help! should I tell my BF?

[Just_Believe18]

Hi JB,
I can honestly say that it did just happen and was not "wilful"... stupid yes, but certainly not intentional.

I didn't make eye contact with him before, during or after. Couldn't even tell you what he looked like. It was my fourth time in the steam room and I've never seen action before so didn't really think about it as anything other than an opportunity to check out some other guys (with the intention of looking only). I don't even see it as a sleazy gym, it's very gay but I've honestly never thought about it before.

I admit I was semi-hard (as I often am after working out) and I should have done something to stop it. I did naively put myself in this situation but I honestly didn't know how to stop the guy... it might sounds stupid but it's the truth.

So you were semi-hard in front of everybody in the steam room? Didn't you wear a towel to cover yourself? Or do you find it okay as a monogamously partnered gay man to expose yourself to other gay men who are willing to blow random strangers? You know this kind of thing happens in gay gyms.

And how could you not know what he looked like? The guy was sucking on your dick. It's not like the steam room was pitch black. His face and mouth was right there. Are you trying to tell me you let someone old or disgusting blow you? Or was this a hot, muscled stud you couldn't resist to push him away from your dick?

Again, I find your reasoning deceptive. You refuse to admit it was willful and intentional, but you did nothing to stop it. If you let it happen, you made a willful choice to allow the behavior to continue. I feel sorry for your boyfriend. I'm not so sure you are going to tell him afterall.

 

[bankside]

Thanks averageguy, I think I agree with your comments the most... I'm not going to beat myself up about it and I have definitely learnt from it. My BF is the only guy I've been with and who knows maybe I was just curious or in a moment of weakness. I don't think it matters.
Anyway for the record I've 'banned myself' from the steam room and in fact am looking at changing gyms to somewhere less cruisy... bit difficult to do in WeHo though!

Thanks everyone else for giving some clarity.

Cheers

Good question Kara, which is why I'm not going to put myself in that situation again... I think I got into the situation because I didn't really think of the consequences. I don't normally go into the steam room at the gym (this is maybe the fourth time in over a year that I've been a member) so am a bit 'inexperienced' in the subtelties of cruising...
Cheers

Of course you did something wrong, and it was obvious that you wouldn't tell your boyfriend because if you were the kind of person who would tell your boyfriend, you would have punched the guy in the head when he started diving in like you were a lollipop.

You delivered excuses just in time to get over your guilt and you found some way to forgive yourself.

Because it is all about you. It doesn't matter that your boyfriend should have the power to decide about the future of your relationship because you will prevent him from getting that power. It should be his choice whether it is a big deal or not, which is the right you gave him when you agreed to be his monogamous boyfriend.

Oh, and about that, the only mistake is that you are not in a happy monogamous relationship. At least you know that. Your boyfriend is in the dark.

 

[Luka]

How immature

How is that immature? made me get over it within a few hours, i loved it when he begged for me to get back together with him. But when u cheat on someone with a girl who u supposedly like, guess what!

 

[trav83]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I want to let you know that I've decided not to tell him. I know I'll be judged on this forum as a coward and a cheating bitch but it was such an insignificant indiscretion that I think it would be stupid to risk throwing away everything we have built together. I really think this is the right decision for both of us. Telling him will relieve my guilt but won't help him at all. Not telling him means that I will have to live with what I have done forever - which is what I really deserve.

Thanks again xx

PS we had sex last night and it was great... I feel more in love with him than ever because I know how close my stupidity brought us to loosing everything.

 

[Luka]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I want to let you know that I've decided not to tell him. I know I'll be judged on this forum as a coward and a cheating bitch but it was such an insignificant indiscretion that I think it would be stupid to risk throwing away everything we have built together. I really think this is the right decision for both of us. Telling him will relieve my guilt but won't help him at all. Not telling him means that I will have to live with what I have done forever - which is what I really deserve.

Thanks again xx

PS we had sex last night and it was great... I feel more in love with him than ever because I know how close my stupidity brought us to loosing everything.

WOW I hope he finds out, poor guy. I hope you get what you deserve!

 

[sixthson]

but it was such an insignificant indiscretion that I think it would be stupid to risk throwing away everything we have built together. I really think this is the right decision for both of us.

We can only assume that your bf trusts you. That is not an insignificant thing. Does it feel insignificant to you because it was a blow job and not fucking or because it was not a planned affair?

I think you came here expecting fellow JUBbers to ease your conscience. You probably got that. I don't believe you should be so quick to absolve yourself and the great sex you had last night proves nothing. Whether you choose to tell him or not, this is not something you should be so quick to forget.

 

[guyinla]

if you even need to think that you should tell your bf, you know what you did was wrong. rationalizing that you shouldn't tell him because it would hurt him a lot and it was insignificant is crap. you just don't want to risk losing everything over your lapse of judgment. you're being selfish. i hope he finds out and when he does, he dumps you.

 

[bankside]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I want to let you know that I've decided not to tell him. I know I'll be judged on this forum as a coward and a cheating bitch but it was such an insignificant indiscretion that I think it would be stupid to risk throwing away everything we have built together. I really think this is the right decision for both of us. Telling him will relieve my guilt but won't help him at all. Not telling him means that I will have to live with what I have done forever - which is what I really deserve.

If it was really so insignificant, there should be no problem telling him, because he would be willing to laugh it off and put it behind him, right?

If it was really so insignificant, that's what you would have done if it was him getting blown in the sauna, right? You would have just let it go and moved on, with him at your side, right?

If he blew things out of proportion and got all emotional, then that would be his issue, because it is no big deal. His drama, his problem. If he tried to pull a guilt trip like that, you would even be better off without him, because after all, it is no big deal.

Thanks again xx

PS we had sex last night and it was great... I feel more in love with him than ever because I know how close my stupidity brought us to loosing everything.

That is without a doubt the creepiest thing I have read in 5 years of lurking or posting on JUB.

Imagine how much more you can feel in love with him if you do something even stupider, like bring him home a disease!

 

[Jory]

Question for those who think that he should be dumped for getting a blow job do you think Hilary Clinton should have dumped Bill Clinton for getting the same thing?

 

[Luka]

Question for those who think that he should be dumped for getting a blow job do you think Hilary Clinton should have dumped Bill Clinton for getting the same thing?

Hmm i dont think that has anything to do with this topic really.....

 

[Jory]

Your right ^ he only had one blow job


When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7

 

[HylianPride]

gosh, what a predicament you have here. but it looks like you made your decision already, so there's not much to say now.

what really is the right thing to do in a situation like this. some people say full disclosure is the foundation of a successful relationship; others believe there's no point in making a big deal out of something so insignificant. i kind of believe its a mix of both. it goes without saying that you don't have to tell your significant other EVERYTHING that you do, but doesnt being in a relationship essentially mean two people sharing a life together, and as such, anything that involves both of you should be shared? and i'm thinking a blowjob from someone who isnt your boyfriend qualifies as something that affects you both.

something tells me you were never planning on telling your bf about this, and that you just wanted someone here to justify not telling him to make you feel less guilty. thats a real shame cuz it shows that you don't have any respect for your bf and the 5 years you spent together. if you did, then you would tell him, and if you were truly sorry that any of this happened, i see no reason why you couldn't be forgiven. but now you'll have to ask yourself everyday "what things could he be hiding from me"

 

[Blacksheep]

It was a big thing in my opinion. Having said that all that telling someone does is ease your guilt and fuck up their life. Provided of course you realise that you have fucked up and aren't going to do it again.

In all honesty though some things don't add up. I may be prudish but I personally wouldn't sit around with a visible half erection in front of a group of guys and I'm single, I certainly wouldn't do it in a relationship. It sounds to me like you were actively seeking this sort of attention be it conscious or not. I'd personally do some soul seeking and think about just how committed you are to your partner.

It isn't a big deal if you are never going to do it again and will recommit yourself to your partner blah blah blah. But if it's going to be a catalyst or it leads to you thinking about other guys then I'd talk to him before you act on it and explain that you are curios and jumped into a relationship too early and want to explore. Then he is on even footing rather than you having cheated on him.

 

[texpatriot]

I've been with my BF for 5 years, we own property together and have a dog, and we are in a happy, monogamous relationship and I love him very much...
BUT
I was in the steam room at the gym today and this guy leant over and started giving me head... I didnt know what to do (and besides it felt good!) so I just let him go for it. Now I feel terribly guilty. It's the first time anything like this has happened and I definitely don't want to do it again.

My question is: Did I do anything wrong? and should I risk our relationship by telling my BF?

Appreciate your thoughts

xx

First off, what type of gym are you going to where strangers feel comfortable enough to blow other men in the steam room?

Why do you go there if you have a boyfriend?

I'll admit that I've done some pretty stupid shit when I've been in a relationship with someone, and often times it was because I wasn't getting something at home.

However, with that said, sometimes there are things better left to yourself.

But you're not helping your relationship here.

If you tell him, it becomes a trust issue, and a possible wedge that prevents the two of you from ever getting closer, either because you feel guilty, or if he found out he wouldn't trust you any longer, and worse, you're not the person that he thinks that he loves.

Put yourself in his shoes.

How would you feel?

Would you want to know?

Why?

I think that we've all done some pretty stupid shit from time to time, and a lot of it hasn't been very considerate of who ever we're seeing at that time.

At this point, I'd suggest that you find a different gym, and avoid any temptations.

 

[conrad]

A strict rule for me is that what happens sexually between two consenting adults should be viewed as personal and private. I have never offered information about my sexual history to any new partner and I have never asked about my partner's past. It helps to keep that aura of mystery about sex generally and one's partner in particular.
What happened to you should remain in your memory but would serve no useful purpose for your partner. I assume that you are meaning to be a faithful partner and rather expect that of him also. Don't look for trouble by revealing your lapse at the gym.

 

[954dude]

gosh, what a predicament you have here. but it looks like you made your decision already, so there's not much to say now.

what really is the right thing to do in a situation like this. some people say full disclosure is the foundation of a successful relationship; others believe there's no point in making a big deal out of something so insignificant. i kind of believe its a mix of both. it goes without saying that you don't have to tell your significant other EVERYTHING that you do, but doesnt being in a relationship essentially mean two people sharing a life together, and as such, anything that involves both of you should be shared? and i'm thinking a blowjob from someone who isnt your boyfriend qualifies as something that affects you both.

something tells me you were never planning on telling your bf about this, and that you just wanted someone here to justify not telling him to make you feel less guilty. thats a real shame cuz it shows that you don't have any respect for your bf and the 5 years you spent together. if you did, then you would tell him, and if you were truly sorry that any of this happened, i see no reason why you couldn't be forgiven. but now you'll have to ask yourself everyday "what things could he be hiding from me"

I agree, but things will turn out how they were meant to be. You never know what the future holds. Maybe his boyfriend will find out. Maybe he'll tell him. Who knows?

 

[HylianPride]

A strict rule for me is that what happens sexually between two consenting adults should be viewed as personal and private. I have never offered information about my sexual history to any new partner and I have never asked about my partner's past. It helps to keep that aura of mystery about sex generally and one's partner in particular.
What happened to you should remain in your memory but would serve no useful purpose for your partner. I assume that you are meaning to be a faithful partner and rather expect that of him also. Don't look for trouble by revealing your lapse at the gym.

i'm a little confused by what u mean. it seems you're saying that you dont feel its necessary to bring up any past sexual experiences with someone your dating. i think we can all agree with that, after all, talking about all your hot shags one night over dinner doesnt seem like a smart decision. but this is a different situation, he's been in a serious relationship for 5 years, so it goes without saying that any sexual indiscretion (and that's what this was) shouldn't be kept a secret.

I agree, but things will turn out how they were meant to be. You never know what the future holds. Maybe his boyfriend will find out. Maybe he'll tell him. Who knows?

this is true. nobody here knows with full certainty what will happen.the only person who can have any influence over the outcome of this is mr. trav83. all we can do is just sit back and watch (and some popcorn wouldnt hurt either)

 

[Luka]

A strict rule for me is that what happens sexually between two consenting adults should be viewed as personal and private. I have never offered information about my sexual history to any new partner and I have never asked about my partner's past. It helps to keep that aura of mystery about sex generally and one's partner in particular.
What happened to you should remain in your memory but would serve no useful purpose for your partner. I assume that you are meaning to be a faithful partner and rather expect that of him also. Don't look for trouble by revealing your lapse at the gym.

I think you should let every new person you have sex with know ur sexual past, its good to know. And if a guy wont tell me i wont bother with him.

 

[ephram314]

To the OP: It's your decision I guess. If I were your boyfriend I would want to know though. I would be mad at first, but then happy you told me and willing to forgive you, because it was such a minor mistake compared to other possibilities.

However, if I found out later, and you didn't tell me, I would dump you. I can handle a small mistake, but I can't handle a liar. The whole basis for a relationship is good communication. I really think it does more harm than good to not tell him. If I were you I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't forgive a small mistake, because let's face it, they happen now and again, especially after 5 years.

A strict rule for me is that what happens sexually between two consenting adults should be viewed as personal and private. I have never offered information about my sexual history to any new partner and I have never asked about my partner's past. It helps to keep that aura of mystery about sex generally and one's partner in particular.
What happened to you should remain in your memory but would serve no useful purpose for your partner. I assume that you are meaning to be a faithful partner and rather expect that of him also. Don't look for trouble by revealing your lapse at the gym.

I disagree. I like to talk about past sexual encounters with my partners. Not in great detail, but at least the gist of their previous situations. If they were a slut in the past, I want to know. If they've only had 2-3 encounters I also want to know. Not that either of these situations would turn me off of the person, it's just another way to get to know your partner better, what they like and what they're comfortable with. I would be worried if they didn't want to tell me at least some basic info.

 

[Ninja108]

uh, cheating is never insignificant and the fact you view it as such questions me about how much you value your relationship. As to telling him, only you can make that decsion but if you lvoe him, you'll take a long hard look at the things you've posted... and give yourself such a nice pat on the back and say it's over and done with. Just my option of course.