How do I get my best friend back?

[AlmondMilk]

Feel free to mimic it in the Show Yourself Off forum.

But in all seriousness, as others have said, you are a great friend. As a friend, you have showed him that you really want to keep the same friendship you had before. It's now time for him to accept that. I believe he will accept it in time. He may be hurt initially, but I'm sure this will be replaced by happiness knowing you and your girlfriend are happy. Only time will tell.

If you two end up drifting apart, then there it goes. But I don't think hope should be given up. You both had a wonderful friendship, and I think it can be maintained. Good luck, and let us know how the surfing went!



Oh, and don't change in front of him. As you thought, it would just complicate things especially since you now know that he has feelings for you. It's not your intention to hurt him if you do change in front of him, but it's just better not to do that around him.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, nothing like a little perspective.

He wants what you can't give. period. The more openings you give him to keep his hopes alive, the longer this will continue.

It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault, it's just there.

Your relationship with him has changed, it happens, and you can't undo that, and it's not going to help him to dwell on it. He has to get over you, he has to be the kind of friend to you that you are to him.

You are a very nice person for wanting to fix this, but you can't, and it's not your job.

Whatever he thought - he knew you were straight, and whatever relationships you get into - he knew you were straight.

It's not your job to fix him. Be his friend, but don't be his enabler.

The clearer you are that you'll never be gay for him, the faster he'll come to terms.

And that's going to mean he has to walk away from you until he has a grip on his own damn feelings - which are not your responsibility, and you can't fix.

You have your relationship, that is your first priority, and you have a friend -who if he is a friend will have to accept that.

Friendship goes both ways.

 

[evanrick]

i think you just don't want to feel like you have abandoned him when you shouldn't feel like you are.

relationship is not going to be the same until he finds his own happiness, then he may come around.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Many people have said it, but I'm going to say it again so you understand it:

You are an amazing friend. Please know that! If every LGBT person had a friend like you who would come onto an unfamiliar site like this and seek advice on how to help them, then the world would be a better place.

I suspect my best friend to be homophobic, if he was as accepting as you, I would have nothing to fear. You have no idea how meaningful a friendship like yours is in our society!

Just continue being the friend that you are, show him you are there for him as a brother. Many gay guys fall for their straight friends. I actually had a HUGE crush on my best friend at college. But I know he is straight and that it would never work, and even trying to pursue something would be detrimental. So I accepted that logic and got over it. Of course he never knew that, I'm still closeted. But I digress.

TX-Beau is right. His feelings are not your responsibility. Just as you accepted HIM for who HE is, he must accept YOU for who YOU are. It may take time, but if your friendship is as strong as it seems, he will come to realize how lucky he is to have you as a friend.

Again, I agree with above posters, refrain from talking about your sexual encounters and changing in front of him. However, don't make it awkward, you don't want him to think that you're weirded out cuz he likes you.

And about his unhealthy sexual behavior, you're allowed to be concerned. Maybe you can leave it alone for now, but if you hear something about it again, then you could cautiously bring it up to him. You are genuinely concerned, so show concern, not scorn or reprimanding.

Damn, I wish you were my best friend!

 

[Corny]

I am glad that you guys got to talk and start working it out All the best to you!

Most people already gave you sound advice, again. But I want to pick two things up:

Don't discuss sex with him. And don't tell him what to do with his sex life either. You're not his mother.

I have to disagree here. Friends should be able to talk about it. And friends care about each other. If one thinks the other one is reckless in his sex life he should be able to voice his concern. You don't need to *brag* about your sex life, but you should be able to talk about it.

Oh, and don't change in front of him. As you thought, it would just complicate things especially since you now know that he has feelings for you. It's not your intention to hurt him if you do change in front of him, but it's just better not to do that around him.

I kinda agree here. Although, to me, being that comfortable around each other is a huge sign of a good friendship. I don't even know how I would act in such a situation. In your situation I probably would try not to change around him either, just not to "encourage" him. In his situation I probably would be a bit upset that you don't trust me any more. Maybe avoid situations like that for now, and if you get the chance talk to him about it. Time is very important know You can't make him stop loving you, but you might be able to change that love more into a brotherly love.

 

[TNniceguy]

I somehow do get it. If that's what he wants to try -why not? It won't change either of you. I suspect that he's jealous of the physical intimacy you're sharing with his best girl friend that he will never attain with either of you. I can tell you it hurts him at some very deep level to not have had that when someone else has. So now, both his best friends are sharing what he can't have with either of them. I also think it makes sense that he's being "promiscuous" as it deadens the pain and makes sex seem perfunctory and not intimate. It makes it seems that what the two of you (you and the girlfriend) are doing isn't really all that special. It probably also makes him feels desired in a way which you two don't want of him. Not only is he being cut out of each of your most intimate selves, you're doing it together to him!

Wow, Bullwing. I was thinking the same thing but didn't know how to express it the way you did.

Robster- I can't help but feeling for both you and your gay friend. If I were in your position, my head would tell me to take a long walk together and talk about what is on both our minds. On the other hand, my heart would say give him space to work out his concerns. Your friend really doesn't know just how good of a friend you are. You're straight, confident and concerned enough about you're relation to go out and get advice. If he doesn't want to continue the friendship, call me and I'll take his place!!!

WAIT- show your original post to your friend. Let him sit down and read it straight from the forums. I think he'll see what a concerned, awesome friend he has in you. Do this before his risky behavior hurts him.

 

[Robster]

Thanks again guys. You will never know how utterly clueless I was before posting here.

Big update on the situation; I broke up with the girlfriend two days ago and that’s why I haven’t been on here at all. My best friend told me she cheated on me with her ex over a month ago when I was out of town. As always, paranoid me actually didn’t initially believe him at first but I asked her and she confirmed it. So I’ve been staying in his place for the past two nights. I broke down hard last night and he was truly there for me in all senses of the expression. He’s been nothing but brilliant to me since he told me and about her couldn’t be more welcoming. I hate to sound completely selfish but I’m glad he’s taken my side on this one despite being friends with her for much longer.

So alas, we are both single again. And as there’s still some summer left, I’ll be spending most of my time with him cause he’s just finished college and isn’t working while I’m a physical education teacher and I’m not back til mid September. I just hope there’s no more speed bumps with our friendship in the immediate future. I’m still slightly worried about him, but for the most part we’re cool. Hopefully it’ll stay that way.

So to address what a few of you guys were saying… Chace wrote:
“now this is my evil self talking and i know this isn't the proper advice but i need to tell you that. why don't you try doing something sexual with him once? i mean it can't be that bad and maybe it will make him feel better. i mean a blow job can't hurt you, you can watch str8 porn during cheating on your girlfriend is horrible but what if you're single sometime? he can ''give you a hand'' so you can be both satisfied. just make it clear that it's just sex, sex for fun nothing more. this way you keep him happy and everything is fine.”

I know it was your evil-self talking, but do you not reckon that would harm the friendship more so than help it if we did have any sexual contact, buddy. I’ll let you guys in on a little secret: every straight guy wonders at some point or another throughout his life what it would be like to hook up with a guy… but simply put, we don’t, because the alternative (women) will always be more of a sexual turn-on and more of an ideal situation to be in. As gay men you must be able to relate, just because someone has thought about themselves in the situation of being sexually intimate with a woman, doesn’t mean they would ever actually seriously contemplate it, none the less, do it.

elGeniouso said:
“I suspect my best friend to be homophobic, if he was as accepting as you, I would have nothing to fear. You have no idea how meaningful a friendship like yours is in our society!”

I was once kinda homophobic too but then my best friend unintentionally educated me so you mightn’t have anything to fear on that one, buddy. Give yourself some credit, he probably values your friendship a lot more than you think.

TNniceguy said:
“WAIT- show your original post to your friend. Let him sit down and read it straight from the forums. I think he'll see what a concerned, awesome friend he has in you. Do this before his risky behavior hurts him.”

I’d be way too embarrassed to ever show him this myself. I even thought twice before uploading the profile picture of the two of us. But I guess, at the end of the day, if it’s meant to happen, it will.

You guys are giving me way too much credit on this friendship front. If you got to know him, you’d realize what a cool guy he is and why no one would want to lose him as a friend. I would never tell him outright but I’ve learnt so much from him, more so than anything I could ever give back to him. So again, thanks for helping me maintain this friendship for a bit longer guys. You guys are great. I’m heading surfing with him tomorrow where I reckon we'll be having a chat about everything going on in our lives. I’ll be back in a few days . Peace,
Rob.

 

[chace1617]

Thanks again guys. You will never know how utterly clueless I was before posting here.

Big update on the situation; I broke up with the girlfriend two days ago and that’s why I haven’t been on here at all. My best friend told me she cheated on me with her ex over a month ago when I was out of town. As always, paranoid me actually didn’t initially believe him at first but I asked her and she confirmed it. So I’ve been staying in his place for the past two nights. I broke down hard last night and he was truly there for me in all senses of the expression. He’s been nothing but brilliant to me since he told me and about her couldn’t be more welcoming. I hate to sound completely selfish but I’m glad he’s taken my side on this one despite being friends with her for much longer.

So alas, we are both single again. And as there’s still some summer left, I’ll be spending most of my time with him cause he’s just finished college and isn’t working while I’m a physical education teacher and I’m not back til mid September. I just hope there’s no more speed bumps with our friendship in the immediate future. I’m still slightly worried about him, but for the most part we’re cool. Hopefully it’ll stay that way.

So to address what a few of you guys were saying… Chace wrote:
“now this is my evil self talking and i know this isn't the proper advice but i need to tell you that. why don't you try doing something sexual with him once? i mean it can't be that bad and maybe it will make him feel better. i mean a blow job can't hurt you, you can watch str8 porn during cheating on your girlfriend is horrible but what if you're single sometime? he can ''give you a hand'' so you can be both satisfied. just make it clear that it's just sex, sex for fun nothing more. this way you keep him happy and everything is fine.”

I know it was your evil-self talking, but do you not reckon that would harm the friendship more so than help it if we did have any sexual contact, buddy. I’ll let you guys in on a little secret: every straight guy wonders at some point or another throughout his life what it would be like to hook up with a guy… but simply put, we don’t, because the alternative (women) will always be more of a sexual turn-on and more of an ideal situation to be in. As gay men you must be able to relate, just because someone has thought about themselves in the situation of being sexually intimate with a woman, doesn’t mean they would ever actually seriously contemplate it, none the less, do it.

elGeniouso said:
“I suspect my best friend to be homophobic, if he was as accepting as you, I would have nothing to fear. You have no idea how meaningful a friendship like yours is in our society!”

I was once kinda homophobic too but then my best friend unintentionally educated me so you mightn’t have anything to fear on that one, buddy. Give yourself some credit, he probably values your friendship a lot more than you think.

TNniceguy said:
“WAIT- show your original post to your friend. Let him sit down and read it straight from the forums. I think he'll see what a concerned, awesome friend he has in you. Do this before his risky behavior hurts him.”

I’d be way too embarrassed to ever show him this myself. I even thought twice before uploading the profile picture of the two of us. But I guess, at the end of the day, if it’s meant to happen, it will.

You guys are giving me way too much credit on this friendship front. If you got to know him, you’d realize what a cool guy he is and why no one would want to lose him as a friend. I would never tell him outright but I’ve learnt so much from him, more so than anything I could ever give back to him. So again, thanks for helping me maintain this friendship for a bit longer guys. You guys are great. I’m heading surfing with him tomorrow where I reckon we'll be having a chat about everything going on in our lives. I’ll be back in a few days . Peace,
Rob.

OMG!

are all these things real in your life? are they actually happening? i mean i just said ''what if you're single sometime again'' and now you're single and staying with him! lol
as long about what my ''eveil self'' said, well i know that for a str8 guy being sucked by a dude is not a total turn on but it doesn't mean you won't enjoy it at all.

i know that doing something like that with your gay friend is not right, especially after what have already happened in your lifes, but dude, just think about what i'm trying to tell you, i mean your girlfriend, who you trusted and loved actually cheated on you with your her ex! and on the other side there is this guy who is loyal to you and truly loves you for 4 years now, saw you being in a relationship with his best friend and had to play cool and you won't even consider doing something sexual with him no matter how strong his love is...
just saying...

 

[BlackAdam13]

First off, I've silently been watching this thread for a few days now and I've gotta say, Robster...you are the shit. I consider myself one of the lucky ones in that I have several friends like you. I'm glad that there are more folks out there with your mindset to stand by their friends when the going gets rough.


And now for this...

OMG!

are all these things real in your life? are they actually happening? i mean i just said ''what if you're single sometime again'' and now you're single and staying with him! lol
as long about what my ''eveil self'' said, well i know that for a str8 guy being sucked by a dude is not a total turn on but it doesn't mean you won't enjoy it at all.

i know that doing something like that with your gay friend is not right, especially after what have already happened in your lifes, but dude, just think about what i'm trying to tell you, i mean your girlfriend, who you trusted and loved actually cheated on you with your her ex! and on the other side there is this guy who is loyal to you and truly loves you for 4 years now, saw you being in a relationship with his best friend and had to play cool and you won't even consider doing something sexual with him no matter how strong his love is...
just saying...

I'm going to have to co-sign what Rob said earlier about doing more harm than good. Them hooking up in any capacity is pretty much a trainwreck waiting to happen since Rob doesn't share the emotional feelings of his bud. Even if he had an inclination to hook up with his friend (which he doesn't), I would strongly urge against it given all the surrounding issues. What possible good could come out of him even letting his friend give him a hummer? I, for one, don't see any. But I see plenty of bad.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Chace1617, seriously, back off. This advice forum isn't some porn story for you to get off on. These are real peoples' lives and Robster has made it clear more than twice that he is not interested in that kind of behavior.


As for you, Robster. You are an awesome guy. Thank you for coming on this forum and telling us your story. I'm glad we were able to help you through it. I hope you can continue to enjoy a loving friendship with your buddy. I agree with the better advice given here, that this is an issue your friend will need to resolve himself. Don't treat him any differently. Just be there for him. Eventually, he will find a man of his own to love.

I do suggest that in the future you pursue women outside of his friendship circle. I think it does hurt his feelings and exasperate his unrequited love for you when you involve yourself with women he knows well. Let the next girlfriend be someone he doesn't know and is detached from the reality of his own life. It will make it easier for him.


By the way, I know exactly what you mean about thoughts vs. actions. I am gay, but I know I could get it up and have sex with a girl if I had to. However, I never will because a woman is not who I want. I wouldn't even use a woman just for the satisfaction of getting off. I will only ever pursue men. I totally get you, and I understand where you are coming from. Forgive a couple of the guys here. Their mindset is warped, and they don't know what they're talking about. In a way, it's like straight guys thinking lesbians would totally have a three way with them, haha!

Hey, and stick around too. We have a few straight guys who are active in our forum community. I'm sure there's more you can learn about your friend through us that can perhaps help your friendship. We'd love to have your perspective too. We get a lot of gay guys who come on these boards professing their love for their straight best friend. I think you would do a lot of good if you helped them out with some advice.

 

[bankside]

Sorry to hear the news about your girlfriend. I'm glad that your friend is there to look out for you. And don't sell yourself short: over the years I'm sure you can be as good a friend to him as he is to you.

Now, I'm going to comment on this particularly because with this little secret you've just activated the wet dreams of 3/4 of the guys here. LOL...

I know it was your evil-self talking, but do you not reckon that would harm the friendship more so than help it if we did have any sexual contact, buddy. I’ll let you guys in on a little secret: every straight guy wonders at some point or another throughout his life what it would be like to hook up with a guy… but simply put, we don’t, because the alternative (women) will always be more of a sexual turn-on and more of an ideal situation to be in. As gay men you must be able to relate, just because someone has thought about themselves in the situation of being sexually intimate with a woman, doesn’t mean they would ever actually seriously contemplate it, none the less, do it.

I'm going to let you in on another secret...it would be better than every straight guy imagines it would be. Which can mess with a guy's head for a while. But then when the dust settles, he'd think that it was a cool time, he had fun and no regrets, but ultimately he's still straight and with his curiosity out of the way, now he's got a bit more knowledge about life, but there's no doubt he's back to looking for the woman of his dreams.

That can really fuck over the other guy he messed around with, if it's a gay guy who can actually no holds barred fall for the straight guy.

And same thing the other way around from gay to straight. Which is why I think if I ever got curious enough about the boobies and the snatch and all that, that it would be waaaaaay smarter to sleep with a lesbian. I've thought about it probably the same way you say straight guys think about other guys.

In my case, with a lesbian we could just have a laugh and scratch it off life's to do list. But I think it would be unfair to risk that with a straight woman. Or maybe a straight guy could give me a hands-on guided tour of the female features of his straight girlfriend.. But a gay guy, one on one with a straight woman who is by nature open to more than just a fling? I do reckon that is a disaster just waiting under the surface.

Anyway, I'm not saying this so much for your benefit, because I think you know what you want and you've made your mind up about this, but I had to say it for any other people in similar situations. Yes, I believe a straight guy with a sense of adventure can try something with another guy, but I don't think it should be with someone who can fall for him, unless he's willing to possibly fall back.

 

[cliffdweller]

As others have said, you're a good friend. My take is that he already knows that nothing will ever happen between you - I don't think you need to tell him that. As far as his attraction to you goes, I honestly think he'll get over it. There's nothing you can do to make him not be attracted to you; it may never go away, but he'll learn to deal with it, and it doesn't *have* to affect your friendship. I don't think you need to walk on eggshells around him. It's out in the open now, and if you're comfortable with it, while clearly maintaining that nothing's gonna happen, he'll eventually get over or learn to deal with it.

And your sister sounds like a bit of a dolt.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to reiterate, being a gay guy who's been through this - we all have - and watched a ton of gay guys go through this, this point.

So long as he can convince himself he has the slightest chance in hell he will not move on - you don't even have to do anything, he'll take what you say and mentally massage it into hope. Even when you make it fucking crystal that he's got no chance a good proportion of guys still won't let go. Why? There are a few reasons I won't go into here, but the point is, don't do anything that he can possibly misconstrue as interest.

I also still think that he needs time away from you to process and deal. Being around him 24/7 however useful that is for you, and however much he's delighted, will not move him along.

It would be nice to think that nothing needs to change and he'll just gradually get over it, that rarely happens. Far, far, far more common is that the gay guy obsesses, deludes himself, won't go find an actual gay guy to date, then gets his heart stomped on when you find a lasting thing.

You already got a taste of that, do you want a repeat? Be his friend, help him do what's best for him, he needs to get some distance from his thing for you and find a guy who actually wants him to fall for, and that isn't going to happen if he thinks he's playing house with you.

Do you have to abandon him? No. but you do have to push him out of the nest. He won't go on his own.

 

[TNniceguy]

Robster- I really appreciate you coming on here. Not only your post but the responses have given me insight. I just came out in April and still learning. PLUS- my offer still stands if you need another friend.

One more thing. Keep coming back on JUB and be a regular.

 

[mano]

I am a carbon copy almost of the guy on the other end of this story. Couple of tidbits........I have dated girls and don't consider myself gay......just bisexual. I had a super close male friend a few years ago and we went through something very similar. I am not going to tell you how he felt because he got scared and ran away and I am not sure how he really felt about the situation. One day everything was fine and we were talking about "getting it on again" and the next day, he was gone. I am in pain to this day over the loss of that friendship.

I will tell you a few things that I think are facts about how your friend feels.

1. He wants you relationship to have a sexual side - no two ways about it.

2. He is going to be jealous when you are having sex with your girlfriend not because he is a bad person but because he is human.

3. That sexual attraction is probably not going to go away just because y'all have a fight or agree not to act on it.

4. The sexual attraction might go away after he finds someone else he would rather have sexually or after y'all mess around and the novelty of doing so wears off.

5. I don't remember reading this anywhere but you can correct me if I am wrong.....I don't remember you saying that "no way would I ever touch another guy sexually." I think you might try something at least out of curiosity.

6. You might be able to share some physical "fun" if you talk some things through, come to some understandings, and respect each others feelings. All that is an awfully big "if".

7. His definition of best friend and your definition of best friend are probably two different things. Neither one is wrong but the common ground that you are able to find may never be what it once was and you will both have to accept that. I do not believe for an instant that we can change who we are attracted to and he has developed an attraction to you. And not everyone views sexual activity the same. Some think it is directly related to love and some think it's just getting your rocks off. You might not see things the same way there either.

Finally, I think you need to examine yourself a little. How do you view sexual activity between two people? How do you feel about sharing some of that activity with another guy even though you are straight. Are the two of you mature enough to set some ground rules and stick to them? What you have to realize is that certain activities.....bowling, hanging out at the lake, whatever.......brought you together and sparked this friendship and now he wants to take a turn that you may or may not want to take. That is called going your separate ways and as bad as that might hurt, it is a fact of life.

Now for the ultimate truth......I really want my friend back but I would still be sexually attracted to him. Is his giving in to that attraction a condition of our friendship????? NO!!! But it would dictate a little how we live out that friendship.

What I want you to do is give in to him if you are curious. I'd like to hear you admit that it felt good and that you loved it and a little "sex party" was a regular part of your friendship.............but that's just me wishing the same thing would happen in my lost friendship.

Best of luck and do keep us posted.

 

[Robster]

Hey guys. Thanks for all the advice.

I don't know if any of you guys remember me or this post but once again, I've found myself back at the centre of this problem. It took me a solid forty five minutes to find this site again, log in and find this post as I forgot what the site was called. I don’t know what the procedure is here; do I start a new thread or just continue this one? If I’m supposed to start a new one, I can delete this one. Just let me know, guys.

I've re-read this whole post and it seems like some of you unintentionally predicted what would happen to me next. Everything's been fine for the last few months up until recently. Me and my friend have grown entirely closer since I broke up with my old girlfriend back in the summer. We’ve spent a lot of time together and have even interacted with a whole new circle of friends. He started acting like his old-self and our friendship went back to normal. I began to think that any feelings he may have had towards me were long gone. In the space of the last few months, I got with a new girl. It was only for a couple of weeks but he was completely fine with it. He’s got a boyfriend now too and although I was a bit sceptical of him at first, he's a really nice guy .

Anyway, we went rock climbing in the south two weekends ago with a few friends. We stayed in this cliff-side hotel, two-to-a-room and naturally, I bunked with him as we’re best friends and everything was back to normal. I called the double bed and he got the single. We had been in the same situation many times before so this case shouldn’t have been any different. After two days on the cliff, we went on a night to a club afterward. The night out was awesome. It was a group of ten guys and we went absolutely wild. Everyone got completely drunk. I hooked up with a girl that I wanted to bring back to the hotel, but thought that it would be best that we didn’t, on account of my best friend might feel awkward/lonely/missing his boyfriend. So I let it be. When we got back to the hotel, me, my friend and another guy kept drinking at the bar. Eventually getting very tired, I went back to my room. My friend followed me back a few minutes later. We stayed up talking as we usually would. He got into the bed beside me fully clothed and I didn’t think anything of it. We chatted for another while before we both fell asleep.

The next morning was all too weird. I literally woke up with his hand rubbing me. I was fully hard and took me about fifteen seconds to realise what was actually going on. He was still in my bed, now in his underwear, jerking me off. I immediately jumped out of bed and started telling him how out-of-line he was. After a very short argument, I left. The next day he rang me up apologizing but I still felt really betrayed. He explained to me that he was drunk, I seemed to be enjoying it and that I was leading him on for the last few days. I began thinking then that despite him seemingly changing; he still had feelings for me. I told him that he was delusional and haven’t spoken to him since. He has either texted me or called me every day since but I haven’t replied. We’re still friends on Facebook and he’s light-heartedly commented on my posts but I’ve ignored them too.

I’m starting to think that there may not be any friendship in the future for us and I should just let it be. On the other hand, although what he did was totally insane, I still miss him as a friend (especially since we’ve gotten so close over the last few months). I don’t see him the same way anymore though, I don’t trust him. It was a total shock as everything was going so normal. I haven’t told anyone (and doubt he has either) and now everyone’s asking questions and I don’t want to give them answers. I feel bad for his boyfriend too and still don’t know what’s going on there. I feel angry, betrayed and ashamed but as clichéd as it may sound, I couldn’t really see me hanging out with anyone else either. I still love him as a friend but hate him at the same time.

You guys were so helpful last time and I didn’t want to tell anyone I knew about this incident so I figured I’d come back here in search of advice.

Back to square one with the shoe on the other foot,
Rob.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

i agree, it was out of line. Drunkenness is a reason for doing something, not an excuse for doing something. But i think it might be more beneficial to talk to him about it instead of ignoring him. The sooner you can resolve the issue the better. I feel like you need to find out more and completely understand, then you can decide if the friendship is worth salvaging (which hopefully it is, because you seem to miss him as your best friend).

 

[bw92116]

The only way this could really work as a friendship is if there are clear boundaries set, and if those boundaries are violated then the friendship ends. But both you and him would have to agree to the terms and boundaries, and he might or might not agree to it, and may decide to just opt out completely. He may decide he doesn't want to continue with the pain of wanting you and never being able to fulfill that desire. And he may not ever be able to truly get over his attraction and/or crush or being in love with you. If you had a friendship with a woman, who you felt a strong sexual attraction to, and feelings of being in love with her, but she insisted on it being a platonic friendship only, forever, would you agree to that?

You may want to continue this friendship with him because you get what you want out of it. But he does not get what he wants, so he may decide to just move on from you completely. You don't know whether he will do that or not, and you can't stop him if he does move on from you. If 2 people don't want the same kind of relationship, then it's difficult or impossible to maintain in the long run, because one or the other will be dissatisfied. It only works well if both want the same kind of relationship.

 

[KaraBulut]

Every guy has a moment when they let their dicks take over their brains. But your friend crossed a line by trying to take advantage of you in your sleep.

Think of it this way- if a guy put his hands down the pants of a sleeping girl, we'd call it assault. Some guys don't get it- they try to rationalize it as "Well, you were sending me signals and you were enjoying it".

If you want to try to put this friendship back together, you're going to have to rip your friend a new one so that he's clear that you don't respect anyone who takes advantage of friends, you don't respect anyone who tries to seduce a sleeping person and you don't respect anyone who cheats on their partner. And you're going to have to spell out the terms of the friendship- that this kind of thing cannot happen again.

That assumes you want to try to put this friendship back together. Given the situation and the number of chances that you've given this guy go get over his attraction, the friendship might not be salvageable.

 

[mano]

That hate/anger that you are feeling will go away. While I in NO WAY condone what he did, remember that this is someone that by your own admission, you care about and love as a friend. And I cannot tell you what the relationship should look like in terms of whether or not you hang out with each other or what if anything you do together. However, I think you will forever regret trying to hate him for the rest of your life. Remember that I have been in a similar situation and while I am angry about the way some things went down, I would never let my friend sleep out in the cold or starve to death. I will go to my grave loving my friend even though we have not seen each other in two years.