onetimething
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I wasn't sure whether to put this under Health and Well Being or Comng Out, so a mod can feel free to move this.
I met up with a guy off of Craig's List around two years ago and we hooked up several times. We would chat online and stayed in touch after I left the area. Over the past two years, we've become somewhat closer just through long online chats. We have a lot in common and I think for both of us, we are each other's sole consistent gay confidante in that we are both closeted (I'm bi, he is gay).
My friend is from India. He has been in the US now for around seven years, having come over for college and is currently pursuing his MBA while working full-time. He is of the age where his family back home in India have been putting pressure on him to get married. He tried to stall them, saying that he didn't have the money to return to India for a wedding or introduction, that he couldn't take the time off of work, that he'd get married when he finished his degree, that he just didn't want to get married, etc.; basically anything he could throw at them to buy him some time. They have really upped the ante over the past year and basically told him that they will find him a woman and he WILL get married by the end of the year. He had been terrified of coming out because he honestly feared violence from his family. I guess his mother had caught him when he was a young kid (around 12) in a compromising position with a male neighbor and tried to commit suicide. He didn't view coming out as an option as he was afraid of something similar happening, or of them harming him. So he would run through all these crapshoot ideas, such as even finding an Indian lesbian to marry for a marriage of convenience, but in the end, willed up the strength to come out to them on his most recent visit home.
He came out to them and the reaction was not good, but I suppose wasn't as horrific as it could have been, as it was not met with violence. However, the parents are convinced that he is ill and while he was in India, took him to multiple doctors and have forced him to undergo "negative reinforcement" training which is a fancy word for electro-shock therapy. To my horror, there are actual doctors here in the US who still perform this in an effort to "cure" homosexuality. My friend felt he had no choice but to agree. While he was over in India, before coming out, his parents brought over eight separate girls as potential brides. After coming out, his mother lost 20 lbs in two weeks from not eating out of sadness. His brother threatened his life telling him that if he did anything to make their mother ill, he will personally kill him. He took this as a legitimate threat.
My friend came back to this country wishing he had never come out. He was more depressed than ever before. Basically, they're convinced that this is just a sickness and told him that he has one year to "get better" or he will lose his family forever. My friend is a smart man and knows his homosexuality cannot be cured, but feels trapped by his family. He talks to them several times a day and they are forever questioning about his treatment and about a new bride and such. Basically, he feels stuck. He feels that losing his family is simply not an option, but by the same token, he can't see possibly marrying a woman and living a lie, especially as that just postpones the problem in that once he gets married, the parents pressure him to have children.
Since I am American, not Indian, when he tells me of the latest events, I find myself just baffled and not really understanding the situation. To me, someone who is not close with my family, I say "screw 'em" and can't understand how he could be so close to people who treat him the way his family does, the people who bring him so much pain and shame just for being who he is and do not understand why they claim to be concerned for his happiness in wanting him to get married, but clearly are not. I feel like they're in India and he is here for the indefinite future. He does not HAVE to answer to them. He is a grown man with a degree, his own place, a good job, his own money, etc. I don't see what bargaining chips they have over him. I do not understand why his family's desire for him to get married causes such consternation because from my American way of thinking, I say "just tell them 'no' and go on and live your life here" and expect that to be the end of it, but he always responds with "you don't understand, you're not Indian" and there's really nothing I can say to that.
Talks of suicide have been creeping into our conversations with much greater frequency than ever before, especially in the past week. He just feels hopeless. His family shows no reason whatsoever. This electro-shock therapy of course is dangerous, and not just that, but expensive. They don't care that he/they can't afford it. They want him to move to Portland where there are cousins who they feel will look after him (i.e. watch him like a hawk and won't let him do anything gay), paying no mind or care to his job or school or the economy. I try to hold my tongue as much as possible in criticizing them when talking to him, but honestly, they just sound horrible. I'm starting to get very scared for my friend's well-being, but really just don't know what to say to him anymore. He is somewhat alone down in Virginia where he lives. There are no family, he has few close friends, no boyfriend, etc. I really feel it would benefit him if he could somehow at least meet other gay Indians in the area who could perhaps understand and empathize more with his situation and offer better advice. It's to the point though where I'm just getting really worried, where for example now after having not heard from him in a couple of days, I found myself going to the local newspaper website to see if there were any stories about a body being found.
I know this was a long read, but is there anyone out there with any advice on this scenario?
I met up with a guy off of Craig's List around two years ago and we hooked up several times. We would chat online and stayed in touch after I left the area. Over the past two years, we've become somewhat closer just through long online chats. We have a lot in common and I think for both of us, we are each other's sole consistent gay confidante in that we are both closeted (I'm bi, he is gay).
My friend is from India. He has been in the US now for around seven years, having come over for college and is currently pursuing his MBA while working full-time. He is of the age where his family back home in India have been putting pressure on him to get married. He tried to stall them, saying that he didn't have the money to return to India for a wedding or introduction, that he couldn't take the time off of work, that he'd get married when he finished his degree, that he just didn't want to get married, etc.; basically anything he could throw at them to buy him some time. They have really upped the ante over the past year and basically told him that they will find him a woman and he WILL get married by the end of the year. He had been terrified of coming out because he honestly feared violence from his family. I guess his mother had caught him when he was a young kid (around 12) in a compromising position with a male neighbor and tried to commit suicide. He didn't view coming out as an option as he was afraid of something similar happening, or of them harming him. So he would run through all these crapshoot ideas, such as even finding an Indian lesbian to marry for a marriage of convenience, but in the end, willed up the strength to come out to them on his most recent visit home.
He came out to them and the reaction was not good, but I suppose wasn't as horrific as it could have been, as it was not met with violence. However, the parents are convinced that he is ill and while he was in India, took him to multiple doctors and have forced him to undergo "negative reinforcement" training which is a fancy word for electro-shock therapy. To my horror, there are actual doctors here in the US who still perform this in an effort to "cure" homosexuality. My friend felt he had no choice but to agree. While he was over in India, before coming out, his parents brought over eight separate girls as potential brides. After coming out, his mother lost 20 lbs in two weeks from not eating out of sadness. His brother threatened his life telling him that if he did anything to make their mother ill, he will personally kill him. He took this as a legitimate threat.
My friend came back to this country wishing he had never come out. He was more depressed than ever before. Basically, they're convinced that this is just a sickness and told him that he has one year to "get better" or he will lose his family forever. My friend is a smart man and knows his homosexuality cannot be cured, but feels trapped by his family. He talks to them several times a day and they are forever questioning about his treatment and about a new bride and such. Basically, he feels stuck. He feels that losing his family is simply not an option, but by the same token, he can't see possibly marrying a woman and living a lie, especially as that just postpones the problem in that once he gets married, the parents pressure him to have children.
Since I am American, not Indian, when he tells me of the latest events, I find myself just baffled and not really understanding the situation. To me, someone who is not close with my family, I say "screw 'em" and can't understand how he could be so close to people who treat him the way his family does, the people who bring him so much pain and shame just for being who he is and do not understand why they claim to be concerned for his happiness in wanting him to get married, but clearly are not. I feel like they're in India and he is here for the indefinite future. He does not HAVE to answer to them. He is a grown man with a degree, his own place, a good job, his own money, etc. I don't see what bargaining chips they have over him. I do not understand why his family's desire for him to get married causes such consternation because from my American way of thinking, I say "just tell them 'no' and go on and live your life here" and expect that to be the end of it, but he always responds with "you don't understand, you're not Indian" and there's really nothing I can say to that.
Talks of suicide have been creeping into our conversations with much greater frequency than ever before, especially in the past week. He just feels hopeless. His family shows no reason whatsoever. This electro-shock therapy of course is dangerous, and not just that, but expensive. They don't care that he/they can't afford it. They want him to move to Portland where there are cousins who they feel will look after him (i.e. watch him like a hawk and won't let him do anything gay), paying no mind or care to his job or school or the economy. I try to hold my tongue as much as possible in criticizing them when talking to him, but honestly, they just sound horrible. I'm starting to get very scared for my friend's well-being, but really just don't know what to say to him anymore. He is somewhat alone down in Virginia where he lives. There are no family, he has few close friends, no boyfriend, etc. I really feel it would benefit him if he could somehow at least meet other gay Indians in the area who could perhaps understand and empathize more with his situation and offer better advice. It's to the point though where I'm just getting really worried, where for example now after having not heard from him in a couple of days, I found myself going to the local newspaper website to see if there were any stories about a body being found.
I know this was a long read, but is there anyone out there with any advice on this scenario?
