How do I get over this?

[drunkenmoron]

When I was in college, I worked at a Denny's for a spell as a waiter. David was a cook there and going to another university, so we barely had any interaction whatsoever, but he was just too gorgeous to be denied.

I invited him to drinks one night that our fluctuating schedules allowed us a night off together. He knew I am gay, so he was vocal about not going to gay bar. We hit a trendy bar downtown, and while he was playing darts, I struck up a conversation with a pretty girl. I went to the rest room, and when I came back, that girl was telling Dave, "Get the F away from you flaming queen!"

Dave went on and on and on about that for the rest of the night, even after a different bar. When we got back to his place, I finally told him, "Methinks thou doth protest too much." I told him, "You're either repressed gay, or at the very least a bisexual in denial." Long story shorter, we exchanged blow jobs that night!

Thanks for lightening up the thread a little dude, you're a lucky guy. The way he reacted after I told him someone thought he was gay said a lot to me, because a while ago I'd have reacted in the exact same way.

 

[warrenxx]

You have got to remember I was convinced the guy I fell for felt the same. I 'd go back to his and sleep on the floor next to his bed. Never managed to share his bed. However, when he was wasted he tell me he loved me all the time. He'd catched himself doing it sometimes; look embarassed and follow it up with like a brother. All odd behaviour that was either real or I want to believe was real. If you do tell him your gay and he is straight and he accepts it then it changes nothing. You still have those intense feelings and longing they don't go away. If that happens or you decide not to tell him then, for your long term well being you need to walk away. It's going to hurt. It could take years as it has in my case before you start to feel better but you need to act. As somone else said maintaining the status quo saying nothing and trying to keep the friendship alive will, ultimately, prove too much of a strain and will kill the friendship. It will have a terrible effect on your well being. Even if he is 100% straight, no matter how rational you try to be you will still convince yourself that there is a chance. Don't under estimate how devasting him telling you he is straight is going to be. It will be unbearable to be around him. Unrequited love is devasting and it wounds you on a level you didn't think existed. The worsed thing is there is nothing you can do about it other than to gradually work through it. Maybe I am just too soft and need to toughen up. I am still hoping for a happy outcome. Please keep me posted.

 

[burke67]

Hey DM,

I'm glad to hear you're planning to be forthright with your counsellor. Speak to her in the terms you're comfortable with, above all be open with her. Her chosen profession is to help others help themselves. The more info she has the more she can help you.

Have a great weekend!



B

 

[drunkenmoron]

Hey DM,

I'm glad to hear you're planning to be forthright with your counsellor. Speak to her in the terms you're comfortable with, above all be open with her. Her chosen profession is to help others help themselves. The more info she has the more she can help you.

Have a great weekend!



B

Thanks man!

Well... I went and did exactly what I thought I couldn't. We went out and got hammered yesterday and came back to mine, I kinda broke down and he was doing everything he could to comfort me, I told him I needed to leave town and couldn't be around him anymore, eventually leading to me coming out to him.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better reaction, he sat and hugged me for a while til I calmed down, I told him I didn't want him to think differently of me or stop staying round, he was really awesome about the whole thing. I would've expected to wake up today and feel like I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, instead I feel pretty good... we spent the day watching films together, as close as ever. He even made a little joke this morning... I'd said something and he said 'that's what he said' instead of 'she', I know it's something little but it meant a lot.

Anyway, I guess the ball's in his court now. He told me I'm the best friend he's ever had and he loves me, I said the same, whether the 'best friends' thing comes across as another barrier for him or not I don't know. I do believe he genuinely loves his girlfriend... I don't think he's gonna be willing to do anything to ruin or end their relationship, so I think this is the way things are gonna stay. Being honest with him though has made me feel a lot better, I did intend to 'come out' to everyone here now but I might leave it a while just in case that puts him off if he's considering anything.

Thanks for all your advice fellas, I'll keep this thread updated

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Drunkenmoron,

Thanks alot for this update. Wow man, so you did it and he showed a good and wonderful reaction. Tha't's very great and I am extremely happy that you had the guts to come out to him. I tend to think that this will also give a positive boost on your own self esteem.

Hey man, you are gay, and your best friend does not care you are gay. He likes you as a friend. So just go on with being his best 'guy-friend'. So keep doing all the 'guy-things' you were always doing with him.

Please don't push him. Likely (?) he will also need to time to think about this new situation. You did the only thing what you had to do: you told him that you are gay. And please keep considering him as straight, unless he tells you something else. But also straight guys can be very touchy and close to other guys, that does not imply they are gay (or bi).

Take your time to open yourself to others, and do it on the way you think is the best one. Well, tell your best friend that its not a secret that you are gay, so that he can mention it to other friends (or with his sisters or whatever) when the items pops up (or something like that). I mean, your friend will also discuss having a GF with others, so why not this particular item of you?

You might also be somehow 'vague' or follow some sort of 'don't care' strategy, or some sort of passive strategy (you don't take actions to tell, but you just answer questions), or make some hints (talk with girls about handsome guys passing by, and things like that).

Anyway, I really would like to wish you success. Very likely, you feel happy and much more relaxed right now. Try to keep this relaxed mood as long as possible.

Keep us informed.

 

[drunkenmoron]

hi Drunkenmoron,

Thanks alot for this update. Wow man, so you did it and he showed a good and wonderful reaction. Tha't's very great and I am extremely happy that you had the guts to come out to him. I tend to think that this will also give a positive boost on your own self esteem.

Hey man, you are gay, and your best friend does not care you are gay. He likes you as a friend. So just go on with being his best 'guy-friend'. So keep doing all the 'guy-things' you were always doing with him.

Please don't push him. Likely (?) he will also need to time to think about this new situation. You did the only thing what you had to do: you told him that you are gay. And please keep considering him as straight, unless he tells you something else. But also straight guys can be very touchy and close to other guys, that does not imply they are gay (or bi).

Take your time to open yourself to others, and do it on the way you think is the best one. Well, tell your best friend that its not a secret that you are gay, so that he can mention it to other friends (or with his sisters or whatever) when the items pops up (or something like that). I mean, your friend will also discuss having a GF with others, so why not this particular item of you?

You might also be somehow 'vague' or follow some sort of 'don't care' strategy, or some sort of passive strategy (you don't take actions to tell, but you just answer questions), or make some hints (talk with girls about handsome guys passing by, and things like that).

Anyway, I really would like to wish you success. Very likely, you feel happy and much more relaxed right now. Try to keep this relaxed mood as long as possible.

Keep us informed.

Yeah he handled it better than I could've imagined really, seems like it hasn't changed a thing . Yeah I'm not gonna push him or anything now, I'm just gonna leave it be and see how it goes.

I told him to keep it to himself because I wasn't ready tell everyone yet, I've got no doubts that's what he's gonna do, but in a few weeks I might just tell him its ok for him to speak to people about... it'll make it easier for me because then they can approach me with questions rather than me approaching them with an 'announcement'.

Thanks a lot anyway man, guess I pretty much followed your advice in the end and it feels like I've done the right thing. I'll post any updates here

 

[burke67]

Thanks man!

Well... I went and did exactly what I thought I couldn't. We went out and got hammered yesterday and came back to mine, I kinda broke down and he was doing everything he could to comfort me, I told him I needed to leave town and couldn't be around him anymore, eventually leading to me coming out to him.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a better reaction, he sat and hugged me for a while til I calmed down, I told him I didn't want him to think differently of me or stop staying round, he was really awesome about the whole thing. I would've expected to wake up today and feel like I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, instead I feel pretty good... we spent the day watching films together, as close as ever. He even made a little joke this morning... I'd said something and he said 'that's what he said' instead of 'she', I know it's something little but it meant a lot.

Anyway, I guess the ball's in his court now. He told me I'm the best friend he's ever had and he loves me, I said the same, whether the 'best friends' thing comes across as another barrier for him or not I don't know. I do believe he genuinely loves his girlfriend... I don't think he's gonna be willing to do anything to ruin or end their relationship, so I think this is the way things are gonna stay. Being honest with him though has made me feel a lot better, I did intend to 'come out' to everyone here now but I might leave it a while just in case that puts him off if he's considering anything.

Thanks for all your advice fellas, I'll keep this thread updated

Y A Y ! ! ! !

Awesome news to hear you've crossed a line for yourself. Even better news to hear you best-friend is cool with it. Neat to hear he's incorporated the revelation into his usual banter.

I'll leave the continuation of your coming-out to a wider circle to you. You now have a positive to reflect on and a supportive and loving best-friend to be there with/for you.

Do you still plan to pursue your counselling?

Such awesome news!

Cheers

Burke

 

[drunkenmoron]

Y A Y ! ! ! !

Awesome news to hear you've crossed a line for yourself. Even better news to hear you best-friend is cool with it. Neat to hear he's incorporated the revelation into his usual banter.

I'll leave the continuation of your coming-out to a wider circle to you. You now have a positive to reflect on and a supportive and loving best-friend to be there with/for you.

Do you still plan to pursue your counselling?

Such awesome news!

Cheers

Burke

Thanks a lot man

I'm not really sure how to feel about the whole thing now though, I feel embarrassed about crying and getting so worked up about it around him and him having no kind of big reaction to it whatsoever. I'm not sure if he thinks I've forgotten I told him or something, but I'm more than happy to mention it again should it come up.

Yeah I'm still gonna go counselling, there are more issues than just being in the closet but I'm sure once it's out in the open with everyone it's gonna take a fair amount of weight off, the counselling should sort the rest

 

[drunkenmoron]

Well, dude's just thrown a spanner in the works. It seems not only have I gone through coming out to him, but I'm gonna have to go through the whole thing again.

I couldn't sleep again last night, my brain wouldn't stop, mostly thinking about him. I ended up messaging him on Facebook and asking exactly what I said to him the other night... I told him I remember what I told him but that it was patchy. 90% of the time he remembers what goes on and what's said when we drink, and we drunk less than usual on this night.

He turned around and said he remembers me not being happy with everyone, getting upset and wanting to leave town, remembers ordering food and that's it. I think he might be lying, but I don't get why he'd do that? I can sort of understand if he thinks I don't remember and doesn't want to tell me I outed myself to him because it might make me feel bad... but I obviously told him for a reason. He could also be trying to keep me in the closet, so nobody has to know/think he has a gay friend. He might've woken up feeling different about it to how he did when we were drunk.

I find it weird how he made that joke the next day - which I guess could've just been a little dig at me - and later in the evening he brought up that girl I was texting. He told me to get her to come round if I wanted, I said 'what the hell would I want to do that for, I need to get rid of her'. I didn't really get an answer or reaction to that, I guess it's possible he doesn't remember

 

[burke67]

DM,

Hmmmm! Damn booze and its "plausible" deniability... For now; don't over-think things as they relate to your friend, keep moving yourself forward to where you know your need to go.

All I can suggest at his juncture is you moving forward with your counselling. A thought occurs; you could perhaps print this thread out and present it to her. It would be a great way of presenting this aspect of your current state of mind to her.

So sorry that the perceived positive has turned about and become a burden for you. Your friend and his state are not your concern right now. Keep the focus on you!

Chin up!

Burke

P.S. As much as booze lessens our anxieties and reticence... it is not a good addition to personally profound situations.

 

[drunkenmoron]

DM,

Hmmmm! Damn booze and its "plausible" deniability... For now; don't over-think things as they relate to your friend, keep moving yourself forward to where you know your need to go.

All I can suggest at his juncture is you moving forward with your counselling. A thought occurs; you could perhaps print this thread out and present it to her. It would be a great way of presenting this aspect of your current state of mind to her.

So sorry that the perceived positive has turned about and become a burden for you. Your friend and his state are not your concern right now. Keep the focus on you!

Chin up!

Burke

P.S. As much as booze lessens our anxieties and reticence... it is not a good addition to personally profound situations.

Thanks man, the counselling honestly can't come soon enough... having said that, there's been a pretty big development.

The dude came around mine yesterday to watch a film and stuff, I got 4 bottles of wine and some beers in, we got through the lot. Conversation starts moving to sex and I was basically telling him just through our general conversation that I was gay. He ended up coming out to me.

This would be awesome, but he said he was bi 60/40 towards women 'because of [girlfriend]', I don't really believe him. We held hands and cuddled for a while, we discussed gay sex and stuff and he was hinting pretty strongly at 'experimenting' as he liked to call it. I said it might be an idea to leave it a few days so he can sort his head out as I'm the only person he's ever told. I was also kinda worried about how it would affect my situation.

Anyway, we ended up kissing, first time I've kissed a guy and it was the most amazing feeling ever. He said something about how much he loves his girlfriend and doesn't want to cheat on her again, then grabbed my head and started kissing me again. Then he says he can't do it, he loves her too much, he's staying in the closet and can't take things any further with me.

I broke down, told him I need to either move away or we need to spend a lot less time together because I've developed an unhealthy attachment for him and my jealousy's getting the better of me. He got upset and started begging me not to leave. After a while of this crap he kept asking me, at least 10 times, never to tell his girlfriend. I kept telling him I'm the safest guy he could've told and he knows it, but he kept bringing it up, panicking.

Anyway, we woke up this morning and I could barely look at him. I'm so angry with him for essentially dangling himself in front of me then running off when things started happening. He told me 'if I didn't have a girlfriend I'd jump on you right now and tear your clothes off', but he does, so he didn't and I couldn't.

I'm feeling absolutely horrible to be honest. It came so close to working out, I felt better than I'd ever felt before for a short spell last night, now I'm supposed to just forget about it and carry on like normal

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Drunkenmoron,

Thanks alot for telling us this update. I tend to think that you have done the things well. Congratulated for the courage!

Maybe you just must give him some 'air' / 'space' (= time, maybe some weeks, who knows?) to think over the new situation. You were the first guy ever he has told to that he in not 100% straight?

So I can imagine very well that he is now very confused. He knew from inside that he has -some sort of- gay feelings for you, but that was hidden to you (well, you had some suspicions). Right now, the situation is totally different. You told him you are gay, and he has told you that he is bi, but 'occupied'.

I tend to think that both of you have done the right thing. Kissing / hugging each other is ok, and I can imagine very well that your first 'gaykiss' with him was very, very relaxing, and that you (well, both of you) liked it very much. Both of you don't need to pretend to each other that both of you are straight, son now you may call a kiss a 'gaykiss' (though the word is a bit weird).

Well, count your points you have reached. (1) you told a male that you are gay, and the world is still the same; (2) you feel very, very relaxed and less stessed after coming out to him; (3) a positive boost on your self esteem which likely will also have effect on other 'issues'. (4) the first time kissing and hugging with a bi (or gay) who knew you were gay, and u liked it very much.

Take your time, and realize yourself that opening yourself to others is a process that takes some time. And give him enough air to let him think about his situation, and be aware that he has a girlfriend. That's a fact, so don't cheat, especially because he told you that he does not like to do this. I can imagine very well that this is difficult for you, but its just the reality. Hey man, loads of straight guys have similar 'problems' with girls (eg the ones who have a boyfriend, they are unavailable).

Likely, your ftiend will need time to think about his girlfriend, and about relation issues with her. I have no idea if he and his girlfriend talk about this kind of issues (ie his sexual feelings which are not exclusively straight, etc).

So take your time, don't feel too much stressed, and stay honest.

Stay on good terms with him as a friendly and very good friend. There is no fixed rule you should meet him every day. And you can also be his very good gay friend (so as a guy friend, similar like the friendship you used to have with him).

Feel free to react, and please keep us informed with an update.

 

[drunkenmoron]

hi Drunkenmoron,

Thanks alot for telling us this update. I tend to think that you have done the things well. Congratulated for the courage!

Maybe you just must give him some 'air' / 'space' (= time, maybe some weeks, who knows?) to think over the new situation. You were the first guy ever he has told to that he in not 100% straight?

So I can imagine very well that he is now very confused. He knew from inside that he has -some sort of- gay feelings for you, but that was hidden to you (well, you had some suspicions). Right now, the situation is totally different. You told him you are gay, and he has told you that he is bi, but 'occupied'.

I tend to think that both of you have done the right thing. Kissing / hugging each other is ok, and I can imagine very well that your first 'gaykiss' with him was very, very relaxing, and that you (well, both of you) liked it very much. Both of you don't need to pretend to each other that both of you are straight, son now you may call a kiss a 'gaykiss' (though the word is a bit weird).

Well, count your points you have reached. (1) you told a male that you are gay, and the world is still the same; (2) you feel very, very relaxed and less stessed after coming out to him; (3) a positive boost on your self esteem which likely will also have effect on other 'issues'. (4) the first time kissing and hugging with a bi (or gay) who knew you were gay, and u liked it very much.

Take your time, and realize yourself that opening yourself to others is a process that takes some time. And give him enough air to let him think about his situation, and be aware that he has a girlfriend. That's a fact, so don't cheat, especially because he told you that he does not like to do this. I can imagine very well that this is difficult for you, but its just the reality. Hey man, loads of straight guys have similar 'problems' with girls (eg the ones who have a boyfriend, they are unavailable).

Likely, your ftiend will need time to think about his girlfriend, and about relation issues with her. I have no idea if he and his girlfriend talk about this kind of issues (ie his sexual feelings which are not exclusively straight, etc).

So take your time, don't feel too much stressed, and stay honest.

Stay on good terms with him as a friendly and very good friend. There is no fixed rule you should meet him every day. And you can also be his very good gay friend (so as a guy friend, similar like the friendship you used to have with him).

Feel free to react, and please keep us informed with an update.

Thanks for another nice reply

Yeah I think that's gonna be my aim now, to let it lie and allow him to give more thought to how he really feels... it was maybe a little bit naive of me to expect him to be able to drop everything and come to terms with things instantly, but I'd dreamed of ending up in that situation (he's into me too) so I was slightly blinded by feeling over the moon about it.

I'm thinking about how to keep the subject OK to talk about. Obviously I won't talk about gay stuff with him in public, but I don't want him to feel like him telling me was a mistake and recoil back into the 'straight guy'.

Yeah I guess I've come pretty far... just a week ago I would never have imagined I'd be in this position, even if it isn't ideal at the moment. I'm not gonna try any 'funny business' with him but I'm also not gonna back off completely, I'll keep close to him like we've been doing for months.

He's visiting his girlfriend this weekend so I'm hoping it might make him think more about the situation, maybe miss me while he's away and be happy to see me when he gets back, it might jog something in his mind... or maybe that's wishful thinking.

Either way, I'll continue posting updates here

 

[drunkenmoron]

So it's only been 2 days and it's already killing me... mainly because we're just carrying on as though nothing happened, except he's noticing how unhappy I am and always asking if I'm alright... he seems to be doing absolutely fine except he's no longer playfully punching me or touching me at all.

I was just wondering whether you guys think it'd be wise to try and talk to him about what happened and tell him how I'm feeling about it, or whether I should leave it well alone for the time being and bring it up if nothing changes?

I'm not sure if our friendship can last like this to be honest... I'm starting to resent him. It just seems as though what happened means nothing to him, though at the time, straight after we kissed he kinda backed off like 'I can't do this', I backed off and told him if he didn't enjoy it and it wasn't for him that's fine (kinda wish that was his answer,) his answer was 'it's not that at all... it's that I enjoyed it too much, I can't do this to [girlfriend]'. Do I take that as him trying not to hurt my feelings or as him being genuine?

I can't believe things have gotten so much more difficult in a situation where they were supposed to get better

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Drunkenmoron,

Thanks for your update. You mention alot of positive things, and I would like to give you the advice that you must look to these positive developments.

(1): we're just carrying on as though nothing happened That's great, as he could also have decided to stop being your close friend (or even disown you, of fight with you, or tell the whole world that you are gay and filthy and so on).

(2): he's noticing how unhappy I am and always asking if I'm alright Great again. as your friend is really very caring about your well being. Hey man, he is a great friend of you, and he does not care that you are gay.

(3): It just seems as though what happened means nothing to him, though at the time, straight after we kissed he kinda backed off like 'I can't do this', I backed off and told him if he didn't enjoy it and it wasn't for him that's fine (kinda wish that was his answer,) his answer was 'it's not that at all... it's that I enjoyed it too much, I can't do this to [girlfriend]'. Do I take that as him trying not to hurt my feelings or as him being genuine?

Well, I tend to think that he was very honest to you, and that he does not want to hurt your feelings and the feelings of his girlfriend. The kissing (and also the mutual coming out) means alot and alot to him, but he needs just time to sort out the consequences. Give him this time and space. Be aware that he could also have reacted very, very negative on the kiss and everything else.


The guy is committed to his girlfriend, and the kiss with you was nice (and sweet and so on), but just for once. I can imagine very well that this is tough for you (even if he may like it very much). But hey man, how many of your straight college mates will have similar feelings for the girlfriend of their best guy friend? How many of these college mates dream about kissing the girlfriend of their best guy friend? A lot? But they are realistic, and they know they cannot do that. The girl is occupied / committed to a guy, and serious straight guys don't do these things with the girlfriend of their best guy friend. That's just life.

Take your time, and please realize that your best friend will need time (maybe several weeks) to 'rebalance' himself. I mean, likely that he must think and re-think about his sexual orientation. I mean, it was also for him the first time to kiss a GAY guy (=you), and to experience that he liked it (very much). Be aware that this can be confusing for guys who are still exploring their sexual orientation. Guys who are 100% gay (you are me) don't face problems that we are confused what to do with our feelings for girls. We (you and me) don't have them (so we are 100% gay), but your friend seems to have both. So maybe he needs to sort out how things are with him. Likely, this thinking and re-thinking will cost time, likely more then 2 days.

So take your time. keep cool and don't try to hurry the things too much. Hey man, he is still your best friend. The guy is NOT your boyfriend, and I can imagine very well that he need 'a break' in regard to fysical contact with you (like punching, and hugging and so on). Just give him this space, and keep doing all the normal things you do with him.

So the things are not 'more difficult'. Excuse me very much, but I don't agree with you. Things could have gone much, much worse. The guy is your good friend, and takes alot of care about your well-being, but he is not your boyfriend.

Best wishes, and feel free to reply.

 

[drunkenmoron]

hi Drunkenmoron,

Thanks for your update. You mention alot of positive things, and I would like to give you the advice that you must look to these positive developments.

(1): we're just carrying on as though nothing happened That's great, as he could also have decided to stop being your close friend (or even disown you, of fight with you, or tell the whole world that you are gay and filthy and so on).

(2): he's noticing how unhappy I am and always asking if I'm alright Great again. as your friend is really very caring about your well being. Hey man, he is a great friend of you, and he does not care that you are gay.

(3): It just seems as though what happened means nothing to him, though at the time, straight after we kissed he kinda backed off like 'I can't do this', I backed off and told him if he didn't enjoy it and it wasn't for him that's fine (kinda wish that was his answer,) his answer was 'it's not that at all... it's that I enjoyed it too much, I can't do this to [girlfriend]'. Do I take that as him trying not to hurt my feelings or as him being genuine?

Well, I tend to think that he was very honest to you, and that he does not want to hurt your feelings and the feelings of his girlfriend. The kissing (and also the mutual coming out) means alot and alot to him, but he needs just time to sort out the consequences. Give him this time and space. Be aware that he could also have reacted very, very negative on the kiss and everything else.


The guy is committed to his girlfriend, and the kiss with you was nice (and sweet and so on), but just for once. I can imagine very well that this is tough for you (even if he may like it very much). But hey man, how many of your straight college mates will have similar feelings for the girlfriend of their best guy friend? How many of these college mates dream about kissing the girlfriend of their best guy friend? A lot? But they are realistic, and they know they cannot do that. The girl is occupied / committed to a guy, and serious straight guys don't do these things with the girlfriend of their best guy friend. That's just life.

Take your time, and please realize that your best friend will need time (maybe several weeks) to 'rebalance' himself. I mean, likely that he must think and re-think about his sexual orientation. I mean, it was also for him the first time to kiss a GAY guy (=you), and to experience that he liked it (very much). Be aware that this can be confusing for guys who are still exploring their sexual orientation. Guys who are 100% gay (you are me) don't face problems that we are confused what to do with our feelings for girls. We (you and me) don't have them (so we are 100% gay), but your friend seems to have both. So maybe he needs to sort out how things are with him. Likely, this thinking and re-thinking will cost time, likely more then 2 days.

So take your time. keep cool and don't try to hurry the things too much. Hey man, he is still your best friend. The guy is NOT your boyfriend, and I can imagine very well that he need 'a break' in regard to fysical contact with you (like punching, and hugging and so on). Just give him this space, and keep doing all the normal things you do with him.

So the things are not 'more difficult'. Excuse me very much, but I don't agree with you. Things could have gone much, much worse. The guy is your good friend, and takes alot of care about your well-being, but he is not your boyfriend.

Best wishes, and feel free to reply.

Cheers, I really appreciate you still taking the time to help me, I must sound like a broken record by now but obviously my heads a bit all over the place at the minute.

I appreciate these things sound like positives compared to what could have happened, but I didn't expect him to react badly to me being gay, just act a bit differently towards me. I hope you're right about the kissing meaning something to him... the way everything's stayed the same has started making me question whether he's having serious regrets about what happened, or that he just didn't enjoy it at all.

I understand the 'straight guy/friend's girlfriend' analogy, but I think our situation's a little different, as we have reciprocated feelings for each other and are being completely honest with each other now, it's just that he's the only person who can do something to make things better and I honestly don't think he will. He needs to tell his girlfriend about his sexuality and explain that he needs to explore the other feelings before committing to her entirely... I think she'd be fine with it as they agreed they can see other people while they're apart (which he broke off pretty quickly after kissing someone while we were out).

I did honestly want to give him plenty of time, but it looks like it's not gonna be beneficial in any way, so I can see myself having to break off the friendship as this is just torture for me. Either that or I try to meet someone else, but there's a big problem there which I'll probably post about on here once this thing has run its course

But yeah, on the face of it things shouldn't be more difficult, but I'm feeling a lot worse so they are more difficult for me. I was just sitting with the guy on my bed earlier, close together like usual, and because I know he has feelings for me that he won't explore it makes it ten times more painful to have to hold back. I'm not gonna try anything because I respect him too much to try to force him to go there, but I'm sure you can understand how hard this is.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Drunkenmoron,

So how are you doing right now, and did you sleep well? How is the weekend going?

Anyway, please excuse me for some delay in providing you with a reply. You are right, both of you have reciproke feelings towards each other. But, ...........,both of you cannot 'play the straight card' anymore. I mean, both of you were very close friends of each other, but 'straight friends with close feelings for each other'.

Now its different. You told him you are gay, and you have some sort of crush on him. That's good you have told him, and you needed to do it (as the other way was a dead end), but the friendship needs some sort of 'reshuffle'. And often this will take time. I cannot look into his heart, so I don't know anything about his real feelings. Likely (?) he is also confused right now? I mean, what must he do with his gay feelings, and how must he cope with his girlfriend? He likes his girlfriend very much (at least that's what he had told you), so please give him enough air to sort out the details.

I tend to think that you want to change things very, very quickly, but often that's not the case in the real world. Hey man, how many years did it take before you have accepted for yourself that you are gay, how long did it take before you told him you are gay, and how many time will it take before you will not hide anymore to the rest of the world (eg your fellow students) that you are gay?

So all of this takes time, and often alot of time. Well, I tend to give you the advice to make some other gay friends over there (you told me that there are various gay students over there), even better to join any gay event (queer group) over there at the uni. Does this queer group has parties? Why not join the next party?

How about World AIDS day? Was there also any activity at / around your uni in relation to World AIDS day? Joining these events is a very easy way to meet other gays (and gay friendly people) and also let other people know you are gay / might be gay / are a 'gayfriendly' guy.

So how is your weekend going?

And how is the current contact with your friend? Don't think too quick to break this friendship with him. Somehow, I tend to think that you see him as your boyfriend. But that's not the case. Your friend is committed to a girl, and he also needs time to sort out all the news.

So the friendship with him needs some sort of reshuffle, and I doný know how this will end. But please don't decide too quick that you cannot handle this new situation.

Best wishes, and feel free to provide us with an update of with new insights.

 

[drunkenmoron]

hi Drunkenmoron,

So how are you doing right now, and did you sleep well? How is the weekend going?

Anyway, please excuse me for some delay in providing you with a reply. You are right, both of you have reciproke feelings towards each other. But, ...........,both of you cannot 'play the straight card' anymore. I mean, both of you were very close friends of each other, but 'straight friends with close feelings for each other'.

Now its different. You told him you are gay, and you have some sort of crush on him. That's good you have told him, and you needed to do it (as the other way was a dead end), but the friendship needs some sort of 'reshuffle'. And often this will take time. I cannot look into his heart, so I don't know anything about his real feelings. Likely (?) he is also confused right now? I mean, what must he do with his gay feelings, and how must he cope with his girlfriend? He likes his girlfriend very much (at least that's what he had told you), so please give him enough air to sort out the details.

I tend to think that you want to change things very, very quickly, but often that's not the case in the real world. Hey man, how many years did it take before you have accepted for yourself that you are gay, how long did it take before you told him you are gay, and how many time will it take before you will not hide anymore to the rest of the world (eg your fellow students) that you are gay?

So all of this takes time, and often alot of time. Well, I tend to give you the advice to make some other gay friends over there (you told me that there are various gay students over there), even better to join any gay event (queer group) over there at the uni. Does this queer group has parties? Why not join the next party?

How about World AIDS day? Was there also any activity at / around your uni in relation to World AIDS day? Joining these events is a very easy way to meet other gays (and gay friendly people) and also let other people know you are gay / might be gay / are a 'gayfriendly' guy.

So how is your weekend going?

And how is the current contact with your friend? Don't think too quick to break this friendship with him. Somehow, I tend to think that you see him as your boyfriend. But that's not the case. Your friend is committed to a girl, and he also needs time to sort out all the news.

So the friendship with him needs some sort of reshuffle, and I doný know how this will end. But please don't decide too quick that you cannot handle this new situation.

Best wishes, and feel free to provide us with an update of with new insights.

Hi Ganoderma,

I'm doing OK I guess... I've just got this constant uneasy feeling that won't subside at the moment, like I can't concentrate on anything or keep still. Sleeping's still difficult but it seems to be getting better.

I saw my counselor yesterday which was pretty intense and difficult, but I'm glad I went. Unfortunately it was just a preliminary appointment and there's a waiting list for appointments in January. I'm a bit sceptical about how helpful it's gonna be to be honest, I don't really feel any better about things.

Yeah a 'reshuffle' is probably a good word to describe what has to happen... obviously he doesn't want anything to change between us at all, but I think it has to, for both our sakes, after what's happened. Obviously he's at his girlfriend's for the weekend right now, I haven't tried contacting him at all or commented on his Facebook updates. It's harder knowing he's been on there and hasn't contacted me to be honest... he's usually the first one to write each morning.

My counselor advised pretty much what you are with regards to joining the LGBT society at the uni, I'm just not sure I want to. She said I need to expand my circle of friends and start spending time with other people without him being there, even though they're probably not gonna be as enjoyable to spend time with. I text one of my other friends down here to go out tonight but he's a total flake and never has the money to do anything, so he ain't coming out. I don't really speak to anyone else.

My weekend's not going great, but I'm gonna get through it alright I think. I've got a ton of coursework to get on with but I can't concentrate or get motivated. My contact with matey seems to be OK, he's told me he doesn't want me hitting him anymore... I noticed he'd stopped hitting back or having little fights with me, his excuse is that he's 'too lazy' to do it anymore. I think that's bullshit... not sure how to take it though.

So yeah, I'm gonna try to man up and give it time. He's only back for 2 weeks before we go home for Christmas though, then it's 2 weeks away from eachother, time he can spend bonding with his girlfriend and forgetting about me and time I can spend with my family, thinking about him

I feel like I need to talk to him about what happened before we leave. I know for a fact that he isn't happy. When he opened up to me the other night, he became a totally different person. He had a big smile on his face, he seemed to completely ease up and lower his barriers and his voice changed to being a lot more 'gay', which was funny . I've never seen him like that and he probably hasn't seen me as happy as I was either. I think I need to tell him the change I saw in him so he can realize he isn't as happy as he should be. I'll pm you the message I've got prepared for him, it'd be great if you can tell me what you think.

Thanks again

 

[drunkenmoron]

Morning fellas, thought I should chuck a little update in here. I ended up coming out to the remainder of my friends down here last night... I basically told em to leave any discussion about it off of Facebook but other than that, it's all sweet. Everyone took it almost too well... I did it when I was out at a club, got slightly upset because of the booze and stuff and also did my best to try to blow it out of proportion...

I mean, I'm nothing but chuffed that it's gone so smoothly every time I've mentioned it, but I felt like it was a non-event to people which frustrated me because it was so difficult for me to tell em in the first place. But yeah, essentially the only people left is my family... we always drink way too much at Christmas so I'm thinking the subject's bound to rear its head, which worries me but at the same time, if it happens it happens.

I've been chatting with a guy online, we arranged a date and stuff but I canceled because I'm not entirely sure how I'm feeling right now about relationships or anything else. I was all over this girl last night, after telling her I was gay for some reason I felt like I wanted to jump on her... I'm almost reverse-confused... I always knew I liked guys but I'm starting to question whether I've gone and ruled out women too soon. I've had my eye on this guy who's supposed to be gay for a while, he was out with my mate's housemate last night and I was flirting and dancing with him and whatever... unfortunately he seems to have somehow recoiled back into the closet and got a girlfiend a whatnot, so there's another poxy dead end.

Anyway, I don't wanna carry on about pointless stuff, just thought it was worth updating the thread. I've noticed a lot of guys coming on here with similar issues to me... I thought I'd never be able to 'come out', but doing so in the way I have has opened a lot of doors for me and made me a happier guy. I understand how difficult it is, but I'd say it's more than worth it. Obviously I've ended up in the strange situation where the guy I like likes me back, but can't do anything about it, other people might not be so lucky (or unlucky), but the kind of freedom I'm feeling now has made the whole thing a lot easier to handle and even start to get over.

I also wanna say cheers to the guys who helped me on this thread and through PMs, it's helped more than you can probably imagine, so nice one

 

[genthree]

I think you have to back off a bit, I think your dramatic side frightens the guy. I, (like all the rest of us) have been in this situation - sometimes from both sides.
I think if I met a guy like you,I think would be cooling my heels. I go cold on drama and you seem just a bit too emotional.
He, like you, is probably in his own quiet way, trying to work out what a relationship with you would entail.
Not being nasty, just reading between the lines, good luck !