How do I tell him... I think he's too fat?

[StlKj]

You say you "care for" him, and he's "extremely fond" of you. He's said he loves you. You write that distance is all that it keeping you from "trying" to have a relationship, but it sounds like he think is already IN a relationship. But distance isn't the only thing keeping you from it--his physicality "repulses" you. That's not "I'm not attracted to him." "Repulses" is very strong. He pressures you; you protest.

Treanir, it's obvious from your posts on these boards that you are good man with a caring heart. It also seems obvious from the details above that your heart is NOT with this man. If he were to lose all the weight today, the distance and the emotional manipulations would still be there. Are you trying to figure out how to will yourself into this relationship, or are you really trying to figure out how to extricate yourself from the relationship he wants to keep the friendship you enjoy?

 

[GL]

Sadly, he does see it as meeting Mr. Right. In his mind, I'm flying over in December, everything's fab and we're so in love that I'm flying back to Australia in June to move in with him. He's expressed that quite often, despite my protesting that that's really quick, that I am the one leaving a life behind etc etc. I must say that he does pressure and guilt-trip me into trying to get his way, albeit not on purpose.

i think he's assumed more than you've allowed. did you tell him that you "love" him? did you tell him that you were moving "to be with him?" it sounds to me like he's already made that mental transition from simply "being friends" into "being together." and you've yet to meet one on one! and i have to say the pressure and guilt-trips he's imposing on you give me considerable pause.

You say you "care for" him, and he's "extremely fond" of you. He's said he loves you. You write that distance is all that it keeping you from "trying" to have a relationship, but it sounds like he think is already IN a relationship. But distance isn't the only thing keeping you from it--his physicality "repulses" you. That's not "I'm not attracted to him." "Repulses" is very strong. He pressures you; you protest.

Treanir, it's obvious from your posts on these boards that you are good man with a caring heart. It also seems obvious from the details above that your heart is NOT with this man. If he were to lose all the weight today, the distance and the emotional manipulations would still be there. Are you trying to figure out how to will yourself into this relationship, or are you really trying to figure out how to extricate yourself from the relationship he wants to keep the friendship you enjoy?

i have to say i am in agreement with all of matt's points.

i look at it from this perspective: if you love him enough to uproot and move then you would not have made this thread. there is something in the mix that gives you concern and you've found something in him physically that you can use to quantify your trepidation. if it were simply a case of the jitters you would get past that because you and i both know you want something real.

 

[treanir]

Killjoke and GL, you're both right. There's no love from this end, but there is from him. I cannot fall in love with someone over the internet. Or, at least, I haven't in this case. Thus, if I were to go to Australia to meet him (and I do want to) it would be meeting a dear friend.

Something may come of it, you never know. I'm off to Cologne next week and something may come of that. But I'm not getting on that plane to meet the future Mr. Treanir.

Killjoke, your phrase "treat this (...) as a return to a place you loved visiting once, this time to meet a really good friend" sums up everything, I think. Mind if I nick it?

 

[Beef and Fur]

I posted this thread earlier. Read it if you want.

He's a guy I've been chatting to via MSN and Skype for over two years, lately it's been over two hours a day. I care for him and he is extremely fond of me. The fact that he lives in Australia is the only reason why we haven't tried for a relationship yet. We've now been trying to get me to Australia for the Christmas holidays. I see problems, mostly concerning time and money, but there's something I've been keeping to myself:

I think he's too fat.

I've seen him shirtless via Skype and think "oh dear lord". And I like big boys. There's a bloke I fancy physically who's 6'5" and 290lbs. Aussie guy's about the same height-weight ratio. But in his case, it physically repulses me. I absolutely hate myself for saying it, but it's the truth. The implications are legion: without any sort of physical attraction, there's not going to be a relationship. I don't know how trustworthy pictures over the internet are. There's the self-esteem issue that's attached to his. Also, part of me thinks I'm just shallow and should get over it.

I don't want to tell him how I feel. It would hurt him deeply (and I do care for him). Also, it would probably mess up any sort of friendship we have. I don't want to lose him completely. However, if I do go to Australia and my opinion doesn't change, I will have wasted a few thousand dollars, two weeks and will hurt him even more, not to mention myself. Also, I do think he deserves honesty.

I invite anyone to shine their light on this, or take potshots at me. Tell me I'm shallow, tell me I'm right, give me hints on how to tell him as gently as possible (yes please!), whatever. I could use some different views/angles.

First off, he knows he is fat. I won't be a surprise. He may be struggling with it or he may be OK with who he is.

You, on the other hand say that "I want to help" and "I don't want to hurt him". You are putting yourself in a place above him, as if you are better than him, but you don't have that right. No, you don't want to hurt yourself. You want an easy way out, but that's not possible.

Why don't you just tell him that a relationship will never work between the two of you?

You like big boys? I will bet a dollar to a doughnut that in the beginning he said something about being a bigger boy and you said it was OK, you liked bigger boys. So you led him on, for what? What is about you and your personality that allowed this to continue for two years. I think you need some self reflection before you do this again, to someone else.

Now you have to dig yourself out of the hole. Just tell the truth. It's not your right to decide if the friendship is salvageable. You gave that up about 23 months ago. He's probably dealt with people like you before. He's an adult and he has the right to hear the truth and not be patronized.

 

[treanir]

Well, I did invite people to take potshots at me...
Thanks for your opinion. Now, I personally think you couldn't be any further from the truth if you tried. Differing opinions/interpretations based on shapshots, I guess. I could pick the post apart, but the general tenet would be simple: "no, I don't agree".

I must ask this, though: have you read the rest of the thread, or just the first post? Something tells me you read the OP and decided to shoot off. Cool, but read the rest.

 

[Beef and Fur]

Well, I did invite people to take potshots at me...
Thanks for your opinion. Now, I personally think you couldn't be any further from the truth if you tried. Differing opinions/interpretations based on shapshots, I guess. I could pick the post apart, but the general tenet would be simple: "no, I don't agree".

I must ask this, though: have you read the rest of the thread, or just the first post? Something tells me you read the OP and decided to shoot off. Cool, but read the rest.

I wasn't interested if you agree or not. Also, I wasn't interested in debate or your critique of my response. Of course you wouldn't agree. Who would have thought you would? The truth hurts and it's never easy to take the route a man would take, and stand to face what you have done.

Why are you even wasting time posting here, especially when all you are looking for are posts that agree with you?

You've created a mess that you need to solve by telling the truth. You can avoid it all you want, but the truth must be told to this man and you must learn to stop playing with people's minds and hearts.

Stop wasting time looking for people to console you as if you are the victim.

 

[treanir]

Noted. kthxbai.

 

[Ekim23]

Wow that was harsh

 

[magicman84]

We just Skyped - he wanted me to meet a mate of his (he's out of town for a day). And I'm still extremely confused. Like I said before: I think he's very handsome, I really do. And I'm not really sure inhowfar the webcam tells the truth about someone's looks. If there's truth to the old "the camera puts on ten pounds", then a crappy webcam may well distort reality even more. I see pictures and think "see, there is no problem, it's the bloody cam."

This really jumped out at me.

In my opinion, cameras of ANY sort do not do 99% of people any favors. Most people are just not photogenic and pictures, webcast, etc won't do them justice. So that's definitely something I would think about. I can think of three guys who I met after chatting online and having seen pictures of them where I was flat out SHOCKED by how much cuter they were in person.

Also, at least for me, looks are not the most important thing when it comes to attraction. Chemistry is HUGE, and chatting, even with a web cam, is not a good indicator of whether you'll have chemistry in person. But if you do have it, it can really turn things around! I remember one of the first guys I ever went out on a date with. When he first got out of his car and walked up, I really wasn't sure if I was attracted to him. But when we sat down to eat and got to talking, we had good repore and he was funny and the convesation came easily, and by the time the check came I had gone from "eh, not sure" to "boner." We ended up going back to his place and making out/talking for like two hours. I didn't see him again after that but it had more to do with stuff I found out later (like him not being out to his roommates meaning I could never be at his place before like 2am).


Anyway, I hope some of this helps you. Maybe when you do meet him you'll either be pleasantly suprised by what you see or you'll find that his looks don't matter as much as you think.

 

[dark9986]

if you are normally into bigger boys it may not be the wieght but the way he caries it. personally I think it is better to be upfront with that sort of thing. the longer you wait the more it hurts. take it from someone who has been on te recieving end a few times. not from a guy but that doesn't much change things. the quick baindaid approach was much better then the long drawn out approach.

a very straight foward friend of mine once said to me "you know what makes ur dick hard so fuck what everyone else says at the end of the day your feeling are what matter" if your fond of him but aren't attracted to him you need to say so sooner rather then later. it will hurt but waiting will hurt more

hopefully somthing useful came out of that ramble

~dark

 

[Beef and Fur]

Noted. kthxbai.

Typical.

Wow that was harsh

I know, right? It's harsh when you play with someone's feelings for over two years, and they find out "oh, sorry, I'm just not that into you" as well. It's especially egregious when the person who created the mess in the first place is so nonchalant about the severity of the problem and their complicity in it.

If there were circumstances from the start of body size, or clinginess, or other behaviour then it should have been handled then and not allowed to continue on for so long and then lament the deep hole one finds oneself in.

The truth will set you free. Time to tell the truth. Face it, deal with it and move on.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I can start by telling you what I always tell people who are attracted to guys they meet online: don't agree to have sex until you've met him in person. There are so many reasons why somebody who looked great in a picture might not be appealing to you in person. Fat is the least of it.

OK, so far so good. Usually, though, the guys they meet online live in the same town or not too far. But Netherlands <===> Australia! That must be some kind of record.

My suggestion is, don't go there just to see him. That's putting way too much pressure on both of you. What happens if you realize in the first 5 seconds that you're not really attracted, or don't even want to be friends?

If you're going anyway, then great, look him up. But be honest with yourself about your reasons for the trip.

PS There was an episode of some reality show, I think it was Queer Eye, where a New York girl fell in love online with a guy from Denver. So he flew in to see her, and she figured out as soon as she saw him that she wasn't interested. But she still had to entertain him for a whole weekend. It was very awkward. Especially with all the TV cameras there, but even so...

 

[treanir]

Hmmm... I don't think we're not going to be friends. Of course there's an off chance that we don't click in real life. That would suck, but I know a hostel there that's reasonably cheap (though a dump), so if worst comes to worst, I could spend two weeks there if need be and still have a GREAT time.


(and NL-AU is about the longest-distance you can get, yes)

 

[Beef and Fur]

Hmmm... I don't think we're not going to be friends. Of course there's an off chance that we don't click in real life. That would suck, but I know a hostel there that's reasonably cheap (though a dump), so if worst comes to worst, I could spend two weeks there if need be and still have a GREAT time.


(and NL-AU is about the longest-distance you can get, yes)

I just got an IM from a friend reading this post.....I wish I would have thought of this.....The "friend" should read all these postings. At least he would know where he stands instead of getting the "spin" version.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

^^^No, don't violate the sanctity of the confessional....

 

[MaxMouse]

Honesty is always the best policy. Say what you feel, because if it's held in it really sucks for both of you. It is really hard at first, but after making a new year's resolution that I have followed through with (of never lying) I am much happier and people respect me a lot more.

And with people being fat, they know they're fat. Sometimes they just need to hear it. Really. Whenever my fat friends ask me if they're fat, I tell them they are so it will hopefully motivate them to get their health back into gear.

 

[Monastery]

Honesty is always the best policy. Say what you feel, because if it's held in it really sucks for both of you. It is really hard at first, but after making a new year's resolution that I have followed through with (of never lying) I am much happier and people respect me a lot more.

And with people being fat, they know they're fat. Sometimes they just need to hear it. Really. Whenever my fat friends ask me if they're fat, I tell them they are so it will hopefully motivate them to get their health back into gear.

I couldn't disagree more. Only 3-year olds think "honesty is the best policy" because they aren't developed enough to spare people's feelings--they just blurt out whatever comes into their head.

If your friends know they're already fat, and they ask you anyway (which is sort of illogical, but I'll humor you for the sake of discussion), and you tell them, you are fooling yourself if you think it's "motivating them to get their health back into gear." Only a teenager would be that naive. How old are you? You need to be 18 to be a member of this site.

 

[payit4ward]

I would tell him that i do not feel a physical attraction to him but i do want to have a friendship with him and not even mention the weight issue. It would be insulting to ask him to lose weight for you if he loses weight it should be for himself. I dont think your shallow at all but dont encourage something that cannot be.

 

[Lube]

I would tell him that i do not feel a physical attraction to him but i do want to have a friendship with him and not even mention the weight issue. It would be insulting to ask him to lose weight for you if he loses weight it should be for himself. I dont think your shallow at all but dont encourage something that cannot be.

Couldn't agree more.

You don't have to explain why you're not attracted to him. And if he asks, say it's nothing that's really negotiable. If he keeps pestering you, drop him (for a while, at least).

You need to break it off, and he needs to get over it.

It won't happen overnight.

 

[treanir]

ever give thought that his weight may not be in his control, medically speaking.

Completely besides the point. I didn't say "I think he's a fat fuck who can't stop gorging himself and his disgusting lifestyle makes me sick". I know it can be genetics (though in my experience, partly personal, it often isn't). The reason for his obesity is not important at all. Whether genetic, or eating habits, or whatever.

I think it became reasonably clear that the weight thing (or rather: the physical attraction) was mostly a front my mind threw up to conceal deeper issues. While physical attraction was and is still something I'm worried about, it stood for something far bigger: my suspicions that he sees far more into this than I do. We have had some pretty deep Skype chats the past few days. Everything (including my fears regarding physical appearance) was discussed...

But today he said something that confirmed my suspicions/fears: "I think it's more than safe to say we're in a relationship of some kind."
And a minute later: "we're both bullshitting ourselves and each other if we try and say that this isn't the start of SOME kinda relationship.."
I said I didn't really see it that way. But it has, of course, given me a lot to think about once again. Can I convince him that I see us as just friends at the moment? Will he be able to not have expectations, should I fly over? Or is it *gulp* best to end this? Can I?

This thing's playing out like a soap opera...