Help! Big age difference...Does it matter?

[lonelyheart500]

Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing well. I posted a thread here called "Some advice please.." a few months ago. So this post is sort of an update to that one...

I have been with the same guy for about 11 months now and we are doing well together. He appreciates me and loves me and cares very much about me. We have adopted a cat together and have discussed things like getting a home together, and all that stuff that comes along with a relationship. I truly love him as well and care very much for him. He means so much to me and we spend lots of time together.

The problem here arises because I am 24 years old and he will be 38 in a few weeks. I have been thinking a lot about this age difference lately and have been thinking that I could perhaps be with someone closer to my age and still be happy. But I am so happy with him, the only thing is the age difference and the issues that it may bring in the future. I would never cheat on him and look for someone else as long as I'm with him. So either I should stay with him and be happy because we are happy together and love each other, or ditch him and start all over again in search of someone closer to my age...

I could not even think about leaving someone who loves me and holds me so tight at night for someone else...Basically, finding someone closer to my age would benefit me, but I would lose someone so important to me. What should I do?? I would feel so selfish if I did something like that and right now, there is no one else that I would rather be with in the world. But by staying with him, am I shutting down the possibility of finding someone younger? I don't know what to do... Should I take action or should I stay with him and be happy? Please, any advice would be great...

Thanks so much everyone!! take care

 

[landers]

Why do you need to find someone younger?

 

[WYSIWYG]

Dude, age is just a number. If your happy with your mate and you love one another than stay in the relationship!

hmmm 24 and 38, well I am 62 and my husband is 31, (May 25th). We have discussed our age differences. I told me he might want to be with someone younger, or close to his age. He says he knows true love when he feels and sees it and we will tackle me and him getting older when the time comes!

Just because your younger does not mean anything. Life is to short to drop someone who loves you, and you him...to just drop him and 'start over'!

 

[tallguy297]

Does it matter? Only to you lonelyheart only to you.

So you need to be very clear about how you feel because no one else has any need or right to say otherwise. If you truly love this guy and want to be with him stop worrying and live in the moment. Enjoy what it feels like to be loved safe and happy... the future will sort itself out... and most likely not in any way that you imagined.

If you love this guy it matters no more than how tall or short you are... just give him all your heart and be as happy as hell!!!!

 

[taintedxt]

I'm 19 and I'm with someone who is 30 but I never let our age difference affect our relationship. Of course dating him would cut out all possibilities of "better life partners" but that's the case for everyone. You can date someone who is 24 or around your age and still you will find someone who is better and more attractive than him. There will always be better candidates out there if everyone decided to think like you, the whole world will be in doom. The main point being is that even if you do find someone around your age, do you think there will be less problems in the relationship? If you love being with this guy, stick with him and love him with all you can because once you leave this guy, it's going to be a bitch to find another person.

 

[Telstra]

24 and 38 is not that big age difference.

ideal is under 10 years difference.

 

[rareboy]

You are already in trouble if you are speculating whether you should move on just on the basis of finding someone closer to your own age. You've got one foot out the door already.

Sorry this relationship didn't work out.

 

[Luka]

Age is a big deal to me. However Im 20 and have been talking to a 34 year old, but I dont know, I think it would be a problem for me personally.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Hello again everyone and thank you very much for your opinions. I really appreciate all of them It's true that age is just a number and that we have to live in the moment and do what makes us happy "at this moment in time". Also, it's true that time will take its course and sort everything out eventually. Only time can tell right? Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I do love him very much and he feels the same. He keeps me safe and sound. He is away on vacation now and even took some pics of me with him so he can think of me while he's gone. The reason this whole thing came up about age difference is simply because I am a human being, and as a human being I question myself and the decisions I make sometimes.

I think that I just have the need (or the feeling) to explore what else lies out there. What other people exist...I'm curious, I guess....Is there a better match for me somewhere? Don't we all ask ourselves these questions?? But I am a very faithfull and honest person and would never, under any circumstances cheat on someone. I mean, to leave behind the happiness that we share together and all the things we want to do together in the future simply because I have "this feeling".... I don't think it would be right..I guess that everyone searches for a "perfect" match for themselves, or "the best" match for themselves. But in reality there is no perfect match, or perfect person out there...

Any more opinions would be great!! You guys rock!! I think that I will let time take its course now, stay with him, and see how that goes. Thanks again everyone and take care!

 

[kooman]

if your thinking about leaving him it seems that your not that in love.
because your thinking "should i or should i not"
if you truly loved him you would be like
"fuck it"

 

[KaraBulut]

I think that I just have the need (or the feeling) to explore what else lies out there. What other people exist...I'm curious, I guess....Is there a better match for me somewhere? Don't we all ask ourselves these questions??

Yes, everyone asks themselves these questions.

For some it is because commitments are difficult to make.

For some it is because they aren't convinced that they deserve someone who really loves them.

For some it is because they're like a dog who is always scratching at the door because he can't decide whether he wants to be in or out.

For some it is the "What if..." fantasy belief that there could be something better.

Your original question was about age difference. Age is a number. Maturity is another thing altogether.

You are 24, so you know how old you are. The question now for you is whether you're a mature grownup who can make a commitment.

 

[Lube]

I think that I just have the need (or the feeling) to explore what else lies out there. What other people exist...I'm curious, I guess....Is there a better match for me somewhere? Don't we all ask ourselves these questions??

It sounds more like a lack of experience on your part, rather than a concern about age differences.

Have you had many (any?) serious bf's before this guy? Have you had sex with many guys? If not, then you probably do need to experiment before settling down. But this has nothing to do with age.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Hey again everyone and thanks for your responses once again. Yes, this is in fact my second real boyfriend. The first one was verbally abusive and too controlling. He was two years younger than me and he always wanted me to be with him and with no one else. He cheated on me twice and I found out because he told me he did. I never loved him. We never speak anymore. We were together for 2 months.

I don't mean to generalize at all, but I find that older guys (like the one I'm with now) tend to be more honest, less "out there" and somewhat more mature. I find that younger guys may have the tendency to "cheat" more that older guys, maybe because they want to explore and are less experienced. But this may vary greatly from individual to individual. This is just from what I have seen and so don't let it get to you if you don't feel the same way

I have not had sex with many guys. I have only had sex with my previous boyfriend and the one I am with now. My current boyfriend is not so much into sex as I am (unfortunately). He's always tired and it happens maybe once a week...The last time I wanted it, I had to drag him to the bed, but we had fun.

I am an honest person and would never cheat. But I do admit that I really would like to experiment with other guys (maybe closer to my age), but not at the cost of losing my current boyfriend. I guess, maybe that's how I'm feeling now...I just cannot shake that feeling off!!! It's sort of like an internal feeling and no matter how much I love my boyfriend, it remains within me. Plus, I'm young and there are lots of good looking guys out there. It sounds crazy but its true. Anyone share a similar experience? Anyone ever feel the same?

Take care everyone!

 

[thelaw2047]

Well here is a formula that I am willing to share with those of you whom the age factor of your significant other may be an issue. Take your age and divide it by 2. Then add 7 to that number and it will give you the age range that you should date. Hope this helps some of you guys.

 

[Kurn]

Just a little bit of yeast:
Must all relationships be binary? 1+1=1?
If the relationship is excellent but needs something more, why not 1+1+1?
Or (1+1) + (1+1)? And so on.
But, to lonelyheart: Careful there---you might be the one who hears the good-bye, see-ya-later. 38 can be hot-stuff in many ways. He might dump you for someone younger, even.
Just stick to the rule of Respect/Love for everyone's well-being.
And don't be afraid to say 'No' to any entrancing opportunities.

I don't know you; this is just a hunch. It might be way-off.
Good Luck to you both!!

 

[Lube]

OK, lonelyheart500, so the real issues come out. Thanks for the explanation.

Yeah, if you're not satisfied with your bf's sex drive now, it's probably only going to get worse. It sounds like you don't have a lot of experience (2 months is not a serious relationship in my book), so maybe you jumped into exclusivity with this bf too soon.

You could have a heart-to-heart conversation with the bf, but my guess is he's not suddenly going to want more sex. Maybe you could cool it off for a few months (or open it up)--but for a defined period. So you could experiment a little. If he really is "the one", you'll go back.

But make sure your experimentation is only for a defined period. I mean, the grass is always greener on the other side, so at some point you have to make a commitment that he is the one.

 

[Yngbldhwk]

Lonelyheart500: Good grief -- when he's 74 you'll only be 60. Seriously, in my mind, there's only two questions you should ask yourself. (1) How do you feel when you're with him? And (2) How does he feel when he's with you? If the answer to both those questions is positive, then you don't have too much of a problem.

Being 38 years old is not a reason for not wanting sex. While it's possible he may just have a relatively low sex drive, you might want to explore with him why he's usually too tired for sex. There may be some other issues that aren't out in the open.

 

[EvilForce]

You are already in trouble if you are speculating whether you should move on just on the basis of finding someone closer to your own age. You've got one foot out the door already.

Sorry this relationship didn't work out.

Agreed. When you are in love age honestly doesn't matter. This relationship is toast.

It's why I stick by my assertion that men by in large are simply undatable until around age 30. I think teen angst for some hangs around until their mid twenties, that the moment life is good, and it seems stable, they implode it to pieces because of self-destructiveness. God knows I did.

Not to be too morbid, but a very good friend of mine, and a roomate in college actually broke off a relationship with an older woman because he thought she was too old, and since he looked very young for his age felt "weird" because he was 23, she was 39 at the time. He broke up with her, found a girl closer to his age, and married her....for 2 years. He was 27 at the time his wife, 30. She died of cancer. None of us know if we are going to be hit by an errant bus tomorrow. We can only live for today, and deal with tomorrow when it arrives. You cannot live in the future, nor the past, merely the present. But some people try desperately not to.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Hey all! Here's my story...

When we first met, he told me he was 28 and I believed him. Of course, this was when we first chatted. I was like, well that's not such a big age difference...So, when I met him, I could easily believe he was 28 because he could maybe pass for a 28 year old. I was happy.

I started falling in love with him and we did so many things together. Watched movies, went for supper, went places, helped each other with our problems, slept together, cuddled, etc...I loved hugging him, kissing him, holding him, etc. So, time went by and every day I was more in love with him. He is a quiet, easy going guy and I could not really tell how he felt about me. How were his emotions for me evolving? Did he love me? Did he care about me? Was he just using me? I always cook for him, bring him lots of nice things, surprise him, take him out sometimes, text message him, call him, make his lunch for work, etc...

All our time we spend together is at his place (apartment) cause I still live with my parents and my dad does not accept me for who I am. Then, eventually down the line, after about 3 months, I found out he was really 37 (although I had started guessing it was so because there were clues everywhere). At one point I was even afraid to ask him how old he was cause I didn't want to be shocked or make him think anything of his age in relation to my age. So, he probably just lied to me at first when we chatted to lure me in. I think this was wrong on his part. But maybe, when we first chatted he was thinking "What the hell, I may as well lie about my age! Who knows if we'll ever meet up anyways.." When I found out he was 37, I was a bit sick to my stomach because I felt betrayed in a way, but this did not change how I felt about him. Although I did wish he was in fact 28.

So, I told him one evening after we came home from a restaurant that I loved him. I could not hide how my heart felt and even wrote a poem for him. He didn't say the words back, but instead just told me that he really cared about me and that I was so sweet. I was a bit disappointed, but whatever. I felt so stupid at that point. This was around the 6 month mark. So, it was always me saying "I love you" for about a month after that. Then one day, he said it back. I was so happy.

He is not a very emotional guy and does not express himself the way I do. For example, when we talk on the phone, I will tell him everything about my day and he will listen and just say a few words here and there. But now, he has opened up his heart to me and I can feel it. I still have to squeeze those three words out of him sometimes....but he is so happy whenever he sees me. He calls me from work, he holds me so tight at night. He has removed the armor he once wore that shielded his heart. He has become so sweet with me, but it took so much work!!!

So, now it has been about 11 months that we were together. All of the sudden, I feel this inner urge that I cannot control. I still love him very much, but I feel unsatisfied, for some reason. What could this be? Yes, its true that we do not have sex very often (maybe once a week) and that he is older than me...Yes, its true that he is not as expressive and emotional as I am and that he is a bit lazy cause he works a lot. But these things did not stop me from falling in love with him. Maybe there is a lack of excitement in our relationship? Maybe we need a little more spark? He appreciates me and loves me and I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I can hear it when he talks to me. But, now there's something wrong with me...I'm sure that if he could, he would decide to spend the rest of his life with me. I gave him a ring a in our second month of relationship (as a gift) and now he calls it our wedding ring cause he still wears it. But, there is this inner feeling within me that makes me feel unsatisfied and unhappy. I don't know what it is..He has done nothing wrong. He treasures me. I feel the need to want to explore what else is out there, to meet other guys, even though I love him...Is this the feeling people get when they cheat on their partner? Could there be something missing in our relationship that makes me feel this way?

Anyone have any ideas?? I don't want to make any mistakes and lose something so precious because of this unknown inner feeling. Thanks again for your support everyone.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Lonelyheart,

Sometimes its harder to be honest with ourselves than it is others... but it seems that through this thread you are slowly coming to terms with how you really feel about this relationship.

And I can tell you straight up... what you feel is not about age... its simply the state of your relationship. And its something that you need to face... with your partner.

What you are talking about here are simply issues of difference... difference in sex drive, in the way you express emotion and in your level of contentedness. They are the issues of compatibility and compromise... and those issues will affect every realtionship you enter into. And thats something you need to comes to terms with quickly... for your own good.

Every relationship sooner or later is faced with issues... some big some small. No two people are ever 100% compatible and equally shared compromise is the glue that binds people together. The decision you have to make is whether or not you are willing to accept that here.

You cannot live your life wondering whats out there... there will always be someone better... but there will always be someone worse... and you can waste a lifetime figuring that out with mistake after mistake. Our lives change and our desires change and so what we think we need changes. But in reality the core values of what we crave are always the same... love support freindship and companionship. Its only the wrapping that changes.

You need to talk to your partner. You need to be honest with him, you owe it to him and yourself to explain how you feel so that he might also tell you what he feels. Honesty can be so hard to face especially if you love someone... but respect is the only way two guys can make a relationship work.

There is no way I would tell you to stay in a realtionship that you didn't feel happy in. But leaving one to see if the grass is greener is a recipe for a life time of loneliness and unhappiness because you will never be satisfied.

You have to work at what you have no matter who its with. Its perhaps a sign of your lack of partners and you are yet to understand the value of what you have... its really natural and understandable in younger guys... and if you look at your past the only difference between your previous partner and yourself is that your moral code tells you not to cheat... not to scratch that itch... and thats really important and something to feel very proud of.

But its something you need to get under control... because until you do you will never find the happiness and contentment you deserve in your life.