How do I tell him... I think he's too fat?

[GM1985]

Personally I don't think you need to tell him "I think your too fat" in any way, shape or form.

I think you should just say that you consider him to be a good friend, one that you wish to visit when you go to Australia (unless your staying with him, in which case I would say something like "I really appreciate your accomodation whilst I'm visiting the COUNTRY").

Make the trip less about your relationship and more about the cultural, visiting aspects, perhaps this will lead him to realise that it is a FRIENDSHIP you have.

I don't think your being shallow either, many people think that way, if there is NO physical attraction then it would be hard to develop and maintain more than a friendship, everything in our behaviour and interactions are based on presentation and physical attraction to some basic extent.

I really hope you manage to figure this out in the easiest way for both of you and that neither of you end up hurt.

 

[GL]

But today he said something that confirmed my suspicions/fears: "I think it's more than safe to say we're in a relationship of some kind."
And a minute later: "we're both bullshitting ourselves and each other if we try and say that this isn't the start of SOME kinda relationship.."
I said I didn't really see it that way. But it has, of course, given me a lot to think about once again. Can I convince him that I see us as just friends at the moment? Will he be able to not have expectations, should I fly over? Or is it *gulp* best to end this? Can I?

This thing's playing out like a soap opera...

this was what i was thinking from the get go. in his mind he has already made that leap and i suspect you were thinking the same thing hence your looking at his weight issue. i think you need to have a very frank and open discussion about this with him. its obvious to me that you're not yet ready to commit to a relationship when neither of you have shared the same physical space. it will not be easy and i think you need to be fully prepared to walk away if this goes south as it will be his decision to make on whether or not he can accept that this is just friendship.

 

[spencer]

tell him you don't see your self ending up with someone who has an unhealthy lifestyle and that you can't take someone with a potentially shorter lifespan.

reduce your relationship to what it is, a cyber relationshiop. what if he met someone there that he hits it off with. is he supposed to remain faithful to you?

 

[GM1985]

You can't assume that he has weight difficulties due to an unhealthy lifestyle, as mentioned before, it can be genetic.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>"we're both bullshitting ourselves and each other if we try and say that this isn't the start of SOME kinda relationship.."

"I don't think you mean WE'RE bullshitting ourselves. I think you mean I'M bullshitting you. But I assure you I'm not. I think you're a great guy, and I'd love to be your friend. If your concept of 'relationship' includes 'friendship', then sure. If you think this will eventually include something physical, I'm afraid you're incorrect on that point."

Lex

 

[bankside]

well
you spend hours and hours with him every week,
you have both at least indulged the idea that it could be more than just friendship,
so you have this person as a large presence in your life (no pun intended) but there is this great ambiguity still.
in my wildest dreams though, i would never be comfortable treating that kind of on-line connection as a relationship without even meeting the person and spending time with them in the real world. I think it is good that you set him straight on that point.

But you are free to meet him with no agenda. You don't have to worry about letting him down easy, because there is no connection to be let down. If he thinks he has an internet boyfriend, he needs a psychologist, frankly. Let's assume he does not think that, or at least he is not too serious about that idea. It means you are free to meet him without feeling any pressure or owing any explanation.

You may find that you are surprised, positively or negatively. And the same is true of him. But if you spend this much time making a connection with him, would it really be a waste of money to go? Maybe he is the sort of person you would visit anyway?

Maybe he should visit NL instead!

 

[spencer]

You can't assume that he has weight difficulties due to an unhealthy lifestyle, as mentioned before, it can be genetic.

even genetic obesity can be overcome with a healthier lifestyle.
I have problems with cholesterol and high blood pressure (pure genetics) that is currently controlled by diet and exercise. People comment all the time, why do you turn down the office cake, you're so thin. They have no clue. I imagine when I get older, I'll have to take medication. But the bottom line is if you control your calories you control your weight. It just takes effort.

anyway, it's not good to string someone along. make it very clear you're friends only.

 

[mofoka69]

Well if I was in his shoes, I honestly would not like to hear that you dont see romance because I am fat. But you can say that you really just want to be friends, and there is also the distance thing that could and will come between you guys. i know it is not being honest, but people lie to protect the ones we love. Well thats the way i see it

 

[Shepherd 2]

Treanir,

I was surprised to read this, because I expected a different approach from you, for I think of you as sensitive and insightful, and I believe you are.

So let me suggest, 1) it is not for you to TELL HIM he is too fat, but to 2) Ask a question? Would you consider going to a gym to workout? May I accompany you and work as your personal trainer?

The principle is to tell someone always sounds judgemental, while asking a question allows the person to own the situation for himself. If he is in denial, then my advice is not to barge in and TELL HIM.

Is there a hidden agenda, like you cannot be my friend or boy friend if you are too fat? I hope not.

I hope that is helpful.

I remember an old song from the fifties about a man and a woman, "I don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for me." Ouch.

Shep+

 

[LatinCoffee]

First, I think you should be honest with him and most importantly with yourself. If you don't find him attractive physically--just let him know or easily tell him that you found someone and that the only option you guys have is a friendship!

 

[treanir]

I think it became reasonably clear that the weight thing (or rather: the physical attraction) was mostly a front my mind threw up to conceal deeper issues. While physical attraction was and is still something I'm worried about, it stood for something far bigger: my suspicions that he sees far more into this than I do. We have had some pretty deep Skype chats the past few days. Everything (including my fears regarding physical appearance) was discussed...

Just thought I'd quote myself, hoping people read it before responding to the OP alone. Which is mostly void right now, as it has been discussed. And resolved.
(mostly)

 

[Beef and Fur]

It was resolved because he says it was resolved. When you are a [removed by moderator]who plays with someone's heart and mind, you can just about do anything you want since you make the rules.

And think you want to dump him - after stringing him along - because he's too fat. Funny, but if he found out the truth about you and your lies and deciet, he would dump your [removed by moderator].

Rather better to be fat and proud and self assured than be subject to the mindgames of such a [removed by moderator] like you.

 

[hotcockalex]

Just say it, be honest, also better for him to loose some weight

 

[Seventh Sense]

Who do you think you are to tell someone to lose weight!? Who are you to judge like that? I can´t believe so many of you want him to be so cruel. Honesty doesn´t mean cruelty, guys!

Given the distance, he could have easily said that he´s falling for a guy he met, but still cares for the Oz guy as a friend, and no extra harm would have been necessary.

I´ve heard of the gay community being very mean and shallow, but as a member I refused to believe it. Now I can see the truth, and it´s disheartening.