How to keep your man from straying?

[G-Lexington]

>>>My point stands... if one is straying to go with other men, he's lost interest. Even if it is just sexual.

To me, that's like saying "If a guy eats hamburgers every day, and then goes to eat a chicken sandwich, it means he's lost interest in ever eating burgers again." I think people can get tired of the same thing, and start craving variety. And simply because they try something different doesn't mean they're now turned off of their favorite thing.

I'm not anti-monogamy. I think if two people want to go the monogamy route, that's totally cool. And I do think people can remain monogamous through life. But I don't think everybody's wired for it. I don't think that promises and/or good intentions will necessarily be enough to verify that a guy won't decide he wants to cheat later on. The reason I glibly suggested open relationships isn't because I think every guy is going to want to sleep with somebody else. It's because it completely does away with the concept of "cheating". Cheating is the breaking of a promise, and if that promise is explicitly not made, then that promise can't be broken.

Lex

 

[bankside]

Define straying.

That's my answer actually, not another question.

If you want an open relationship, say so. If you want to own his dick, say so. If you don't want him on a web cam with someone but you're okay with him watching porn, say so. In other words define it.

Nobody can force somebody else to say "Yes, I want to be with you and only you until the end of time." But if he wants to say that, then he can. And if he does, it's his problem how he makes it happen, but unless he's a lying sack of shit, he has to make it happen. It's not "complicated." You don't have to do anything other than just be a decent human being.

 

[bankside]

So we're comparing people to food? Wow... that's a stretch. If someone is getting tired of me I kick him to the curb. I think I'm interesting and unique enough for someone to be committed. If the one I was seeing was fucking someone else behind my back, I think it's time to move on. I don't care for "well I Want variety". Not everyone thinks that way.



And I'm not claiming everybody is wired for it. It's not easy being in monogamous relationship. There is always criticism.

Open relationships are not viable in my opinion... and always generally fall apart. Open relationships revolve around dishonesty... again this is my perspective. It's just the way I think.

But hey to each their own. I am perfectly comfortable with what I'm doing.

I agree and would add that it does not look easy being in an open relationship either. I hear a lot of stories from open promoters saying "Nooooo…I had a great open relationship that lasted for 5 years" and all the stories are in the past tense about how great they were.

Some of us are not wired to start and stop relationships like we're picking up fast food, so the end of any relationship registers as a failure or a regret.

If my relationship has to end I would like it to be when we're old men and have lived a good and happy life together till death does us part.

I can even accept the principles behind an open relationship. But for most people it's a pass time and I can't relate to their reasons for doing it. I get it... some people socialize by having sex, and when they're ethical and up front and find someone else who feels the same way I wish them all the best.

I know there are some interesting things I could do to my guy with the help of someone else in the room and that idea turns me on. But I can't think of any serious way that it would actually happen. I can't imagine who I actually know, or could meet, that I would trust to know what he was getting into, and that I would trust to make it work out for all 3 of us.

Even when I imagine a fantasy scenario like that, the whole point is something that brings me and my guy closer together and lets us share a wild adventure. It's not something I think of as an alternative to him, or to "give me a bit of variety" or anything like that. It's still about us.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Open relationships revolve around dishonesty... again this is my perspective. It's just the way I think.

They're the antithesis of dishonesty. Dishonesty is saying "I'm only interested in having sex with you"...and having sex with other people. If I was interested in a guy who wasn't interested in monogamy, I'd much rather have him say "I'm not willing to be monogamous" than for him to lie about it and hope he could sneak something on the side without me finding out.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I don't think I've ever heard of an open relationship that was really successful. I don't see how they are about honesty at all. And I just don't get the mindset.

I know several - and most are straight relationships, believe it or not.

You may be confusing "honesty" with "fidelity". "Fidelity" is being faithful, which some guys in open relationships might adamantly insist that they are. (I'd say they're on shaky ground there.) But "honesty" is simply telling the truth. Being honest about what you want, and what you're doing. Some open relationships have complete openness - they discuss who they're having sex with, before and after, and maybe even precisely what they did. Others have varying degrees of disclosure - maybe they only want to know when it's going to happen, or they say "just not in our bed", or "not with any of our mutual friends". But whatever it is, it's on the table. They're being honest about what's going on. "Cheating" involves not being honest, or not playing by the rules. If the "don't have sex with other people" rule is taken out of the rule book, you can no longer cheat by doing that.

>>>Again I understand that if it's okay with you or others. But... if someone were to say that to me, I'd simply say "Well good luck. We can stay friends but that's it.".

See, that's exactly it. You now have the info, and you can choose to say "That's not for me". And that's precisely what I think is so important. I probably wouldn't be interested in a non-monogamous guy, either, but I'd like to at least know that that's what I'd be in for...rather than knowing (or assuming) that we'd be in a monogamous relationship and having him cheat on me.

Lex

 

[bankside]

>>>Open relationships revolve around dishonesty... again this is my perspective. It's just the way I think.

They're the antithesis of dishonesty. Dishonesty is saying "I'm only interested in having sex with you"...and having sex with other people. If I was interested in a guy who wasn't interested in monogamy, I'd much rather have him say "I'm not willing to be monogamous" than for him to lie about it and hope he could sneak something on the side without me finding out.

Lex

You forget the other honest option which is saying "I'm only interested in having sex with you" and then having sex with only you.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I don't think I need to be lectured on what a relationship is about.

When the GOP candidates are on stage during a debate, they may address one another, but they're not talking to each other. I'm aware that your mind is made up, but then again, my response wasn't made to change your mind.

>>>You forget the other honest option which is saying "I'm only interested in having sex with you" and then having sex with only you.

I was discussing the specific example of a potential mate who was not monogamous. I don't believe that everybody who says "I want to be in a monogamous relationship" is lying or mistaken.

Lex

 

[sixthson]

The OP is talking about straying and cheating, not about open relationships.

I don't really know how anyone can defend cheating. It's about secrets and deceptions. It's behind someone's back. And not just anyone's back, it the one you claim to love most.

Cheating is evidence that something is wrong in the relationship other than the bedroom. No one will ever convince me otherwise. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" are the words of a cheater.

 

[Musik2400]

I'm not confusing anything. I know how I feel about that. I don't one telling me I'm confusing terms, when these are the ways I feel about the subject. This isn't cut and dry, and black and white.

Open relationships don't last in my opinion and generally end up a mess. People start to have straying feelings. Sex can do that. I don't think I need to be lectured on what a relationship is about.



I ask about this subject first hand, and if the guy isn't interested fine. And I can smell a lie.

You're absolutely right... the key word is "I" here. And that is also your opinion. I thought this site was about sharing opinions... I didn't think I Would be thrown under the bus because of it.



Most people? That's also an opinion. I don't think many think that way. And spicing things up? What's that supposed to mean? If one is tired and bored of me, goodbye. I kick him to the curb.

I'm not saying there won't be issues in a relationship. I've had an argument or two with the guy I'm seeing... but... that doesn't mean I'm about to open up my relationship to others.

There is no such thing as a fairy tale lovey dovey relationship. I never suggested such a thing. All couples will have their issues and problems.

But, umm.... sooooo...

You're quite mistaken. [STRIKE]He's[/STRIKE] I'm not willing to look at other perspectives ...

????
Because really, Lex is kind of right, that (based on your relies) your confusing the term Honesty with who knows what other term, and even though you claim it is not black and white, you clearly paint it as such.

"Well if sex with me is boring, he thinks i'm boring so he can get the fuck out" I don't see many shades of grey there.

 

[M4P]

Cheating is evidence that something is wrong in the relationship other than the bedroom. No one will ever convince me otherwise. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" are the words of a cheater.

Not unless it is agreed to. My partner/spouse and I agreed to open up our relationship a few years ago however we subscribe to Don't ask - don't tell. I don't want to know if he did someone and I won't tell if I do someone. It's an agreement and it works for us

 

[FanofFiction]

I don't do anything other than be the best partner I can. I trust that he doesn't stray. I don't stray from him. We're very happy together.

 

[Musik2400]

I don't see the problem with anything I said there. It's about stating my opinion which I clearly stated was just my opinion and my perspective of being things.

Some have very interesting viewpoints here... but ultimately ones I don't quite understand.

And yep, if the sex is boring and there is nothing that can be done to help it (that doesn't involve others), time to move on... because ultimately that is still part of the relationship.

But hey I guess one can always start barebacking... that's always safe isn't it? *sarcasm*

Oh I never said there was anything wrong with it. I just find it interesting that when other people are happy sticking to their own opinion, it's a waste of time, and they should not discuss the opinions of others, but when you want to stick to your own opinion, discuss away no big but, "my opinions my opinion so whatevs".

Just an observation

 

[EJMichaels]

I think you misunderstood me. I don't believe you can have a faithful heart and an unfaithful sex life.

I don't think he misunderstood - just holds a different opinion (sorry, Chaz, if I'm misrepresenting you). There is more than one way to define things like love and faithfulness. The way sex factors into the definition is going to vary quite a bit for different people. My perception of the devoted relationship Chaz has is not lessened by the fact that he sees sex as something that can happen outside (or, more accurately, along side) of love. Being dishonest about it would be entirely different and definitely unfaithful.

Was the original question about keeping a partner sexually interested, having a partner who is honest about an interest in sex with other men, making a monogamous relationship work for both partners, or something else? These are different questions.

 

[Kyanimal]

I don't think he misunderstood - just holds a different opinion (sorry, Chaz, if I'm misrepresenting you). There is more than one way to define things like love and faithfulness. The way sex factors into the definition is going to vary quite a bit for different people. My perception of the devoted relationship Chaz has is not lessened by the fact that he sees sex as something that can happen outside (or, more accurately, along side) of love. Being dishonest about it would be entirely different and definitely unfaithful.

Hi, EJ!

You understand me Very Well!

 

[bankside]

Actually this has been hinted at but what happens when you turn the question around?

How does your man keep you from straying?

Or does anyone have a problem keeping it in your pants no matter what he does?

 

[Musik2400]

Um, people are going to defend their perspectives, as what I am doing. That's called being a human. I don't see how that is a waste of time. And I don't see why I should be cut out of discussing the opinion of others, even though I'm going to stick to my own perspective.

Just an observation right?

Exactly my point. Thanks for agreeing. Too bad you clearly missed it and stumbled upon it accidentally. Oh well.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

The problem seems to be that you only see your own closed-off reality and everyone else seems to be wrong to know different. You got a LOT of insightful posts and different ways of seeing things, and all you've managed to do is shake your head, roll your eyes and state that "this isn't how it works for me".

You're capable of defense, that much is true. Too bad you're not capable of much more than that.

It goes beyond understanding - something in the way you verbalize your responses makes me think you just don't care. But hey... whatever works.

 

[chrisw87]

If you choose the right partner, they will usually not cheat.

 

[JayHawk]

If you choose the right partner, they will usually not cheat.

Best post in this thread..... hands down...

 

[JayHawk]

Method for preventing a gay partner from cheating??
Imprison them:

Wait till nothing works so it dont matter bouts the sex then have a best friend:

Marry a ken doll: