Nope, that's a white person thing. Just as lactose and alcohol intolerance is an Asian thing in 90% and 40% respectively.
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- Thread starter JayQueer
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Nope, that's a white person thing. Just as lactose and alcohol intolerance is an Asian thing in 90% and 40% respectively.
JayQueer
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Thank you. The thing is I don't know where I fit in the "gay community." It's totally foreign to me. I don't really have that many friends, and none of my friends are gay.
I don't have time to be in a relationship right now, though. I'm busy with studying & school.
Busy is no excuse.
If you are busy and don't have time to eat,
that would be great and would help with your weight problem.
dale_nx26 gave a very good advice.
JayQueer
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Busy is no excuse.
If you are busy and don't have time to eat,
that would be great and would help with your weight problem.
dale_nx26 gave a very good advice.
When I said I'm busy, I was referring to not having enough time to be in a serious relationship right now. I wasn't talking about not finding time to exercise or diet.
bankside
JUB 10k Club
You don't even need to have gay friends right now. Start with gay acquaintances. Friends are people who've proven themselves to you again and again when you least expected it, and that relationship goes both ways.
Acquaintances are far less complicated; just people you've been introduced to that you make a small effort to be courteous and civil to. Meet many acquaintances far and wide. It's not for the purpose of finding a relationship. It's not even for the purpose of finding a friendship. Just an opportunity to see who is out there after you meet 30 or 40 acquaintances. Nothing complicated; just people you would say hello to if you ran into them at the food court of the mall, have a light conversation while you ate lunch together, and then go your separate ways.
You can honestly tell your parents you aren't dating anyone and remind them it is a topic from the past. Let them think what they want, just don't give them false "hope" nor confirm their "worst fears."
"Let it go! I'm focussed on my school work right now!" is a good way to redirect them to neutral ground. And anyway, you don't need to decide anything about your future for the moment except to meet a whole bunch of different gay acquaintances and find out what a wide cross-section of gay people are all about. That's not your parents' battle; it's your private life.
BTW, about the weight thing...I am with a guy for 13 years and we've both put on more weight than we'd like. I'd like to lose 20kg to be honest, and tone up along the way. That doesn't affect the quality of our relationship though. Neither of us can afford to "wait until we're in perfect shape" before we feel good about being with each other and enjoying ourselves together physically.
We are working out and cutting back on dining out just a bit to do something about it, but we're not waiting until some future weight loss goal to enjoy our time together. Just food for thought (pardon the pun).
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So we're all eagerly waiting to hear how your life is going since you dodged the possibility of not being able to hang around JUB anymore by rejecting enrollment at the nomohomo voodoo clinic.
Have your parents talked about kicking you out of their basement yet and disowning you?
Have you given any more thought to shucking the shackles of your atavistic social srtructures and becoming an independent adult that conforms more to the American ideals?
What did your therapist think about the idea that the time on the couch so far had been wasted and that all your parents want is a straight son?
Have you started to cut down on those empty calories and get out to the gym in order to improve your own self-image?
Have you done anything about finding a nice masculine boyfriend (maybe one that looks like Track Palin if you get lucky!) and getting on with losing your virginity?
You've received so much pity and good advice in your threads here, but we never get to hear whether any of it has actually helped you to become more self-aware.
All your friends here want to know how it is going.
Have your parents talked about kicking you out of their basement yet and disowning you?
Have you given any more thought to shucking the shackles of your atavistic social srtructures and becoming an independent adult that conforms more to the American ideals?
What did your therapist think about the idea that the time on the couch so far had been wasted and that all your parents want is a straight son?
Have you started to cut down on those empty calories and get out to the gym in order to improve your own self-image?
Have you done anything about finding a nice masculine boyfriend (maybe one that looks like Track Palin if you get lucky!) and getting on with losing your virginity?
You've received so much pity and good advice in your threads here, but we never get to hear whether any of it has actually helped you to become more self-aware.
All your friends here want to know how it is going.
Solid Gold
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A wise man makes his OWN decisions,an ignorant man follows public opinion.
JayQueer
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It's been difficult. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and focus on other things like school & studying. We don't have a basement (most houses in California don't have basements), but I still live in my bedroom in my parent's house.
My mom cries and says that she feels sorry about all of the bad karma that I have accumulated and that now I have to pay for. My father still gets upset and says things like "I know I don't have a f*cking faggot for a son......Our family never had any queers."
I'm trying to, but it's difficult right now because I'm still in school and I don't have a job, so I'm still somewhat financially connected with my parents. After I came out to my parents, they don't trust me. They frequently call me to find out what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm with, etc.
He says that it's unfortunate. He says he wishes my parents were more accepting.
Not really. I still eat a lot of fast food. I'm addicted to Chick-fil-A.........I love their chicken sandwiches! They're so delicious........they're hard to quit.
I don't go to the gym that often. I find that straight guys intimidate me, and when I see really athletic guys lifting weights, I feel lousy & inadequate with my bulging belly fat and love handles. So I usually shy away, unfortunately.
I'm not sure I'm ready for a boyfriend yet, and I'm not sure I'm ready to lose my virginity (I'm referring to anal -- I've given oral before). I don't know if I want to have sex with any random guy. And unfortunately, a fat, overweight, clumsy Asian Indian guy doesn't typically have a lot of interested guys waiting in line.
RhyRhy
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Jay,
Change while you can now. Get a job and save up enough money to move out on your own, if you have to even let your parents put down a deposit or pay you first months rent so you will have more savings. If you are social enough and could handle having a roommate, find a roommate, or be someone's roommate. Finish your degree, meet people at your school that are gay, it's CA there has to be a Queers and Allies group or some kind of GLBT group at your school. Trust me, you don't wan't to be the self-hating, over weight gay that has a horrible relationship with his parents, been there done that, still stuck in that rut. I live in rural Missouri, right in the Bible belt, for the vast majority of my life in COUNTIES that had under 7,000 people. Try that for a conservative religious background. I realize I am kind of preaching a message of do as I say not as I do here but learn from my bad experiences. I will be turning 30 in a few months and I still cannot say "I'm gay" to anyone (other then the 5-10 people in my close network who know since I was outed) or be real with anyone in my family because I know if they knew I was gay I would get disowned, and made fun of. I would also have to give up my country life style that I love, and it's coming to the point that I am going to have to stand up for myself and chose being able to come back to the farm ride horses, be around my little cousins (who are like my kids) and between me having a healthy, positive, relationship with a MAN because that was the way I was born and there is nothing that I can change about that. I'm also going to have to start working on my weight and self-image issues. Trust me Jay you don't want to wake up and be getting ready to turn 30 and be me.
:hug:
Ryan
Change while you can now. Get a job and save up enough money to move out on your own, if you have to even let your parents put down a deposit or pay you first months rent so you will have more savings. If you are social enough and could handle having a roommate, find a roommate, or be someone's roommate. Finish your degree, meet people at your school that are gay, it's CA there has to be a Queers and Allies group or some kind of GLBT group at your school. Trust me, you don't wan't to be the self-hating, over weight gay that has a horrible relationship with his parents, been there done that, still stuck in that rut. I live in rural Missouri, right in the Bible belt, for the vast majority of my life in COUNTIES that had under 7,000 people. Try that for a conservative religious background. I realize I am kind of preaching a message of do as I say not as I do here but learn from my bad experiences. I will be turning 30 in a few months and I still cannot say "I'm gay" to anyone (other then the 5-10 people in my close network who know since I was outed) or be real with anyone in my family because I know if they knew I was gay I would get disowned, and made fun of. I would also have to give up my country life style that I love, and it's coming to the point that I am going to have to stand up for myself and chose being able to come back to the farm ride horses, be around my little cousins (who are like my kids) and between me having a healthy, positive, relationship with a MAN because that was the way I was born and there is nothing that I can change about that. I'm also going to have to start working on my weight and self-image issues. Trust me Jay you don't want to wake up and be getting ready to turn 30 and be me.
:hug:
Ryan
JayQ,
I've read your thread for a while. Your story is one of the ones that got me to post to JUB. Maybe I can help a tiny bit.
Glad you haven't given up. Self acceptace of something we have been taught is wrong is difficult. Going against our parent's values and following our personal values is difficult. My doing it is the hardest thing I have done in my 44 years. Don't wait as long as I have. One part of my case is that my dad is a christian minister. I have concluded as an adult that I am agnostic. I've not told them. It is none of their business.
It is normal for us to love our parents. They shape our world view, and provide the "nurture" part to help shape what "nature" gave us, so that we grow up to be an independent adult. Well, the best ones do. Nature gave them a gay son. But parents are people. They have hangups. They make mistakes. Their own dreams sometimes conflict with the reality of their childrens makup. They wanted a sports star. Their child loves to dance. They wanted a scientist or engineer like they are. Their child cannot grasp advanced mathematics. They wanted a daughter-in-law and biological grandchildren. Their child is a gay and children will be non-traditional.
The next time they suggest this or that counselor, imagine suggesting that they find a counselor to help them in their journey to accepting and loving their gay son. Or do it! They do need help themselves.
Sometimes, despite how much we love them, they goof up. They think they are doing something out of love, but they are really motivated by their own human failings. When that happens, parenting becomes toxic and harmful to the child's psyche. It seems to me that is happening to you. Your parents cannot accept that their dreams of a straight son are gone, and their obsession with making you into what they wanted is destroying you psychologically. Recognizing it doesn't mean you don't love your parents. It means you see them for the complicated human beings they are.
Your parent's negativity and disapproval is a primary problem for you. So in my opinion, do not, under any circumstance, involve them in your counseling. At. All. They ask about it and, you say "Counseling's well. Thanks for asking." They ask again, "I don't want to discuss it" and leave the room or say you are late and go out. End of discussion. Your relationship with your counselor needs to be a safe zone for you. They are your oounselor. Not your parent's.
Your parents reaction is not your problem to solve. It is their problem.
The individualization process is difficult for everyone. It is hardest for psychologically enmeshed children. Because: Their parent's don't want them to become independent adults! Separating yourself from your parent's needs is difficult. Their job was to get you to adulthood. They did that. But they don't get to choose your life. You do. Still, disappointing our parents is hard. But sometimes it is necessary.
Keep reading user stories here. Find a better counselor. Maybe a counselor who can spend equal times helping you individualize yourself from your parents, in addition to the gay issues.
As I said earlier, it seems to me you and your parents are very enmeshed. That is unhealthy. I've been there. I know. Untangling the enmeshment is difficult but can be done. And when it was done, something weird happened to me. My parents still loved me. And they respected me more than before. Our relationship was different, but still existed. I'm feeling the pull of that former enmeshment in my gay journey, but I intend to resit it. They had finally stopped looking at me as a boy and were accepting me as a man. You can make that journey.
Finally, you sound clinically depressed. (I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've had major depression.) Have you seen a psychiatrist? You need to. Preferably one that works with the counselor you choose. The Psychiatrist works with the chemical inbalaces in your brain at a physical level. The counselor works with your thinking. Each influences the other. Properly prescribed antidepressants can help lift the mental fog so you can start to rationally make choices instead of reacting on feelings.
Finally - weight loss. It can be done. In November 2010, I was 265 pounds on a 5'11" body. I've struggled with my weight for about a decade. Today I am 220 pounds, and still dropping. The basics are so simple, unless there is an underlying hormonal problem that an endochronologist (or whatever they are called) would figure out. The bottom line. Eat fewer calories than you burn in a day. Do that, you lose weight. Simple biology.
Doing it is hard as hell!
Eat less. Eat better. (Chick fil a tastes so good. But it is soo bad. And I question that company's social values and no longer give them my money.) Exercise. That can be walking. After you read this, go for a 5 minute walk. That's it. Tomorrow, go one minute more. Etc. Pretty soon, you're walking 10 miles and wanting to jog.
Once the first 10 pounds came off, I realized something: Nothing tastes as good as losing weight feels. I love having to buy a new pair of pants each 4 or 6 weeks.
Good luck, Jay Queer. You are a valid human being. Don't let your parent's hangups convince you otherwise.
NCDogGuy
I've read your thread for a while. Your story is one of the ones that got me to post to JUB. Maybe I can help a tiny bit.
Glad you haven't given up. Self acceptace of something we have been taught is wrong is difficult. Going against our parent's values and following our personal values is difficult. My doing it is the hardest thing I have done in my 44 years. Don't wait as long as I have. One part of my case is that my dad is a christian minister. I have concluded as an adult that I am agnostic. I've not told them. It is none of their business.
It is normal for us to love our parents. They shape our world view, and provide the "nurture" part to help shape what "nature" gave us, so that we grow up to be an independent adult. Well, the best ones do. Nature gave them a gay son. But parents are people. They have hangups. They make mistakes. Their own dreams sometimes conflict with the reality of their childrens makup. They wanted a sports star. Their child loves to dance. They wanted a scientist or engineer like they are. Their child cannot grasp advanced mathematics. They wanted a daughter-in-law and biological grandchildren. Their child is a gay and children will be non-traditional.
The next time they suggest this or that counselor, imagine suggesting that they find a counselor to help them in their journey to accepting and loving their gay son. Or do it! They do need help themselves.
Sometimes, despite how much we love them, they goof up. They think they are doing something out of love, but they are really motivated by their own human failings. When that happens, parenting becomes toxic and harmful to the child's psyche. It seems to me that is happening to you. Your parents cannot accept that their dreams of a straight son are gone, and their obsession with making you into what they wanted is destroying you psychologically. Recognizing it doesn't mean you don't love your parents. It means you see them for the complicated human beings they are.
Your parent's negativity and disapproval is a primary problem for you. So in my opinion, do not, under any circumstance, involve them in your counseling. At. All. They ask about it and, you say "Counseling's well. Thanks for asking." They ask again, "I don't want to discuss it" and leave the room or say you are late and go out. End of discussion. Your relationship with your counselor needs to be a safe zone for you. They are your oounselor. Not your parent's.
Your parents reaction is not your problem to solve. It is their problem.
The individualization process is difficult for everyone. It is hardest for psychologically enmeshed children. Because: Their parent's don't want them to become independent adults! Separating yourself from your parent's needs is difficult. Their job was to get you to adulthood. They did that. But they don't get to choose your life. You do. Still, disappointing our parents is hard. But sometimes it is necessary.
Keep reading user stories here. Find a better counselor. Maybe a counselor who can spend equal times helping you individualize yourself from your parents, in addition to the gay issues.
As I said earlier, it seems to me you and your parents are very enmeshed. That is unhealthy. I've been there. I know. Untangling the enmeshment is difficult but can be done. And when it was done, something weird happened to me. My parents still loved me. And they respected me more than before. Our relationship was different, but still existed. I'm feeling the pull of that former enmeshment in my gay journey, but I intend to resit it. They had finally stopped looking at me as a boy and were accepting me as a man. You can make that journey.
Finally, you sound clinically depressed. (I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've had major depression.) Have you seen a psychiatrist? You need to. Preferably one that works with the counselor you choose. The Psychiatrist works with the chemical inbalaces in your brain at a physical level. The counselor works with your thinking. Each influences the other. Properly prescribed antidepressants can help lift the mental fog so you can start to rationally make choices instead of reacting on feelings.
Finally - weight loss. It can be done. In November 2010, I was 265 pounds on a 5'11" body. I've struggled with my weight for about a decade. Today I am 220 pounds, and still dropping. The basics are so simple, unless there is an underlying hormonal problem that an endochronologist (or whatever they are called) would figure out. The bottom line. Eat fewer calories than you burn in a day. Do that, you lose weight. Simple biology.
Doing it is hard as hell!
Eat less. Eat better. (Chick fil a tastes so good. But it is soo bad. And I question that company's social values and no longer give them my money.) Exercise. That can be walking. After you read this, go for a 5 minute walk. That's it. Tomorrow, go one minute more. Etc. Pretty soon, you're walking 10 miles and wanting to jog.
Once the first 10 pounds came off, I realized something: Nothing tastes as good as losing weight feels. I love having to buy a new pair of pants each 4 or 6 weeks.
Good luck, Jay Queer. You are a valid human being. Don't let your parent's hangups convince you otherwise.
NCDogGuy
RhyRhy
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JayQ,
You can trust this guy! He helped me out 6 years ago so much after being outed, then my mother dying, and the shitstorms that ensued after. If he wasn't for him back then, I probably wouldn't have made it out alive.
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^ ^You'd think.
You beat me to it. But There are a lot of homos who still stick by their Chick-fil-A.
For me, it would stick in my throat knowing that I was literally supporting the homophobic nonsense of this company.
You beat me to it. But There are a lot of homos who still stick by their Chick-fil-A.
For me, it would stick in my throat knowing that I was literally supporting the homophobic nonsense of this company.
oh, the best way is to bankrupt the company.
I just google this.
http://news.change.org/stories/yes-chick-fil-a-says-we-explicitly-do-not-like-same-sex-couples
Just_Believe18
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There is some great advice on here, especially in the last few posts. Please use it to your advantage.
Your parents are the central problem to your happiness. They are the closest people in your life. The way you describe them is that they are the center of your whole universe. You need to break away from this unhealthy environment. Find a job and move out. I know you are in school full time, but people have made sacrifices to make both work. You need to separate yourself from them. Find your own space and environment. Remove yourself from your dependency from them. It's going to be hard, yes; however, you're at the point where you are thinking suicidal thoughts. So I would do everything you can to survive.
Your parents are the central problem to your happiness. They are the closest people in your life. The way you describe them is that they are the center of your whole universe. You need to break away from this unhealthy environment. Find a job and move out. I know you are in school full time, but people have made sacrifices to make both work. You need to separate yourself from them. Find your own space and environment. Remove yourself from your dependency from them. It's going to be hard, yes; however, you're at the point where you are thinking suicidal thoughts. So I would do everything you can to survive.
JayQueer said:
I hear you. Been there. Felt that. Esp. being intimidated at the gym. Here's what worked for me:
1. First change your portion sizes. Do not go to the gym. Walk if you want to. Don't change what food you're eating. Just change how much. For drinking, drop all soda cold turkey. Ditto for fruit juice. Ditto for beer/alcohol. No liquid sugar! Switch to water or unsweetened tea. Drink water like mad. When you feel like you are doing nothing but pissing, then you are drinking enough.
Just this one change should make the weight start to come off. You will be hungry. Find something you absolutely love to do and do it when you are hungry instead of eating. (Eating a CFA sandwich does not work here!)
2. After the weight starts to drop some, start to slowly change what you eat. The best swap is to replace starchy fried things with fresh crispy things. Fewer fries. More fresh fruit. Fewer carbs, more green vegetables.
3. Now start to drop categories of food. My toughest one was desserts. I let myself have dessert once a month now, and I eat half and send the rest back. Most of the time I don't want it because I like dropping weight better.
4. Once you are feeling some momentum, start adding exercise. I was serious. Walk for 5 minutes a night for a week. Then 10 minutes for a week. Then .... Gradually change. This will get more endorphins going through your brain. And more weight will melt.
The key is to establish habits for living a healthy life. Diets don't work, IMO. Conscious food choices do. You make literally hundreds or more food choices every day. Make good ones.
At somepoint, all this will stop working. That is when you start to go to the gym. Talk to a trainer and get very specific routine instructions. Put them on index cards. You want to be like a robot in there totally focused on your job, and then leave.
The key is that when you feel someone looking at your belly, you can think "Well, they should have seen me two months ago!" And, if someone really is looking at you, you can smile and say it. And then say "But, I feel good I'm doing something about it." I guarantee they will smile back and congratulate you. Maybe Mr. Universe is looking at you remembering when he was in your shape.
You can do it. You need to convince yourself you are worth it. Having your parent's constantly invalidating your value as a son and human being is not helping.
I hear you. Been there. Felt that. Esp. being intimidated at the gym. Here's what worked for me:
1. First change your portion sizes. Do not go to the gym. Walk if you want to. Don't change what food you're eating. Just change how much. For drinking, drop all soda cold turkey. Ditto for fruit juice. Ditto for beer/alcohol. No liquid sugar! Switch to water or unsweetened tea. Drink water like mad. When you feel like you are doing nothing but pissing, then you are drinking enough.
Just this one change should make the weight start to come off. You will be hungry. Find something you absolutely love to do and do it when you are hungry instead of eating. (Eating a CFA sandwich does not work here!
)2. After the weight starts to drop some, start to slowly change what you eat. The best swap is to replace starchy fried things with fresh crispy things. Fewer fries. More fresh fruit. Fewer carbs, more green vegetables.
3. Now start to drop categories of food. My toughest one was desserts. I let myself have dessert once a month now, and I eat half and send the rest back. Most of the time I don't want it because I like dropping weight better.
4. Once you are feeling some momentum, start adding exercise. I was serious. Walk for 5 minutes a night for a week. Then 10 minutes for a week. Then .... Gradually change. This will get more endorphins going through your brain. And more weight will melt.
The key is to establish habits for living a healthy life. Diets don't work, IMO. Conscious food choices do. You make literally hundreds or more food choices every day. Make good ones.
At somepoint, all this will stop working. That is when you start to go to the gym. Talk to a trainer and get very specific routine instructions. Put them on index cards. You want to be like a robot in there totally focused on your job, and then leave.
The key is that when you feel someone looking at your belly, you can think "Well, they should have seen me two months ago!" And, if someone really is looking at you, you can smile and say it. And then say "But, I feel good I'm doing something about it." I guarantee they will smile back and congratulate you. Maybe Mr. Universe is looking at you remembering when he was in your shape.
You can do it. You need to convince yourself you are worth it. Having your parent's constantly invalidating your value as a son and human being is not helping.
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^ This is terrific weight loss and exercise advice.
And it sounds like it has worked for you.
I also repeat....cut out anything that has msg in it as well...it is an excitotoxin and stimulates the pancreas to produce more insulin and the body to crave more food.
And it sounds like it has worked for you.
I also repeat....cut out anything that has msg in it as well...it is an excitotoxin and stimulates the pancreas to produce more insulin and the body to crave more food.
JayQueer said:
I hear you. Been there. Felt that. Esp. being intimidated at the gym. Here's what worked for me:
1. First change your portion sizes. Do not go to the gym. Walk if you want to. Don't change what food you're eating. Just change how much. For drinking, drop all soda cold turkey. Ditto for fruit juice. Ditto for beer/alcohol. No liquid sugar! Switch to water or unsweetened tea. Drink water like mad. When you feel like you are doing nothing but pissing, then you are drinking enough.
Just this one change should make the weight start to come off. You will be hungry. Find something you absolutely love to do and do it when you are hungry instead of eating. (Eating a CFA sandwich does not work here!
2. After the weight starts to drop some, start to slowly change what you eat. The best swap is to replace starchy fried things with fresh crispy things. Fewer fries. More fresh fruit. Fewer carbs, more green vegetables.
3. Now start to drop categories of food. My toughest one was desserts. I let myself have dessert once a month now, and I eat half and send the rest back. Most of the time I don't want it because I like dropping weight better.
4. Once you are feeling some momentum, start adding exercise. I was serious. Walk for 5 minutes a night for a week. Then 10 minutes for a week. Then .... Gradually change. This will get more endorphins going through your brain. And more weight will melt.
The key is to establish habits for living a healthy life. Diets don't work, IMO. Conscious food choices do. You make literally hundreds or more food choices every day. Make good ones.
At somepoint, all this will stop working. That is when you start to go to the gym. Talk to a trainer and get very specific routine instructions. Put them on index cards. You want to be like a robot in there totally focused on your job, and then leave.
The key is that when you feel someone looking at your belly, you can think "Well, they should have seen me two months ago!" And, if someone really is looking at you, you can smile and say it. And then say "But, I feel good I'm doing something about it." I guarantee they will smile back and congratulate you. Maybe Mr. Universe is looking at you remembering when he was in your shape.
You can do it. You need to convince yourself you are worth it. Having your parent's constantly invalidating your value as a son and human being is not helping.
This is a great advice.
I'll try to use this as an advice for discipline too.
I know it will be hard.