How Do I Tell My Boyfriend...

[luckynumbah7]

^Do you have an update or not.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Sorry, we talked about it for a bit, but that was only for a small amount of time we had together before I flew out to LA. We've been having some sex, not really enough for me, but more than before. And that actually started increasing before we talked.

He ran a line by me stating that I could also try to help get him in the mood. Which is incredibly odd to me because I'm always in the mood; I assumed that's how this worked with two men. I'm happy, I want to fuck. Sad? Wanna fuck. Irritated? Wanna fuck. Broke and unemployed? Wanna fuck. And there's no shortage of guys hitting me up that wanna fuck.

It just seems as though we're not as sexually compatible as I'd prefer. I love him so much, though. I want to be there for him and support him through everything he faces. It's tough.

 

[luckynumbah7]

Which is incredibly odd to me because I'm always in the mood; I assumed that's how this worked with two men.

I ask with all sincerity, how old are you, again? I keep thinking you're around my age but m'beginning to doubt myself. So, twenties, thirties? Or perhaps it would be more coherent to ask how many relationships you've been in? How familiar are you with navigating sexual relationships, is what I'm asking. After the first couple I was well informed sex drives often won't match. If the knowledge that your partner might not have the same sex drive down the road is a surprise, I'm certain there's a book of 'general relationship advice' out there floating around that could seriously benefit you in a 'heads-up' manner. It does involve more discussion with your partner than "it started to get a bit better, so ....'shrugs'.

If you're not talking, I'd say that's probably the start of the trouble. It's a hell of a lot simpler to figure something out when there's communication involved. But I suppose if you know what gets him in the mood, you'll be fine. Personally, I'd recommend asking.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Monogamy is emotional? Sex and emotion are not directly linked to me. I want to be with him. I love him. It's just the idea of sex only with him forever that seems unrealistic.

This board loves creating narratives. After eight years of it, I should've wised up and stopped being shocked about it.

Be a bit more objective about it. You put out a few facts, and members responded.

I wouldn't put it to a poll, but almost everything about your post is emotional. It seems strange that you somehow want to make sure we don't stray into talking about emotions. It's a relationship. Everything involves emotions, which is not to say drama.

The idea that narratives are offensive is also strange. Of course there are narratives. You ask for advice, then act put off when people try to connect the dots to address it.

What exactly did you expect or want in response to your OP?

 

[ballcaphair]

Emotions are about feelings. I like sex because it makes me feel good and sex should make you feel good too. Take him by the hand and ask him to feel you.

 

[luckynumbah7]

Emotions are about feelings. I like sex because it makes me feel good and sex should make you feel good too. Take him by the hand and ask him to feel you.

....I'm, juuuuuust about positive that putting a partner's hand on your crotch and asking him to feel you isn't quite what the boyfriend meant by 'getting him in the mood'. It's why I suggested discussion about sexual satisfaction. I suppose it could be lack of initiation as the issue but it don't sound like it. Not when the answer given when chatting about it was 'you could change my mood.'. I mean, that's not really indicative of a difference in libido if your mood is that easily changed.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

There's no secret that this is my first relationship. So yes, I was unaware of this issue being common as nearly every gay guy I know is horny af most of the time

I try to do what I can to get him in the mood, but the fact that he doesn't simply love sex in general a bit of a turnoff. It's bothersome. I'm such a dirty hornball. I'm staying to realize that woild be ideal for me in a partner, but everything else about us is too good to let this be a pricked. It's tough.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Be a bit more objective about it. You put out a few facts, and members responded.

I wouldn't put it to a poll, but almost everything about your post is emotional. It seems strange that you somehow want to make sure we don't stray into talking about emotions. It's a relationship. Everything involves emotions, which is not to say drama.

The idea that narratives are offensive is also strange. Of course there are narratives. You ask for advice, then act put off when people try to connect the dots to address it.

What exactly did you expect or want in response to your OP?

It's not strange that I want to keep a topic on topic. You guys constantly make shit up.

This thread is about sexual compatibility. Period. The end

 

[luckynumbah7]

There's no secret that this is my first relationship. So yes, I was unaware of this issue being common as nearly every gay guy I know is horny af most of the time

I try to do what I can to get him in the mood, but the fact that he doesn't simply love sex in general a bit of a turnoff. It's bothersome. I'm such a dirty hornball. I'm staying to realize that woild be ideal for me in a partner, but everything else about us is too good to let this be a pricked. It's tough.

...public perception and other's lazy or hyperbolic language usage doesn't mean every gay guy you know is actually horny all the time. I know they say they're always horny, but trust me, that isn't what most of 'em mean.

And no, this being your first relationship wasn't common knowledge from this direction. I thought you'd dated before.

-You could always try pointing out it's sex with him that's valuable, not just sex itself. There's not much 'in the mood' for dating individuals when their brain could quite conceivably imagine you substituting. 'Getting someone in the mood' generally involves explicit appreciation of some type, not just 'wanna fuck'.

 

[Telstra]

...that sexually, I'm not feeling "us" anymore? That our drives are too far apart? That I'm worried that prolonged monogamy with him might not be that realistic? That I'm not only not getting sex enough but that his seeming disinterest has grown a wedge so large between us that it's gotten to the point where I feel that sex with him doesn't even seem like it would feel right anymore?

Simple,
just copy this whole post and text it.

 

[NotHardUp1]

It's not strange that I want to keep a topic on topic. You guys constantly make shit up.

This thread is about sexual compatibility. Period. The end

You can demur all you want, but your opening post and your framing of the sexual incompatibility IS about emotion. There's nothing being injected, created, misinterpreted, or anything like that. Implying that the topic isn't inherently emotional is and important aspect, as it is not how most people see it.

For years on JUB you've posted about this same disconnect and a sort of denial. But for some reason, you view it as not you, as irrelevant. This thread has followed the same course. You often end up angry at the difference between how JUB men describe things versus how you describe them. Heaven knows it has fuck all to do with how they actually are, because we certainly don't know, not that you seem to either.

 

[luckynumbah7]

You can demur all you want, but your opening post and your framing of the sexual incompatibility IS about emotion.

Well, to be fair sexual incompatibility could just be a difference in libido. But the answer the op received suggests it isn't, since people's libido doesn't usually work quite like a badly-used car you have to coax to turn over. When the reply was "Help me get in the mood", there's some type of emotional tangle goin' on. He didn't frame it as a physical question, either.

I still suggest an actual discussion. And a primer on relationships.

No, I don't have a suggestion for a primer that basic. I don't know how someone translates 'help get me in the mood (for sex with you, which is the background for that situation)' to 'one partner must have a higher libido". How the hell do you tell unless you ask? If it were a libido thing, you think the bf would've said that it was physical instead of suggesting an emotional response. You can shift libido a bit with emotion, sure, but that kinda means he'd have to acknowledge there's an issue in the first place along that spectrum.

 

[luckynumbah7]

Well, to be fair sexual incompatibility could just be a difference in libido. But the answer the op received suggests it isn't, since people's libido doesn't usually work quite like a badly-used car you have to coax to turn over.

Well, not at his likely age, anyway. You could certainly make a case for used-car libido once you start getting into drug effects and health changes.

 

[ballcaphair]

Emotions are about feelings. I like sex because it makes me feel good and sex should make you feel good too. Take him by the hand and ask him to feel you.

....I'm, juuuuuust about positive that putting a partner's hand on your crotch and asking him to feel you isn't quite what the boyfriend meant by 'getting him in the mood'. It's why I suggested discussion about sexual satisfaction. I suppose it could be lack of initiation as the issue but it don't sound like it. Not when the answer given when chatting about it was 'you could change my mood.'. I mean, that's not really indicative of a difference in libido if your mood is that easily changed.

My intention was not to initiate sex. If you ask him to "feel you" it would be to feel all your emotions, needs, and feelings. If you need more lovemaking, let him feel that too.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Well, to be fair sexual incompatibility could just be a difference in libido.

My observation is that this one thing alone could and likely does entail . . .

frustration . . .

angst . . .

resentment . . .

confusion . . .

anger . . .

fear.

In a petri dish, those sure look like emotions.

Suggesting that sex and the dance around it between two people in a long term relationship is somehow a pristine inert element like one of the noble gasses, say helium, is not accurate. Sex and its interplay is more like sodium. It's everywhere and its reactive by its nature. It can't keep from bonding with other atoms, in this case, human emotions.

I'm positing that emotions are there for everyone, but only some people care to discuss them. Others, say those who struggle with communicating, may prefer to even deny they are there.

 

[PipeDream]

Honestly, when it comes to these sorts of conversations you can always find ways to construct your thoughts to be as non-confrontational as possible, but sometimes difficult conversations will be difficult no matter what and you just have to bite the bullet. There is so much value in cultivating a relationship where both parties feel comfortable enough to open up dialogues about these kinds of things, but it's never going to be easy to dismiss that paralysing fear of what might happen if you're really honest with each other.

I really do wish you all the best with this, and I hope you can find a way to broach the subject with him. I definitely hard relate to the apprehension.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

It's not lazy hyperbolic language.
You don't know me or my gay friends. Literally every gay friend I have wants to fuck a shit ton. Period. The entire concept of one needing someone else to get them in the mood is alien. I had no idea that was even a thing.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

My observation is that this one thing alone could and likely does entail . . .

frustration . . .

angst . . .

resentment . . .

confusion . . .

anger . . .

fear.

In a petri dish, those sure look like emotions.

Suggesting that sex and the dance around it between two people in a long term relationship is somehow a pristine inert element like one of the noble gasses, say helium, is not accurate. Sex and its interplay is more like sodium. It's everywhere and its reactive by its nature. It can't keep from bonding with other atoms, in this case, human emotions.

I'm positing that emotions are there for everyone, but only some people care to discuss them. Others, say those who struggle with communicating, may prefer to even deny they are there.

Nah. You're just another JUBber trying to change the narrative. I remember being here upset about not having a purpose in life or a career path and people here saying I need to open my heart to a boyfriend. That's basically what you sound like right now.

You lack the ability to understand that love and romance for someone else might be different than what you see it as. You think because sex means certain things to you, it means tbose same things to everyone. You have a profound inability to understand that different people interpret and value things differently.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

You can demur all you want, but your opening post and your framing of the sexual incompatibility IS about emotion.

Actually no. The opening statement was about sexual incompatibility. And then the whole post. Literally the opening statement. Reread it and you will see. I know you want an Oprah moment but nah.

 

[rareboy]

It's not lazy hyperbolic language.
You don't know me or my gay friends. Literally every gay friend I have wants to fuck a shit ton. Period. The entire concept of one needing someone else to get them in the mood is alien. I had no idea that was even a thing.

To be blunt, I don't know why you do this to everyone here.

You post some moaning thread about problems with your relationship in Hot Topics instead of the Relationships forum and then proceed to tell everyone why they are wrong about everything.

I will repeat the same advice that I gave earlier.

Talk to your BF about it.

Don't waste your time trawling for advice from avatars.