GL - Archived Blog Posts

[GL]

Wait a minute man
You mispronounced my name
You didn't wait for all the information
Before you turned me away
Wait a minute sir
You kind of hurt my feelings
You see me as a sweet back-loaded puppet
And you've got meal ticket taste

I see right through you
I know right through you
I feel right through you
I walk right through you

You took me for a joke
You took me for a child
You took a long hard look at my ass
And then played golf for a while
Your shake is like a fish
You pat me on the head
You took me out to wine dine 69 me
But didn't hear a damn word I said

Hello Mr. Man
You didn't think I'd come back
You didn't think I'd show up with my army
And this ammunition on my back
Now that I'm Miss Thing
Now that I'm a zillionaire
You scan the credits for your name
And wonder why it's not there

Fuckers.

 

[GL]

Have you seen “An Inconvenient Truth?”

Why not?

What are you waiting for?

 

[GL]

Awesome!

Automobile Magazine named the 2007 Volkswagen GTI their Automobile of the Year.

The more and more I look at this car the more and more I want one! I’ve already picked it out, United Gray with the Premium Anthracite Cloth, which is the one with the gorgeous tartan inlays. Yeah, I know… what about leather? It’s not a deal breaker with me. And I will get the DSG & Tiptronic transmission! Oh yes...

Hopefully this year, so we’ll see.

 

[GL]

Earlier this morning my neighbor (whom I must admit I’ve been lusting for since he and his family moved in) knocked on my door and asked me if we had heard anything overnight.

We had not.

He was visibly upset and points down towards our parking lot and tells me that his car has been stolen. The only thing left behind was the broken glass of his window. I could see that he was close to tears, the poor guy.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time someone’s car has been stolen or broken into. My brother, who is my roommate, had his car broken into last year and had his stereo stolen. Other residents have been victimized as well. I worry because I don’t want the same fate to befall my car.

I guess we should start looking for someplace else. Someplace with a little more security than this complex offers.

 

[GL]

When it hurts to be out there
where no one will care
I’ve got the solace of you

Frustrated by the people lying
But I keep on trying
I’ve got the solace of you

When I can’t think straight
And there’s no escape
I’ve got the solace of you

Gotta go inside back where we started
back to the beginning
‘Cause that’s where my heart is

They can hurt me jail my body
I’ll still be free
I’ve got the solace of you

They can take my land
tell me I’m not who I am
I’ve got the solace of you

A wise man said to know thyself
‘Cause in the end there’s no one else
Just the solace of you

The Solace of You / Living Colour

 

[GL]

“Cue The Romance,” it says.

What a load of crap. It’s not even February and Yahoo already has Valentine’s Day shit on the front page! I absolutely hate this fucking holiday.

Nothing like an arbitrary, artificial holiday dreamed up by the damned Christmas card companies to remind me of how alone I am on this stupid rock. God I hate Valentine’s Day.

Is it wrong for me to hope for a cholera epidemic on 02/14?

Addendum: For those who wanted Scarlet Fever, just be glad I didn't wish for an Ebola outbreak.

 

[GL]

I went to my first gay bar this past weekend with my friend Preston and it was fun. Scratch that. It was a whole lot of fun.

But before that, we did have a nice dinner at 219 West. It's a nice place! Sort of on the trendy side, but I liked it.

When we got there it was still sort of early in the evening. The bar looked empty and in fact, it was very quiet. I looked around and admired the setting for what it was but at the same time I thought maybe we had picked a dud. It seemed like we were the only ones there but after a while though, people started to come in.

We ended up sitting towards the back of the bar and had ourselves a good look at the area. There was a very handsome bar tender there who had a great backside I have to admit and all though he was pretty efficient and did give me a couple of drinks for free (thanks again by the way), he struck me as a little put off with us most of the time. Maybe its because we kept looking at him like a piece of meat. A very good-looking blond piece of meat. Oh well.

And of course there was Chad!

Good grief. What a hottie. Chad was the guy walking around with a feathered headdress on his head and a cute sarong wrapped around his waist (it was Carnival Night) and selling shots in test tubes. He had a smooth, toned body, six pack abs and a smile that lit up the room! Noting more, nothing less… When he came over to our little neck of the bar I couldn’t help but openly admire his form. Of course I had already had a number of rum and diet cokes so my higher functions were most definitely impaired. When he came back for a second round he stayed and chatted with us for a bit. He didn’t mind my hand on his firm abdomen either! My goodness! I forgot how nice it is to feel a man’s abs underneath my hand again. And when we asked him what he was wearing underneath his sarong, he lifted it up and showed us his black bikini briefs! Ahh... what a sight.

At one point, Preston went to the men’s room and I sat there at the bar by myself and I just looked around. I was so amazed to be sitting in this dark, smoky and very loud room and just know that I was amongst gay men. There were handsome men dancing around with their shirts off. There were the couples that were enjoying the evening and shared their affections for one another openly. There were the two twinks dancing in their underwear. Again, what a sight!

I was surprised with myself in that I had managed to get there in the first place. I was looking at other men and openly admiring them, and by that I mean that I could look at them and not worry about what anyone thought. In my way of thinking I felt like I had come a long way. At that point I was reminded of something Preston told me earlier that evening. That I had some catching up to do. And he's right.


I had been living my life in the shadows for so long that I sort of missed out on a lot of fun things like hitting a gay bar. There are other aspects of life I need to catch up on I’m sure, but at least I have this experience under my belt and I hope that I’ll get out again before too long.

Anyhow, my moment of introspection came to screeching halt on my way to the men’s room. Somebody grabbed my ass! Imagine that.

 

[GL]

sometimes you walk by the good ones
'cos you're trying to hard, too hard to see them
and sometimes you don't find the right lines
'cos you're trying too hard, too hard to hear them
but you know what it feels like
'cos you're like me
and you won't give up
'till an all time love
'cos nothing else is good enough
i want an all time love to find me

some days you're too set in your ways
and you forget to shut up, shut up and listen
and some days you just have to misplace all your mistakes
somewhere that you won't miss them
so stop lying that you're fine
'cos you're like me
and you can't give up

'till an all time love
'cos nothing else is good enough
i want an all time love to find me

i don't believe that it's a failing
i don't believe that it's a fault
'cos if everything were plain sailing
oh tell me what would there be left to resolve

but an all time love
'cos nothing else is good enough
i want an all time love to find me
i want an all time love
'cos nothing else is good enough
i want an all time love to find me

all time love / written by jamie hartman

 

[GL]

All week long I have found myself thinking back on someone for whom I had a huge unrequited affection. In fact, I posted about him one time way, way back. It just so happened that I was clearing out old office e-mails from my Outlook at work when I stumbled on a couple of messages we had exchanged.

At the time we were both working on legislative activity attached to my employment and were communicating quiet a bit. And I had a huge, huge crush on him. He was a very smart and articulate guy. He wasn’t one of those drop-dead gorgeous beautiful types. He was tall and had a swimmer’s build and looked equally good dressed up or down. He spoke with a very light lisp that just warmed my heart to the core. Whenever he laughed his face just lit up like the sun. And his laugh… yeah.

Whenever we hung out I couldn’t help but feel this ‘vibe’ from him. The sort of vibe that made you wonder if he really was straight after all. I got it from him all the time. I never asked him anything or made a move on him, but he was always quick to tell me about the things he did with his girlfriend, the places they went to and such. It was almost as if he was trying to prove himself to be straight and this always happened when we were alone.

At the last Christmas party he introduced me to his girlfriend (they were off and on) and yes, she was a nice girl but I just couldn’t see the connection. By that I mean that when you meet a couple, be they gay or straight, you can see how one compliments the other. I couldn’t see that with these two. To me there was very little affection between them, but that could have been my own prejudice playing interference.

After the meeting that I mentioned in my earlier post, he distanced himself. There was still a lot of work and thus, a number of meetings and further communication. But the easy and friendly way we used to get along had come to a stop.

Over this past year I found myself drifting away from the work I used to do with the union and I soon stopped hearing from him all together. Late last summer I found out that he had left the union all together to pursue something else. At the time I was a little saddened because in some way, this was the only means of contact we seemed to have even if it had ceased to be.

Then up came those old e-mails this week and the whole rush of infatuation came back over me like an ocean wave. I found myself wondering what became of him. Was he still politically active? Was he still playing soccer? Was he still dating this girl? I looked him up to see if he was still in the city but it looks like he’s fallen off the grid so to speak. The phone numbers I had were no longer working, I don’t know if he is even still around or has moved on to greener pastures.

Regardless, I hope that he’s doing well. Despite my affection for him, I did think of him as a friend. I hope that maybe one of these days we might see one another again. Maybe with my being out… I know it’s just a pipe dream, but a guy can dream every once and a while.

 

[GL]

I think I need to move. I’m beginning to feel rather put upon and just a tad claustrophobic. Well, truth is I’ve been feeling like this for a good while.

Earlier today I got a phone call from my mother letting me know that she and my dad were in town as they had their monthly staff/family meeting at the nursing home my grandmother stays at. She just wanted me to know that they had some errands to run as well and that they would see me later on that night at my place. They decided to stay over night and return back home the following morning. This news really wasn’t the best and all it did was sour my disposition for the rest of the day. Now, I don’t mean for that to sound like I hate my parents or anything like that. It’s just that Tuesday’s are the one and only day I have to myself all week long.

Right now I am living in a two bedroom, two bath apartment with my brother. Two years ago we made the decision to move in together and share our monthly housing expenses. For him it was a chance to move out of the crappy apartment he had by himself and for me it was a chance to save up some money as I wanted to buy myself a house or a condo.

Shortly after he moved in he lost his job and it took months before he found something else but he was not anywhere close to making the money he had before. Consequently, I ended up paying for just about everything. He helped where he could, but the responsibility was all mine from that point on. It didn’t take long to burn through the little money I had begun to set aside and then to live from one month to the next barely scraping buy.

As for my parents, my dad being a disabled vet has all of his medical appointments done here in town at the VA hospital and outpatient clinic. As such, mom and dad are here in town quiet often and end up staying at my place each and every visit. I won’t begrudge my folks because while my brother was going through his troubles they were helping me out here and there as well. They both knew what a hardship it had been all through out and the sacrifices I had to make to keep a roof over both our heads.

A few months ago, my employer had vacancies and was looking to hire several new staff. I double checked with my supervisor and verified that if my brother were to apply, would it be all right for the both of us to work in the same program. As it turned out there was no restriction in place so I suggested to my brother that he turn in an application, which he did. He was called in for an interview and hired on the spot. So, now we’re both working at the same office. Yep, that’s right. We live together and now we’re working together. ~sigh~

At first I was all right with it because I knew it was a good gig and one that he could hang his hat on. Not to mention the fact that for the first time in nearly two years we were now splitting the expenses as we had originally agreed to: 50/50. It’s nice to actually be able to put some money back in the bank and have something left over at the end of the month.

But now I’m beginning to feel everything and everyone crowding in on me. The brother has a commitment of his own on Tuesday nights and sure enough, my parents show up on the one day out of the week when I know I’ll have the apartment all to myself. Not that I’m doing anything crazy, it’s just nice to have the space all to myself. I’m here in my room typing this and watching the game on TV with my folks in the living room watching the other and I can’t help but wish that I were by myself.

There is this slowly growing ember within me that is yearning to go somewhere else. Somewhere I won’t have to share my home with any family members. Some place that is a good drive from everyone else I know. A new beginning... Eh, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

 

[GL]

Deep thought for the day...

[to a group of depressed psychiatric patients]

Melvin Udall: What if this is as good as it gets?

As Good As It Gets (1997)

 

[GL]

Sunday I saw 300. Not a great movie, but pretty entertaining. If anything, there's a whole lot of beefcake in this one. Very fit men with less than 4% body fat running around in only helmets, capes, short pants (that looked more like leather Jockey underwear) and sandals. It was like a fetish-mart. Now besides the obvious draws it was a visual experience to say the least. The film was shot in such a way that it felt hugely melodramatic. The acting was fairly wooden and the dialogue was a little contrived, but it still turned out to be a good popcorn movie.

I did meet a very cute guy. Don't know where he sits on the fence just yet, but he had me curious several times during dinner. This fellow was invited along by my other friends and he ended up sitting next to me in the theatre. He seemed very nice but it wasn't until after the movie was over and I could get a good look at him that I realized what a very handsome guy he was. More on that later...

After the movie was over I headed for the men's room and while I was waiting in line, a stall opened up. I went for it and as I was doing my business I noticed that the black tiles on the wall were reflecting myself. I looked over to my left and to my right and i could see the other men in those stalls in all their glory. This lead me to believe that the bathroom was designed by a gay man. No straight man would ever design a bathroom that eliminated the need for peep holes.

From there we went out to dinner and decided to go to a pizza buffet. This new guy stood about 5' 7", light brown tousled hair that looked like it had not been cut in a bit. Very, very cute. But his best feature turned out to be his eyes. They were the deepest, bluest eyes I've ever seen. I had to watch myself as I just wanted to stare at him.

As I mentioned at dinner I had to wonder about him. I really couldn't get a read on him and with the way he said things, the way he 'moved' I couldnt help but wonder. I kept my eye on him and I did catch him looking at me. Unfortunately not in that "I want you!" way. But he did seem interested in what I was saying, so who knows? My luck he was just being friendly.

I'll get a chance to see him again as we've made plans to go see Spider-Man 3 when it opens in May. I'm hoping that maybe I can get something set up before then, maybe an evening of shooting pool. The thing is, I haven't been able to stop thinking about those blue eyes.

 

[GL]

Late last month a co-worker asked me if I would like to go bowling again. He and I had bowled against one another a couple of years back when I was league bowling. It turns out that one of their team mates had to drop out all together and left them one man short for the remainder of the season. As my Wednesday nights are currently free I agreed.

I have to say, I’m glad that I did. Granted I was never a great bowler, but I could do well enough that I was generally not ashamed of my performance. It’s taking some doing but I’m quickly getting back into form. It’s been nice getting out of the house for an evening and do nothing but worry about hitting my mark. Not to mention there are a few cute guys bowling there on Wednesday nights! Which got me to thinking… I wondered if there is a gay bowling league here in town?

This past weekend I did some searches on line and sure enough, I found a couple of leagues. One that is actually bowling at the center I’m going at. There was a contact listed so I sent him an e-mail. I got a nice response and an invite to stop by and say hello. They won’t be forming up again until this coming September but at least I’ve been invited to visit and see what they are all about. Right now I'm looking at this as a chance to meet other guys, make some new friends and maybe even a date if I'm lucky. So, this weekend (Sunday to be exact) I am planning to stop on by and say hello.

 

[GL]

This is an update to my previous entry…

I made it out to the bowling center this evening and I am glad that I went. I introduced myself to the league secretary and after he got finished with his set up for the evening he came over and we had ourselves a nice chat.

This league is brand new and they are only in their fifth week. Currently there are 9 teams but they began with 6 so it’s already begun to grow. In fact, there is enough interest that they will form up a summer league after all. The secretary hopes that by the time the season starts up again in the fall they will have doubled in the number of teams. He assured me that theirs wasn’t a blood money league, that they were all there to have fun. Many of the guys there are first time bowlers so that tells me they do it for the fun of it.

He invited me to stay for a while and watch and see if this was something I would like to do. So I stayed around and watched them bowl for a little bit. Although I am glad that it’s a social league, there were a few guys there who could bowl. That’s great in my book. I’m not a pro-bowler by any stretch of the imagination, but the only way you get better is to play against bowlers better than yourself.

So, in a nutshell I think I found something nice. I think it will be a good fit for me in that it will allow me to build some sort of a social network and make new friends. And in case anyone was wondering, yes… there were some cute guys there. Anyhow, I left my information with them, as they are about to send out more info on the summer league.

 

[GL]

I posted this on another thread earlier today and I thought I would re-post it here:

I've lost 80 lbs and have dropped down from XXXL to XL sized clothes. Currently, none of my pants/jeans, shirts and even underwear... fits. Some of the stuff I have fits like a mu-mu. It's a nice problem to have and for once I'm not dreading shopping for clothes. I still have a bit to go, I want to get rid of the gut altogether but over all I feel good. Enough so that I'm looking to joining a gay bowling league here in town for the summer and hopefully make new friends.

The thread request in Hot Topics was to post something you could brag about and I thought I would share that.

You know, I can honestly tell you that I believe this whole thing is a result of my being honest. Because I quit lying to myself and just admitted my sexuality. Once I did that everything in my mind changed. I no longer hated myself and started to take more pride in who and what I am and what my potential as a person could be. I guess the weight loss is a part of that mind shift.

It’s weird in that I’ve not done anything too earth shattering to get here. I really just stopped eating as much and sort of cut back on anything too rich in carbohydrates. And I only did that because I was tired of how my body reacts when I’ve had too much in my system. That whole lethargic thing… I hate it.

Anyhow, I guess I just wanted to be able to pat myself on the back for having come this far. My next priority is to consider a proper workout program. Something that will allow me to burn more fat and build some muscle. I guess I should look at one of the health clubs here in town. So we’ll see.

 

[GL]

So I’m surfing the net this evening and listening to my music when iTunes throws Sinatra at me. It happens to be one of my favorites and sadly, it always makes me feel sort of lonely…

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me

Although I may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
But to her heart I'll carry the key
Won't you tell her please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Won't you tell her please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

I really need to quit listening to this song. :/

 

[GL]

Lately I’ve come to wonder if my life wouldn’t be a little bit easier if I was. I’ve always been the kind to look at the glass as ‘half full,’ the kind who maintains a belief that man is intrinsically good… that sort of thing.

As such, I have this over developed ‘hopeless romantic’ mentality that seems to be the root of all my woes be they of my own making or someone else’s. I guess maybe I see too much into things and hope for things to be as I wish.

Anyhow, there really isn't much I can do about it. I'm stuck being who I am. I guess that I will just have to work through this one as well.

 

[GL]

So I got myself a new iPod Nano the other day. I hadn’t gotten anything for myself for my birthday and I thought now was as good a time as any to upgrade from my Shuffle. I have to tell you, I love it and I totally dig that snazzy silver finish! However, I purchased the 2 GB model and am already wishing I had gotten the 4!

If there is one thing that sort of bothers me about my new Nano is that there is no auto fill function like with my Shuffle. I liked being able to select a play list and just letting the darn thing fill up on its own, but with the Nano it’s not even an option. Considering how user friendly everything else has been with Apple I’m sort of at a loss as to why such a simple, entry-level program is not offered on the ‘next step up’ product.

Anyhow, it isn’t enough to quell my happiness for my new toy. Next month I plan to get a nice speaker unit for the office.

 

[GL]

My mother called me this morning to tell me my uncle passed away last night. We all knew that it was coming, he had been in poor health for some time, but it still sucks. He was my favorite uncle, the one that would always make me laugh and spoil me with a lot of attention. With my uncle passing that closes out my grandfather's line all together. Neither one of them had any sons, all daughters. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from the family to see when the funeral will be. It's weird, I feel sad but at the same time I fell sort of numb.

 

[GL]

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?