Going from monogamous to polyamorous...

[saymyname]

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. We've been dating for almost 4 months and I feel extremely in love with him and I know he feels the same. Everything is perfect, except... if you've read the other thread by me in this section, we're both tops. We basically never fuck each other anymore, not in the last two months. He knows I was into open relationships before I met him, but we decided to let things be monogamous for a while when we first started dating, just so we only could be with each other, make things a bit easier. We're both open minded about being open - not even dating other guys or anything, just sex.

So, we've talked about it... he doesn't really want to because he's worried it will fuck things up between us, for example, meeting other people. I'm hesitant too, but I don't think that you should be with someone for fear of meeting another person. No matter what, you'll meet other people, and I know my choice is to be with him. Other guys would just be tricks, just fun. No strings attached... So we've considered three somes, but we don't have the same taste in guys, so that gets complicated. I do want to be with him for as long as I can, forever if I have the chance, but I'm 21 and he's 18 and the idea that neither of us are going to have sex with anyone else is unrealistic.

So, he knows this guy, who I know, who I think is really sexy... and well... he finds us really sexy... but my bf isn't that in to him... but I really REALLY want to fuck this guy... I don't want to be his lover or have any emotional connection with him, just a fuck buddy fling. I'm not sure if my boyfriend is going to be okay with that because he's just going to get jealous, but he has nothing to be jealous of. I am basically just being my slutty, kinky self while still loving him with my entire heart and soul. Is there a way to explain this to someone who isn't into polyamory?

 

[bankside]

You are not talking about polyamoury. Polyamoury isn't about having a fling with some guy on the side that your man isn't into.

Polyamoury would be, probably before anyone else even came into the picture, about pushing your boundaries with someone you love, which means you and your man would learn to fuck each other and learn what you like about it with each other. And before you would invite anyone else to join you, you'd probably be having really good sex with each other.

To me that is polyamoury. This seems like a potential mess. It won't fix different sexual interests and that is the bigger issue.

 

[saymyname]

Dude, I know what polyamory is. In fact, I even spell it right. While what I'm talking about isn't polyamory because there's no love involved for the other people, it's opening up, in a sexual way, what is currently a monogamous relationship. Polyamory isn't about getting fucked and fucking your lover if neither of you particularly enjoy getting fucked, so that's awful advice. Polyamory is simply having more than once relationship at a time in a consensual, open way. I don't want another relationship, just another sex partner. But to some people that's a form of poly. And FYI, my boyfriend and I do have great sex - that's not what this thread is about. It's about how to explain to your lover that you want other sex partners without them thinking it means anything emotional.

 

[ridinghorses1]

There's a lot of hesitation, so I wouldn't do it. Maybe wait for a guy to come along who strikes both of you as attractive, but who knows when'll that happen. Maybe try to have a 3 way relationship? Or maybe not.

I don't know if you want to hear this or not, but some gay couples choose not to have anal sex at all. Is it really that important? If so, then you two could never have a monogamous relationship and be completely happy. It seems that an open relationship is probably the best choice in this situation you have here. If you things change emotionally, then oh well.

 

[G-Lexington]

You just need to explain to your boyfriend that you're going to have other sexual partners from here on out. He can choose to either be kept informed of them or not, as he sees fit. And, he can choose whether to continue being your boyfriend or not, as he sees fit.

Lex

 

[saymyname]

There's a lot of hesitation, so I wouldn't do it. Maybe wait for a guy to come along who strikes both of you as attractive, but who knows when'll that happen. Maybe try to have a 3 way relationship? Or maybe not.

I don't know if you want to hear this or not, but some gay couples choose not to have anal sex at all. Is it really that important? If so, then you two could never have a monogamous relationship and be completely happy. It seems that an open relationship is probably the best choice in this situation you have here. If you things change emotionally, then oh well.

Things won't change emotionally... but the anal sex thing is important! I'm a top damnit! I want to fuck hot boys! And he doesn't want to get fucked... so...

 

[bankside]

Dude, I know what polyamory is. In fact, I even spell it right. While what I'm talking about isn't polyamory because there's no love involved for the other people, it's opening up, in a sexual way, what is currently a monogamous relationship. Polyamory isn't about getting fucked and fucking your lover if neither of you particularly enjoy getting fucked, so that's awful advice. Polyamory is simply having more than once relationship at a time in a consensual, open way. I don't want another relationship, just another sex partner. But to some people that's a form of poly. And FYI, my boyfriend and I do have great sex - that's not what this thread is about. It's about how to explain to your lover that you want other sex partners without them thinking it means anything emotional.

Mkay. Well, you know how to spell it right, for an American. And most people I know who have either kind of relationship would definitely distinguish between "polyamoury" and "open relationship." Anyway, good luck with that.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Then why did you title this thread "Going from monogamous to polyamorous" if you know what it means?

Four months is not a long time to be dating, or to love someone as deeply as a committed relationship of several years. Both of you are also very young, impulsive, and tops. As much as you care about them, these factors will ultimately create unbearable rifts in your relationship.

Whether you have threesomes or not, this is the start to the end of your relationship. It's upsetting to think about now, but down the road, it's going to happen and you'll hopefully be a little wiser from the experience.

 

[saymyname]

Being sexually open is a form of polyamory, and anyways, that's just semantics. Rather than make judgments about my relationship that are totally uncalled for and unwarranted, why don't you offer some actual advice? The only person to do that so far in a constructive way has been Lex.

Here are the recent developments.

He says we can go open but I can only fuck other people in one night stand kind of arrangements. This seems like a bad idea to me because it increases the chances of getting an STI and it also decreases the quality of sex. I want to have straight up fuck buddies because it's easy for me to separate sex and love, but he thinks that if I have that, then I'll eventually meet someone that will either fall in love with me or that I'll fall in love with him. I don't see how this could happen considering all of my emotional commitment is for him, and I don't think casual sex is going to create feelings for someone else. I told him how I don't think it's a good idea to stay in a relationship just because you're afraid you'll meet someone else, because no matter what, you'll always meet someone else and have the potential to like someone else... whereas he says, while that might happen, having sex with that person several times a month definitely increases the chance of turning it into a more-than-just-sex situation. I see where he's coming from, but like I said it's easy for me to separate sex from love... I've had a lot of fuck buddies where I had no feelings for them at all, and after a few weeks of the occasional fuck with them, I grow tired of it anyway.

He also brought up the whole "you're enough for me, but apparently I'm not enough for you" aspect of this, which I don't really think is fair. He knew I wanted to go open from the start, but he said he didn't think it would be so soon, even though I told him "after a few months." There's a lot of jealousy and commitment issues we have to deal with, but it's really hard to talk about this stuff from a rational, communicative, open perspective when I feel like I'm pushing him away just by talking about it. I don't want my love for him to become a burden. I know that if it came down to it, and he told me to pick him completely or none of him at all, I'd pick him, completely, and no one else. But then I'd feel kind of repressed and not free.

He also asked if he started bottoming again, would I still feel the need to fuck other guys... but I don't know the answer to that.

He's really cautious because this is how he met me. He was in an open relationship with his boyfriend at the time, then he met me, and we fell in love. So he's just worried something like that is going to happen again. But I would hurt myself before I could hurt that boy, I would never ever betray him or let anything like that happen. I just want to trick occasionally.

And for those of you coming off so judgmentally, I'd like to say at least him and I are discussing this first. I think it's a better route to take than in a good portion of monogamous situations where one of the people involved just cheats on the other.

 

[theFallenGod]

The issue I see is that he is telling you straight up ... He's not into it...

He has tried the open relationship route and been met with its pitfalls and doesn't want to go through that again.

He has given an alternative..

If that isn't enough ...perhaps you should both end this amicably and move on to something you would both be happier in.

If you want an open relationship it has to be something you BOTH agree on ...otherwise there will be a LOT of resentment when one just gives in to make the other happy.


4 months really isn't enough time to have built a strong emotional tie with someone. SO cutting your losses now would be a lot easier than say 6 months from now as things build.


And while yes it is possible to separate love and sex ... sometimes the 2 become muddled when we least expect it.

You're still young and have a lot more opportunities ahead and there are plenty of guys who would probably be more willing to let you sleep around then this guy.

I say ...move on.

 

[saymyname]

UGH!!! Why are some of you guys so quick to say end it, move on! Jesus! Neither of us want to break up with each other. We have a HUGE emotional tie with each other - we're practically best friends as well as lovers, and yes, we are VERY DEEPLY IN LOVE! Romantically! Okay! Wanting to fuck a cute twink occasionally is not a reason we're going to break up. I thought I made it clear - we have a GREAT relationship. We get along really well. We hang out EVERY DAY. I've met his parents, grandparents, etc. We think about each other constantly, etc. Breaking up is not an option. Having enough communication to discuss both of our wants and needs openly, without getting upset, is...

 

[G-Lexington]

The thing is - I don't see a good compromise here.

He's offered you outside sex if they're hook-ups. You've turned that down. He's offered you him bottoming. You don't seem to keen on that idea. You seem very specific in what you want - a fuck buddy. He's not comfortable with that.

So what to do? Maybe try it his way for a bit? Try some one-night stands, and see if they sate your desire for topping? If you take the obvious precautions, STIs won't be an issue. If you try that yout, and that does the trick, hey, win-win. If it doesn't, revisit the problem, and maybe he'll let you try it "your way". There's no guarantee he will, but the fact that you at least attempted it his way first might make him more likely to agree to it.

Lex

 

[theFallenGod]

UGH!!! Why are some of you guys so quick to say end it, move on! Jesus! Neither of us want to break up with each other. We have a HUGE emotional tie with each other - we're practically best friends as well as lovers, and yes, we are VERY DEEPLY IN LOVE! Romantically! Okay! Wanting to fuck a cute twink occasionally is not a reason we're going to break up. I thought I made it clear - we have a GREAT relationship. We get along really well. We hang out EVERY DAY. I've met his parents, grandparents, etc. We think about each other constantly, etc. Breaking up is not an option. Having enough communication to discuss both of our wants and needs openly, without getting upset, is...

I'm sorry you missed the whole point of what I was saying...

He offered you an alternative ... you said no... You want it your way and are not willing to compromise when he already is trying to give a compromise... that right there is spelling a certain doom for your relationship. It will lead to resentment that will cause more problems then you just wanting to bust a nut with new people.

I'm saying if you are unwilling to compromise maybe the best course of action... the most mature course of action is to separate if you aren't willing to compromise for him the way he is for you.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey saymyname,

Mate I dont want to seem harsh, but its seems to me that you want your cake and to eat it too.

You say repeatedly that you have a great bf... and he sure sounds like it. You say the issue is that you are a top and you need to be a top. you say this is about sex and nothing else.

So... your bf offers you a solution... hes willing to do something for you to satisfy your needs... an incredibly selfless act. Hes willing to compromise on his needs to bottom for you more.

And now you say you dont know whether thats enough??? Wheres your compromise? Wheres your desire to find a solution?

Mate, relationships take work... and compromise. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your wants a little to make things work. You sound like you have a great emotional bond, and that you love each other. Those things mate are worth way more than getting to satisfy your urge to screw other guys... especially when you can get what you need at home.

You really need to think on this mate... your bf is telling you as clearly as he can that hes not happy with your not being monogamous... and thats his right. This IS a bigger issue than you think... and its a potential relationship wrecker.

Somehow saymyname I cant really believe that thats what you want.

 

[Kyanimal]

When "My" Kev, and I, first met, nearly 27yr. ago, he was a very popular gay bartender, and a bit of a slut! Which, to be completely honest about it, was one of the things that really turned me on about him!

We don't have an actual anniversary date, because we didn't know what we were starting when I first, quite insecurely, invited him home with me. (Thank goodness I was drunk, and "inspired" by a mutual friend to even get up the nerve to ask!)

At first, he was still "seeing" other guys, more than I was, but I could totally accept that because he was just being who he was! And, I kind of LIKED that about him!

The surprising thing, after he "officially" moved in with me, was that he was having some "trouble" when I would "venture out" of our relationship. And, this was even with some guys that He had introduced me to! I was "oblivious" to his discomfort, which I didn't expect, given his past "nature", until he got pissed off enough to move out, to Miami, for a year!

He did come back to me, though. But, it was Me who was having more "Fun", than him, with "Guys on the side". When I finally realized that he was still having problems with that, I tempered down to monogamy.

That lasted for many, many, years. Then, my weird work schedule, flipping Days and Nights, began taking a toll. Eventually, "My" Kev discovered a Bathhouse very near his work. Now it is not uncommon for him to "go to the gym" a couple of nights a week. The good part of that ... he really has been working out ... and building up some incredible muscles!!

He's been having sex, oral only, with other guys, but I don't blame him, though! I'm the one that's been neglecting him, because of my weird work schedule, etc., and I tell myself that I can completely understand what he is going through. He is who, and what, He is! A sexually charged Guy. And I don't have any intentions of trying to "change" Him. I don't, necessarily, like what's happening, but I DO understand, and even LOVE Him for the Guy that He is!!

It's all a matter of perspective. I LOVE Him, as is, so much, that I wouldn't even think of trying to deny Him what it is that makes Him Happy!!

Your guy, though, is only 18! He doesn't yet have the perspective that comes with being older. I can understand why he may not completely understand where Your are coming from. I just hope that he will grant you, and him, the time to reach a better understanding. What you are experiencing, and looking for, does not seem all that "unusual" to me. For HIM, though, it may take a little more time. I sincerely HOPE that both of you will have the endurance to reach a mutual understanding, and total, "no holds barred", acceptance of each other.

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz ;-)

 

[saymyname]

The thing is - I don't see a good compromise here.

He's offered you outside sex if they're hook-ups. You've turned that down. He's offered you him bottoming. You don't seem to keen on that idea. You seem very specific in what you want - a fuck buddy. He's not comfortable with that.

So what to do? Maybe try it his way for a bit? Try some one-night stands, and see if they sate your desire for topping? If you take the obvious precautions, STIs won't be an issue. If you try that yout, and that does the trick, hey, win-win. If it doesn't, revisit the problem, and maybe he'll let you try it "your way". There's no guarantee he will, but the fact that you at least attempted it his way first might make him more likely to agree to it.

Lex

I'm just going to ignore everyone else and listen to you from now on. Everything you say is great. But to clarify, I haven't turned down his options - everything is still being considered. I'm trying to find a middle ground between what I want (fuck buddy, not too many rules) and what he'd prefer (occasional trick). As for him bottoming, I would LOVE that. I think we could start with that, but I can't guarantee it'll satisfy my insatiable appetite for ass. I can't tell him, if you let me fuck you more often, I'll feel the urge to fuck other less often - but it will probably help.

And to the rest of ya (Except Kyanimal cause i haven't had a chance to read yr post yet), fuck yall. I need constructive advice, not naysayers. We want the same thing, with some adjustments. Breaking up isn't an option, I guess you'd have to know us. And while four months may not seem like a long time to you, it's the longest relationship I've been in so far, and I have no intentions of quitting him.

 

[saymyname]

Well thank you, Kyanimal! I am a very sexually charged guy too. I'm 21 and handsome and can pretty much get any guy into bed that I want. So it's hard to feel deprived sometimes. It's cool that you and your guy have such a good understanding.

 

[Kyanimal]

I'm just going to ignore everyone else and listen to you from now on. Everything you say is great. But to clarify, I haven't turned down his options - everything is still being considered. I'm trying to find a middle ground between what I want (fuck buddy, not too many rules) and what he'd prefer (occasional trick). As for him bottoming, I would LOVE that. I think we could start with that, but I can't guarantee it'll satisfy my insatiable appetite for ass. I can't tell him, if you let me fuck you more often, I'll feel the urge to fuck other less often - but it will probably help.

And to the rest of ya (Except Kyanimal cause i haven't had a chance to read yr post yet), fuck yall. I need constructive advice, not naysayers. We want the same thing, with some adjustments. Breaking up isn't an option, I guess you'd have to know us. And while four months may not seem like a long time to you, it's the longest relationship I've been in so far, and I have no intentions of quitting him.

THAT says more to me than anything else that's been posted, here, so far!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[theFallenGod]

Why is it that over half the people come in here looking for advice and when you tell them what they should but don't want to hear they get all pissy?

There was constructive advice there in a whole lot of posts .. but you don't want to hear it...

You want people to tell you what you want to hear and screw what you need to hear in how to have a better, happier, more mature relationship.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Telling everyone else, including a moderator to fuck off only displays your continued immaturity in this situation. Nobody is trying to doom your relationship. We're just telling you to be cautious that this will jeopardize your relationship. Many relationships have ended because of drama from open situations mainly because both partners did not see eye-to-eye. Your boyfriend does not agree with your approach, and you have a very firm idea of what you want.