Helping a friend's brother! What to do?

[screwnutty]

Hi guys!

I need some help/advice here or at least some points of views regarding the current crisis in my life...well not my life per say. I just tell you the story and see what you guys (and gals) think.

I just got off the phone about 5 mins ago. I was talking to a friend of mine who's concerned over his younger brother. The brother is 20 years old. Anyways My friends brother has been having some problem with friends, school, his parents and being a fuck towards my friend. He's apparently spreading rumours that my friend and his girlfriend broke up, doing drugs etc. You think it, he's most likely done it. The brother has also broken up with his first girlfriend. They lasted about 8 months. My friend is still friends with the girl (in fact he introduced the girl to his brother!) and wanted to say sorry for things not working out and would they still be friends. I guess during this talk the girl asked if (the brother) was gay? He was shocked and I guess she said the following things...

1) They never did anything alone together
2) He never touched her or anything and when she went to touch him, he'd pull away
3) At parties he would always disappear or get totally wasted and start fights...

etc.

well my friend never really thought about what the girl had to say was true or anything until yesterday (Tuesday). He was using his dad's computer (the family computer) and notice that limewire was active. He checked out the link and found a gay movie being downloaded (He said it was gay by the name of the clip which I can't remember right now) and seeing as nobody but his brother was in the house, decided to ask him about it. He did and his brother said that he was getting it for a friend at school. A catholic school at that. well my friend didn't completely buy it and told him that if mom or dad found this on the computer they would freak!! So the brother said he won't do it again.

end of story right.....

wrong

My friend (against my wishes) decided to snoop around on his brother's computer. he found over 2 gigs of movies and pictures of gay activities on his brother's computer.

which leads to the phone call tonight. My friend is worried about his brother, upset with him, angry with him and thinks he needs a counselor or something. Withe the fights at school and the avoiding long term friends etc. So he told his mom about what he found on his brother's computer (this is where I found out for the first time that both of these guys were adopted!) So the mother just said "Oh well that would explain the mood swings and bad behaviour. Just leave him alone and let him figure it out.!"

My friend was shocked! So he calls me. asks me if I could talk to his brother or at least give him any advice to help his brother.

Which brings me to you guys. I'm new at this. I'm not even full out of the closet myself! I don't know what to do...yet I'm compelled to help because I know it feels like to not be like "normal" people. I know from experience the feeling of being alone and not having other gay people to talk to etc.

So sorry for the long post, but I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts about this matter. What would you guys do?

thanks in advance guys!

 

[wendigo3]

It sounds like the best thing would be to tell the brother (the one in question) and tell him that there is nothing wrong with him and that you'd be happy to talk to him if he has any questions about anything. Just be there for him and help him figure it out.

Don't take it as an opportunity to screw the guy (literally) and see what he feels afterwords either. Not that you'd do that sort of thing, but you never know.

 

[screwnutty]

Don't take it as an opportunity to screw the guy (literally) and see what he feels afterwords either. Not that you'd do that sort of thing, but you never know.

No you don't need to worry about that! I'm not that type of a guy! I guess I just don't know what to say to him...plus my friend still has to figure out a way for me to meet him. I don't like the whole ambush or intervention idea. I need to stress that I've never meet my friend brother or his family yet. I've only known my friend for about 5 months now give or take. Anyways thanks wendigo for posting!

 

[Smitho]

I would be a bit closer to the mothers advise, of let him have time to work through it, and I agree with you an ambush meeting is not a good idea.

My one suggestion is what about an email to the brother (the young / gay) just letting him know your are there if he wants to email / chat etc, about anything, then you are letting him take it as his own speed. In the email be open that you are gay, and would like to help him with questions or whatever.

Have you ever met the brother (young) or not?

 

[Kyanimal]

Sounds like "Mom" has a very good outlook about it all! She does sound "Right", you know! And, with that, I would think "Little Bro" is in pretty good hands, overall!

But, given "Big Bro's" concern, and your friendship with him, and his concern for "Li'l Bro", and his desire for "helping out", I'd say go along with a meet! Talk it all out! Be honest about Everything! And chances are, the cards will fall the way they are supposed to go!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Roland00]

Don't ambush him and tell him of what happened with all the info.

Don't ambush him and tell him you are there for him.

Do tell him (if he doesn't already know) that you are gay, and be a good example for him. Do so indirectly so that he doesn't know you are telling him this because of the info you found out about him.

Provide an oppurtunity to him if he wants to use it, he needs to move at his own pace. Trying to force him "to straighten out"/stop having fights/stop having problems will not stop any problem what so ever. It may do nothing, but at the same time there is a very good chance of resentment and further detachment not just from friends but from family.

By providing a good outlet that the gay brother can take when he is ready, or if things get bad, will most likely prevent the most negative possibilities, and allow the gay brother to have a good ending, with time.

------------------------------------------------------

YOUR friend, (the one who isn't gay but has a gay brother) is the one who has a REAL PROBLEM. He wants to fix everything, he wants to make it alright, tell him to get off his high horse and chill. His intentions may be good, but forcing change when a person is not ready for it, only makes the situation worse. I understand it is his brother, he wants the best for him, blah blah blah. His intentions are good, it isn't his life though, making unwelcome waves in something that isn't his business is invading the gay brother's personal space. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES exist for a reason, they won't exist if you dont' respect them.

------------------------------------------------------

The mom is wise beyond her years, amazing, is it age, being a mother, or just the unique person, that grants her such wisdom and experience

 

[Aflute04]

Hmm if I were in this situation and an older (though, not by much ;-) ) guy started talking to me about being gay... I'd be kind of afraid. This is a fragile time for him... I think from his actions, he is trying to get people to dig deeper to find out about him. But I could be totally wrong...

I agree with roland... let him know you're gay without letting him know that you know he is gay. I'd steer clear away from the whole 'im here if you need me' that might make him nervous and whatnot.

Momma knows best. Just let him know that you are gay. If he wants to seek you out, he will.

Best of luck!

 

[3nipples]

I think it's a bad idea for you to approach the brother. If he's having trouble coming out to himself then having your friend and you gang up on him isn't likely to produce the results you're hoping for.

 

[screwnutty]

Yeah, I kinda agree with the idea that it's a bit creepy, the whole "I'm gay, talk to me any time!" approach. Especially for a guy in this vulnerable condition.

I would advise your friend that you're more than willing to help out his brother if he wants it, but that you don't feel comfortable being introduced to him on those terms. Perhaps your friend can let his brother know that you're there if his brother ever expresses a wish to talk things out.

thanks everybody for the help! Thirftybat, I like your idea the best! Next time I talk to my friend I'm going to use your advice!

 

[rareboy]

So the mother just said "Oh well that would explain the mood swings and bad behaviour. Just leave him alone and let him figure it out.!"

She sounds like the smart one in all this.

 

[latinoguy19]

She sounds like the smart one in all this.

Yeah, she does, and I think you would be totally justified in talking to him. When I came out my mom and dad were on me like hawks ( I didnt come out to them per se but they were suspicious from my internet activity) and it was hard not having a gay guy to talk to, so yeah go ahead.

It could make a world's of difference.

 

[bluedragon4]

How are you at 31 friends with 20 year olds? Did I miss something? I did get a bit confused reading the post. anyway, why does the one brother care so much? Can't he let his brother figure it out on his own? I can't believe he went to there mom!!! That was wrong.At least she was cool about it.

 

[Alive and Free]

Sounds like the closet is being really hard at him , time for some social contact with other gay men.

 

[Roland00]

How are you at 31 friends with 20 year olds? Did I miss something? I did get a bit confused reading the post. anyway, why does the one brother care so much? Can't he let his brother figure it out on his own? I can't believe he went to there mom!!! That was wrong.At least she was cool about it.

He is friends with the straight guy, both of them are about 31. Straight guy has a younger brother who is about 20.

Straight guy went to the mother of both of them and told her. Straight guy is having the blinders of being an older brother and wanting to help his younger brother, good intentions, but not letting his brother come out at his own pace and/or ganging up on him will probably make things worse.

Make sense now?

 

[screwnutty]

How are you at 31 friends with 20 year olds? Did I miss something?

Ummm...How at 31 years of age do I manage to hang out with 20 something year olds. Well it's simple really. We have the same interests and hobbies! The younger brother is 19 or 20 and his older brother is 21 years old. I have friends that go as low as 16 years of age and I have friends who I also hang out with that go as high as 72 years of age. I'm a people person!

But to answer your question as to how I can become friends with 20 something year olds, it's simple.

1) I play Magic the Gathering card game and I'm a Judge at my local shop where we play. Meet all sorts of ages of ppl that play magic the gathering! check it out if you have never heard of the game before.... www.magicthegathering.com

2) Video Games. I have an xbox 360, PS 2 and I game online and in tournaments. I meet friends there and we game. We hang out together cause were usually a team (for GOW, Counterstrike, Halo 2 and now Shadowrun )

3) I volunteer at my local hobby store and I run the Dungeons and Dragons games during the summer for people who like to role play! I'm the head dungeon master (game master etc) for D&D, Call of Cthulhu, Rifts, Vampire, Star Wars and Army of Darkness gaming group. So I meet alot of people that way

4) Since I volunteer at the store, I'm second in command when the owner isn't around. Once again meeting kids, teens, parents and everybody that come in to the store to buy gaming products, new age stuff and used books.

5) Board Games, I love board games, Risk 2210 and Settlers of Catan being my favourite. I play with these same guys at the store during the weekends if I'm free.

tons of other stuff too but I don't think about age when I'm making friends. Friends come in all shapes and sizes and one can never have enough friends!

 

[spreadeagle]

Since the possibly gay younger brother is clearly accessing gay-oriented material from the internet I suggest you get his email address from your friend and simply email him a link to JUB - what could be simpler?

 

[Aflute04]

my roommate LOVES risk 2210 and settlers of catan.
I learned how to play them over Memorial Day weekend...Several times.

 

[screwnutty]

Since the possibly gay younger brother is clearly accessing gay-oriented material from the internet I suggest you get his email address from your friend and simply email him a link to JUB - what could be simpler?

Excellent point Spreadeagle! Wow can't believe I never even thought of that! *slams forehead*

I'm seeing my friend on Sunday so I ask him then! Wow. Thanks guys for all your advice I appreciate it alot!!!

 

[screwnutty]

my roommate LOVES risk 2210 and settlers of catan.
I learned how to play them over Memorial Day weekend...Several times.

Yeah I love board games! Wow love to meet your roommate but alas your in Fargo!

I played in a sanction frontline game once and managed to come in first place. My prize was a new game style where alien blobs attacked the earth. So you were left fight these "aliens" and your opponents as well! It's an awesome game. My favourite of all the different versions of risk out there. (star wars, transformers, Risk Godstorm)

Now that Xbox 360 has this on live. I bought it and it's awesome! No longer do I have to worry about trying to find other players to play with me.

my third game that I love to play! If you ever want to play a game that feels like your actually in "Night of the Living Dead" meets "Army of darkness". This tile based game is for you!

anyways back to topic at hand!

 

[3nipples]

Excellent point Spreadeagle! Wow can't believe I never even thought of that! *slams forehead*

I'm seeing my friend on Sunday so I ask him then! Wow. Thanks guys for all your advice I appreciate it alot!!!

Actually that's a pretty good idea. Your friend could just leave explorer open on a jub page (this forum) and let his brother find it.