How do I get my best friend back?

[Robster]

I have a huge problem and wanted to get a gay man's perspective on the whole thing. I searched for a gay forum on the internet and found this one. So here it goes...

A few years ago, I joined a rugby team through which I met my best friend. I'm straight and he's gay. I had never even known any gay people until I met him but we instantly hit it off and began to hang out all the time. Our relationship is somewhat similar to a brotherhood. His other friends are mainly all girls and I have to admit that I have somewhat taken advantage of this on nights out. He's always been nothing but cool with me hooking up with his friends and sometimes encourages it. In the last few months I met his close friend who was living in Berlin for the past five years. I had never met her before but had heard everything about her throughout my four year friendship with him. The moment I first met her I thought she was beautiful and had an incredible personality too. One thing led to another and we hooked up. He found this kind of funny even. But now that my friendship with her has turned into a somewhat serious relationship, he's been acting really distant.

I don't know what to do now. I've tried talking to him about it but he always changes the subject and it turns into an argument. I asked my girlfriend about it and she said that he likes me as something more than a friend, and has ever since we've known eachother. This has made me paranoid about everything. I want my friendship with him back but I don't know how to approach the situation. He's the only person I ever really trusted until I met my girlfriend and I can't lose him. His other friends are now telling me that he's acting pretty reckless in his sex life too and I'm getting really worried about him. I just want him as my friend again. I feel like I'm been put in the position to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend.

How do I get everything back to normal? How do I get him to accept me and girlfriend's relationship? How do I tell him that I can't be in anything more than a friendship with him without sounding arrogant?

Also, is it normal for a gay guy to be promiscuous all of a sudden after being openly gay for years? Is it normal to have unsafe sex in a gay environment in this day and age?

I know that's a lot of questions to be asking but any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks,
Rob.

(< I just wanted to use that cause I think it's hilarious!)

 

[KaraBulut]

How do I get everything back to normal? How do I get him to accept me and girlfriend's relationship? How do I tell him that I can't be in anything more than a friendship with him without sounding arrogant?

Also, is it normal for a gay guy to be promiscuous all of a sudden after being openly gay for years? Is it normal to have unsafe sex in a gay environment in this day and age?

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

You can start by changing your assumptions- it's not about you and it's not about you getting your friend back.

It's about you being a friend to him in his time of need.

You can't make assumptions about what is going on with him. That's something that is ultimately his issue to deal with and it's up to him to tell you what is wrong. Guys are tempted to try to "fix" things when sometimes we just need listen and to be there.

Instead of trying to make this about you- you need to make it about him. Just tell him, "I don't know what is going on with you but I'm still your friend and I will always be here for you when you want to talk. I miss our friendship."

If he doesn't want to talk and doesn't want your help, then leave it be. Sometimes people just need to go through what they are going through.

(< I just wanted to use that cause I think it's hilarious!)

Feel free to mimic it in the Show Yourself Off forum.

 

[bankside]

More than just the friendship that you both have, it is possible he also sees in you the same things your girlfriend notices. You can't be made to choose however, because as a straight man you can't offer him the same relationship that you can offer her. There is no choice.

He doesn't have to like that. But if you are honest about being straight, that's the way it is. And I think he will get over it in time, so I would not make an issue of it. This is the most important time to trust him by giving him the chance to get over it.

One more thing...it is often difficult for a gay man to accept his situation and his own attractions. Compared to a straight man, this can make it more complicated for a gay man to be confident in dating and find a good match. He could be jealous not of her, but of you. If you were very close when you were both single, it could be frustrating that you have found someone while he has not.

If he is putting himself in danger by sleeping around, tell him not to be so stupid, to ease up, and to tell you what's wrong. Yes it is his choice, but all of us should expect our friends to tell us when we're being idiots. If you ask him about it, you're only doing your job as a friend.

In the mean time, let him be and be friendly to him and give him a chance to adjust, to show you and your girlfriend his better character.

 

[Newmercedes]

Bob You awesome Dude. I wish I had a friend like you. I really care about my EX best friend- EX roommate but I don't think He cared for me as much as I did. If I have a great friend like you. I will def keep our relationship for ever.

 

[maxpowr9]

If I had to deduce something from this, he most likely has a crush on you. Your girlfriend is an affirmation of your heterosexuality (or at least the "straight" part) which he basically took as the rejection of him. This rejection lead to self-destructive behavior or in the lowest form, seeking attention from you. I also wouldn't past your girlfriend and that she probably talks highly of you to him and that hurts him even more [Think about the third wheel]. I don't know how old you are but I am going to assume you are fairly young. I would almost contemplate that he probably has not been in a serious relationship with a guy (hooking up is not a relationship) despite being out "for years".

I don't like stereotyping at all but I think many gay and lesbians alike go through at least one "straight" crush in their lifetime. I had a straight crush in high school and a similar situation happened. I became very depressed when he basically rejected me and I acted out for attention because of it. I eventually got over it, even without closure to our friendship but it is something that sticks in the back of my head forever. Whether you can salvage your friendship or not is solely dependent on him. He needs to realize that both you and your girlfriend care about him. If he doesn't want to accept your help or platonic love, you need to just let it go.

 

[bullwing413]

ok, I have a question for you as a straight best friend. My best friend is straight. All my close friends are straight. In fact, except for my partner, I don't know many gay guys. My friends, like you do your friend, love me a whole lot. They tell me it all the time. They say they'd take a bullet for me. I know I would for them. So, my question for you, as would be for them, is if you'd take a bullet why wouldn't you just have sex with me as well?

I somehow do get it. If that's what he wants to try -why not? It won't change either of you. I suspect that he's jealous of the physical intimacy you're sharing with his best girl friend that he will never attain with either of you. I can tell you it hurts him at some very deep level to not have had that when someone else has. So now, both his best friends are sharing what he can't have with either of them. I also think it makes sense that he's being "promiscuous" as it deadens the pain and makes sex seem perfunctory and not intimate. It makes it seems that what the two of you (you and the girlfriend) are doing isn't really all that special. It probably also makes him feels desired in a way which you two don't want of him. Not only is he being cut out of each of your most intimate selves, you're doing it together to him! Someday, people will realize it's just sex but when there's love and sex then that's where the real fire is. Think about your answer -why can't you be physically intimate with him? BTW, I'm not saying you need to or you should, but you should have a good answer and ..."i'm not gay" is not a good one --think some more. How far does bromance get to go?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I hope you're the face of a new way of social interaction between gay and straight. Perhaps it's always been there but it's nice that you're here writing it.

Your friend may be heartbroken and unfortunately he is the only one who can fix it. Some people mistake kindness and fraternal love for romantic love. I've had female friends tell me I gave them mixed signals. Really? How? When I introduced you to my monogamous partner?

We can't get into his head, but maybe he's had it bad for you all these years and it went over your head because it wasn't in your realm of possibilities. He was ok with you hooking up perhaps because the two of you would banter about it. Now, with a serious girlfriend, your sexuality is suddenly cut off from him.

I think you can do a few things if you're willing to work. Keep reminding him you have no intention if losing your best friend and brother. Tell him you're concerned about his recent behavior and be willing to go to counseling with him. That may sound weird, but the principles if couples counseling can apply to friends or siblings.

If what we all seem to be surmising is true the only solution is fir him to put on his big boy pants and get on with life. This is about him and his choices. If he has a wide circle of friends and if he is seriously out of control you could get together and have an intervention.

He may be unconsciously pushing the envelope to see if you'll abandon him, or in some way forcing you to do so. This could all be about abandonment issues that he's not aware of or has any idea how to control.

I think the best approach is to continue to offer your friendship. Insist on a friendship. Call him on his shit and continue with your life. He needs to come to his own realization that he needs some help. A brother can tell a brother what he sees and how that makes him feel. If he behaves like a prick let him know it and let him know that while you hate his behavior you love him. The rest will be up to him. I hope he realizes he has a lifetime of support by keeping you close. Don't let this make you crazy. It's going to be up to him.

I'm glad you wrote and good luck with both relationships.

 

[rareboy]

ok, I have a question for you as a straight best friend. My best friend is straight. All my close friends are straight. In fact, except for my partner, I don't know many gay guys. My friends, like you do your friend, love me a whole lot. They tell me it all the time. They say they'd take a bullet for me. I know I would for them. So, my question for you, as would be for them, is if you'd take a bullet why wouldn't you just have sex with me as well?

I somehow do get it. If that's what he wants to try -why not? It won't change either of you. I suspect that he's jealous of the physical intimacy you're sharing with his best girl friend that he will never attain with either of you. I can tell you it hurts him at some very deep level to not have had that when someone else has. So now, both his best friends are sharing what he can't have with either of them. I also think it makes sense that he's being "promiscuous" as it deadens the pain and makes sex seem perfunctory and not intimate. It makes it seems that what the two of you (you and the girlfriend) are doing isn't really all that special. It probably also makes him feels desired in a way which you two don't want of him. Not only is he being cut out of each of your most intimate selves, you're doing it together to him! Someday, people will realize it's just sex but when there's love and sex then that's where the real fire is. Think about your answer -why can't you be physically intimate with him? BTW, I'm not saying you need to or you should, but you should have a good answer and ..."i'm not gay" is not a good one --think some more. How far does bromance get to go?

This is the worst advice you could get and hopefully you wouldn't take it seriously.

As others have said, the problem is his at the moment. You don't need to worry about his sex life; only your own.

Just be the same steady friend you always have been and recognize that you may grow apart as each of you finds a partner.

 

[chace1617]

well it's obvious he felt something strong for you and i don't think it was just frienship he felt. The thing that you two had an amazing time together is great but when you hooked up with his best friend is the thing that hurt him.what i think is that he saw you as a friend at first but after a while he fell in love with you and that time you had a relationship with his best friend, that's what made him feel bad. i can totally understand him it's something most of gay guys live in their life.

well there is nothing you can do to change that. if you love your girlfriend then stay with your girlfriend, what you could try is to talk to him seriously and tell him what you feel. the fact that you want him to be your friend is amazing and saws good quality, so just tell him. but if you were in his shoes for a moment how would you feel if you had to pretend you're happy when the guy you were in love with is in a relationship with your best friend?

anyway i think you're a nice str8 guy, not thinking only with your penis but actually have feelings for a gay guys life, you're a good friend.

thanks for posting in the forum hope i helped

 

[glasvegas]

Like everyone said, he is having some kind of attraction for you. For me, I would grab some beer and ask him out to a quiet place, and talk about old times and then tell him that how you miss him as a friend and how important he is to you.

He will understand. At least I did.

 

[silentalk]

I'm in almost the exact same situation, except that I would be providing the perspective of your friend here. I think I know how he feels and how you can make things easier.

My best friend for almost 10 years has just fallen in love for the first time in our history with a girl, and it's devastating me! I don't have a crush on him. In fact, I'm in love with someone else who does not love me back. Yet, I'm still hurting more than any human being can bear. I'm losing my best friend for this girl (which I knew would happen eventually) , and I'm being almost completely ignored by the one I love. In addition, I'm losing more things than these two most important people in my life. My life is SO complicated right now.

Anyway, this is not about me. I'm sorry about that. If you'd like more input, please tell me.

 

[Corny]

As you might have noticed from the above post (or countless of other topics in this forum), your friend's perspective is well known here. Many, many guys fall in love with straight friends. Not just lusting over them, they really fall in love, until something crushes their dreams.
Maybe, as a straight guy, you know the situation that you love a girl and try everything to get her attention, and you are a good friend to her, and you do love her - but she only sees you as a friend and has other dates.
Now think of yourself as the girl (*giggle*) and your friend as you. It's a shitty situation, but you already showed us that you care about him a lot, and that you don't care about his sexuality at all. So in my opinion, this can be solved. He might need some time. But he also needs you. Invite him for a beer, talk with him about your relationship. To give him a dose of reality you might ask him upfront if he is into you. Or attracted to you. He might want to dodge the question, and you could affirm him that you do think that this is very endearing and flattering - but he needs to realize that you can only love him back on a different level. As I said .. it might need time until he comes to terms with this. He probably is very hurt. Talk with him again .. and then all you can do is wait.

As for his "fucking around", no it is not normal, but I would guess he is sowing his wild oats - probably out of frustration. If this is the case, it shouldn't last - as it isn't really satisfying (for some people it is, but those usually don't start with it just suddenly). Having unprotected sex still is irresponsible and stupid. How do you know that he is? Did he tell you? Or someone else? If he told you that, there might be another problem - because this smells like emotional blackmail

 

[Robster]

Wow, this site is a lot more popular than I thought. I was barely expecting one response, none the less this many. Thanks for the advice guys. I'll give you the update so...

After I posted this, I began to think about what was going on and I told the whole story to my sister. My sister told me that “It’s impossible for a straight man and a gay man to be friends without a gay man to be attracted to him.” But I ruled out her advice as she is kinda unintentionally homophobic on occasions and I thought this may be one of them. Through the advice on this forum, I just tried talking to him. I finally got to speak with him last night by showing up unexpected and we got into a huge discussion. He actually admitted that he is attracted to me and has been for years (even though people had said/ hinted at this, it was still a shock). It’s strange to find out that the four years of friendship has been so different from his perspective. I just told him that it didn’t matter cause he always going to be my friend and I need him around. Long story short, we’re going surfing next weekend to patch things up (if he doesn’t cancel).

I’m still worried things won’t be the same with us. So this leads me to my final question to you guys (and then I promise I’ll get out of your hair). How do I get him not-attracted to me? Could this be a phase at all? I’m thinking I could try set him up with someone else but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Also should I act different around him knowing this information? For instance, can I still get changed/naked around him? Can I still talk him about sexual encounters? If I do, I probably wouldn’t be helping things at all and may be giving him the wrong impression but if I don’t, he’ll probably sense that our relationship is different. It’s so irritating. Why did everything have to change? Him being gay was never a problem before. It kind of complimented our friendship. I was even a tad homophobic before I met him and he introduced me to other gay people which made me realize how backwards my stereotypes were. As for the unsafe sex part, he hasn’t told me himself, I just heard from two other people. We didn’t talk about that at all. Maybe it’s not my place to know these things but (slightly selfish of me) it annoys me that he doesn’t tell me these things cause I just find out through other people and that makes me worry.

Finally, to address what bullwing wrote:
"So, my question for you, as would be for them, is if you'd take a bullet why wouldn't you just have sex with me as well? ... you should have a good answer and ..."i'm not gay" is not a good one --think some more. How far does bromance get to go?"

I'm not gay, is my genuine answer. I'm just not wired that way at all. Although I do love my friend, I don't feel attracted to him sexually. Besides, I feel I would be giving the wrong message to him if I did have sex with him. I also have a girlfriend and hope to remain monogamous to her. I think taking a bullet for him is different because it's a life or death situation. Having sex with someone would not be necessary and may do more harm than good to a friendship.

Thanks for the advice guys, I’d probably still be at square one with him if it wasn’t for you guys on this forum,
Rob.

(< Just for kicks again)

 

[chace1617]

Wow, this site is a lot more popular than I thought. I was barely expecting one response, none the less this many. Thanks for the advice guys. I'll give you the update so...

After I posted this, I began to think about what was going on and I told the whole story to my sister. My sister told me that “It’s impossible for a straight man and a gay man to be friends without a gay man to be attracted to him.” But I ruled out her advice as she is kinda unintentionally homophobic on occasions and I thought this may be one of them. Through the advice on this forum, I just tried talking to him. I finally got to speak with him last night by showing up unexpected and we got into a huge discussion. He actually admitted that he is attracted to me and has been for years (even though people had said/ hinted at this, it was still a shock). It’s strange to find out that the four years of friendship has been so different from his perspective. I just told him that it didn’t matter cause he always going to be my friend and I need him around. Long story short, we’re going surfing next weekend to patch things up (if he doesn’t cancel).

I’m still worried things won’t be the same with us. So this leads me to my final question to you guys (and then I promise I’ll get out of your hair). How do I get him not-attracted to me? Could this be a phase at all? I’m thinking I could try set him up with someone else but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Also should I act different around him knowing this information? For instance, can I still get changed/naked around him? Can I still talk him about sexual encounters? If I do, I probably wouldn’t be helping things at all and may be giving him the wrong impression but if I don’t, he’ll probably sense that our relationship is different. It’s so irritating. Why did everything have to change? Him being gay was never a problem before. It kind of complimented our friendship. I was even a tad homophobic before I met him and he introduced me to other gay people which made me realize how backwards my stereotypes were. As for the unsafe sex part, he hasn’t told me himself, I just heard from two other people. We didn’t talk about that at all. Maybe it’s not my place to know these things but (slightly selfish of me) it annoys me that he doesn’t tell me these things cause I just find out through other people and that makes me worry.

Finally, to address what bullwing wrote:
"So, my question for you, as would be for them, is if you'd take a bullet why wouldn't you just have sex with me as well? ... you should have a good answer and ..."i'm not gay" is not a good one --think some more. How far does bromance get to go?"

I'm not gay, is my genuine answer. I'm just not wired that way at all. Although I do love my friend, I don't feel attracted to him sexually. Besides, I feel I would be giving the wrong message to him if I did have sex with him. I also have a girlfriend and hope to remain monogamous to her. I think taking a bullet for him is different because it's a life or death situation. Having sex with someone would not be necessary and may do more harm than good to a friendship.

Thanks for the advice guys, I’d probably still be at square one with him if it wasn’t for you guys on this forum,
Rob.

(< Just for kicks again)

well well my friend. for starters i want to tell you again what an amazing guy you are for what you did, asking for advice in a gay forum or your sister cause you don't want to lose your friend. you are a real friend man and i would feel lucky if i had a friend like you.

about your gay friends attraction to you i'm sure there is nothing you can do. feelings are feelings you don't just push a button and they end. he is in love with you and if he feels this way for 4 years i'm not sure you can change that.
being naked in front of him will just torture him as long as talking about your sexual encounters cause he will have in front of him what he can't actual have and really want, you know what i mean. love sometimes is cruel in str8 people guess how difficult it is for gay people.

since you talked to him and you made it clear that you like him as a friend but nothing more(and i'm sure it hurt him) there is nothing more you can do. i guess he now has to appreciate you for fighting not to lose him and for being such a thoughtfull and nice person. whatever you do you have to always keep in mind that he is in love with you, i know this fucks up the whole friendship thing and if you can't talk about your sex life with him etc cause it will make him feel bad etc then it's a fucked up friendship. maybe you should keep hunging out and pretend nothing ever happened or end it and feel free ! that in case he keeps bitching around cause you have a gf

---EVIL SELF---
now this is my evil self talking and i know this isn't the proper advice but i need to tell you that. why don't you try doing something sexual with him once? i mean it can't be that bad and maybe it will make him feel better. i mean a blow job can't hurt you, you can watch str8 porn during cheating on your girlfriend is horrible but what if you're single sometime? he can ''give you a hand'' so you can be both satisfied. just make it clear that it's just sex, sex for fun nothing more. this way you keep him happy and everything is fine.



that's all, hope i helped you i really wanted to cause you seem very nice. hope you keep posting in our forum

yours Chace

 

[maxpowr9]

Just be yourself and continue to be the friend you always have been. As many of us already said, he needs to come this realization on his own terms. Unfortunately, he may drop you by the wayside due to the drama. At least thinking from his perspective, he may not want to be around you anymore due to the feeling of love (not platonic) resurfacing when he is around you. That is something you may have to prepare for. It may not be a sudden thing but it will happen overtime. It is similar to constantly hanging out with an ex.

Hell, even introduce him to this site. Get him out there and help him find a nice guy. Many gay guys wish we could have such staunch supporters/friends like you and hopefully he realizes how great of a friend you are.

 

[bankside]

Nothing's different about your friendship itself. All of the things you enjoy about having him as a friend are exactly the same kind of things he enjoys about having you as a friend.

You still have all that common ground. It's just he has the potential for a few extra feelings which I'm sure he'll let go. And it is okay if he thinks your girlfriend has good taste in men, which is what this boils down to. But that doesn't change the basis of your friendship.

He's going to be happy for you if you've found the right woman. He's going to hang out with you as a friend. And one day hopefully you and your girlfriend and he and his boyfriend will all drive out for a weekend in the mountains together. And contrary to what some people say on here, they'll stay in one room of the cabin, and you and your girlfriend will stay in the other.

 

[sixthson]

You are friends for a reason. You are attracted to each other. Yours is a non-sexual friendship attraction, his is both friendship and something more. There can be a fine line between loving someone as a friend and being in love with them. The love of a good friend may be as close to being in love with someone as there is. Does that make sense? Hang in there with him. You may have to prove to him that you want his friendship no matter what.

The world should have more friends like you. I think you are a great guy.

 

[KaraBulut]

After I posted this, I began to think about what was going on and I told the whole story to my sister. My sister told me that “It’s impossible for a straight man and a gay man to be friends without a gay man to be attracted to him.” But I ruled out her advice as she is kinda unintentionally homophobic on occasions and I thought this may be one of them.

Funny, because people say the same thing about friendships between men and women all the time.

How do I get him not-attracted to me? Could this be a phase at all? I’m thinking I could try set him up with someone else but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Also should I act different around him knowing this information? For instance, can I still get changed/naked around him? Can I still talk him about sexual encounters? If I do, I probably wouldn’t be helping things at all and may be giving him the wrong impression but if I don’t, he’ll probably sense that our relationship is different. It’s so irritating. Why did everything have to change? Him being gay was never a problem before. It kind of complimented our friendship. I was even a tad homophobic before I met him and he introduced me to other gay people which made me realize how backwards my stereotypes were.

In keeping with the male/female friendship scenario:

Let's say that you had a close female friend. You were attracted to your female friend somewhat but that wasn't the main reason that you were friends. Then, let's say that your female friend started dating one of your best male friends. And you got to see them making out and hear about how great their relationship was.

So, how would you feel about that?

On one hand, you'd be happy that they had found each other.

On the other hand, you'd probably be a little jealous?


And the question is whether your friend can set aside his feelings for you and his jealousy and get back to being friends.

Now that the truth is out there, there is hope that he can work through it. But if he's not able to, don't be surprised if he needs a little time and space to work through things.


Just as an aside- you took a big step in opening up the conversation and listening. Ideally- that's what friends should be able to do with each other- but you deserve a lot of credit for being the kind of friend who does.

 

[HunterM]

Accept the fact that your friendship is never going to be the same as before. Don't wish to turn back the clock. It's a fantasy.

However, knowing what you know now, you can only move forward in creating a new dynamic of friendship. Continue to be his friend...remind him every now and again to assure him. It's very cool that you also backed it up with actions by going surfing with him. Continue to spend time with him on a regular basis. Also, make time for the three of you to spend together over dinner or whatever (you, your girlfriend and him). Give him time to process and accept this is the new reality. He is still part of the "family".

Don't discuss sex with him. And don't tell him what to do with his sex life either. You're not his mother.

 

[xterranx]

Having been in this situation myself-- I think he's just going to have to voluntarily distance himself from you. Not you from him, that will create drama. I think if you're truly best friends, you'll be able to resume your friendship again in 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, or whatever time it takes for him to get over you, like nothing ever happened.

But keep us updated, I'd like to read what happens... not for indulgence, but because I tend to place myself in similar situations.