How do I tell him... I think he's too fat?

[treanir]

I posted this thread earlier. Read it if you want.

He's a guy I've been chatting to via MSN and Skype for over two years, lately it's been over two hours a day. I care for him and he is extremely fond of me. The fact that he lives in Australia is the only reason why we haven't tried for a relationship yet. We've now been trying to get me to Australia for the Christmas holidays. I see problems, mostly concerning time and money, but there's something I've been keeping to myself:

I think he's too fat.

I've seen him shirtless via Skype and think "oh dear lord". And I like big boys. There's a bloke I fancy physically who's 6'5" and 290lbs. Aussie guy's about the same height-weight ratio. But in his case, it physically repulses me. I absolutely hate myself for saying it, but it's the truth. The implications are legion: without any sort of physical attraction, there's not going to be a relationship. I don't know how trustworthy pictures over the internet are. There's the self-esteem issue that's attached to his. Also, part of me thinks I'm just shallow and should get over it.

I don't want to tell him how I feel. It would hurt him deeply (and I do care for him). Also, it would probably mess up any sort of friendship we have. I don't want to lose him completely. However, if I do go to Australia and my opinion doesn't change, I will have wasted a few thousand dollars, two weeks and will hurt him even more, not to mention myself. Also, I do think he deserves honesty.

I invite anyone to shine their light on this, or take potshots at me. Tell me I'm shallow, tell me I'm right, give me hints on how to tell him as gently as possible (yes please!), whatever. I could use some different views/angles.

 

[Ekim23]

well that is hard to say to him, you might hurt him, but at the same time if you feel like you want to say it, then say it. u'll feel better lol


I would def say it to him.

 

[Lewis1]

I have to say that eventhough I am a fat guy myself I am so not attracted to fat guys, I do like em thick though but not fat lol. And Its just hard to be attracted to someone physically when they are hidden under all that fat. (and when we are bombarded with so many images of ripped men) Being fat is one of those things where you can change it but by the time you do it is most likely that the person that was interested in you but did not like the fat has moved on. And Fat ppul usually want ppul to see them for who they are on the inside but usually our first impressions of ppul are their appearance. Nehoo I am going off on a tangent

You have to be completely honest with this fellow and tell him what you are telling us. If he thinks your worthy he will lose weight for you if you are willing to wait untill he does. Dont worry about his feelings there is no easy way to say "I am not attracted to you because of your weight" (but dont be blunt about it) and do not stop doing what you guys normally do. (Does Taebo)

 

[GL]

be honest and tell him that you love him as a friend but you're not physically attracted to him.

 

[treanir]

@Lewis1: I am definitely willing to wait and support. But at the same time I don't think he should have to lose weight for me if he doesn't want to. I must say that I don't know if he's happy with his weight or not.

@GL: at the risk of losing his friendship altogether?

 

[Lewis1]

I am definitely willing to wait and support. But at the same time I don't think he should have to lose weight for me if he doesn't want to.

I must say that I don't know if he's happy with his weight or not.

Losing weight is a tough thing and you have to be dedicated ready to do so.
& Losing you could be motivation enough & it might not be. But you have to be honest with him

 

[1091MAC]

Tell him you like him as a friend and nothing more. If he pushes you for more you can tell him it is is weight.

If he is in his 30s, I would say the chances of hil successfully losing and keeping the weight off is very small.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>at the risk of losing his friendship altogether?

Yes. Because he isn't going to lose the weight (whether you tell him or not), and you aren't going to get over it.

Lex

 

[GL]

@GL: at the risk of losing his friendship altogether?

if you value his friendship? then yes.

to be dishonest to spare his feelings might lead him to think there is a hope and a chance of a relationship with you.

there is nothing crueler than to be lead on. its better to be let down easily so as to regroup and move on.

 

[treanir]

@Lex and GL: ouch, and ouch. It hurts because it's true.
But how on earth do I let him down easily? I think that's pretty much impossible.

Ugh. I really don't want to say this. I wish I could just change my opinion, or fix the situation without hurting him.

 

[G-Lexington]

You can't, and you can't. So you tell him "I'm not attracted to you sexually".

Lex

 

[GL]

there is no easy way. all you can do is tell him directly and honestly that you are just not attracted to him.

 

[Corny]

Just some stupid questions.

Have you ever seen him before in person? I mean .. you were in Oz and all that, so I guess - yes? Or did this just start out of whatever?
For two years you never talked about physical attraction, when you already thinking about a relationship?

I don't want to break it for you, but you wanted to hear opinions. To me it seems you want to make something work, something of that you know it won't.

But there is nothing to be ashamed about. It's not being shallow if you are not physically attracted to him at all.

 

[treanir]

Yes, I was in Oz, but I've not seen him in person. The chatting, for me, really took off AFTER the Great Aussie Trip. So I haven't seen him in real life yet.

Yes, we did talk about physical attraction. Up to now, this has been pretty much a subconscious thing. It was only today (after the thread quoted in the OP) that I really started thinking about it. I must say I do think he's quite handsome. I really like his face. It's the body. (and I feel that makes a shallow fuckwit)

 

[Corny]

No .. being shallow is if you only go after the appearance. Somebody being fat is a deal breaker for many people. As being slim is a deal-breaker for many bears and the likes.
He can be the nicest person in the world, but unless you are somewhat asexual, sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship.
If it's not there, it's not working. "no body is perfect" - there are always parts about someone that will turn you on more, and some that you don't like that much but can look over it.
you said "it repulses me". that is beyond that.

 

[Fishstix]

If you think he's the one for you then tell him how much he means to you and that you're worried about his health. If you guys get together, you can do a lot of fun activities that involves excercising together and help him monitor what he eats. Do your research on obesity and let him know things but tell him you're only telling him it because you care and are worried about him. Are you willing to give up everything and move to Australia for him? It should be only if you think he could be your soulmate and his fat shouldn't be the only reason you guys shouldn't be together because it's something that could be fixed.

If you want to be honest and tell him that you'd find him hotter if he lost weight, do it after telling him how much he means to you and after complimenting his looks since you really do think he's hot.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi, I have to echo what G-Lexington and Corny say about this. You are not being shallow--if anything, you are beginning to be honest with yourself. And, secondly, it would be very difficult for him to lose the weight out of motivation for you. And, as you say, I don't think you want that responsibility ("change for me--or else.").

If his being over-weight repulses you, there's really no hope for a satisfying sexual relationship. It can't work. And, you cannot change your own attitude about that any more than you can change his weight. This really does NOT make you a bad person, so stop feeling guilty.

What to do? I'm not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes, quite honestly, because I've never been. You could cool the relationship on any number of pretexts thereby skirting the whole weight issue altogether. I think that's probably what most would do. Is it totally honest? No, but it does spare feelings. So, you have to answer the ethical dilemma: Which is better, not being completely honest and sparing his feelings, or having a clear conscience and being honest and hurting his feelings? I tend to spare someone's feelings, if at all possible, but that's me. (I guess, also, to be complete it's not only his feelings that are involved, but given the issue, his self-esteem as well.)

This is a tough one, and one I'm sure many have faced. Let us know what you decide to do--and good luck.

 

[treanir]

As expected, it kept me up for most of the night. And I'm now even MORE confused than I was yesterday.

We just Skyped - he wanted me to meet a mate of his (he's out of town for a day). And I'm still extremely confused. Like I said before: I think he's very handsome, I really do. And I'm not really sure inhowfar the webcam tells the truth about someone's looks. If there's truth to the old "the camera puts on ten pounds", then a crappy webcam may well distort reality even more. I see pictures and think "see, there is no problem, it's the bloody cam."

Clearly, I need to discuss this with him. And I need to be honest. In the end, that IS the best policy. But saying "I'm not physically attracted to you and will never be" may be premature. And I do not want to throw this away needlessly. Perhaps it's best to talk about what would happen if I got there and it turns out there's no physical attraction (because the same problem could well exist the other way around!). And in that, I can definitely mention that I'm doubting.

 

[StlKj]

If you're only going to Australia to visit him and not to move there, the potential relationship is still going to have difficulty because of the distance once you come back home. As much as you care about each other, you both still don't know how the physical chemistry will be when you get together. You could both be the other's ideal physical match over the internet, but when you get together it still might not work.

Why not treat this not as a potential relationship, but as a return to a place you loved visiting once, this time to meet a really good friend? It's only a waste of money if you build it up to be meeting Mr. Right and then get there to find it's untrue.

If you don't believe that's the way to go, then you could just explain that the friendship is very important to you, but that's really what this is--a friendship. You care for him, but the feelings just don't go beyond that now. It's not a lie. If he presses, you could always go back to the chemistry. You find him very attractive, but the physical attractiveness isn't translating to desire on the sexual level for you.

 

[treanir]

Why not treat this not as a potential relationship, but as a return to a place you loved visiting once, this time to meet a really good friend? It's only a waste of money if you build it up to be meeting Mr. Right and then get there to find it's untrue.

I think you hit the nail right on the head there.

Sadly, he does see it as meeting Mr. Right. In his mind, I'm flying over in December, everything's fab and we're so in love that I'm flying back to Australia in June to move in with him. He's expressed that quite often, despite my protesting that that's really quick, that I am the one leaving a life behind etc etc. I must say that he does pressure and guilt-trip me into trying to get his way, albeit not on purpose.