How do I get my best friend back?

[mano]

I also want to add something else that is purely my opinion about sex. I don't put much stock in this business of love and sex going hand in hand. I just don't think that one has much of anything to do with the other. I wish you would not make the physical attraction that your friend has such an issue in your friendship. While you might not be attracted to him, if him sucking you off or giving you a hand job feels good I'd let him have at it as long as you are not in a committed relationship with someone else. If that is the case, then you have a duty to keep hands off or at least be honest and open. I'd be a thousand times more likely to leave a friendship if he was trying to force drug use or something like that. Just my personal view but if he wants to get you off that bad then I'd say what's the harm. I am still willing to bet that after a little while his interest in you will subside. The main thing is that he understands that you just wanna blow your load and this does not mean you are in a committed "I'm moving in with you forever" relationship.

 

[maxpowr9]

I also want to add something else that is purely my opinion about sex. I don't put much stock in this business of love and sex going hand in hand. I just don't think that one has much of anything to do with the other. I wish you would not make the physical attraction that your friend has such an issue in your friendship. While you might not be attracted to him, if him sucking you off or giving you a hand job feels good I'd let him have at it as long as you are not in a committed relationship with someone else. If that is the case, then you have a duty to keep hands off or at least be honest and open. I'd be a thousand times more likely to leave a friendship if he was trying to force drug use or something like that. Just my personal view but if he wants to get you off that bad then I'd say what's the harm. I am still willing to bet that after a little while his interest in you will subside. The main thing is that he understands that you just wanna blow your load and this does not mean you are in a committed "I'm moving in with you forever" relationship.

^ Says the single guy.

Honestly, if your "friend" knew you had a GF and he pulled a stunt like that, especially while you were asleep, that is crossing the line and there is no going back at this point. The amount of effort to repair this friendship is probably far too much work for either of you to put in. I would just cut your losses and move on. You can try to make amends and move on or just leave him in the dark but this "friendship" is far too toxic.

 

[hotatlboi]

Your friend is an asshole plain and simple. You seem like a cool guy and his actions unfortunately just help perpetuate the stereotype that gay guys can't be friends with straight guys without coming on to them, which is not true of all gay guys but does seem to be with some of them.

Basically you have a decision to make, and that's whether you want to try to salvage the friendship. If you do, tell him very clearly that what he did was wrong and that this is the last time you are going to tell him that you are not interested in him sexually and if he makes any further sexual advances you will not be talking to him again. If you've already had that conversation, then maybe he's proved not capable of living up to it, but if you haven't given him that clear ultimatum before then maybe you might feel it would be worth one more try.

 

[Audio Tech]

To the OP, now that I read this entire thread....

I'm not qualified to give advice on these things, but here's MY story....

I was in your friends shoes when I was in my 20's. I had a wonderful straight friend back then. We started off as friends, did a lot of fun things together, surfing being one of them. Over time I found that I fell HOPELESSLY in love with him, even though he had a girlfriend. In fairness, he DID make a lot of time for me, despite that.

Long story short..... sigh.... You cannot help who you fall in love with. Rational decisions fall out the window. I WANTED him, I would gladly have died for him. And while we did indeed chill naked in the hot tub on cold nights after surfing, this was a line I desperately wanted to, but never crossed. I loved him, and I really wanted to give him pleasure as an expression of that.

But I never did. It KILLED me inside. When he got married, that was it. He neglected me and it hurt bitterly. I was the one that ultimately had to distance myself for my own sanity. I KNOW he only moved on with his now wife, mortgage, etc. The time for "running around" was over. For me, it wasn't..... That hurt...

Today it's 20 years later. I still to this day "love" him. But I no longer WANT him. We still occasionally have lunch together, but with now 3 kids.... he has no time. Period. I'm glad we still talk when there is time, and he now understands me a lot better. But we have BOTH moved on. After all, I'm 47 and he's 41 now....

In the end, I never crossed that line that your friend did, and that was clearly too much. But I DO understand what he must be going through. The heart is a fickle thing.... Boyfriend or not, I think he'll always love you deeper than you can understand. Especially at a young age. These things settle later, but it's still no excuse for what he did.

To this day I think of my friend when we were young and "if only".....
but time has healed that wound. Try to understand this, and that it is NOT your fault. But in the end, HE is the one that must heal. You can't give him what his heart wants. The heart isn't rational. Love is a BITCH.

I'd try not to destroy your friendship, but you clearly HAVE to lay down the law, and that is that. Yes, he'll be very hurt inside, but unless you want to be Bi, it's just how it has to be.

And if not.... well, you certainly are/were a better friend than most people could ever HOPE to have. Hell, "I" would love to know you as a friend. True friends are a rare treasure.

 

[bankside]

Robster, you don't owe him another chance. He fucked up.

One thing that a lot of [STRIKE]gay men[/STRIKE] gay and straight men don't know is that straight guys actually enjoy being close to other men, but that doesn't mean it ever turns sexual for them. And you're entitled to have that respected.

It's definitely confusing for a lot of gay guys until they come out and grow up a bit so they realize that not every good relationship with a guy has to be sexual. But that's his loss, not your problem.

He didn't even have the balls to hit on you when you were sober and awake! He fucked up, and you can love him and hate him at the same time, but you don't owe him the love any more.

One other thing I've seen, some straight guys have a bit of fun and get a bit of an ego boost if they can get another guy to fall for them. It's good to be the centre of attention, even if you know it's never going to go both ways. The straight guy knows they'd never let it happen, but they get used to the flattery, or they even get a kick out of seeing how far they can get the gay guy to go. Think back to the last few months. Did you ever do that? If so, cut that shit out. If not, there's not much more to say...

 

[Just_Believe18]

Robster, your last post should be stickied on all the threads like this. There are consequences when a guy makes a forward move like that on a straight guy. He should not have done that to you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

He must feel terrible right now. The fantasy he lived in his mind made him delusional, but fortunately, it is shattered. I think he is truly sorry for what he has done, and I believe you have an opportunity to repair the friendship.

I'd say give him another chance. We've seen so many guys on here express their feelings of love for a best friend. They're vulnerable, human, but mostly afraid of losing their best friend. I know he doesn't want to lose you, and that his friendship with you is more important than his attraction. Work it out. You guys have had a great friendship.

 

[terry61_99]

Robster, is that you and him in your avatar?

 

[Wonderwall]

Robster your friend messed up big time and IMO it shows a massive lack of respect for your friendship.

Alcohol is not a excuse for what he did. As bad as it sounds he could have at least woken you up and 'asked how about it' or something similar and that would have given you the chance to tell him to piss off and you could have written it off as an awkward drunken moment and laughed about it down the track, called him out on it, stopped the friendship or done whatever you thought was right.

I don't think you owe him anything but if it was me I would think about calling him and say something along the lines of 'you crossed the line, betrayed my trust and I'm not sure that I want to continue this friendship; if I do i'll let you know in the future'. At least that way you have made your feelings very clear and stated where your friendship currently stands.

 

[Delphi124]

Just read the whole thread. This last development really makes me sad. I get why he is into you dude, you're a really caring guy. That is why it is so depressing that he stepped so far out of line like he did. I can imagine how much he regrets what he did and how much he wants the friendship back, but I don't think it is something I could do if I was in your place. No trust left. Really sorry this worked out the way it did, but from the sounds of things you both would probably be better off making new friends and cutting your losses.

 

[epod85]

How is it so many gay men believe the myth of the "formerly straight boy?" We are more then willing to tell the world thay we're gay and that it's not a choice but we so many seem to think it doesn't work the other way around. Straight men don't choose to be straight and no matter what you do you aren't going to change their prefrence.

Robster, as to your friend. It's obvious from your thread and your willingness to seek out a gay forum for help that you valuse this friendship a lot, does he? That's an awefully huge boundry that boy crossed and he must have known what he was doing was wrong, don't care how much he had to drink. Perhaps it's time to take a step back and seriously contemplate whether or not you wish to continue this friendship.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Guys, you should be a little more understanding of Robster's friend. How many times have we had gay guys who have come on this board asking for help because they're hopelessly in love with their straight friends? They're not terrible, bad people undeserving of friendship. Robster's friend made a mistake; but he's human, confused, and very hurt right now. There's a chance to save this friendship. Isn't that what we'd advocate for if Robster's friend had come to us asking for help on how he could get his best friend back?

 

[hotatlboi]

Guys, you should be a little more understanding of Robster's friend. How many times have we had gay guys who have come on this board asking for help because they're hopelessly in love with their straight friends? They're not terrible, bad people undeserving of friendship. Robster's friend made a mistake; but he's human, confused, and very hurt right now. There's a chance to save this friendship. Isn't that what we'd advocate for if Robster's friend had come to us asking for help on how he could get his best friend back?

While I see what you are saying, it would appear that this is not the first time that Robster has made his sexual preference clear with his friend (and that it did not include him). So it may be past that at this point into a situation where he feels that his friend cannot control his attractions or behaviors.

 

[Delphi124]

Guys, you should be a little more understanding of Robster's friend. How many times have we had gay guys who have come on this board asking for help because they're hopelessly in love with their straight friends? They're not terrible, bad people undeserving of friendship. Robster's friend made a mistake; but he's human, confused, and very hurt right now. There's a chance to save this friendship. Isn't that what we'd advocate for if Robster's friend had come to us asking for help on how he could get his best friend back?

I don't know... I'm gay, but if a gay friend of mine grabbed me in my sleep after I told him I wasn't interested in him that way, the friendship would probably be over. It isn't about gay or straight, it is about respecting boundaries and not taking advantage of a friend. I understand where Robster's friend is coming from, but it isn't an excuse for his behavior and after all it is Robster, not his friend, who is asking for advice. I don't think anyone is saying Robster should become his ex-bestfriend's enemy or anything, just that this friendship seems to have gotten to the point where repairing it completely may not be possible.

 

[Robster]

Hey guys.

Again, thanks for the replies. You are all so nice and have no idea what perspective you are giving me. If I didn’t have this forum, my head would have exploded with all this frustration by now.

It’s crazy to think that I originally thought only one or two people (or possibly no one) would reply when I asked the question back during the summer. I’ve been online reading your posts and I’m still on two sides about the whole thing. He’s still trying to contact me. I went to work the other day and came home that evening to find a really long note thrown in my window from him basically saying he’s sorry about what happened and that he didn’t mean to “hurt” me but rather “help” me out. He says he barely even remembers the experience, he was so drunk and if he could turn back the clock, he would. I still haven’t replied, I don’t know what to say. To answer your queries guys…

Maxpowr9 says
“Honestly, if your "friend" knew you had a GF and he pulled a stunt like that, especially while you were asleep, that is crossing the line and there is no going back at this point.”

I don’t have a girlfriend, I did. We broke up awhile before the weekend in question. He has a boyfriend though. Well I don’t know what he’s told him or if they’re still together cause I haven’t talked to him since.

Bankside says
“One other thing I've seen, some straight guys have a bit of fun and get a bit of an ego boost if they can get another guy to fall for them. It's good to be the centre of attention, even if you know it's never going to go both ways. The straight guy knows they'd never let it happen, but they get used to the flattery, or they even get a kick out of seeing how far they can get the gay guy to go. Think back to the last few months. Did you ever do that? If so, cut that shit out. If not, there's not much more to say...”

In the past few years, there were times where we probably got a bit too close in hindsight. You have to remember that he was literally the first ever gay person I personally knew. Like in one particular circumstance, he explained to me now gay sex worked etc. I was genuinely curious (not bicurious) to know about the mechanics behind it, cause I never discussed it with anyone before. But it was never flirty or suggestive, well not from my perspective anyway. I avoided any of these conversations or overly physical interactions in the last few months, since he told me about his feelings towards me. I suppose it’s easily my fault this happened too because I wasn’t that understanding of his feelings and shouldn’t have let him get into the same bed with me. I didn’t really go out of my way to think about what perception he may have been getting of me.

Terry61_99 asks
“Robster, is that you and him in your avatar?”

Yep, that’s us. During much better times, might I add.

AshyPhoenix says
“It seems as if his unrequited feelings for you have gone on for far too long for them to suddenly end, so in my own personal opinion, it's time for you both to move on and find a new best friend.”

It seems like the general consensus on this site is to discard him as a friend and although this friendship is at an all-time low, leaving behind this friendship is easier said than done. It’s difficult for me to find very close friends (not that I’m looking for a replacement, by any means) that I can trust. It annoys me more that he broke my trust, over anything else he did. Even on this forum, it probably seems like I’m painting a horrible picture of him but deep down, he is a very nice guy (up to this point). I’ve told him things I haven’t told anyone else, things that I didn’t think I would ever tell anyone else. He’s really been there for me when other people didn’t have the time. It sounds so stupid but I genuinely thought we’d be friends for life. When I envisioned getting married to my future wife, I saw him as my best man, and vice versa. Just over six months ago, I thought we’d always be in touch, we’d live close-by each other. I realise how cheesy that sounds and you probably find this hilariously stupid but that’s what I imagined. Now everything’s fucked up and I can’t see him in the same light.

Also, one other thing… All our friends are asking me why we’re arguing and I don’t feel like I can tell them the story as it’s kind of embarrassing. What should I tell them?

I seriously owe you guys one. I would be absolutely clueless without this site. I didn't know that the gay community had such a supportive online presence even for an outsider. Thanks again.

Rob.

 

[TX-Beau]

That is sexual assault, and it is a crime.

You are under no obligation to forgive him, you won't be a bad person if you don't, and you are perfectly justified in being pissed the fuck off.

That said, you probably need some distance right now, and I'm going to be a dick and say I told you so. No you don't have to abandon him if you don't want to, but you do need to push him away until he's got control of his own damn self. He'll never get over it until you do.

There is this mindset guys get into - gay or straight - where they go chasing after the impossible, mistake friendship for love, and end up doing incredibly stupid and sometimes really creepy things to their own detriment.

You know what, that's usually not about love, it's about intimacy issues that the guy who pulls that has in his head. No person free of issues is going to chase the impossible guy. It's just self inflicted torture, and pointless. That's about issues he has with himself - his sexuality, and his self esteem. You can't fix that, you can't help.

One of the other posters in here told the story of this friend of his who chased this impossible woman for a decade, and then she married someone else and told him to bugger off. Was that love most true? Hell no that was mental disease.

It may seem like I'm being harsh - but you know what - that's the only way he'll ever hear you. His neurosis is going to tell him that every overture you make that's really nice, means hope. YOU combat that by being extremely blunt and keeping your distance UNTIL he's got control of himself. Plus, once a guy crosses the line from mooning about you and angsting about you into sexual assault - he needs to hear it loud and clear that that is fucking selfish, betrayal, and unacceptable and he needs to fucking apologize loud and long - from a distance.

 

[TX-Beau]

What do you tell your friends? You're certainly entitled to tell them if you feel like you need to, you did nothing wrong - whether you do or not really is more about you than about him.

 

[terry61_99]

Rob,
Seems like you guys have gone thru a lot together and have a great history together. What he did was really wrong and I can totally understand where you are coming from. From where I am sitting, I think that if I was you I would give him the chance to prove to you he really is sorry and that nothing like that will happen ever again. Everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others but never the less. Really good friends are very hard to come by, I feel he is really a good friend. Things may never be the same but I would give him another chance. Please keep us updated! All the best to you both.

 

[bankside]

Bankside says
“One other thing I've seen, some straight guys have a bit of fun and get a bit of an ego boost if they can get another guy to fall for them. It's good to be the centre of attention, even if you know it's never going to go both ways. The straight guy knows they'd never let it happen, but they get used to the flattery, or they even get a kick out of seeing how far they can get the gay guy to go. Think back to the last few months. Did you ever do that? If so, cut that shit out. If not, there's not much more to say...”

In the past few years, there were times where we probably got a bit too close in hindsight. You have to remember that he was literally the first ever gay person I personally knew. Like in one particular circumstance, he explained to me now gay sex worked etc. I was genuinely curious (not bicurious) to know about the mechanics behind it, cause I never discussed it with anyone before. But it was never flirty or suggestive, well not from my perspective anyway. I avoided any of these conversations or overly physical interactions in the last few months, since he told me about his feelings towards me. I suppose it’s easily my fault this happened too because I wasn’t that understanding of his feelings and shouldn’t have let him get into the same bed with me. I didn’t really go out of my way to think about what perception he may have been getting of me.

My mom hugs me and she'll even give me a kiss on the cheek, but I never have to worry about her grabbing my package because I "let us get too close." Closeness is not the problem, it's what it means.

I have had that gay sex conversation with a straight friend of mine. He [STRIKE]likes[/STRIKE] loves eating out, and he'll get his tongue so far into any woman he's dated i'm sure the people from Guinness want to know. But I was curious about it too even if I never wanted to do it. I found it totally fascinating to hear how it works, and I was also genuinely curious the same way he was. Never grabbed him though, because that's not where I was even trying to go when he and I had that conversation.

What I meant to say is some straight guys will kind of bait the gay guy, and they know they're doing it. That's not the same thing as being open and close, which is just fine.

 

[TX-Beau]

I knew a guy like that back in college, he even kissed me once - but it was really clear that he was getting off on the teasing, and I didn't ever assume it was more than that - and it wasn't.

Someone who is putting all this emotional investment into something he knows isn't going anywhere is doing so for reasons other than love.

 

[Newmercedes]

That hate/anger that you are feeling will go away. While I in NO WAY condone what he did, remember that this is someone that by your own admission, you care about and love as a friend. And I cannot tell you what the relationship should look like in terms of whether or not you hang out with each other or what if anything you do together. However, I think you will forever regret trying to hate him for the rest of your life. Remember that I have been in a similar situation and while I am angry about the way some things went down, I would never let my friend sleep out in the cold or starve to death. I will go to my grave loving my friend even though we have not seen each other in two years.

Very nice Mano