints from different people.

I will comment on this, because it's only fair since there's been a lot of tough love in this thread: LIguy11 has been clear on what he likes and wants over a series of threads going back 4-5 years. He's openly gay and he's out.

Where things were left with this thread back in September was that this guy was manipulating him with a very one-sided friendship that was increasingly centered around getting money out of LIguy11. Most of us have encountered that kind of person- the fair-weather friend who is always around when they need something. What made this one cross the line was the credit card fraud.

So, "there's no shit or get off the pot" anymore. This is more of a "should I turn him into the cops?" type of situation. This guy might have tried to come across as a friend; the reality was, he's a user. It takes self-confidence to say "no" to users and to get them out of your life.

There's still some larger issues and LIguy11 deserves better. The real question is whether he knows or believes that he deserves better?

Sorry to double post, but I wanted to reply to this.

Yes, you’re correct that I am out for the most part. And yes, I do think I deserve better, I just seem to have a hard time meeting people. A lot of the reason I still entertain this guy is boredom. I don’t have a huge social circle of gay friends, so I don’t get out to meet other gay guys much. And don’t get me started with Grindr and other dating/hookup apps.

Unfortunately, I’m 28 years old and have had 2 sexual encounters in my entire life, as embarrassing as that is to admit.. I’m very picky and I guess I just always want what I can’t have.

 

[MoDo88]

I think your loneliness and boredom is clogging your better judgement here. As difficult as it may be, what you need to keep remembering is... he's using you. Just from reading what you've been posting, it is so insanely obvious that he's maintaining you purely because he wants to keep you as an asset/lifeline. It's not because he genuinely cares about your relationship - it's because he doesn't want to lose you as a safety net. He's in survival mode, and people can turn manipulative AF when their backs are up against the wall.

Try not talking to him for an extended period of time - like, two weeks or something - and see how you do. And every time you do want to text him, go jerk off instead (I mean that completely seriously - men statistically think more clearly after they've ejaculated). Really commit to this. And if he texts you, just ignore him. No more working out together. No more helping him out. Just cut it all out.

Also - you're totally right that he tried to play the victim game with the whole "at least you're not living in your car" bit. You should honestly be pretty offended by that - how dare he try and hold that over your head in an attempt to guilt you into continuing to treat him in a way that he hasn't earned/deserved? Fuck that.

And lastly - everyone wants what they can't have (mostly everyone). But again, you can't let that be be the captain of your mind ship. You need to take the reins here and start making better decisions for yourself. Stop listening to the critic in your head, and start listening to your honest voice.