How do you move forward after a major crisis?

[JayQueer]

This thread is an addendum to my earlier thread this month "I give up -- don't let this happen to you." That thread was closed, so I had to start a new one.

Have any of you had a major setbacks in your life? Were you ever suddenly fired from a job? Were you ever dismissed or expelled from school? A major life-altering experience? How did you respond to challenges in your life?

Ever since a traumatic experience several years ago when I was raped, I was forced to confront my sexual orientation. And everything in my life started unraveling ever since.

Five years ago, I knew where I was going in life & who I wanted to be. I earned stellar grades in college (graduated summa cum laude), I got into a prestigious grad school program, and I knew what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Coming from a traditional Asian/Indian family, I was everything that my parents wanted me to be.

But the aftermath of being raped and being no longer able to avoid my sexual orientation made me even more frustrated. I guess I never previously paid any attention to LGBT issues, even in college -- because I was so closeted. I knew I had a secret attraction to men, but I never made the connection that "me = gay". But in the last few years, I have begun to notice to realize the discrimination and difficulties that gay people face. Especially during events like Prop 8, and hearing news about gay people being beaten or murdered. I feel so frustrated & helpless....

Meanwhile, I'm failing grad school, I've been feeling apathetic towards it, and I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life anymore. Unfortunately, I'm way up sh*t creek in student loans -- & I have no idea how I can find a job with basically no degree.

Also, I've come to the realization that I will never be what my parents want me to be. They are slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won't be marrying an Indian girl and having children. But they're still adamant that I finish grad school and pursue the career that I was originally planning to be. Every week, I hear about how such and such's son or daughter is a successful lawyer, doctor, etc etc. And they often tell me that they avoid their friends now because they're ashamed at my failures in life. I'm starting to wonder if my original plan to be XYZ was really their dream or mine..

Suicide is a serious issue and I'm not trying to make light of suicide, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about suicide frequently in the last month. Student loans are not forgivable, even in bankruptcy. One's own untimely death is one of the few ways to get student debt excused.

BTW, yes, I do have a psychiatrist, and he is helpful & yes I am on my meds, but at this point I have way more questions and no answers.

Lastly, what makes this even worse is that I don't have any friends. I am financially insolvent and living with my parents. Unfortunately, I am socially awkward and I find it difficult to make friends. I am just so lonely.

 

[palbert]

Well, is this pulling the bravado curtain down and beginning to fully open up? If your thoughts of suicide are so compelling you should go to an hospital ER immediately, and preferably one associated with a psychiatric facility. I've had to do it myself and it gets you on the recovery fast track. (Is any insurance available to cover these costs?)

All of these problems can be faced as their necessity arises.

The evening is short but I'll be able to get back to you tomorrow. You might want to specifically approach a MOD or member whose advice you have found valuable in the past.

Take care and PM if you think I can assist. I'm home all tomorrow.

 

[KaraBulut]

The issue here is not the issues in your life. The issue is your inability to cope with them.

In the past, you've buried or ignored the issues. This strategy usually doesn't work and what invariably happens is that the problems just pile up and pile up until they come crashing down.

Now that they've all come crashing down, you're overwhelmed and unable to cope.

There's no magic formula for fixing all of this. It's a matter of dealing with the issues one by one. You have to decide what your priorities are. Since part of the issue is that you're failing grad school, set up a time to talk with your faculty advisor about whether you should continue or whether it might be better to take the summer off to get yourself together.

What most people will tell you is that as you begin to deal with your issues and develop the ability to cope, it gets easier. None of us is born with coping skills- they're learned through trial and error. And often the learning process is not a lot of fun.

 

[Alistair]

May I say that some help with two of your issues may be not spending so much time on JUB? Is JUB and the internet taking too much time away from your studies? I'm also sure you'd find some friends if you shut off the computer and headed out to a local gay bar/club around your Uni. Close friends would also be a shoulder to lean on when your in times like this.

I know for some JUB is an important release and support, but personal contact can be so much better.


Good Luck.

 

[Seasoned]

Sooner or later people who are living life based on what others want or demand of them have their spirits broken and comply or temporarily have things crash down as they rebel. There are two ways to rebel, assertively ("I'll be doing things according to my needs and wants.") and passive/aggressively ("Fuck you," or failing at what you're being forced to do, or suicide.

While the assertive way is best, it can be scary because you are now in control of choices which lead to consequences of your own making. It's the adult way to live, but it takes some getting use to especially if you've had the safety net of blaming others when things go wrong.

Here are some suggestions:

Find out what you want for yourself in terms of a career even if it means doing some interest testing.

See a therapist regularly along with the periodic visits to the psychiatrist if you're not already doing that.

Ask for some group therapy.

Confront your social phobia by forcing yourself to join some non-threatening group.

I wish you well.

 

[Rolyo85]

I think the most major issue you're facing is the fact that (not even very) deep down you have not come to terms with your sexuality. You do not see yourself as deserving of the things you want to have. Your life as a gay man has less value to you than straight people's.

I cannot give you much advice on how to cope with that. One step is to stop listening to your parents' propaganda. "My parents think so" works as an excuse when you're 12. Not in grad school.

What worked for me was the realization that we choose our own reality. There is no proof that would completely and with no room for argument validate any one opinion, so you choose the one that works best for you. And which version works best for you - the one where you are a degenerate lowlife that deserves to be treated as such, or the one where you are a beautiful human being who glorifies in his uniqueness?

I opt for No. 2

 

[Blueboy369]

No matter what happened in the past, the future is a blank slate. Move forward in a productive way. Go for a walk, do some push ups, listen to your favorite music, eat your favorite food and enjoy a great orgasm. Take a breath of fresh air and live.

 

[chrisw87]

Firstly the usual; be safe, be smart, think before acting.

Now that that is out of the way, I have had this happen a fair few times in my life. I would love to start by saying that it is always more distressing to the person than it is to others if you see it this way, then you can start to analyse it and work on from there.

Nothing is the end of the world, it is just one door closing and another series of doors opening. Usually I need this kind of scenario to occur in order for me to make large life changing decisions as I tend to get stuck in a rut of comfortable living.

I usually have two reactions when this occurs;

1. A complete snap of personality and a re-focus on the situation at hand, with a fresh mind pushing you to complete (in this sense, your studies). Then you can focus on the other side of things.

2. A complete snap of personality and a 180 degree direction change for my life. This is the riskier option but usually pays off better with life experiences or results. Right now I am in this situation, while I have a job currently, I am at risk of being made redundant due to financial crisis within. My personal financial situation isn't much better, a bit dead in the water, just ambling along and making it by day by day.

I am also currently not enjoying work, and feeling that I am wasting each breath by not achieving anything towards the common good.

The result? I have applied to go back to working for the government, I was a police officer in the past, and I have applied to join the defence department this time.

Take your time, make smart decisions and don't force it. Usually your mind will do the changing for you, however if you do decide on something you have to put 110% effort to its result.

 

[Telstra]

This thread is an addendum to my earlier thread this month "I give up -- don't let this happen to you." That thread was closed, so I had to start a new one.

Have any of you had a major setbacks in your life? Were you ever suddenly fired from a job? Were you ever dismissed or expelled from school? A major life-altering experience? How did you respond to challenges in your life?

Ever since a traumatic experience several years ago when I was raped, I was forced to confront my sexual orientation. And everything in my life started unraveling ever since.

Five years ago, I knew where I was going in life & who I wanted to be. I earned stellar grades in college (graduated summa cum laude), I got into a prestigious grad school program, and I knew what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Coming from a traditional Asian/Indian family, I was everything that my parents wanted me to be.

But the aftermath of being raped and being no longer able to avoid my sexual orientation made me even more frustrated. I guess I never previously paid any attention to LGBT issues, even in college -- because I was so closeted. I knew I had a secret attraction to men, but I never made the connection that "me = gay". But in the last few years, I have begun to notice to realize the discrimination and difficulties that gay people face. Especially during events like Prop 8, and hearing news about gay people being beaten or murdered. I feel so frustrated & helpless....

Meanwhile, I'm failing grad school, I've been feeling apathetic towards it, and I don't even know if this is what I want to do with my life anymore. Unfortunately, I'm way up sh*t creek in student loans -- & I have no idea how I can find a job with basically no degree.

Also, I've come to the realization that I will never be what my parents want me to be. They are slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won't be marrying an Indian girl and having children. But they're still adamant that I finish grad school and pursue the career that I was originally planning to be. Every week, I hear about how such and such's son or daughter is a successful lawyer, doctor, etc etc. And they often tell me that they avoid their friends now because they're ashamed at my failures in life. I'm starting to wonder if my original plan to be XYZ was really their dream or mine..

Suicide is a serious issue and I'm not trying to make light of suicide, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about suicide frequently in the last month. Student loans are not forgivable, even in bankruptcy. One's own untimely death is one of the few ways to get student debt excused.

BTW, yes, I do have a psychiatrist, and he is helpful & yes I am on my meds, but at this point I have way more questions and no answers.

Lastly, what makes this even worse is that I don't have any friends. I am financially insolvent and living with my parents. Unfortunately, I am socially awkward and I find it difficult to make friends. I am just so lonely.

They can't compared you with other sons or daughters.
All have different skills. Some have cock sucking skills some don't

If they heard that you have those skills and proud, their friends would be amazed, will remember you forever and they can't match that.

 

[Ozymandias]

Yes, they are your parents' dreams, especially if your parents keep reminding you of them. From what I understand, that's pretty common in India, China, and other Asian countries. I have met many people from there who have suffered on one level or another because of that.
I think I know how difficult it is in that situation to free yourself from the idea that your parents have authority, but those who said you should be your own person are right. Think of yourself for now; you can teach your parents to accept you later. Maybe thinking about your parents and you is too much to handle at the moment, so focus first on finding and realising your own self.

About being socially awkward: take small steps, but be daring. You obviously feel terribly vulnerable right now. The good news is, there are support groups, as others have said and advised. What you know is that it's difficult, but maybe you have taken difficult steps in life before and felt good afterwards? If you're scared of joining a support group and facing "real people", remember that many of those people are also scared and you have nothing to fear from them.
Listen and think and learn, invest your capabilities into becoming what you want to be: less awkward, more relaxed in real life. Wish you luck

 

[rareboy]

Only qualified professionals can really be of help to you at this point.

I would definitely agree with Alister; time to shut off the computer and engage only in the real world.

Given the trajectory of events and the total inability to cope with them, individual, family and group therapy is where all your time should be spent.

As far as grad school? To be blunt, your rape and tortuous journey to find yourself may be a great way to bullet proof yourself from having to accomplish anything scholastically or professionally, but traumatic events can also be the great door opener as well.

I can also tell you without hesitation that your parents are failing you.

At the moment you have some kind of dysfunctional co-dependent relationship that is destroying all three of you. The best thing that could have happened to you a decade ago would have been to have to live as a poor student and to have had to work part time to get through school.

Grad school is about synthesizing given experience and knowledge in order to create new experience and new knowledge. It is about finding relationships between disparate things in order to discover something new. It isn't just some box to check off on your way through life.

Put some effort into determining how you can now take what are apparently earth changing experiences and new perspectives on your world and folding them into your academic and intellectual life.

Maybe you should be re-thinking your vocation. Maybe this experience on your own road to Damascus is the opportunity for you to finally assess how you might actually make a difference; how you might actually help others to cope with similar experiences.

At this point, it seems you are apparently somewhere in an existential wasteland...a broad, wind swept plain that seems to have no end in sight in any direction.

First, accept that yes... you have taken on the responsibility of debt that you now have to repay. Accept that you either make something out of this investment in order to repay it. Just walking away from it isn't a responsible or even legal option for you.

You need to also get some serious academic counselling that incorporates you telling the advisors what has happened to you in your personal life and how this traumatic event has unravelled your confidence in your schooling.

You will find that this may help them help you.

I would say...get the degree. Even if it isn't what you want to do. Then get a job...any job in an area that appeals to you and start living as an independent person. Pay back your debts. And move into a one room apartment someplace far away from your parents.

And please don't hand us back the nonsense of social and family customs. You are just using these things as crutches. Stand on your own two feet. Behave like an adult. Earn at least some grudging respect from your domineering parents by proving that you are capable of being your own person.

As far as your other relationships go. This is all old ground, well ploughed in thread after thread over the last 18 months.

Knock all the chips off your shoulder. Go out and volunteer to work with some group. Make friends with men and women and young and the old. Make friends based on common interests and ideas and mutual respect for one another as simple humans instead of sexual identity or politics or other confining and selective parameters.

 

[JayQueer]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I'm going through a rough period in my life right now.

 

[Rolyo85]

We got that. Take some time to tell us in detail what you're doing about it.

 

[palbert]

JayQueer, I confess that I am surprised to see you return from one of your hiatuses, this one supposedly to construct a future for yourself, with four, I believe, fresh postings in HT but very little in this thread which should most concern you.

Rolyo85 asks the proper question: what are you doing about your problems voiced in this thread.

 

[rareboy]

I have to confess that I also am puzzled. The thread topics and postings on the other boards don't seem consistent with the existential anguish you are expressing in this thread.

 

[Rolyo85]

Given your record here, Jay, you should understand why people's responses would be guarded. This story has happened many times - you asking for help (even the tag of your topic title is "Help!"), and then giving no sign of having followed any advice.

Nobody here wants you to be in a dark place or do harm to yourself. Nobody deserves that, and we are here to help. But nobody can help you if you refuse to help yourself. Nobody will pick you up if you can't stand on your own two feet. And until you give us some indication you are at least trying, the whole thing just seems like a waste of time.

I don't think serious issues like the ones you have should feel like a waste of time, don't you agree?

 

[rareboy]

I have to confess that I also am puzzled. The thread topics and postings on the other boards don't seem consistent with the existential anguish you are expressing in this thread.

Update us please. What progress are you making?

 

[palbert]

JQ, the Threads in the other fora continue but this one languishes. Will you be updating this soon with specifics?

 

[MrRochesterNY]

Palbert is right. Looking at the frequency and the tone of JQ's postings in other JUB fora, I do not see a picture of a person "going through a rough period in my life right now," as he writes in #13 here. He is a puzzle. It is clear that, for a person with as many emotional problems as JQ has, he spends far too much time online, trying to escape from them, after an occasional venting thread like this one.

JQ doesn't seem to like his life, but he needs to face it or change it. But he may be incapable of either, which means his drama will just continue as long as he lives.

 

[palbert]

MrRochesterNY - You noticed too! Is his torment so obvious? One quivers at his anguish.