GL - Archived Blog Posts

[GL]

Okay. This is the inaugural blog entry of a self-confessed comic book geek. How is this important? Well, it is what I am. Among other things. I'll come back to that latter. Maybe that can be another entry.

Where am I at the moment. Hmm... I am in a better mood for one. Have been for a while now. It's not that I'm some depressed guy or anything, but it's that I've finally accepted myself for who and what I am. I'm gay. For a long while I knew this but would not admit it to myself. I'm 35 years old now and I want to get on with my life, you know? Stop living in the shadows and just be honest. Well, now that that hurdle has been jumped I have to start talking to others and let them in on my big secret. This puts me right at the threshold of the closet door, so to speak. We'll see how that turns out.

I think my parents know. Several months back, I was helping my folks move things in my Grandmother's home. She's been in a nursing home for almost a year (Alzheimer's is a bitch.), her home was pretty much how she left it when she went in. I guess the whole ordeal got them down and my Dad's been worrying that I might end up alone. He said something about how he didn't care if I was looking for a girl, or if I didn't like girls, he just did not want to see me by myself. That statement really got to me, somehow it made it easier for me to accept myself.

As it is, having accepted things as they are I have been in a far better mood. I guess not being honest with myself was really dragging me down. Well, I guess thats all for now. We'll have to see what pushes me to post again. Laters!

 

[GL]

You know something? Straight boys suck. Straight boys that make you wonder where they really sit on the fence suck even more.

All day today I’ve been thinking about this guy I know from work. He’s our union representative and as such works in a different office, one that is not directly associated with mine. We may only see one another maybe once or twice throughout the month and I have to tell you that I’ve had a pretty strong crush on him for a while now.

I never said anything to him about my feelings for him as:

A. I have not yet come out of the closet to those that I know and
B. He’s been involved for a good while with a nice girl.

Why would I allow myself to be infatuated with a straight guy? Well, since I don’t really know any other gay men and have not yet ventured out into the world to look for boyfriends and such, all I have are the guys in my world who to the best of my knowledge are all straight.

He’s a great guy, he really is. He’s very dedicated and politically active, a blue state liberal if you will. Physically, he’s no Adonis, but he sure is cute. Thin build, short hair (he keeps it in a short buzz). Loves hiking and is an avid soccer player. Not to mention the fact that he wears those neat rectangular framed glasses that are all the rage, it makes him look ultra smart. And he has a tattoo on his arm that is barely visible when he wears short sleeves. I am dying to know what the full tattoo looks like. And I’m not really into body art! I have it bad, don’t I?

Anyhow, we’re both present for a telephone conference call last week at his office. We said our usual friendly greetings and sat down across from one another. We do some small talk. “How are things at the office?” “Did you hear about so and so?” I asked him how his girlfriend is doing and he gets quite for a second. He tells me that he broke up with her only a couple of weeks back. Of course I’m thinking ‘here’s my chance!’ Yeah, right.

Here’s the kicker. As the conference call is coming to an end, I look over to him and find him staring at me. He had this look on his face like he’s trying to figure me out, or something. The thing is, he never looked away. I was surprised and felt a little bit weird. I looked away from his starring, as I couldn’t think of anything else to do! When the call does finally end, he’s changed his behavior towards me. All of a sudden he’s not the warm friendly guy I’m used to. He’s now this distant guy.

Friday, I had to call him and ask him for some assistance on a project. When he hears it’s me on the phone, he goes distant and what not. I ask him if there’s anything wrong. He tells me there’s nothing. He’s just tired. Whatever, I think I’m just going to leave him alone. I honestly don’t know what’s going on in his head. But I’m just going to leave this one behind.

 

[GL]

I just realized something this morning, as of this past Monday I’m out of the closet. Wow. That’s right friends and neighbors, I came out of the closet! I know what you’re thinking, something THIS big how could I have not realized it until now?

Well, if you’ve read my first blog entry, you know that I had finally admitted it all to myself. I had decided right before my birthday, that I would just be who I am. At some point, you want to tell someone where you stand, right? That being the case, I had made this plan out for myself in which I would tell the one person that I felt would be most understanding of my situation. This person is my cousin, who himself is gay and out. From there I would speak to the rest of my family including my parents.

I had been trying to get a hold of him for a while now for this very reason but with no luck. Finally I just copied my blog entry and e-mailed it to him. He’s always on line so I figured that he would read it and get back with me. I mean, if someone you know sent you something like I did, wouldn’t you be wondering? Anyhow, that was this past Monday and he hasn’t said or done a thing. I’ve even tried to IM him, but he just leaves me hanging. This hurts actually as I thought that I would have at least one person on my side. So who knows? Anyhow, I’m out!

 

[GL]

Yesterday afternoon, I went with my parents to visit my Grandmother at the nursing home. I hate going. Not because of any disrespect to her, but because it reminds of who and what she was. And I hate that. My Grandmother has been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease for some time.

I’ve always been close to my Grandparents. When I was growing up, I would walk home from school to their house and wait for my Mother to pick us up when she got off work. She indulged us, my Grandmother. She had a large, flat piece of wood with a laminate surface on it that she kept in the kitchen, stashed between the refrigerator and the cabinets. This was for me to use. I would take it into the living room and lie down on the floor and draw or color. Usually right next to my Grandfather. Who would sit and read his newspaper and say things to make me laugh. When we spent the night, she would make us pancakes in the morning. God, those were the best. She also made the best “papas con huevos” tacos I’ve had to this day.

When my Grandfather passed away, I was 13. I was devastated, pure and simple. I felt as if the sun had gone out in my little world. I still remember the afternoon when my Dad and my uncle (my Grandpa’s brother) came to tell us that our Grandpa had passed away. Grams took it surprisingly well. She was consoling everyone else at the funeral. She was, and up until she became sick, a fiercely independent woman. Strong willed and tough as nails. But, she loved her grand kids. And she was the one who told me not to be angry that my Grandpa wasn’t there anymore, but to be glad that his spirit would be with me till the day I died.

My mother suggested I stay with my Grandmother for the summer to keep her company. That was the summer that I came to appreciate my Grandmother as my friend as well. I learned to cook, clean the house and iron my clothes. I even learned how to sew on a button. As my aunt had had her youngest right before Grandpa passed, I even learned to change my first diaper. Grams had accidentally burned her hand and told me that I would have to do it. So, she talked me through it. To this day, I still tease my cousin and remind her that she was a violent burper and left a foul smell in her diaper. I was there for her, a week after the funeral, when she finally broke down and mourned her husband.

Now, when I go see her, I cannot help but be reminded of these and other things that ring loud in my memory. It breaks my heart, each and every time. And it takes every fiber of my being not to break down and cry. I’m writing this now and I can’t stop crying.

There are times that she doesn’t recognize my Mother or my Father. She always asks to go to the bathroom because it’s the only thing she’s able to remember. But, she always seems to recognize me. I hug her and kiss her and sit down next to her and just hold her hand. I talk to her, but she doesn’t really talk back anymore. When she does, it’s always in a whisper.

I hate this fucking disease. I hate what it does to the victim. It robs them of their memories, their dignity and changes who they are. I hate what it does to those of us who care for our loved ones. I know that it was the most difficult decision my Mother probably ever faced when she realized that she could not continue caring for her mother and had to put her into the nursing home. And I hate what it does to me and how it makes me feel. But, I’ll keep going to see her. If anything, I know I need to go more often. And each and every time I will hate it and I will cry my ass off while I drive myself home.

 

[GL]

I’ve mentioned my cousin before. He’s a couple of years younger than me and openly gay. I’ve admired him for some time now as he came out as a young man. It wasn’t without its share of consequences, but he bore it well. To this day, I still think he’s one of the bravest men I’ve ever met. This is the cousin to whom I first came out to.

I sent him an e-mail with a copy of the first blog entry I posted. I was surprised when I didn’t get any kind of a response from him. I got all worried and wondered if maybe he didn’t take the news well or something. Finally, last week, I got an e-mail back from him telling me that he did get my previous one and that he had not forgotten me. He made some comment that what I told him was ‘heavy.’ OK. That makes sense, sort of.

As it is, last night I was doing the IM thing when my cousin came on line. At this point it was almost two weeks since I told him my big secret and a week since that initial e-mail. We talked for a little bit, the usual “small talk” kind of stuff… And then I asked him if he was ok with what I sent him.

Thankfully, he told me he was cool with the whole thing. But, get this, he tells me that he always knew. This really blows my mind. You have to understand that I put a lot of effort into hiding who I really was. And I always thought that I had succeeded. I’m like, how did you know? Was I obvious? Where did I slip up? He couldn’t give me specifics. Just that he always knew, but never said anything as he felt it was not his place to say. The whole thing still boggles my mind. For some damn reason, I’ve been thinking about it all day.

We’re going to see each other this weekend. There’s a big wedding anniversary to celebrate, so the whole family will be getting together. We’ve promised to hook up this weekend and just talk about all of this. I have to tell you, it really is load off knowing that we’re ok. I mean, I was worried that I freaked him out and that I would lose his counsel and friendship. I feel better knowing that I have him in my corner after all.

Also, now we can talk about all of the cute boys we’ve known, but could never say anything about! That ought to be fun.

 

[GL]

After a good number of years out of school, I had decided to return and finally finish my degree. Why did I not finish it before? Simply put, I wasn’t ready for it. College, that is. I did not have the discipline scholastic study requires in order to be successful.

I found myself away from home for the first time, at Junior College and basically afraid to do anything. My first two years were very quiet. Mostly going to class and observing everything around me, but not really participating. I wasn’t applying myself as I knew I could. I finished my two years there and moved on to UTSA (The University of Texas at San Antonio).

At UTSA, I seemed to come alive a little bit more. I made some friends and we had ourselves a grand time. In retrospect, perhaps I had too good a time. Reckless partying and studying rarely seem to mix. In short time, I bottomed out. I had dragged my grades down and lost my financial aid. I made a couple of attempts to get back and finish, but my problem was that I did not really have an idea what I wanted to do with my life. So, I languished and only gave a halfhearted effort.

Like many others before me and since, I found a job. Not a bad job, but not a great one either. I managed a video store for one of the big rental companies and did ok. After a while I found myself passed over for my own store one time to many and decided to leave. I got another job working for the state’s human services agency.

I like what I do. I work on assistance programs for the elderly and the disabled. It’s rewarding work. However, my employer has decided that what we do, person to person, could be done over the telephone or the internet, and for a considerable savings. More so if they decided to allow a private company to handle the whole thing. Naturally this means that the state would no longer need us to do the job. We were told that lay offs could begin this November.

So, that’s where I am now. I decided that I needed to get back into school and finish my degree. With time behind me and the guidance of a dear friend and mentor at work, I’ve decided to jump into what interested me the most: Communications.

I just finished my first semester. It was a lot of hard work. There were many projects to be completed and a lot of writing to be done. It turned out to be a good class and I can honestly say that I learned something. My communications professor has been pushing me towards creative writing and has even given me some ideas as to which school I might want to attend to finish up.

This morning I looked at my final grade on line and found that I had earned an “A” for my work. I know its only one class, but I have to admit I am very proud of this one grade. It feels good to be able to look at that and know that I earned that grade. I think, no, I know that I am finally ready.

 

[GL]

I hate being sick. I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I knew that if I went in to the office, I would be miserable for the whole damn day. So I did the one thing that I knew would save my sanity, I called in sick.

I took some medication and rolled back into bed. But I couldn’t get back to sleep for the life of me. The thing is I felt tired and sleepy. I would nod off and then jerk right back into the now. Argh! I hate that.

By about eleven this morning, I felt better. Well enough to get out of bed and get cleaned up. I decided that if I was going to be home feeling miserable, I would at least run to the store and grab some soup and other food stuffs. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup always fill the bill. From there I made the short drive to the comic shop as today is Wednesday, the day the new stuff hits the shelf. Today was especially important as the last installment of the six issue mini-series bringing back Hal Jordan to the comic book world hits the shelves!

For those few who do not know who Hal Jordan is, well, let me enlighten you. [Comic book geek stands on his soap box] Hal Jordan is the one true Green Lantern! He was the test pilot who was chosen by his predecessor to pick up the mantle and defend space sector 2218, which includes Earth. Hal had found the wreckage of a space craft, belonging to a dying Green Lantern, who passed his ring on to him. Hal came to understand that the Green Lanterns were the protectors of the universe. Thousands, maybe millions of Green Lanterns policed the known universe and protected it all from evil. Their power was derived from a central power battery on the planet Oa. The ring itself is considered one of the most powerful weapons in the comic universe. However, its power can only be harnessed by the will of the ring bearer. I always thought that was cool. I’m telling you, he and Batman are my favorite comic book characters ever.

A friend of mine at work once asked me why I loved my comics so much. I had to think on that for a moment as there are several worthy reasons. First, in my opinion, comic books are the American version of the Greek Myths. Alex Ross, a noted graphic illustrator and a rabid comic book fan, once noted that you can see the Greek archetypes in the DC comics’ world. Superman is the all powerful Zeus. Wonder Women is all the Greek goddesses rolled into one. Batman represents the dark world of Hades. I guess GL would be representative of Hephaestus since he constructs things with his ring. By the way, if you have never seen Alex Ross’ work, look it up. There is a beautiful coffee table book called “Mythology: The DC Comics Art of Alex Ross.” Next time you’re at the book store, check it out. Of what I have read, it is a uniquely American medium, which gave rise to other variants across the globe.

Secondly, it is the one thing that I have not yet abandoned from my childhood. As we get older, we find ourselves letting go of a good many things that are part of our upbringing. Somehow, they are no longer relevant as they are now ‘kid stuff.’ Your toys get sold at the yard sale. The clothes you wore get passed down to your siblings. Things like that. I too let go of things that were in that vein. But, this was the one thing I refused to let go. Comic books were my first reading primer. My Mom would sit with me and help me read my books. Even my cousins, who baby sat me, would read with me. Comic books have been a part of me for the better part of my life. I’m glad that I didn’t let them go. It’s turned out to be the one thing that reminds me to have fun when things aren’t so good. It reminds me of a time when everything was simple, pure and safe. The world has gotten much darker around us and I find myself turning to these simple things that bring me joy and remind me of heroism in a time when there are so few real heroes left.

For those of you bored out of your skull and actually read my drivel, I was serious when I said check out this book: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=zZ7kZyt9eF&isbn=0375422404&itm=1

 

[GL]

Yeah Baby! My San Antonio Spurs blew past the Phoenix Suns to clinch the Western Conference. Damn if that wasn't a hell of a series.

We were all expecting a sweep and when that didn't happen, visions of last October and the Boston Redsox began to float in my head... yikes! But the guys pulled it together and came on strong. This doesn't mean that it was an easy win. Phoenix put up one hell of a fight.

For that matter, it’s real hard to dislike Phoenix. They remind me of the Spurs in that they're not flashy. There doesn't appear to be any egos or swelled heads (Kobe, Shaq anyone?). They don't talk trash on or off the court. They just go out there and play basketball to the best of their abilities.

And Steve Nash! All I can say is that he is the MVP for a damn good reason (All though, I would have voted for Manu myself.). Mark Cuban is such a dork and I hope he's kicking himself for letting Nash go.

A friend of mine at work made it a point to declare that this series would be the real final for San Antonio. I'm not making any kind of predictions off of that statement. I've seen to many victories walk away in the past to be that brazen. However, I am looking forward to the finals with whoever wins between Detroit and Miami.
Go Spurs Go!!!

 

[GL]

Well, I’m glad the NBA Finals are over. For the first time in two weeks, my stomach is beginning to unclench. My stomach was in so many knots I hadn’t had a proper fart in all that time (props to andrew001). I’ve been a nervous wreck because of this series.

When the finals began, I told everyone at work that this series would go all the way. I had predicted that it would be a low scoring, drag down defensive match throughout. I was partially right. The series did go out to all seven, but the defensive match up I had predicted didn’t really begin until game five. The first four were fairly lopsided and depending on whom you were rooting for, very uncomfortable.

During game seven, my nerves were on edge. I wondered if we would be able to pull this iron out of the fire. My friend called me from Dallas and we sat there yelling at the TV on long distance. “Dallas” was cracking me up, he was so sick of Bill Walton that he had his TV on mute and wasn’t even listening to the game. Once the game was over, I called my parents back home and we congratulated one another. It was cool.

The next day at work, we all pretty much blew off the first half of the morning. The victory was the topic of discussion throughout. Everybody was recalling their favorite plays or team member. What I found most impressive and readily told anyone who would listen, was what both David Robinson and Sean Elliot (his Memorial Day Miracle shot made him my biggest hero on the planet) said and did in separate interviews. When asked a question about the Spurs, they would both respond as “we.” “We need to do this,” or “We need to do that.” They may not still wear their jerseys, but they will always be members of the San Antonio Spurs.

Today is the River Walk parade for the Spurs, followed by the Victory Rally at the Alamodome. I’m thinking about going. But to be honest, I’m not real wild about all the crowds. This will be much more than going to the SBC Center for a game, we’re talking a lot of people. The River Walk will be totally congested, as will be the dome. As much as I would like to go, I think I’ll stay here in the comfort of my air conditioned living room and plant my happy ass into the couch and watch it all on TV. In closing…

GO SPURS GO!!!

 

[GL]

I’ve been sitting here thinking about the potential ramifications of an ultra conservative, extreme right wing judge on the Supreme Court bench. I began to think about the hot button topics that would undoubtably turn up, gay marriage and rights, Roe v. Wade, the Patriot Act and the supposed separation of Church and State. There are a whole bunch of issues that one could pick out and worry about. The thing is though, what with the lock the Right has on the whole darn thing, it’s a foregone conclusion that the President will have his nominee on the bench.

It must have been a premonition of things to come, but earlier this week I was watching “The West Wing” on Bravo (I’m a West Wing junky!) and on that episode, the President had two spots to fill on the bench. Their solution was interesting. The White House nominated their dream judge (Played by Glenn Close! How cool is that!) and in hopes of avoiding a protracted and divisive battle with a Republican congress, they entered into an agreement to allow the Right their own dream judge. The idea was that with both extremes on the bench, good law would be written. Then, sure enough, Justice O’Conner decided that now was the time to step down and enjoy the time she still has with her loved ones. It was coming, the retirement, but it still surprised the hell out of me.

Then it dawned on me, especially after all the stories and news pieces about her legacy, we were very lucky to have her moderate voice on the bench. She was the one that kept the extreme Right from really overstepping their bounds (Scalia & Thomas). And in the same vein, she did the same for the far Left. I’m thinking that in order for the court to really work right, we need to have an even mix of all views sitting at the table. Something that we had for the last 24 years that she’s been on the bench. I don’t know... I guess I’m just worried about what’s coming over the horizon.

 

[GL]

I'm stealing a page from henderson98's blog. If you see this henderson, don't hate me. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I had just posted these very same lyrics on a 'favorite song' thread. Lately, this song has been floating around inside my head and on the stereo quite a bit. It's obvious to me why I've been playing it so much of late. I really hate being alone. I don't think I'm depressed or anything like that. It's just after a while, you get tired of being by yourself. You know?

Love's Divine -Seal

Then the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my belief you see
And realize my mistake
But time through a prayer to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I don't bet [don't bet], don't pray [don't pray]
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all alone
But the message here was plain to see
Believe in me

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet [don't bet], don't break [don't break]
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name

 

[GL]

Right now I cannot stop listening to “Soul Bossa Nova” by Quincy Jones. I bet you know what song I’m talking about, even if you don’t recognize the title. It’s the music they played for the opening credits of “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery” and “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.” I don’t know if they used the same music for “Gold Member.” I never got around to watching that one. Either way... This song puts me in groovy mood, or something.

 

[GL]

For some ungodly reason, I woke up this morning at 4:30! WTF?!? Lately, I've not been sleeping as well as I would like.

As I am sitting up in bed and blearily looking at the clock on the night stand, "Frozen" by Madonna pops on in my head. Why, I have no idea. And it's not really the whole song mind you, its the part where she's humming "Mmmm..." I mean, I can hear her humming and the music. Weird...


You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

You’re so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You’re broken
When your heart’s not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we’d never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there’s no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

If I could melt your heart

 

[GL]

This hasn’t been one of my better days. I came home for lunch, as I am prone to do, and found out about James Doohan. Better known as Captain Montgomery Scott, chief engineer for the USS Enterprise. I know he was getting older and his health was not what it once was, but it still came as a huge surprise to me. Considering how important Star Trek was, and is, to me I was really saddened.

First it was Gene Roddenberry who created Star Trek. Then it was Mark Leonard who was known for his portrayal of Sarek, who is Spock’s father. Mark was the only actor with the singular distinction of having played each of the trio of aliens associated with this show: Romulan, Vulcan and Klingon. Then there was DeForest Kelly, Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy. I still get a little sad if and when I see anything Star Trek and up pops the good doctor. And now Scotty...

Then to make matters worse, I find out about Jim Aparo. One of the great comic book illustrators to grace the pages of the medium. It’s funny, but when I was younger I looked at his work and thought it was ok. I guess I had become seduced by the crop of dramatic, powerful artists of the early 90's. Eventually I would find myself looking back on his work and realizing what a putz I was for devaluating his work. It was brilliant! His panels were dramatic, dark and sometimes very powerful. He was one of a kind. Then I began to ponder who was next because these things always come in threes.

As I was finishing up my day, I went through my voice mail to see who had called so I could get an idea what calls I would need to make in the morning. There was a message about one of my older clients. The caller was reporting that my client, Mr. Corrales, had passed away. Dammit.

I knew something was up when his paperwork didn’t come back. Knowing that he needed a little more help than most, I had already decided that I would need to follow up with him and make sure he was alright. I never got the chance. He would call my office from time to time because he knew that I would answer him and talk with him for a couple of minutes. There is never enough time in the day to get everything done that needs to be done. But I knew he was by himself with no family and he was a veteran. Two soft spots in my heart. So I would do my best to oblige him.

I’ve had client’s pass away before. When you deal with the elderly in my line of work, death is just something that you have to accept. Nobody lives forever. But this... I’m not ashamed to admit this, but when I played that message I almost broke down and cried. Poor Mr. Corrales. I just hope he wasn’t by himself when he passed.

So yeah, this day was a real let down.

 

[GL]

So I have this friend. Someone who I’ve gotten rather fond of in a very short amount of time. I have to admit I am rather surprised as to how much I’ve come to enjoy our chats and e-mails. As goofy as it may sound, they’ve all become the hi-lights of my day. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m running off to Canada to get married or anything. We’ve only know one another briefly. But... You know when you meet someone who really gets your interest? Someone who gives you a “spark,” for want of a better word. Well, that’s what I’ve got right now. I don’t know where this will lead. But it really is nice.

Forgive this indulgence, but this one is for my friend. Yeah, I know what you're going to say. "Freak!"

Ray Of Light

Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder
Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun
She’s got herself a universe gone quickly
For the call of thunder threatens everyone

And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel

Faster than the speeding light she’s flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She’s got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when earth shall be as one

Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light

And I feel
Quicker than a ray of light
Then gone for
Someone else shall be there
Through the endless years

She’s got herself a universe
She’s got herself a universe
She’s got herself a universe

And I feel
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel

Quicker than a ray of light she’s flying
Quicker than a ray of light I’m flying

 

[GL]

Well, I’m still chatting with my friend. We seem to find one another on-line in the evening and just start yakking away. I have to admit I really look forward to our “visits.” Each time ends up being a two or three hour chat and when it starts to get late, we actually feel a little down that we need to close it all off for the night. And we've been at this for at least two weeks with barely a night off.

Last night we sort of watched a movie together. They were showing “The Sixth Sense” on ABC Monday night. I myself had already seen it, but my friend had not. So we watched it, sort of together, and chatted with one another. I did steal a few peeks at “The West Wing” on Bravo from time to time. I had to confess to him that I’m a “West Wing” junkie. So far he’s ok with that. I told him that I wished we were nearer to one another. That I would very much like to take him to the movies, maybe dinner. You know, a real date. He told me he wished the same.

So where does this put us? We’re hanging out with each other every night, albeit I’m in Texas and he’s... elsewhere. For those who have asked, he's a JUB member as well. We’ve jokingly referred to one another as the “cyber-boyfriend.” We look forward to one another’s nightly gab-fest. I guess we’re dating because I don’t know what else you would call it.

 

[GL]

Let me tell you, this past week has been something. I’m talking ups and downs. We found out this week that we we’re losing a couple more case workers and that our case loads are going to go up. When I first started with this particular program, my case load was around 275. Fast forward to 4 years later and I’m closer to 1400. That brick wall is hurtling at me faster and faster.

We said good-bye to our program manager, the one person who ran interference for us and kept the morons in the regional office out of our hair so we could do our work. Not to mention the fact that we’re looking at being pink-slipped in the next few months in favor of a privately run, telephone bank. Does it matter that the numbers presented to the legislature to justify this mess is “fuzzy” at best? Does it matter that the company is headquartered in the Bahamas? Can anybody spell “boondoggle?”

Then, to make matters even more stressful, my brother and roommate tells me he lost his job. That really was the icing on the cake. His hours were getting cut more and more and this put me in the position of paying more and more for what was supposed to be an 50/50 split. This means that I paid out all the bills this month. The rent, the utilities, etc. I don’t blame him and I certainly harbor no ill will. I love him... he’s my brother and one of my dearest friends. It’s just sometimes it’s to much. But, I’ll stick with him because I know that if our roles were reversed, he’d do the same for me. Wish us luck, he’s got an interview tomorrow.

But it hasn’t all been dark and depressing. After a near month in on-line communication, chatting and e-mails, it finally dawned on me that I had a boyfriend. We’ve been dancing around this concept for some reason and finally decided to call it for what it was. We’re dating. Granted, its all on-line. But hopefully we’ll figure something out and actually hook up. Nothing would please me more than to take him out to dinner and a movie. Simple, I know. But right now it would mean the world to me. Maybe later, and if he’s alright with it, I’ll tell you all how we came to be paired up. For now, I’m happy with what I have. Where this will lead us, I don’t know. I guess we’ll just have to see.

When my world seems to go from one end to the other, I turn to music. Right now, and partly because I found the trailer to the upcoming movie on Apple’s QUICKTIME site, I’ve been listening to “Seasons Of Love” from “Rent.” I have to admit that I’ve never had the opportunity to see the stage show. Hopefully that will change. If not, I will most certainly go see the movie. I was soo excited by the trailer that I actually posted the links in Hot Topics! As it is, the song has given me a solace that I did not expect. Well, thats all for now. Hopefully I’ll talk to you all later.

Seasons Of Love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure- measure a year?

In daylights- in sunsets
In midnights- in cups of coffee
In inches- in miles- in laughter, in strife
In- five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

SOLOIST #1
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

SOLOIST #2
In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In the bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

COMPANY
It's time now- to sing out
Though the story never ends
Let's celebrate, remember a year
In the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love

SOLOIST #1
Measure, measure your life in love!

COMPANY
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

 

[GL]

I am so fucking pissed off right now.

At work, we are looking at a reduction in force beginning in November and rolling on throughout the state. I will still have a job up until March/April 2006, possibly longer if the roll-out is delayed beyond that.

The remaining jobs proposed for after the complete roll-out were posted this past Monday and those eligible were allowed to begin bidding. I could not get into the database. For the life of me, I could not figure it out. My supervisor, my immediate lead worker, the IT person in the office all tried to figure out why I couldn’t get in. Finally, I sent an e-mail to the database help desk asking them to look into it.

Today I got a response. Evidently, I did not make the cut-off for those lucky few who would be allowed to bid. This means that as I am not able to bid, and if and when the roll-out occurs, I will be out of a job. What really pisses me off is that I had to learn this from some flunky at a help desk in Austin that I was out! I mean, really! What the fuck???

I took the e-mail I got and walked over to my supervisor and we looked at it. He was as surprised as I was. I went back to my office and sat there for a couple of minutes and just fumed. I shut everything off and decided I would go with my folks to Houston. I told my supervisor I was taking sick leave today and tomorrow. I also reminded him that I was going on vacation next week anyhow and that if my work went delinquent... what the hell do I care. He was totally sympathetic. “Go home...” he says, “when you come back we’ll look to see if there is anywhere else in the program you can go to. Stay positive.” I mean... he’s right of course.

But I’m still pissed off.

Fucking bastards!

 

[GL]

This is a follow up to my last entry.

I was so ticked off about what happened to me on Thursday that I neglected to tell you all why it was that I was not included in the initial job pool. It turns out that my last supervisor, with whom I did not get along with, gave me a poor mark on my last annual review.

In less technical terms, the mark had to do with policy accuracy. This mark occurred when we gained new cases from vacant workloads throughout our region. From one day to the next I doubled in the number of people in my case load. I won’t lie to you, as I look back on it that mark was called for. I did fall below the threshold for that area of review. However, he had put down a 3 month review to go back and see if I was back up to par. He never did it. Had he done so, sometime in January I would have been back in the green. Had he done so, that mark would not have been hanging over my head when state office evaluated the job pool. My first thought was that he was still out to get me.

After I left my supervisor’s office, I walked back over to my lead worker’s and told her what was going on. We talked for a few minutes and she understood how disappointed and upset I was. She glanced over my annual as I had been given a copy by my supervisor. I brought her up to speed on my conversation with the boss and told her that I was going to call it a day and go with my folks to Houston.

She told me that she would see what could be done about my case load as I had reviews due next week while I was on vacation. You have to know that this is a big deal. We are already so short-staffed and overwhelmed that picking up anyone else’s work is sometimes difficult, to say the least. I told her to leave it as it was. I was already going out the door, what more could they do to me if it all went delinquent. She told me to get lost... not to worry about it and that she would see what she could do.

So I went to Houston. My parents were already at my apartment and getting ready to drive off when I got home. I told them what had happened and how I just had to get out. So I gathered my things for an over-night and took off. We had gone to Houston so that my brother could practice with the vocal group who would be performing at my other brother’s wedding next week. While we sat there and listened to the rehearsal, I couldn’t stop thinking about my behavior. I actually came to feel guilty for having left my caseload for the others. My Mom, God bless her, told me to just let it go for the night and call the office the following day.

Friday morning I called my lead worker and told her that I was sorry for having bailed like I did. Sure enough, she had told the others in our team what had happened to me and they all agreed to pitch in and help. One of my co-workers, and dearest of friends, stayed till 8 pm that night working on my stuff. Man, I felt so sick to my stomach with guilt! That’s when she began to tell me that she did not think that my evaluation was done correctly. She was so sure that she took her concern to our supervisor. They both took my evaluation apart and realized that she was right. There were mistakes made, not to mention the fact that no one had picked up on the 3 month review. So they decided that they would do my yearly evaluation 2 months early, when I get back from vacation. The work I’ve done since would be more than sufficient to clear up the matter. The only bad thing is that there is no way for me to get into the previous job pool. State office will probably not allow me to get in on that. Regardless of whether or not an error was made that precluded me from the pool. Oh well.

At least now, I will more than likely have a clean bill and can apply for other positions within the agency. Whether or not I remain with the agency is another matter entirely. But at least my name will be cleared. As for my caseload, even though I am on vacation at the moment, I went into the office yesterday and am planning to go in this afternoon. I figured if I could at least give back the work that I would have done had I stayed in Thursday and Friday, it would alleviate some of the pressure on my teammates and sooth my guilt. So, I guess there was something of a happy ending to this story.

 

[GL]

Yep... I’m now officially in “Time To Find A New Job” mode. It’s been two weeks since I got the news that I wouldn’t have a job under my current situation. I’ll be working up until March or April. Bummer, I know. I figured now that I’m back at the office and have all my wonderful work sitting on my desk, I can start taking a few minutes here and there to look at other internal and external job opportunities. And the beauty of it is I can stay after and claim overtime while I do it!

I found one that really got my interest. It’s in another department all together, the job duties are different in that my client contact will be more direct and specialized and it pays a little more per month than my current job. I’d have to move to another location on the far south side of town, so it’s definitely a longer drive. But, it’s a challenge and I think I’m up for it. So keep your fingers crossed.

Another thing is getting my annual review done so that my name is cleared. All the applications in the world won’t mean a hill of beans as long as that mark is on my file. Get this, yesterday I was talking to my lead worker and she was began to explain to me how she figured my annual was done incorrectly. My previous supervisor totally botched my statistics! Then she showed me how badly he botched my statistics.

She ran the numbers for me and showed that not only did I meet all requirements, but I actually exceeded requirements on most of my performance requirements. The only way that he could have made the conclusion he had was to totally ignore my good stats and use only those that were sub-par. Now, more than ever, I’m beginning to believe that he had it in for me. Neither of us could see why in the world he calculated my statistics like he did. In fact, I’m thinking of contacting the legal department and see if there is anything that can be done. I’m not out for revenge or anything (all though that would be very Klingon of me!), I just think he should be held accountable for this.

Anyhow, I’m not going to wait on them or anyone else for that matter. I need to find a new job and I want to stay working for the state. Despite the one moron previously mentioned, it doesn’t diminish my desire to stay where I am. I love what I do and I want to stay doing it. If not with this department then hopefully another. My boss suggested I look at other state agencies as well, which I will. So, wish me luck as I start beating the bushes.