How i feel about coming out.

[ZmercTheDuke]

Ok guys here my deal, i been here for a year, and still on fence wether im gay or bi. I having a hard time making plung into being gay. Even though I keep finding myslef in girls bed and she literraly begging for me to fuck and I usually come up with a excuse not too, because when im with a girl I get extremely nervous, but when im with guy Im not nervous at all during it, just before hand like talking to them lol. Though next day I completely regret not having sex with them and usually hate my self for it. Anyways, Im not out to anyone I know in Real life, just some long distance friends. The issue im having coming out is that I dont see the point in it.

I completely understand why its important to come out, because it gets people use to idea to having openly gays around them IE so they are more use to them and maybe one day lead to there being equal rights for gays in all states. Other then that I dont see the point. A straight guy doesnt talk to his parents and say "mom, dad, Im straight" So i dont see why I have to do the same. I said to my long distance friends I would come out if I had a serious boyfriend. But you might of guessed I'm having a terrible time finding a boyfriend when im not out lol. At same time I dont want to come out unless I have a boyfriend because I dont want deal with the stress of it unless had someone meanlingful with me to help me out. My parents are conservative, but extremely loving and know they wont have problem with it, my sister probably already suspects im gay,and my friends wouldnt either other then just give me tons of shit for it which wouldnt bother me. So i dont really feel the rush to come out. Anyone else ever have similar feeligns?

 

[Rolyo85]

First of all, it was extremely hard to read through your post. Please try to be more coherent.

Second, there have been thousands of topics about why coming out is important, and if you've been here for a year, you must have read at least some of them. I have posted on my blog here and here about coming out, and how it relates to dating.

The "straight people don't talk about being straight" argument is a tired one, and false. Almost every act a straight person does showcases their sexuality. It's just that we live in a heteronormative society, and all of those acts are such a daily part of our lives, we pay them no mind at all.

Second, the main reason is you're living a lie. You're not simply not talking about your sexuality, you are ACTIVELY lying about it, and I don't know how old you are (if you're a native speaker, I'd go with underage...), but sooner or later the lies start messing up your life big time. And even if you somehow navigate your communication with a mastery your post does not indicate you possess, and you manage to magically NOT talk about your sexuality at all, people will always assume you are straight, because being straight is the norm. And you know that. So it's lying by omission again.

That you might be comfortable the way you are now is perfectly possible. I have been there too. And then it suddenly hits you. All your close friends start having things you can't have, or things that if you do have, they are false, and not what you really want. All of them move on and you are stuck, not just in your personal life, but in every other aspect too, because everything is connected. And then comes depression. And coming out never gets easier.

This feeling of being ok with it is a lie your brain tells you because it doesn't want to deal with the uncertainty of relinquishing the big lie. But the point is not for some abstract thing like global equality. The point is very much your very life.

 

[KaraBulut]

I completely understand why its important to come out, because it gets people use to idea to having openly gays around them IE so they are more use to them and maybe one day lead to there being equal rights for gays in all states. Other then that I dont see the point. A straight guy doesnt talk to his parents and say "mom, dad, Im straight"

You're confusing "coming out" with "being out".

Coming out is admitting it to yourself and other people.

Being out is just living your life, openly and honestly.

I'm having a terrible time finding a boyfriend when im not out

Well, there's one reason.

I keep finding myslef in girls bed and she literraly begging for me to fuck and I usually come up with a excuse not too

There's another.

 

[sixthson]

You say your parents, your sister and your friends will be ok with you being gay and that gives you a headstart on most other young gays who are struggling with coming out. The biggest problem is you. Before you come out to anyone else, you need to be honest with yourself about who you are. Forget about having a bf until you are clear about who you are. Then come out to your family and friends, but not in a apologetic way.

You do not come out for society or friends and family. You come out for yourself. I do understand you wanting the support of a bf when you go through the process, but it sounds like you are making a bigger deal of this that it will be to those in your life who really matter.

You can do this. We have all been there.

 

[dhchitown1984]

I hear ya bud, anyone who has come out has more or less experienced the same feelings you are, and it's perfectly normal to feel that way.

At the end of the day, you will come out when it is the right time for YOU to do it. Your family loves you, and you said that you feel they will be supportive, which is AMAZING! Not everyone can speak to the same support system, I know I can't. But it's still scary, and you're apprehensive, and you're nervous, and then what if ABC, and what if XYZ, and then what if they tell so-and-so, and then what if Susie Q finds out... all perfectly normal thought processes, that are familiar to all of us.

You don't necessarily need a boyfriend to support you through the process - you just need people who understand, and thats us. You want to be able to run to someone and scream "I JUST DID IT AND THE WORLD DIDN'T CRASH DOWN ON ME!" and you can do that hear. We'll all congratulate you, and help you with whatever comes next.

You don't need a boyfriend to get you through this, because quite frankly, you probably won't always have a boyfriend to get you through every challenging point in your life. Use this as an opportunity to do something on your own, by yourself, using your own words.

Whenever you find that stability and self-confidence within yourself to do it is when you will - and not a moment sooner. So stop worrying about the WHEN, and just work on BEING READY for it whenever it comes... You'll find the moment will come as soon as you are, so focus on getting ready instead of timing.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

[Benvolio]

If you are uncertain you are gay, I suggest you rent a lesbian video (no males) and a gay one ( no females). See which turns you on.
You don't need to come out to everyone to find a boy friend. Just live two lives for awhile. Do what you want to meet guys and come out when you feel like it and are sure. Once you do it, it is hard to undo.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>The issue im having coming out is that I dont see the point in it.

Don't your friends talk about their love lives? Not in graphic detail, but "I went out with this girl last night" or "Me and Sarah broke up"? See? They came out as straight. They made it known to you that they were interested in girls. And you can go precisely the same route. "I've been hoping to find a boyfriend, but I have no idea where to start looking." There, now you've come out as gay. And you can just talk about how you really feel, and what you're really interested in, instead of playing the "well, I'm single, so it doesn't matter that they don't know" game.

If you're scared to come out as gay because "what if it ends up I like girls too?", you can just stick with "boyfriend or girlfriend" instead.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Of course other's have felt what you feel and said what you're saying.

But what you're doing is justifying staying in the closet:

"...no one needs to know, I'll come out when I have a boyfriend..."

Sugar, you're lying to yourself. When we're in the closet, we lie to others, we lie to ourselves, because we are afraid of being gay.

Why? Because deep down somewhere in your psyche you have a problem with the gay. The fears of others are always secondary to the fears we have about ourselves. You don't want to be gay, because you think it's wrong. However you justify it, that's what's going on in your head.

You are not abnormal. Almost all of us have been there. We understand.

You aren't going to find that relationship you want while that is in your head, because it will interfere with you dating a GAY man.

You need to work on yourself. Ask yourself this, if most everyone important to you would be fine with it, what possible reason is there NOT to tell them?

It's extremely important to talk about this stuff, so I hope you stick around.

 

[TX-Beau]

A straight guy doesnt talk to his parents and say "mom, dad, Im straight"...

Yes he does, from his first date, to the girls he brings home, his marriage, his kids - he hides none of it from his friends or family. Sharing our lives with friends and family is EXPECTED, and pervasive, and sharing our lives with friends and family is the bond we share, it's why they are friends and family.

 

[Seasoned]

Most people come out when they are ready and, for whatever reason you are not ready. Accept that about yourself and don't take on the added burden of guilt or shame for not being out. When the pain of not being out overtakes the fear of coming out you'll take the necessary steps. We are all different and we all go through this process differently.

Most of us can tell you we feel better "out" than we did "in."

Good luck to you.

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

I apologize, if my post was hard to understand. I usually go and edit it after I make a long post out of habit. I forgot, with this site there is a time limit to when you can go back and edit a post. It was late at night and wasn’t really thinking clearly. English isnt my native language, moved here when I was 8 from Czech Republic. Although that is no excuse, because I’ve been living In America for over 12 years, and my English is much better than my Czech.

I appreciate all the remarks and support guys, I’m sorry if I come off a bit naive to whole thing, it’s not really my field of expertise, which why I hang around here every now and then to get insight. What I was trying to get at, about why I would prefer to have a boyfriend when I come out to my family. Is not only for the emotional support, but also mainly to make coming public worth it. I know that might sound off to some of you, it’s the person I am. I usually keep my personal life separate from my social life. Even when I had GFs I would rarely introduce them to my parents unless been dating them for couple months. As you could imagine being an immigrant at young age, I had a terrible accent. When I first moved here made little to no friends, and often got bullied due to it. So usually just kept to myself and became very intrapersonal, wasn’t until my teens did I start becoming more popular. I’m just a laidback, down to earth guy who goes with the flow. I am use to keeping things to myself, so I’m not sure what I am going to do about coming out, but when I do decided. I’ll make sure to let you guys know for better or worse . Thanks again, have a great day.

 

[Rolyo85]

Just remember - it is ALWAYS worth coming out. Every second you're not living a lie is a second that you're not living a lie

 

[yourally]

Ok guys here my deal, i been here for a year, and still on fence wether im gay or bi. I having a hard time making plung into being gay. Even though I keep finding myslef in girls bed and she literraly begging for me to fuck and I usually come up with a excuse not too, because when im with a girl I get extremely nervous, but when im with guy Im not nervous at all during it, just before hand like talking to them lol. Though next day I completely regret not having sex with them and usually hate my self for it. Anyways, Im not out to anyone I know in Real life, just some long distance friends. The issue im having coming out is that I dont see the point in it.

I completely understand why its important to come out, because it gets people use to idea to having openly gays around them IE so they are more use to them and maybe one day lead to there being equal rights for gays in all states. Other then that I dont see the point. A straight guy doesnt talk to his parents and say "mom, dad, Im straight" So i dont see why I have to do the same. I said to my long distance friends I would come out if I had a serious boyfriend. But you might of guessed I'm having a terrible time finding a boyfriend when im not out lol. At same time I dont want to come out unless I have a boyfriend because I dont want deal with the stress of it unless had someone meanlingful with me to help me out. My parents are conservative, but extremely loving and know they wont have problem with it, my sister probably already suspects im gay,and my friends wouldnt either other then just give me tons of shit for it which wouldnt bother me. So i dont really feel the rush to come out. Anyone else ever have similar feeligns?

You don't have to be an icon for gay men. Just be open-minded when gay discussions are brought up and try to teach people through their ignorance.

If you stand up for someone who's being mistreated for being gay, you're a good gay in my opinion. What goes on in your bedroom isn't anybody's business but your own, and you can share it when you want to.

 

[Benvolio]

Non disclosure of your gay orientation is not a lie. If you had a duty to disclose, it could be dishonest, but you do not. Don't allow any one to convince you that you HAVE to come out. It is no no else's business but yours.

 

[Rolyo85]

If you know they think you are straight, it's lying by ommission.

 

[ladude2011]

I have to say that there is no need for an announcement. Especially if you are single. Because if you are single with no bf, then what is there to talk about? Yes, you could tell people you are interested in men, but whats the point in that? I dont know, I personally dont feel its anyones business unless you want to tell people. If not then dont. The most important thing is that you are honest with yourself.

 

[Rolyo85]

Except you aren't. I am sorry, I know people are different, but the very attitude "it's nobody's business" is a LIE you are telling yourself to avoid the real problem which is that you are ashamed of it. A straight guy cares not one bit who knows that he's straight. If you don't see a problem in being gay, then you'd be the same way. And if you DO see a problem, then coming out is only one of your issues that you need to deal with.

 

[ladude2011]

Except you aren't. I am sorry, I know people are different, but the very attitude "it's nobody's business" is a LIE you are telling yourself to avoid the real problem which is that you are ashamed of it. A straight guy cares not one bit who knows that he's straight. If you don't see a problem in being gay, then you'd be the same way. And if you DO see a problem, then coming out is only one of your issues that you need to deal with.

Just because you say its no one's business doesnt mean you are ashamed of it. Some people just like to keep things private. How much money is in my bank account is no one's business, doesnt mean im ashamed of it. Where i went to college, what kind of underwear i use, are all things that are nobody's business doesnt mean im ashamed. As far as straight guy not caring if people know he's straight, that may be tru, but he also doesn't make an announcement, which is the OP's point of discussion.

 

[Benvolio]

In an ideal world it would make no difference who is gay. But employment and personal discrimination do exist. You do not have a duty to invite or facilitate discrimination by putting a target on your back. Failing to volunteer information which will invoke discrimination is not a lie, it is just good sense. Even a denial when no one will be hurt and may feel better about it is at worst a white lie. If you parents will be badly hurt, lie to them. If you go to the hospital to visit granma, and she asks how she looks, lie.

 

[youfiad]

I can see your point about comparing coming out as straight and coming out as gay may seem like a weird thing to do. But that's a very direct route. You can come out to people in more natural ways, like talking about who you find attractive, or if somebody asks you if you have a girlfriend, you would naturally say, "No, I'm gay". Or if somebody asks you, then tell the trust. Being in the closet is more of the act of hiding what you are from people even when confronted with real situations and has nothing to do with going around telling everybody you're gay. I have never told anybody that I am gay, directly. They either ask, or they find out. I'm not going to advertise my sexuality, because, likke you, I don't see the point.