How can I be comfortable being gay?

[Kyle3000]

Hi, I'm having a few problems accepting who and what I am. It's really annoying me that I can't be comfortable with something I want to change. It's like my head it straight but my heart is gay (lol).

The way my brain works is rather homophobic, I feel that we're a minority (Not being able to have children, People thinking we're disgusting etc...) yet there are some people who simply say "Screw the haters" - Those are people i want to be like. I want to be happy with who i am and not have to keep it a secret from my friends and family. Even now I cringe writing this yet know deep inside its something I want to achieve.

I'm constantly trying to improve myself, looks-wise, education-wise and just improve at my favorite hobbies, but I just can't achieve being comfortable with who I am.

My mother knows, but it's completely not spoken of, ever. I even told her by a drunken email. I didn't want to say anything face to face. I'm not a shy person, i'm very loud but not camp. It's a sort of surprise when people find out i'm gay. (I even cringed typing the word 'gay' in that last sentence since I don't fully accept myself) But then again, i do try to act straight. This isn't something I want at my age.

My friends speak about it to me and I just try to change the subject, even usually telling them i'm not even gay.

I'm a person who always worries about how people see me, i'm very paranoid about people and couldn't kiss another male in public. Without saying "Just don't care what they think" or "Screw them" - How can I be comfortable with myself? What can I do to make me not feel embarrassed about what people think of me?
How can I be one of them guys who say 'I don't care' and genuinely don't care since when I say it, it sticks in my head all day depressing me.

Thanks.

 

[HunterM]

You have to face your fear. It's all in your head. Posting your feelings on here is the first step in the right direction.

Go meet and make more gay friends. Volunteer your free time at your local gay and lesbian non-profit organizations. Hear their stories. Learn how they coped with it. Educate yourself on this matter. Being gay is not the end of the world. In fact, your world just might open up for the better...because you're living your truth.

 

[ruicostarp]

Hi,

Maybe this can help you:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360299

 

[glasvegas]

Good luck on that dude. May both of us finally be comfortable of the label 'gay'

 

[Telstra]

It takes time ............. some people need more time and others.
As long as you keep reading/talking/thinking about the issue is a start.

 

[BFizzle]

Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever you have to do, just accept it and live your life in whichever way is the most comfortable and fulfilling for you.

 

[FanofFiction]

Man, I was exactly where you are (except my mom loved it when she found out). I'm a very religious person, many of my old friends were very conservative, I grew up in a very conservative province of Canada... I hated gay people. They scared me. I thought they were less than human... but the truth is I really only hated seeing myself in them.

After coming out I realized some of the coolest guys on the planet are gay (or bi). I lost a few of my old friends, but the truth is I made better ones in their absence. I'm more comfortable with who I am and overall a much happier person. It is so liberating to be who you really are. It's a little uncomfortable at first, sometimes awkward... but after you get used to it... It's the best man. It really is.

Also, I'm not being bossy here, just making a suggestion... Alcohol is a depressant. If you are already depressed, you should consider staying away from it for a little while. It might give you a quick fix and cheer you up in the moment, but the side effects are dangerous.

Make some gay friends. Treat yourself to little pockets of gay culture (some gay cinema or music), a gay novel... Let yourself experience the positives (which are far more than just sex).

 

[refujiunderground]

thanks for making this topic because i'm in the same boat as you and i too am looking to accept myself because i'm having difficulty in doing so.

well, one thing that i've done that probably might help you is to go to an lgbt center and try to get some counseling if it's available. i live in an area which doesn't offer much lgbt support related services though but i'm within the metropolitan area of a city that has many resources since it has a large gay community. i did that recently and am currently in the process of going to meet up with a peer counselor to talk to about this exact issue. hopefully, i can get started as soon as possible. do look into that though because you might benefit well from it or it might steer you in the right direction with getting some help in dealing with accepting that you're gay.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

I don't feel comfortable doing pda in public either, or flaunting it... But I am completely comfortable being gay.. Everyone needs to find their own balance.. Mine is never hiding it or avoiding it..

 

[borg69unimatrix]

First and fore most, you need to realize that being gay is WHAT you are, but not WHO you are.

It's just ONE of MANY facets that makes up who you are as a PERSON.

Please embrace it as a PART of you, but don't let it be the one defining thing that you label yourself by, or allow others to label you as.

 

[silverbelt]

I agree that probably the best thing to do is just be around other gay people. When I was 17, I started talking to this guy on the net. He was partnered, but we got along so we decided to catch up for lunch on his break. He ended up inviting me back to their place for dinner. I met his partner, we had a pleasant meal and then he drove me home.

Five years later and we're still great friends.

Seeing them together, being a couple, with a house, pets, jobs… just living normally; that was the first time I ever felt like being gay wasn't really so different. There are those who choose a promiscuous, party life (just as some straight people do) and there're those who just take the typical family path.

Now with my own partner, a house, a full-time job and a new puppy… I feel like my friends helped me be comfortable enough to settle into my own path, just by proving it was possible in the first place.

 

[Paws]

Not being able to have children

Why do some people assume that being gay makes you impotent?

 

[BFizzle]

Why do some people assume that being gay makes you impotent?

Probably because of all the attention surrounding it. Who wouldn't want to feel impotent though? It sure beats feeling unimpotent.

 

[ibill1]

I agree that probably the best thing to do is just be around other gay people. When I was 17, I started talking to this guy on the net. He was partnered, but we got along so we decided to catch up for lunch on his break. He ended up inviting me back to their place for dinner. I met his partner, we had a pleasant meal and then he drove me home.

Five years later and we're still great friends.

Seeing them together, being a couple, with a house, pets, jobs… just living normally; that was the first time I ever felt like being gay wasn't really so different. There are those who choose a promiscuous, party life (just as some straight people do) and there're those who just take the typical family path.

Now with my own partner, a house, a full-time job and a new puppy… I feel like my friends helped me be comfortable enough to settle into my own path, just by proving it was possible in the first place.

I was in a loving relationship for 35 yrs. since I was 17. I'm greatful I never had these issues because even at 17 it seemed so normal to love each other as much as we did. Thats what we had, the same house for over 30 yrs., pets, jobs, family and friends. When you achieve this, or meet other guys who have first, you'll see it doesn't matter about anyone else who doesn't share your happiness.

Read the post above whenever you feel you are alone in wanting to love another man and feel quilty about it. It's the greatest thing in the world for us gay guys and will happen to you if you let it.

 

[geloge]

First, I would ask a mod to move this thread to coming out and relationships forum.

Second, the process to come in terms with sexuality is different for everyone. I started telling some friends and they were very supportive, finally I didn't feel the need to hide it. If you can't find your way to self acceptance don't feel shame for looking for professional help.

 

[Adrock-JD]

I know it's difficult.

Keep in mind that there will be people who like or dislike you no matter what.

Remember that it's not necessary to broadcast it to the world.

Acceptance and tolerance of ourselves is the most difficult but most rewarding challenge we face.

That goes for everyone: gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever, whoever.

 

[DigitalFudge]

Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever you have to do, just accept it and live your life in whichever way is the most comfortable and fulfilling for you.

^^ Fantastic advice


Stop being hard on yourself. How people view you is none of your business.

The only opinion that matters is the one you have of yourself.

Say: "I am so fucking disgusted with myself and I cannot stand it"

Pause.

"This is the way I feel"

"It is okay to feel whatever comes natural to me"

"I am going to take it easy"

"I am going to be less hard on myself"

"I am going to give myself a break"

"I am where I am and it is perfectly okay"

Then just keep going until you find a sense of relief.


No one can tell you how to love yourself. It is your job to be good to you.

 

[chrisrobin]

Congratulations. By asking the question, you are well on your way.
To begin with, I have some philosophical contributions to offer:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ― Eleanor Roosevelt

"You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here." ― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

"Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends
with anyone else in the world. ― Eleanor Roosevelt
.....................
Hang in there, guy!

 

[CowboyBob]

Give it time, it does get better. One day after you accept yourself for you and what you are you'll say "screw the haters".

What others think about you isn't important as what you think about yourself. When you come to realize you can't change and there's nothing wrong with what you are, you'll see things differently.

 

[Dolmance]

Establish precisely who and what you presume yourself to be at this moment of time in your own mind. This may be problematic, as our self perceptions can often be very ephemeral (i.e. subject to change at a moment's notice), then try to establish what you want to be; what status do you think would make you feel happy and fulfilled as a human being professionally, romantically, personally? And be fearless in this; if you find yourself throwing up fear-based denials or second guesses, and you'll know when you do, shout them down; don't allow them to mire you in comfortable or familiar miseries.

Self definition is a constantly shifting, protean thing; we find ourselves unhappy when we attempt to pin it down and attempt to define ourselves by what we cannot be or achieve. For many LGBT individuals, this is a fantasy of leading a "normal" life, being straight etc. All you need to do to prove the lie of those concepts is talk to any straight person, watch any straight married couple. There is no such thing as "normal;" there are only the states and conditions that you feel, dread and desire, which will likely change as new conditions and contexts become available.

Do not hang every ounce of your self definition on your sexuality; you'll be amazed at what a remarkable incidence it is to getting on with your life. Only others can make it any more than the trifling issue it is, and if they do, fuck them; they'll have demonstrated how small, petulant and lacking in character they are.