How do I mend this?: My Story

[Seasoned]

I wish I could physically help. I'm a dad and I find your parents beyond contempt for what they've done to you sister and you. Where is she now and are there any other reasonable relatives?

Find a gay friendly church and ask for help.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

What can I tell you? Had a similar story, but luckily I was out of the house by then. More of a business melt down. In any event I spoke to my mom, whom I thought I could relate to better and agreed to meet with her and her pastor. I'm pretty smart when it comes to the bibles and what not since I grew up with it and went to a christian based school from elementary through high school. We sat down and I let her speak. Then i gave my take and he we began to go back and forth. A pretty nice guy I have to say. Religion isn't my thing, but this guy definitely wasn't a bigot. What he said and what kind of shocked my mom was that the Bible is to be used as a mirror, not a hammer. My dad was playing god by trying to force others to choose between a relationship with me or being cast out of the family and his house. It was his egotism and sin that was the issue and not mine. This rattled her a bit and they stopped going, lol. You'll grow up and things will change. You just have to stand on your own two feet as best you can. Grandparents will eventually see it your way as your fathers punishment of them will reflect worse on him as long as you can remain in their good graces. You are in their house now. If it gets unreasonable there, you are on your own. Go back in the closet until you can live on your own. It might be part of your journey, but you can become stronger as a person by it and not have this current struggle define or defeat you.

I can see where my Dad tries to play God, it's almost the same. I basically have gone back in the closet. I've never done anything "gay" per-say. I've never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, never had sex. All I really ever did was masturbate and think about it. My 'coming-out' wasn't even my choice. It was forced out and let know by my Dad to my whole family. I've never gone clubbing even or anything like that.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

I wish I could physically help. I'm a dad and I find your parents beyond contempt for what they've done to you sister and you. Where is she now and are there any other reasonable relatives?

Find a gay friendly church and ask for help.

That's actually kind of funny, she lives here too. But the real discrimination is that my parent would still come over here, still talk to her, to my grandparents. We'd still come over. They just wouldn't let her stay there on principle. No, it's just this "issue" they want to blow up.

There's a church way across town I think, but I don't know if they'd help.

 

[bankside]

I'm sorry. I don't say this lightly. But your parents are assholes. Any time you waste trying to explain basic concepts like dignity or compassion to them is doing them a favour. There is no excuse for them not to know better. And I'm sorry you have to put up with the inconvenience of it all. Please take advantage of all the support available in the community to carry on with your life. You'll have to work hard to keep ahead of things, but I believe it is not a hopeless cause, and given the kind of people your parents are, you're better off without them.

Your situation is one of the only times I have ever actually recommend lying to family members if that is what it takes to gain some stability and buy enough time to find a way out. But please understand that most of us have had at least some family members who show us respect and love us as we are, instead of what your parents do, and it is absolutely no fault of your own that they are like this. You're just as entitled to it as the rest of us, and it is your parents' failing for not coming through. You sound like a decent person. I hope one day you have a family that you can show them what is being denied to you, either a family of your own or nieces or nephews or stepkids or something.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

I'm sorry. I don't say this lightly. But your parents are assholes. Any time you waste trying to explain basic concepts like dignity or compassion to them is doing them a favour. There is no excuse for them not to know better. And I'm sorry you have to put up with the inconvenience of it all. Please take advantage of all the support available in the community to carry on with your life. You'll have to work hard to keep ahead of things, but I believe it is not a hopeless cause, and given the kind of people your parents are, you're better off without them.

Your situation is one of the only times I have ever actually recommend lying to family members if that is what it takes to gain some stability and buy enough time to find a way out. But please understand that most of us have had at least some family members who show us respect and love us as we are, instead of what your parents do, and it is absolutely no fault of your own that they are like this. You're just as entitled to it as the rest of us, and it is your parents' failing for not coming through. You sound like a decent person. I hope one day you have a family that you can show them what is being denied to you, either a family of your own or nieces or nephews or stepkids or something.

Thank you. I don't agree with them at all either, but I have to love them right? They are my parents. I can't lie anymore, it's one of those "cat's out of the bag" things. (-Side Thought- Who ever put cats in bags anyways? Who thought of that?!)
Anyways, if I told them it was a phase they wouldn't believe me anyways, I used that one to save my skin my whole life. They always told me: "You can come to us with anything......unless you're gay, in which case we'll throw you out.", So naturally I never said anything/lied about it. I need to get away, I just have no way of doing it...

 

[Rolyo85]

As ugly as it sounds, you and your sister are better off without those monsters. And you don't have to love them. There is no such obligation when the natural connection of a child and parent is destroyed intentionally by the parent. They aren't being your parents, so why should you be their son? I am not saying you have to hate them, but don't force yourself to care about those abominations on principle.

I only wish you had some stability in your life, and not get thrown in the deep waters without knowing how to swim. But I know you can make it.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

As ugly as it sounds, you and your sister are better off without those monsters. And you don't have to love them. There is no such obligation when the natural connection of a child and parent is destroyed intentionally by the parent. They aren't being your parents, so why should you be their son? I am not saying you have to hate them, but don't force yourself to care about those abominations on principle.

I only wish you had some stability in your life, and not get thrown in the deep waters without knowing how to swim. But I know you can make it.

Well sometimes I feel like I'm just as bad as them if I decide not to love them. I never intended to hurt them, but they don't see it that way, because for them and the rest of my family, it's always a choice. My Dad literally told me, to marry a woman, or be chaste my whole life rather than being gay. He used to say he wants me to be happy, and in his eyes, no one could ever be happy as a "fag". I don't know, I know I can't change it, and I accept it, it's not even a question to me anymore. But everyday, for my whole cussing life, I debate if I'm going to hell or if I could do something different and still be happy.

Well I survived 2 months without insurance of any sort, and without a job, I even have a phone (which has a bill I'll need to pay pretty soon), so I'd say I'm pretty blessed despite the cussedness going on. I just wish I had a job, I'd feel so much safer.

 

[Rolyo85]

NO, you're not as bad for not loving them. Not loving them would be a natural reaction. So would loving them even with all they've done, just don't feel bad if you're not feeling it. And no, you will not go to hell. Lady Gaga has it right, for once - you were born this way, and God - if he exist (another agnostic here) - wants you to be exactly as you are, and loves you the way you are. And so will a lot of people. God is love, not hate and judgment, and the only ones going to hell in this situations are your parents.

Jeez, so many lives destroyed or threatened because some random priest in the middle centuries decided six random passages of the Bible suited his random homophobia...

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Well I wouldn't want them in hell either :/

I don't even count Leviticus. I don't even think my parents know where it is in the New Testament (I do). I'm not here to have a religious discussion though.

I know this was how I was born, just wish things were better.

So essentially, there's no way to mend this?

 

[JohnstonKommer]

I think time will mend it.

You really think so?

 

[maksim9061]

First off, I am so, so sorry for the situation you are in. Someone your age should not be thrown out into the world like that. I understand how even though you are technically an adult, but you don't feel like one. I am 25, and a parent, and I still feel like I'm not an adult. I would visit that church, and just see if they could help. Also just keep looking for a job, and stay strong.

 

[MoltenRock III]

So essentially, there's no way to mend this?

Time will mend this more than likely. Given the experience I've had with religious whack jobs like your parents, it's a power trip right now. They are trying to crush you and your spirit, so you have to come crawling back.

Do you have any cousins, aunts / uncles, extended family that you can safely rely on? How long can you foreseeably stay at grandma's / pa's place? Also, what about school? Did you ever apply to a university or get financial aid forms filled out? (Meaning, using student loans to go to school and pay your dorm rent, food, etc...)

Unfortunately, you were born in a typical Republican "low" tax state that has little to no government programs to help good people hit by an unforeseen tragedy. The charities have to pick up the slack, which makes it incredibly hard to get any help in a place like Florida.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

First off, I am so, so sorry for the situation you are in. Someone your age should not be thrown out into the world like that. I understand how even though you are technically an adult, but you don't feel like one. I am 25, and a parent, and I still feel like I'm not an adult. I would visit that church, and just see if they could help. Also just keep looking for a job, and stay strong.

If I can get across town, I'll try it out. (there's no bus system where I am). I keep looking for a job constantly, but thank you.

Time will mend this more than likely. Given the experience I've had with religious whack jobs like your parents, it's a power trip right now. They are trying to crush you and your spirit, so you have to come crawling back.

Do you have any cousins, aunts / uncles, extended family that you can safely rely on? How long can you foreseeably stay at grandma's / pa's place? Also, what about school? Did you ever apply to a university or get financial aid forms filled out? (Meaning, using student loans to go to school and pay your dorm rent, food, etc...)

Unfortunately, you were born in a typical Republican "low" tax state that has little to no government programs to help good people hit by an unforeseen tragedy. The charities have to pick up the slack, which makes it incredibly hard to get any help in a place like Florida.

ALL my family thinks the same way. Religious to the point of superstition. My grandfather said I could stay as long as I needed, I mean my sister has lived here since she was 16, she's 22 now, she still never got her life back together after all that, but she's doing better. I KNOW my grandpa isn't going to deal with my parents ignoring him and my grandma for 6 more years (If I stayed as long as my sister). Which, let me say, I'm not staying here for more than a year, if I can get a job and save money enough to DECENTLY support myself, I'll leave. I just don't know how much wiggle room I have.

My parents withdrew me from school my last 2 weeks of senior year back in May. Told me they were done paying for school (Private Baptist school, which, I didn't even want, but I wanted to finish senior year), and I had to drop out and get a GED. Yeah. So I was going to get scholarships, but with a GED...yeah, no, it didn't work. I was kicked out a week before my GED test. I did eventually get it though.

I'm sure I could apply for some financial aid, but I'd need my own money to get me started. Right?

 

[palemale]

Have you gone to County Social Services? You may be eligible for Section 8 housing and other welfare programs. I realize these programs have been severely cut, but they may be able to help you out.

 

[evanrick]

get outta the fuckin south first of all. wherever you live it sounds like a fuckin nightmare.
id say stay here but im already housing a brat haha.

 

[rareboy]

I'm so sorry when young men and women go through this.

The first thing you can do is tell your parents you forgive them for their anger, hate and ignorance.

Give them the phone number for PFLAG counselling.

Next, as others have suggested, time to get away from your family as far as you can get. Even though your grandparents are doing their duty by you, it isn't going to be happy times.

Stay in school, Get educated in a trade or get some skills, because otherwise you will end up on the heap unless you can learn on the job and are content with low wage, no benefits work.

Contact pointfoundation.org to see if they can help you with completing schooling.

Go to Social Services and ask for their guidance.

At this point, your parents have forfeited their right over your life from hereon. This can't be fixed until they want to fix it.

While they have withdrawn their love and support from their child, you are now an adult and must learn to be independent and to accept the love and friendship of a larger community out here.

Good luck and keep us up to date.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Have you gone to County Social Services? You may be eligible for Section 8 housing and other welfare programs. I realize these programs have been severely cut, but they may be able to help you out.

Yes I went to Social Services. Since I'm eligible to work I'm not going to apply for welfare anytime soon. The county I live in now has no housing programs.

get outta the fuckin south first of all. wherever you live it sounds like a fuckin nightmare.
id say stay here but im already housing a brat haha.

Yeah bible belt ahoy. I'm sure if I lived in the gay world of Fort Lauderdale I'd be better off, but sadly, just the redneck, hateful south. Thank you for the thought though. I wouldn't want to compound the brattiness. lol

I'm so sorry when young men and women go through this.

The first thing you can do is tell your parents you forgive them for their anger, hate and ignorance.

Give them the phone number for PFLAG counselling.

Next, as others have suggested, time to get away from your family as far as you can get. Even though your grandparents are doing their duty by you, it isn't going to be happy times.

Stay in school, Get educated in a trade or get some skills, because otherwise you will end up on the heap unless you can learn on the job and are content with low wage, no benefits work.

Contact pointfoundation.org to see if they can help you with completing schooling.

Go to Social Services and ask for their guidance.

At this point, your parents have forfeited their right over your life from hereon. This can't be fixed until they want to fix it.

While they have withdrawn their love and support from their child, you are now an adult and must learn to be independent and to accept the love and friendship of a larger community out here.

Good luck and keep us up to date.

I know they won't change, but no one understands that here but me. Everyone blames me because it was my choice and yada yada. I don't know what they think I can do about it. Social Services just told me to get a job and apply for scholarships. Which I haven't done yet...I don't even know how.

I do forgive them, I know they don't understand, and I know it hurt them, but it wasn't my intention. I'd love to get away...

 

[Rolyo85]

Apply for a gay-friendly college and explain your situation in a well-worded letter. A lot of colleges will offer immense help for people in your situation if asked the right way.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Apply for a gay-friendly college and explain your situation in a well-worded letter. A lot of colleges will offer immense help for people in your situation if asked the right way.

Really!? Do you have any ideas?

 

[NCDogGuy]

For the school issues, give the community college a call. Someone can explain how to fill out the FAFSA form. It looks like that would be Florida state college at jacksonville.

Also, your pm bucket is full. I'm trying to send you a pm.