Guys in open relationships: are you judged?

[treanir]

In my online wanderings, I come across a lot of guys in open relationships. many profiles will say something along the lines of:
"I've been with my wonderful husband Bob for 18 years. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, we are in an open relationship. It seems like the only ones who have a problem with that are other people!!"

Now, I don't generally have sex with guys in open relationships. I'm just don't like the feeling I get from doing it. I will regularly get a guy in an open relationship who tries to chat me up. I will message him something like "thanks for the interest, but I don't really have sex with guys in an open relationship, sorry." Most guys respond with a well-meant no worries, but about one-third of the time I will get a knee-jerk response like "who are you to judge us? It's my life to do with what I want!" or something similar. Which, I hope you see, is totally disproportionate.

I get the feeling that quite a few guys in open relationships (1) feel the need to repeatedly point out that they love their partner, (2) are defensive in their profile about being in an open relationship and (3) think that by not wanting to shag them I am automatically judging them.


My question (yes, there's a question!): are guys in open relationships really judged that often and that harshly, or am I just chatting to insecure defensive pricks? I personally have never talked to anyone who thinks it's principally wrong, so I would say it's the latter. But I would like to hear your thoughts about this.

 

[genthree]

An open relationship means you will do until something better comes along.
Also I don't like getting a call saying we can meet up in half an hour or whatever, I am not into blow and go sex at their behest.

 

[Corny]

An open relationship means you will do until something better comes along.

I believe that's quite unfair to say. I have met a few people in open relationships who have been together 5 or more years. They live together, one couple is even building a house together. Still .. I'd keep it like treanir - I wouldn't want to have a hookup with one of them. Probably because my definition of a relationship is different and I would feel like doing something wrong, from my point of view - even if I know it's ok for both of them. And here comes the tricky part: they have to accept that. And if they get bitchy about that, they are hypocrites.

 

[slnattak]

Once you find something you really enjoy, you naturally stick with that something unless something better comes along (a rare thing since you've found something you really like). You're actually happy in a true, core wholesome way- (not the narcissistic version of happiness which isn't happiness AT ALL but its fake imitation)

So bad relationships can have this narcissistic bent to it where you always feel like there's something better around the corner. You might feel u have to prove that your relationship is fine to everybody else, even though it's just this image thing you're projecting.

Like in college, people are trying to find themselves. We have to let people breathe and to be themselves and to understand what they like. But after awhile, people are expected to 'grow up' and settle down: gay or straight.

If you can't hold a consistent relationship down, or a job- that means you have some sort of disorder with your empathy levels. You are unable to look past yourself. Everything is about your constant search of happiness and a 'perfect ideal love' that can never be fulfilled. Which is also another part of narcissism. Wanting ideal love and this 'perfect life' with another person, that doesn't exist.

I realize though that I make other people feel guilty too much because I am frequently morally chastising others like a grandpa-y old gay man. And I'm only 28. I just look at this in a pure way. Not everything is about you. Just like not everything is about me. Love is about what two people do to each other and be loyal to each other. It's holding their hand and saying 'You know what, I'm going to stick by you even when life is hard. I might love to dart my tongue in your asshole, but I still want to be there for you if u get sick and aren't always sexy.'

"and since you really make me happy, there's no need for me to search online to find a man that I want. YOU are the one that does it for me so why would I need to spend so many hours flirting/getting to know all types of guys. I love you so much that that's not even a concern to me!"

that is true love, both romantic and loyal and devotion. that is the sacred, pure love we all want. And yes it's rare. Most people are gonna be....standoffish with you at best. but when we find that special person for us, it's great isn't it. =)

I hope we all find our love!

 

[Deandbn]

Guys I think you are generally confusing love, lust, and sex.

I have an open relationship with my lover.

I have lived with him for 25 years now. Not only have i lived with him, but he is also my active partner in the business we started 25 years ago together. So we live together and work together 24/7/365, and no, we dont have other things to talk about in the evenings because we already know what each other have been doing during the day.

Love, yes well i still love him to bits and would'nt change him for the world. No, not ever, and as far as I know he thinks the same about me. We both say our relationship is based on trust and respect.

I however do not own him, nor him me.

So, being a regular guy, you know, a hunter who needs to find the bit of fresh meat he lusts over every now and again, i go and hunt it down and have it for breakfast.... or maybe even dinner,... and sometimes we even share the kill.
But this is called lust, and once my lust is quelled, i go back to revelling in the love of my partner.

You want to know if i tell him about these conquests?... Of course i do, I tell him about it first and ask his advice, we then discuss the kill before doing the deed, and I even phone to let him know if im gonna be home late so he doesnt worry about me, and of course i provide the same services for him.

He usually doesnt want to know all the gory details and neither do I, but if he should do, I have nothing to hide.

Proviso's :

1. He always comes first, and so do i. So if i ave made an arrangement with A.N.Other and my lover wants or needs me around specifically, I always cancel or re-arrange my date with the third party to put my lover first.
2. The lustee or third party is always told the truth about my relationship before any dates are made.

So to answer the OP's question.

I think that we are often judged.

That is usually because of insecurity, jealousy, lack of wisdom or experience, making the fatal mistake of thinking you own your partner (dont do this ever).

 

[treanir]

^ You explain the nature of your relationship and then say you're often judged. So I wonder: how did you arrive at this conclusion? Or are you referring to slnattak's posts?

I have to admit that when I said I have never come across anyone who thinks it's principally wrong, I was forgetting about JUB. But in real life no-one has ever told me they think open relationships are wrong. Have you, Deandbn?

 

[sixthson]

The defense that "we don't own each other" is bogus, in my opinion. Fake, in other words. That argument says "I give you my heart, but the rest belongs only to me".

I believe that open relationships are not honest because the one thing they are not about is relationship. Unless, of course, you consider being roommates a relationship or a friend with benefits as a relationship. In that case, you have to redefine the terms.

The love relationship between two people (a couple) is unlike any other relationship. This relationship encompasses the physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual. No other relationship does that. The parent/child relationship, despite the intimacy and enormous level of committment it requires, does not include all of this i.e. physical love. Even the closest of friendships cannot reach the level of dedication that one of romantic love can/does.

I wonder how many people who are in open relationships could sustain the relationship if there was no outside sex allowed. I'm sure most would say they could, but I would question their honesty. They are going outside the relationship for sex and they expect us to believe that all the other needs and desires they have are being met within it. BTW, needs and desires work both ways. We don't just take from a relationship, we have the need and desire to give to it, as well.

To the question of who has the right to judge open relationships, I would say this: people only ask that when they fear the judgement goes against them. They don't have a problem with someone saying they approve of open relationships, which is also a judgement call, is it not?

Lastly, whenever discussions of sex arise, someone will inevitably accuse those who disagree of making sex a sacred thing. Sacred means set apart and worthy of reverence. That is the honor and devotion that only true love can know.

 

[Deandbn]

@trenair
Well, mostly online, you get people who are looking at a date from the point of view of a possible LTR, when i am only looking for a one night stand, tend to take it badly because it doesnt suit their interests.

It doesnt worry me much though, because i just say NEXT....

 

[Deandbn]

Sixthson I love youto bits my special, but you're very OCD.

The defense that "we don't own each other" is bogus, in my opinion. Fake, in other words. That argument says "I give you my heart, but the rest belongs only to me".

Quite correct, all i can give is my love, and all of me belongs to me and always will.

I believe that open relationships are not honest because the one thing they are not about is relationship. Unless, of course, you consider being roommates a relationship or a friend with benefits as a relationship. In that case, you have to redefine the terms.

Quite correct, one has to define the terms of a relationship to suit the parties involved. NOT other peoples norms or expectations.

The love relationship between two people (a couple) is unlike any other relationship. This relationship encompasses the physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual. No other relationship does that. The parent/child relationship, despite the intimacy and enormous level of committment it requires, does not include all of this i.e. physical love. Even the closest of friendships cannot reach the level of dedication that one of romantic love can/does.

I am not sure where you're going here Bud, but you're gettng quite heavy. Maybe this is your idea of love??

I wonder how many people who are in open relationships could sustain the relationship if there was no outside sex allowed. I'm sure most would say they could, but I would question their honesty. They are going outside the relationship for sex and they expect us to believe that all the other needs and desires they have are being met within it. BTW, needs and desires work both ways. We don't just take from a relationship, we have the need and desire to give to it, as well.

They probably could not because it would become stale and boring after so many years. In our relationship we give love, trust, respect, support, and probably a shoulder to cry on too. And no i dont think all of anyones needs can be met from within a relationship. Life is dynamic and situations change. Besides we all have different fetishes.

To the question of who has the right to judge open relationships, I would say this: people only ask that when they fear the judgement goes against them. They don't have a problem with someone saying they approve of open relationships, which is also a judgement call, is it not?

Lastly, whenever discussions of sex arise, someone will inevitably accuse those who disagree of making sex a sacred thing. Sacred means set apart and worthy of reverence. That is the honor and devotion that only true love can know.

Sex is not sacred bud, get over it, millions, no billions of people fuck for whatever reason every day in or out or across relationships.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, the judgement brigade has swooped in I see.

There is no right way to have a relationship. All those (many many, many) monogamous relationships with cheaters, using the logic of the "only my kind of relationship is a real relationship" crowd - would seem to prove that all people who are monogamous are cheating liars.

Would it not. Really if monogamous relationships were so very special, why would anyone ever go elsewhere? LOL Please. You build a relationship to suit the people in it. There is no generally approved template to be used. If you don't like the way we've defined ours, sucks to be you.

It works for us, that's all that matters.

To the OP, I don't feel the need to do any of the things you said in your first post. If people don't like my relationship, I really don't give a good god damn.

 

[TX-Beau]

...Quite correct, one has to define the terms of a relationship to suit the parties involved. NOT other peoples norms or expectations...

Damn, beat me to it.

By the way, you live in the Netherlands, really, don't assume people in the US have the same attitudes towards sex and relationships that y'all do.

Assume a deeply conflicted old fashioned protestant sex=sin complex married to some Hollywood movie fantasies and you won't be far off.

 

[Deandbn]

I think i like you lots Tx-Beau

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

I wonder how many people who are in open relationships could sustain the relationship if there was no outside sex allowed. I'm sure most would say they could, but I would question their honesty.

Turn the question around. How many people in a relationship where outside sex is not allowed could sustain a relationship that required outside sex? It's about being in the relationship that makes both people happy. All relationships come with conditions.

The basis of my open relationship is that we love, respect and honor each other first, no matter what. We both want to have relationships with people that offer us something the other doesn't (me with men, her with men and women). It doesn't diminish our love for each other. And it doesn't change our commitment to each other. We still enjoy sex with each other on a regular basis and always end up in our own bed at the end of the night (though, occasionally, we have a "guest" in the bed with us )

Based on some of the responses to this thread, I think the answer to the question is, yes, we are judged.

On the other hand, I think there are plenty of guys looking around online that say they are in a open relationship and are lying about it.

 

[mbamike]

Yes, guys in an open relationship and married guys also are often judged harshly by other guys when hooking up outside of their relationships.

Personally, I don't care if a guy is married or partnered. His relationship with his partner or spouse is his business. If he is on a hookup site looking for sex, then I'm willing if we click.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, being in an open relationship isn't the same thing as cheating on your monogamous partner.

 

[Seasoned]

In my online wanderings, I come across a lot of guys in open relationships. many profiles will say something along the lines of:
"I've been with my wonderful husband Bob for 18 years. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, we are in an open relationship. It seems like the only ones who have a problem with that are other people!!"

Now, I don't generally have sex with guys in open relationships. I'm just don't like the feeling I get from doing it. I will regularly get a guy in an open relationship who tries to chat me up. I will message him something like "thanks for the interest, but I don't really have sex with guys in an open relationship, sorry." Most guys respond with a well-meant no worries, but about one-third of the time I will get a knee-jerk response like "who are you to judge us? It's my life to do with what I want!" or something similar. Which, I hope you see, is totally disproportionate.

I get the feeling that quite a few guys in open relationships (1) feel the need to repeatedly point out that they love their partner, (2) are defensive in their profile about being in an open relationship and (3) think that by not wanting to shag them I am automatically judging them.


My question (yes, there's a question!): are guys in open relationships really judged that often and that harshly, or am I just chatting to insecure defensive pricks? I personally have never talked to anyone who thinks it's principally wrong, so I would say it's the latter. But I would like to hear your thoughts about this.

Just as people are free to define their relationships, you are free to chose whom you will and will not have sex with. You'd never find your own relationship if you only had sex with guys already spoken for.

 

[treanir]

Interesting responses guys.

I guess what I really wanted to ask is: are people in open relationships judged so harshly that a knee-jerk response like "you can't judge me!!" is warranted? Or am I just coming across yet more internet behaviour? (I suspect the latter, but if not, then people should really stop judging others)

By the way, you live in the Netherlands, really, don't assume people in the US have the same attitudes towards sex and relationships that y'all do.

Assume a deeply conflicted old fashioned protestant sex=sin complex married to some Hollywood movie fantasies and you won't be far off.

Most of the guys in open relationships who give me the "you can't judge me!!" response are from the Netherlands as well.

But I get your point. We don't care as much about what a person does behind closed doors.

 

[superboypr]

Maybe I'm too old-schooled but I will never share my man with any other guy that may come along the sidewalk. I think that relationships are based on trust and confidence, an open relationship can't give me that.

Sometimes I think that people on "open relationships" try to find on others what they're partners can't give them. I also think that this may be something to risky due to the fact that STD's are becoming very common among the population. NOW, that's scary.

But, like I said before that's my opinion. What other people think about anything it's my duty to respect it. But, I will NEVER share my man with any other "hot guy" that comes along.

I have a boyfriend and we have this rule that we must break up before cheating. I find that very honest. :-D

 

[ladude2011]

I dont really understand why anyone would have an open relationship. A relationship is supposed to be with two people. To each his own though, just not something I would ever do. My parents have been together for over 40 yrs, would never consider cheating with someone else. I want what they have someday.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sometimes I think that people who insist that their way is the only way and toss around ill informed and frankly condescending assumptions on other people are hopelessly insecure.

Such is life.

...but that's JUST my opinion...

Please.