"Get out of that swimming pool with your dick down, we have a felony warrant for your arrest!"
"Huh? WTF did I do, officers??"
"The Sheriff's Department has hidden camera footage of you engaging in a gay sex act during your recent stay at the county jail."
"Butt all I did was let my cellmate feel of my junk, and that was only because he said he was a TSA agent and wanted to show me how he gropes men in a professional manner. And he was so cute, how could I possibly have said no to him?"
"Sir, you obviously knew he wasn't on duty at the time, and allowing yourself to be groped outside the confines of the airport constitutes a sex act."
"Butt I was in jail for just a traffic ticket I forgot to pay, and a felony conviction for a sex crime will cost me my teaching certificate! As well, hiring a criminal defense attorney will cost me my life savings, and I'll lose my house when I go to prison!"
"Sir, those are things you should have thought about before choosing to be gay in a state that's controlled by homophobic legislators who pass anti-gay laws designed to imprison gay men for their deviant sex practices."
"Butt I didn't choose to be gay, I just got lucky! And why was I put in a cellblock with nothing butt homosexuals...isn't that entrapment? After all, there's no way you'd put hot young women in cells with heterosexual men, which means you're targeting gay sex exclusively!"
"Sir, when the Supreme Court ruled the sodomy laws in Texas were unconstitutional in 2003, did you seriously think the anti-gay lawmakers in this state wouldn't do an end run around that ruling, and find another way to criminalize gay sex? When you get out of prison, maybe you'll think twice before ignoring a discriminatory sign in the great state of Texas that indicates gay sex isn't allowed."
