I think the first real realisation was when I was 16, shortly before leaving boarding school, which I will get to later. I'll take things in cronological order. Some of this is a copy-and-paste job from messages I have posted before and elsewhere so it may be a bit disjointed.
Thinking back now, there are several events that remain in my memory from much younger years, which probably suggest that I was born gay but didn't realise until I was older.
I do remember when I was very young (probably around 5, which would have been in the late 60's) watching some programme on Childrens TV. It would have been on the BBC, because we watched playschool and then the TV stayed on while we were having tea, then dad watched the BBC news.
This particular programme was obviously intended for older kids than I was. It was set in the bush or in Africa or something. In one episode there was a group of young coloured kids as extras, who in one scene crossed the screen naked. One boy, close to the camera, had a hard-on. This scene probably lasted only a few seconds, but it really stuck in my mind. I knew mine would go hard, but this was the first I knew that other boys' went hard too. The memory of the scene caused me to do a certain amount of fiddling with myself in bed at the time - and it still sticks in my mind today.
When I was at junior school (around 8 to 10 years old) I was always fascinated to see the other boys bits when we were changing for swimming. When we were getting changed after, some of the lads (the rough, football playing types) would prat around naked - showing they were "man enough" not to be bothered. Many got hard-ons, as did I while I was watching them. They kept talking about wanting to gatecrash the girls changing room during this to see the naked girls and shock them. I couldn't understand their interest in girls and wanted them to stay so I could watch them.
When I was about 10 I was sent to an assessment centre of some sort by the phsycologist who was deciding what school to send me to (in due course he decided on the boarding school). One afternoon myself and another boy of the same age were bored in the dormitory, and decided to play a game of strip poker. We retreated to underneath his bed in the corner, armed with a pack of cards and a torch. We did't know how to play poker, so settled on pontoon. One item of clothing off for each hand lost, and the first naked had to run around the dormitory. I lost but was too scared to do it, so my friend said we would keep playing and both run round together when we had both lost. But as we were about to, a member of staff came in, looked around, and left. We were now both too scared! Since we were both still naked, talk turned to naughty bits etc, and we ended up fiddling with each other for a while. It is probably nothing unusual, but it is one thing that has remained firmly in my mind as a highlight from what was a particularly gray period of my life.
When I was 11 I started at a small all-boys boarding school. There was a fair amount of sexual activity between boys there (I don't know if that's usual for these places or not). For me it started a few weeks after I joined, with an older lad (about 14 or 15) offering me sweets if I would help with his "experiments".
What he wanted to do did not seem unusual to me, and I actually enjoyed it and looked forward to th next time! In due course I started doing similar stuff with other boys, some older, some my own age. As I got older I tended to carry on the fun with boys around my own age. I didn't try to hook the younger kids, bacause there was enough around my own age to keep me entertained.
All this time I was telling myself this was just a phase. That I had sex with boys because there weren't any girls around. I only ever dreamed of sex with boys too, but I told myself that it was because that's all I knew.
It was only in the last couple of terms, when I was 16 and knew I would be leaving soon and realised that this enjoyable aspect would end, that I began to question things in my own mind.
This school had really been my whole life for five years, socially, sexually and in many other ways. So when I left at 16, I was lost. I started work in an apprentice training centre with other 16 year olds who had been through regular secondary schools. They talked about girls and sport a lot - subjects I knew nothing about. I didn't fit in, and felt very alone.
I went to college one day a week, and there was a lad at the train station who I thought was fabulous. No doubt he was straight and he was always having a laugh with mates, but I had a huge crush on him.
At this time I first heard “Elton’s Song”, performed by Elton John. On it's own I guess it's not a great song. But I was just beginning to come out to myself at the time, and the lyrics really hit the spot.
http://www.eltonography.com/songs/eltons_song.html (The lyrics were written by Tom Robinson.)
I went back to visit the boarding school a few years after I left (I was probably about 18 or 19), and was sitting in the common room at the top of the dormitory. Some boys were already in their pajamas and some just had towels round their waists and were waiting their turn for the shower. I was already trying to keep my eyes on the TV so I wouldn't be noticed staring, when this georgous 14/15 year old walked from the shower, through the common room and into the dormitory, stark naked, with just his towel thrown over his shoulder!! I hope I wasn't staring then - but I know my eyes followed him, even though the dormitory entrance was behind me......
The urge to follow him into the dormitory and do something unmentionable was extremely strong - I had never felt anything like that before, and it too all the will-power I could muster to stay sitting there and let him go. A few minutes later I made my excuses and went home - I just wanted to be away from there, and to think. At that time I hadn't accepted my sexuality at all, I was scared and confused about what I felt then. And I was scared that I had had such a strong urge to hurt someone so much younger just for sexual gratification. I think maybe this incident put me back a bit - it enforced the view in my mind at the time that being gay was somehow "wrong".
A few years later, at my next job when I was about 24, there was an obviously-gay guy. I got on reasonably well with him but the subject was never mentioned because I didn't have the nerve. I'm sure he guessed though.
Then a well-sexy tanned blond guy started working for the company, in the same department as me. He was probably about 20 and I couldn't keep my eyes off him. We sometimes had to go and work off-site together too. My imagination was in overdrive, but I still did not have the nerve to do or say anything.
Then the gay guy got off with him.... and I was extremely jealous and upset. I felt I had lost an amazing opportunity.
As for me - my life was going nowhere. I was still trying to deny that I was gay, but I was having ever more problems believing myself. At 26 I was still living with my parents because I simply could not afford to move out.
I then got an offer of a job at a company that some people I had worked with previously were starting in a different part of the country. The money was good, and house prices in the area were more reasonable. It was the new-start I needed, and I grabbed it!
Somehow, in this new situation, living on my own in my own home, it was suddenly so much easier to come out to myself and to those around me. It was the right situation and the right time for me to come out.
I guess I relalized my gay feelings back in junior high school when I was with guys in locker room as we dressed for pe class and having jock inspection. Knew I had feelings for members of the same sex and glad I was able to admit and cum out.
