How do I mend this?: My Story

[NCDogGuy]

Rolyo indirectly brings up an important point.

Have you taken the sat or act yet?

If not, don't despair - it is just another step.

 

[TX-Beau]

(-Side Thought- Who ever put cats in bags anyways? Who thought of that?!)

People who put cats in bags were on their way to throw them in the river. Ever try to throw an un-bagged cat into a body of water? Which also explains why it might be very difficult to get the cat back into the bag once he escapes.

So. You're the cat. Don't go back into the bag. You know where that ends up. No you don't have to be a saint and forgive anyone. It's fine to be pissed off, it's fine to be resentful. Your parents deserve it - and no they weren't solely thinking about you.

They were also thinking about what all the other Pentecostals would think about them - extremely selfishly I might add - when the fundies found out they had raised a faggot.

Your Daddy raised a Nancy Boy and now he's furious about how much that demeans him. I mean damn boy, how could you do that to him?

Frankly that's always the case in your situation. Neither of your parents are thinking about you at all - no matter what they say. They're only thinking about themselves.

Do they love you? Probably, but that doesn't mean much considering does it?

My extremely religious family didn't kick me out - a lot of them shunned me though - because I was a little older than you when they found out and they never got that privilege, but they did try to force me into ex-homo camp, and sent pastors after me. It took upwards of five years before some of them would even acknowledge me (including two of my brothers,) but what I learned through it all, was that they don't get their drama if you refuse to play.

Some one of my 'phobic relatives says something nasty, I just laugh at them and treat them like lunatics. It took awhile to get there, and get the crap they put in my head out of it, but in the end, all that homophobia only has as much power over you as you let it have.

People have given you a lot of good advice, but the one thing you really need to do, above all the others, is get on the net and start looking for youth programs/services/shelters in places away from where you are. Pick another place and go there. They have universities, and they have student loans in places where they also have gay friendly communities. As a matter of fact you'll probably find your life a hell of a lot easier somewhere else.

And you need that distance to get some space, some confidence, and some perspective.

Thousands of gay men have blazed that trail before you. Including me, and a lot of others, there's always a way, you just have to be willing to work for it.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Tx-beau raises an important point that I continue to appreciate more everyday. Homophobia is about the other person. It is not about you.

Your parents have all kinds of emotions about your being gay. They may feel they failed as parents. Or they failed you. Or that they will be looked down on. Or... or.... or....

It doesn't matter. Those are problems they need to solve themselves. Should they have done what they did to you? I sure don't think so. But you can't control them. To the title of your thread - you will not cause this to be mended. Because their homophobia is theirissue. Not yours.

But you can choose to have a full and happy life despite their poor choices. You deserve that. And you are taking the initial steps to making that happen. Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Have you taken the sat or act yet?

Yes; The ACT. I got a 21 or 24 I think, something around there.

So. You're the cat. Don't go back into the bag. You know where that ends up. No you don't have to be a saint and forgive anyone. It's fine to be pissed off, it's fine to be resentful. Your parents deserve it - and no they weren't solely thinking about you.

They were also thinking about what all the other Pentecostals would think about them - extremely selfishly I might add - when the fundies found out they had raised a faggot.

Your Daddy raised a Nancy Boy and now he's furious about how much that demeans him. I mean damn boy, how could you do that to him?

Frankly that's always the case in your situation. Neither of your parents are thinking about you at all - no matter what they say. They're only thinking about themselves.

Do they love you? Probably, but that doesn't mean much considering does it?

My extremely religious family didn't kick me out - a lot of them shunned me though - because I was a little older than you when they found out and they never got that privilege, but they did try to force me into ex-homo camp, and sent pastors after me. It took upwards of five years before some of them would even acknowledge me (including two of my brothers,) but what I learned through it all, was that they don't get their drama if you refuse to play.

Some one of my 'phobic relatives says something nasty, I just laugh at them and treat them like lunatics. It took awhile to get there, and get the crap they put in my head out of it, but in the end, all that homophobia only has as much power over you as you let it have.

People have given you a lot of good advice, but the one thing you really need to do, above all the others, is get on the net and start looking for youth programs/services/shelters in places away from where you are. Pick another place and go there. They have universities, and they have student loans in places where they also have gay friendly communities. As a matter of fact you'll probably find your life a hell of a lot easier somewhere else.

And you need that distance to get some space, some confidence, and some perspective.

Thousands of gay men have blazed that trail before you. Including me, and a lot of others, there's always a way, you just have to be willing to work for it.

Yeah I'm pretty positive my older brother hates me, and they'll teach my younger brother to as well. They'll probably stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't turn out like me and "rebel" and "become" a "fag". He's only 8...

I was actually thinking really hard about school yesterday. Once I take/fill out the FAFSA, I'll start looking more seriously. My highschool transcripts are a wreck though. 'Failing' all my senior classes probably killed my lovely GPA. Either way, I need to get back into school. I'd rather go to school, live in a dorm and be a kid a tad more than just go out and try and build a complete adult life in minimum wage jobs.

My parents, think they're above everyone, think they're too good. I've noticed it. They'd go to church until someone said something bad about them (like churchies do). Soon their "friends" mean nothing and they're home bashing and roasting like teenage girls. Having a gay son probably wounded my Dad's pride (which is hard to do), and probably put them in the group of those "broken families". Ya know the ones where their kids are crack whores and homosexuals that sleep with disgusting men for money. My Dad is so deluded into his happy family vision, and if it's not exactly how he sees it, it's horrid, and he has to fix it. So he cut his gay son, and his 'rebellious' daughter out and he likes to pretend with my other 3 siblings. They go camping and to amusement parks and all kinds of things. I don't mean to sound bitter, but do you know what they did 2 days after I was gone? They all went to Disney World, like a happy family. The week they got back, they threw my stuff out and repainted my room. Kinda like a cleansing process I guess. Unhappy feelings arose, so they went to Disney....I know that's where I would go.

In any case, thinking about my parents gives me nightmares, I argue and scream at them in my sleep. I've woken myself up crying, and screaming at my mom trying to get her to understand. It sounds all melodramatic and Twilight-y, but I guess those things really happen. It scares me.

I can't control my parents. They'll probably never understand. And I feel so angsty saying that, but it's the goddamn truth to me. They probably really won't.

 

[Rolyo85]

Try and learn to treat this part of your life as a closed chapter. Steel yourself against those people. Prove to them how much of a failure you are NOT, but never expect them to acknowledge it. It's enough that you know it.


Edit: Btw, just a thought, but if your dad acts like he did with you towards his younger children, you can send Social Services after him. You might be doing your younger siblings a huge favor down the line, even if it won't help you. I mean, your sister was not an adult when he kicked her out of home.

 

[backpacker]

Edit: Btw, just a thought, but if your dad acts like he did with you towards his younger children, you can send Social Services after him. You might be doing your younger siblings a huge favor down the line, even if it won't help you. I mean, your sister was not an adult when he kicked her out of home.

This is a very good idea. It might force your parents to get the counseling they need. I think I would wait until you are independent of your grandparents. You never know how they will react to such a move.

Getting yourself in school is a good idea, but don't stop looking for a job while you are working on that. Even if you get financial aid, you will probably need some additional money from a job. It may take a few months before you can start school, so you will need money during that time.

With regard to financial aid, the last I knew they count family income, number of people living in the household, etc. to determine how much you are eligible for. I believe you have to be independent for some period of time before it will be based only on your income. It used to be one year, but I think they may have also added some other restrictions now. I don't mean to kick you while you are down. I just want to make you aware that your financial aid may be somewhat limited if your parents income is too high. You need to talk to a financial aid counselor to see if there are any exceptions for people in your situation.

As bad as your situation is right now, it will get better. I moved out at 18 and managed to support myself while paying for school. I couldn't get financial aid because my parents made too much money, but they weren't helping with my school cost. It wasn't easy, but it's possible to do. You can do it as well. I wish you all the best.

 

[NCDogGuy]

JK - I would tread carefully on retaliation against your parents. Looking out for your siblings is one thing. Trying to get your dad in trouble with the irs is vindictive. Don't underestimate the psychological cost of going agsinst what appears to be your ethical Outlook on life.

I am sad for your siblings the young ones are likely growing yo scared they too will be tossed aside if they step out of line.

Guys - help me encourage jk to go to this. I've told him about it via pm.
Jaxcollegefair.org
A great opportunity to talk to people.

 

[Ganoderma]

First of all, I would like to congratulate you with the recent steps you have taken.

I have read all postings, and I hope you realize yourself that over here in JUB, and also on many other places in real life within and outside the US, most people behave totally different than your parents and the 'inner circle' of your parents etc.

Definately, your dad is a guy with very shallow opinions about people. You told me he does not judge people one by one, but judges people as a group. So your dad judges you as a bad person, just because you happen to prefer males for sexual encounters.

You told me your parents are Pentecostal christians. I feel very sorry that your parents have choosen this type of christian denomination, as there is no way that Pentecostal christians accept guys like you and me.

I have choosen even not to talk or debate with this kind of people. They have problems with me, and they know for sure I will end in Hell. There is no way, how I even could befriend such kind of people.

Moreover, there is no way anyone can ever hold a serious debate and / or discussion with Pentecostals about any subject which has an even distinct relation with their religion. Pentecostals cannot debate and or argue because that's a central part of their religion. 'Things' are true because its written in the bible, and everything what's written in the bible is true. That's their way of argueing, and they will loose any debate when they start to argue about this topic. So they have choosen Not to argue.

It is very sad, but this means that you cannot debate with your parents anymore. Its their choice to adopt this type of christian religion. So, its for 100% their resposibility that they cannot accept you as their son or as a friend. Well, then its up to you to decide what to do, and I think you have made a good decision.

Please go on with the things you are doing right now, and don't try to look backwards too much.

Maybe you should also try to make some friends (male or female, straight or gay or whatever) in your local surroundings.

Best wishes & take care.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Edit: Btw, just a thought, but if your dad acts like he did with you towards his younger children, you can send Social Services after him. You might be doing your younger siblings a huge favor down the line, even if it won't help you. I mean, your sister was not an adult when he kicked her out of home.

Funny you should say that regarding my sister. See when she was kicked out, she DID. Social workers came, knocked on the doors everyday, but we weren't allowed to answer. So my dad gets home and freaks out and tries to come up with something. The house was a mess, my brother has a Jolly Roger on his door, it looked sketchy already. So when they talked to my Dad, he somehow wormed his way out with the "We're a happy christian family and she's rebelious and 'DECIDED' to leave.". Cause not complying with his perfect vision is already deciding to oppose him and deciding to be kicked out, which means you decided to leave. It's a slimy, arrogant, disgustingly selfish way to treat people. So luckily for him, the social worker agreed with him and just went on his merry way. Anything that technically could look bad, he tries to cover up or justify. Like when he threw shit at me, he came back in and said "Bullshit, I didn't throw things, I knocked things over.". Which either way is an immature thing to do. To me he really is the scum of the earth, and I hate being mad and holding grudges, but he really is. And it's frustrating because he worms out of everything and other people refuse to see it. Makes my stomach do back-handsprings all day.

First of all, I would like to congratulate you with the recent steps you have taken.

I have read all postings, and I hope you realize yourself that over here in JUB, and also on many other places in real life within and outside the US, most people behave totally different than your parents and the 'inner circle' of your parents etc.

Definately, your dad is a guy with very shallow opinions about people. You told me he does not judge people one by one, but judges people as a group. So your dad judges you as a bad person, just because you happen to prefer males for sexual encounters.

You told me your parents are Pentecostal christians. I feel very sorry that your parents have choosen this type of christian denomination, as there is no way that Pentecostal christians accept guys like you and me.

I have choosen even not to talk or debate with this kind of people. They have problems with me, and they know for sure I will end in Hell. There is no way, how I even could befriend such kind of people.

Moreover, there is no way anyone can ever hold a serious debate and / or discussion with Pentecostals about any subject which has an even distinct relation with their religion. Pentecostals cannot debate and or argue because that's a central part of their religion. 'Things' are true because its written in the bible, and everything what's written in the bible is true. That's their way of argueing, and they will loose any debate when they start to argue about this topic. So they have choosen Not to argue.

It is very sad, but this means that you cannot debate with your parents anymore. Its their choice to adopt this type of christian religion. So, its for 100% their resposibility that they cannot accept you as their son or as a friend. Well, then its up to you to decide what to do, and I think you have made a good decision.

Please go on with the things you are doing right now, and don't try to look backwards too much.

Maybe you should also try to make some friends (male or female, straight or gay or whatever) in your local surroundings.

Best wishes & take care.

Thank you, and I know exactly what you mean. They don't argue, they don't debate, they just say, "You're deceived by 'the enemy' and you're wrong.". I mean faith is believing in something you can't physically sense, I get that. But have some purpose and evidence why you think a certain way besides "the bible says so". At the very LEAST know where the references are. People don't, because they just go by what they hear.

I'll say this though, I've had many people attempt to 'convert' me, and they all have since given up. All of them. On the other hand, the "fags", have never given up. So you tell me who has more faith and commitment.

On the subject of my Dad though, no matter what I supposedly 'chose', he ultimately chose to cop-out and be a shit father. 'Daddy' my ass.

 

[yehme2]

I don't live in the US so can't offer much help, but i wish you the best. Stay strong.

 

[Ganoderma]

JohnstonKommer, thanks for your nice and friendly reply.

It is quite obvious that over here (this forum of JUB), people often give a large variety of answers on a particular question. So totally different from the way how your dad is trying to talk with you. People over here give different replies, partly because they are different people with different opinions and experiences, but also partly because more answers are possible on that particular question. And then its up to that OP to make a choice.

Using quotes from the bible in any logic debate will finally lead to nothing. Unless people are selectively quoting from the bible (meaning that they choose to ignore certain phrases in the bible which are 'unpleasant').

Good luck and please don't hesitate to ask questions over here.

Best wishes.

 

[Rolyo85]

He might have wormed his way out of it once, but he won't be able to do it twice if they check up on him again. And even if you are supposedly "adult", your story is a very strong case for him being unfit to raise children. Also, it adds credence to your sister's claim from before. I am sure they DO have it on file that he's been checked before.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Keeland you're cracking me up. I think that in my head all the time now. "He's just a thug".

I suppose I should update on my life. I want to say first that it means the absolute world to me that you guys give two shits about my life. I don't feel entirely alone with you guys.

Well I think I mentioned earlier that I need surgery on my neck. Well in the past two weeks it's gotten bigger and bigger and more and more inflamed. So it got to the point where it was so tight and painful I couldn't walk because the vibrations would hit it from my feet up to my head. It was about the size or a citrus fruit, maybe not a grapefruit, but a big lemon or orange, most of it is inside (it's gross, I apologize). Anyways, I had to go the ER, so my grandparents called my mom and she took me. My mom is okay, she's just blinded by biblical ramblings. We talked a lot about everything and that night/morning. Basically, my Dad is trying to play the victim with everyone, holding on to the fact I called him an asshole. So he's going in circles telling everyone how he did nothing wrong and his child rebelled and became a homosexual and called him an asshole. Boohoo poor 'daddy', essentially. My mom was all "he'll probably never talk to you again", like that's supposed to be a bad thing. So we're in the ER and apparently it's closer to my spinal column than they though to they cut it to release pressure, but they have to surgically keep it away from my brain. That's on Thursday..

So that's scary.

I actually had to sit 2 feet away from my Dad and eat last weekend because of a family reunion. He was making snide comments the whole time, I almost slapped him. Just ugh, I wanted out.

I should have known he was going to play victim. My mom still won't admit he did anything wrong, and that's really what bothers me. I really just don't want to care about him or what they do anymore, but 1, my life may literally depend on it, and 2, my grandparents are so set on repairing family ties and whatever else.

As for school/work issues, still no word from anyone, but if I can get a night job, my mom decided to let me use a car. So if I can find that I may be okay. I haven't taken the FAFSA yet because really I've been very ill with my back and colds and this neck issue. Plus I'm trying to focus on getting a job first, save some money, maybe buy a beater, then try again for school.


Anyways that's a small update. I'm on pain pills for my neck, so I apologize if I haven't made sense. I ache all over right now.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ugh, the neck thing sounds sucky - do what you need to get better.

Your mom's brainwashed. Don't try to reason with her. I know other families like that, where the fathers have completely obliterated all sense from their wives. I think the thing to do here is be the bigger man and ignore them as much as you can.

What he's done wrong is so glaringly obvious that if she doesn't see it or denies that she does, no amount of persuasion and arguments will do anything.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Rolyo: Yeah it was a frustrating 3 hours of my week.

And Keeland, thank you for the odd bald man with the globe, I chortled.

 

[MoltenRock III]

You seriously need to enact a 2 time zone buffer rule regarding your family. (meaning you must be/live at least 2 time zones away from your fruit loop parents)

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

I'm sorry for your plight, and I hope you find the help you need. As for your parents, you're better off without them. Throwing out your sister for watching Anime? WTF? You don't need such toxic people in your life and the further you get away from them, the better. Keep your chin up and stay safe!

 

[NCDogGuy]

JK -
Good luck with the neck issues. When you have down moments think about all the guys here who are cheering for you. You can make it through this latest hurdle.

And I question whether two time zones is enough...

 

[Ganoderma]

I think the thing to do here is be the bigger man and ignore them as much as you can.

Hi JohnstonKommer,

Thanks for providing us with an update. Towards my opinion, 'Rolyo85' gave you an excellent advise, and I tend to think you are able to follow this strategy.

Meaning that you behave decent and behave like a responsible adult. So just let your dad shout and tell all kind of bad things about you and let him behave like he does.

I don't have any idea about the other people who were involved in that 'family reunion'. Somehow, I tend to have the idea that such 'family reunions' can also provide people insight in the current situation between you and your parents.

Firstly, you don't need to hide anymore that you are gay, as anyone of the family will be aware of it.

Secondly, your dad has not choosen to prevent you to join this family reunion. He could have done it. In stead, he has choosen to tell anyone around (so at that family reunion) that you are a bad guy, and so on and so on.

I tend to think that most adults will have 'mixed feelings' when a dad is so openly talking in a bad way about his son (who is also over there). I tend to think that most adults have the opinion that such kind of behaviour is 'not done'. This might mean that the reputation of your dad will get damaged.

When you are able to 'play the game right', you just behave as a quiet and a decent and a friendly guy. Even by only attending this family reunion and by having some 'small talk' with some of your cousins / uncles and so on. No need to defend yourself (most religious people will not understand at all), but just keep a low profile. You don't debate (or shout!) with your dad, so then his shouting will end in 'nothing'. You choose a totally different way, and its up to the rest of your family what they do with the current situation.

Maybe (I have no idea if this is the case) you can just continu an earlier conversation you had with one of your cousins about a shared interest (while your cousin told to you 'your dad is 'mad', lets forget about him', or something like this).

Afterwards, people will go home, and will start to think about what has happened. They will go home with in their memory that you behaved as a decent and friendly guy, but that your dad behaved as a '(....)'.

I don't know if this is indeed the case (as I have no idea about what kind of ideas people over there have), so its just an idea.

---------------------------
Take your time, go on with your life, bit by bit. It might be very well that your mum is 'in between 2 fires', ie the love for her son (=you) and the love for her husband. It is very well known, that this is a very tough situation, and alot of people have no idea how to cope with such a situation. I might very well clarify her current behaviour, as you told us clearly that she has not 'thrown you out of your life' (as she helps you with a lot of things).

JohnstonKommer, I think it is very good that you have taken this decision (ie go away from your family, and start a new life as an open gay) at your age. I tend to think that you will overgrow these problems and even (much?) easier then guys with a similar background (so from a very religious family) who came out of the closet much much later.

Best wishes & good luck.

 

[NCDogGuy]

JK - how did the dr visit for your neck go? And how was dealing with your mom during that.

I hope you are well.