Huge age difference

[18Year]

Hello, me (22) and my partner (60) are in a serious relationship since a half year.
I'm doing my study while he's running his company. I'm still living home with my parents (because I'm poor and busy with my study) but our relationship is so strong.

Well, we got different problems, my parents don't care about my feeling for other boys/men or whatever but they care that he live in a country next to here and the age difference of 38 years. Some days ago I told them that my partner is 38 years older and they screamed and was really dissapointed and now they forbid me to see him again.

Since this is the 'bear, daddy etc.' forum I wonder if more people has to deal with this problem? I mean they don't except it in every way. Next week i have an appointment with my psychology to let my heart breath.

This week was so awful, our relationship is stronger then ever and they claim to break any contact with him... I said I did to keep them silent but ofc. I dont dump him in this way because it's my dreamman.

We keep chatting etc. and we met some weeks now and then in the past.

The different option are:
- Dump him.
- Go live there with him (he's my serious lover) and say fuck this shit to my life here and hope that they will feel sorry because its my own choice and my own feelings and continue my life and study there.
- .......

Thanks.

 

[WestCoastWilson]

Hey there 18Year. This is a no brainer. I would take option #2 on your list. I remember when I was getting ready to come out to my family, I had basically readied myself for about 6 months, in preparation of them kicking me out of the house, since I truly did not know how they would feel about having a gay son. So in that 6 month time period, I made all kinds of good plans that I could quickly execute in the event that my parents tossed me out of the house on the day that I told them or if they gave me several days or weeks to leave. Luckily, my parents were totally cool with me being gay and living with them. WHEW!!!

Yet if your parents are going to give you grief over your boyfriend, I would say follow your heart , and move-out as soon as you can while trying to keep a low profile (with your parents) over your boyfriend. Yet I would say, age should not be an issue, as I can see people in your situation having the EXACT same troubles when guys either tell their parents that they are gay or when they tell their parents they have a boyfriend the same age/around the same age (as the gay son is), where the parent just don’t like the fact their son has a boyfriend or parents get upset and frantic when they find out that their son’s boyfriend is a difference race or religion than their own.

Now with that being said, I would say that you should seriously think what are your options to move out to either stay near where you are (to finish school) or to breakaway and go live with your boyfriend. But if I was in your shoes, I would at least take 2 months to try to rationally think all of this through. Because when I was ready to come out to my parents, I planned everything calmly and rationally and I gave myself peace of mind and time to come up with several good backup plans, in case I had to move out of the house right away. Luckily I did not need any of them. WHEW!!!

Good luck. Please keep me posted in this thread, as I am subscribing to it. By the way, you should have asked this question in the “Hot Topics” section, because as far as I am concerned, you situation boils down to if you should stay with your controlling parents that are giving you grief over your boyfriend (his age and location should not matter) or if you should move out of their house so you can pursue your dreams and not let them control your life.

Wilson

 

[jimbill]

If he posted it in the Hot Topics section, people would post "Oooh, you're gross with such a huge age difference."

 

[GamerBear]

Yeah when it comes to relationships with a huge gap there will be a small amount who give you that saying "Age is just a number". But then the people who don't like it will tell you to dump him and date someone your own age. Sometimes even bring up the excuse "You two are at different points in your life".

My husband and I have about a 25 year difference from each other, we live apart too. He lives in Oregon and I'm in California, I have yet to tell my parents about him and I've been in my relationship for five years now, coming the 28th of this month will be five years.

I would go with choice #2 your parents already have a crappy opinion about you dating men so leaving them won't do any harm just make sure you finish your studies first.

 

[Scrufy]

I've been in a two year relationship with someone who is 30 years older then me, (22 and 52) and this is my experience with it.
I too am a student, but i do not live full time at home. I live in a dorm half the year. When i started seeing my BF I really didn't expect to have anything come of it, but he was nice and awesome in bed and ... married, but why rock the boat? I didn't expect him to leave his wife, he had already been in a 5 year relationship prior and still has not left his wife/ wife left him. So initially I told my friends I was seeing someone who was 38, and figured we wouldn't be together long enough for them to actually meet him. Then after about a year, I decided to live with some friends in an off campus house. This was awesome because not only could i have my own room to have le sexy time with my bf, but i also figured that it was time from my friends to meet him. And so I cooked a meal for all of my roommates/ friends i had been lying to for the past year, and introduced my BF to all of them. Most of my friends were okay with it, and the one person who told me she didn't like it, was a bitch : )

Anyways... mom situation. I told my mom about the bf about 5 months in, and i told her that he was 28, now I can't bring him around unless he can magically turn back into a 30 year old. Anyways, I do not think my mom could handle my boy friends age, even seeing how committed we are. I hate being stuck between lying and having my mom disown me, it's like i have to come out of the closet a second time. I guess i have to admire you for telling your parents, it is honestly the better of the two options. I would talk to your parents and tell them what your plan is. They can either kick you out of the house, driving you deeper into his arms, or they can accept who you are seeing and keep you at home. Write a letter to your parents telling them this may actually help. You have a safe place to go if this doesn't work out, good luck buddy! At least your not barking up the marriage tree

 

[hospanks123]

I would seriously consider trying to establish your financial independence before moving in with the guy. When he's 70 and you're 32, it might not be so fun for you anymore. Said before, but have some backup plans.

 

[WestCoastWilson]

If he posted it in the Hot Topics section, people would post "Oooh, you're gross with such a huge age difference."

Jimbill, well I would hope the members that would be reading 18Year's post, that they would sincere and mature about a very serious matter. Especially since I know what it was like coming out and just trying to deal with the normal stuff one has to deal with being a young adult gay man and coming out. So I "would like to think"most of the guys would have some understanding and compassion for what 18Year is feeling and what he is going through. I know for sure, I am passionate about this issue and I do care.

Since I am 48 years old now, I have change my dating age range a few times. Once upon a time (when I was between 18 to 39), I would not date a guy not even 1 day younger than me, but I was willing to date guys up to 20 years my senior. Though I have been happily partnered for about 3 years, when I was single before then, when I turned about 40, I would generally date guys between 10 years younger and 10 years older than me. Yet with 18Year being in love , I will always say stay safe, but follow your heart if it looks realistically that a love relationship can get off of the ground and last. Thus far, it sounds like 18Year is off to a great start.

Wilson

 

[WestCoastWilson]

Yeah when it comes to relationships with a huge gap there will be a small amount who give you that saying "Age is just a number". But then the people who don't like it will tell you to dump him and date someone your own age. Sometimes even bring up the excuse "You two are at different points in your life".

GameBear, I understand what you are saying, as I was passed-over by some men that felt that way about the age thing. Yet what upset me, since I was always and only attracted to old men (up until I was 39 at least), some men would not give me the time of day when it came to my interest in dating them, because they felt I was too young and they would never give me a chance at dating them. Back in the 80's, I found myself in a similar situation with a guy about 19 years my senior. We went out a few times and then he got cold feet, thinking that I was too young and thinking that I would not be serious about a love relationship with an older man, so he dumped me. About 10 years later, he came back, and gave us a chance. After dating that guy for 1 year, I dumped him . . . not because of the age issue, but I dumped him because we were not compatible in so many ways . . . and age or health never entered the picture. Though I am sad that things did not work out with that guy, yet I was grateful to the guy for at least giving us a chance to date and not slam the door in my face , solely since he though I was too young . . . yet for sure he wanted my dick and ass and seemed to enjoy our time out of bed . . . However that type of thing he believed in and trusted, however he could not believe in or trust that we could have have a great love relationship together, yet it was he "that had the age different" hangup over us . . . whereas I never gave our age difference as second thought the 1st time we tried to date and nor the 2nd time we dated.

Wilson

 

[Darted]

You're only 22, and you've ONLY been with him for half a year? Half a year isn't a long relationship, maybe you should wait and see how things unfold. Things can get sour very quick. Also, think about when you turn 30, he'll almost be 70, which means he'll probably start developing health problems, regular hospital visits, etc... Are you ready to commit yourself and end up alone because he dies of old age?

 

[bw92116]

Well, have you seen Harold and Maude?

 

[Telstra]

There are advantages for both parties with hug age gap.

1/ the young guy (A) get all the assets when the old one dies.
2/ the old guy (B) get all the help he needs with his health problems.
3/ when B dies, (A) have the opportunity to find a new hot young partner (C) ...
4/ When (A) dies, C have the opportunity to find a young hot partner (D) ...
5/ the circle continues ...

 

[lupin2000]

I had the same problem with you before, although I didn't dump him but I choose to stay with my parents and meet him secretly. few years later we still break up after he couldnt stand I have to be with my parents all the time, I was very sad that I didn't choose to live with him when I had the chance.

A younger partner can still choose to be independents from their old daddies, younger partner always have to remember bout your daddies is retired so he might be free to do what he wants bout yourself still have a whole life ahead of you. so always takes time to think about your jobs and build up your own saving and assets not to reliable on your daddies all the time.

Regarding health issue everyone going to get it when they getting old, is up to yourself if you really love him you will still right by his side when those things happen .

 

[hospanks123]

There are advantages for both parties with hug age gap.

1/ the young guy (A) get all the assets when the old one dies.
2/ the old guy (B) get all the help he needs with his health problems.
3/ when B dies, (A) have the opportunity to find a new hot young partner (C) ...
4/ When (A) dies, C have the opportunity to find a young hot partner (D) ...
5/ the circle continues ...

What if (A) prefers daddies and not younger guys?

 

[Telstra]

What if (A) prefers daddies and not younger guys?

Easy, (A) can find daddies ...

 

[Sylvain the Goat]

Hello,

I am 18year's boyfriend, the older guy in question. I just wanted to chime in that I really appreciate some of the nice things that have been said here. It is really hard for 18 since he is still under the thumb of his parents, but I have "been around the block" a bit and I have seen how people can treat other people badly, so I am not shocked by what has happened. But I am saddened.

One of the things I have learned in life is that interfering in love is never a good idea. It is a constant theme in literature, for example Romeo and Juliet and the countless derivations of that story like West Side Story. It is a constant theme in many coming out stories also. When love is tampered with from the outside, people can be made to feel that since their most sincere feelings are bad, then perhaps they are bad people. That can launch a tragic spiral of self hatred. It takes great courage and lots of struggle to come out of that spiral sometimes.

Parents think they are doing the right thing but they often do not understand that by being indelicate in their condemnation of a child's feelings, they risk destroying the child's self esteem.

Finally, there is the problem of prejudice. Intergenerational love is taboo. That means that all gloves come off when it is time to condemn it. Scapegoats abound. Otherwise sensible people become hysterical. Rational discourse dies.

It was like that with inter-racial love, with inter-confessional love, and with homosexual love in general in places that now are considered to be beyond those prejudices. But intergenerational love has not had its liberation.

I am not a campaigner for anything, and I lead a quiet life, but I do not like prejudice. I know that love between generations has a long history, the Greeks considered it completely normal and part of the harmonious structure of society. Of course the older one is helped by the younger, but the older helps the younger grow and achieve wisdom, in the view of the ancient Greeks.

This is the first time for me to be in love with someone so much younger than myself. 18 has shown me more love than anyone I have ever known and he has conquered my heart. I thought, before I met him, that I was beyond the age of being able to have strong feelings anymore. He surprised me.

And he continues to surprise me with his courage and determination. I consider myself to be incredibly lucky.

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. As for the practical matters of what do we do when I turn 90 and he is only 52, well, we have discussed it at length and he says he is quite ready to change my diapers.

Peace

Sylvain

 

[Brtyui]

well in retrospect, am in a relationship where my partner is 50, while am 22. So i know exactly how you feel, but when it comes down to it, you have one life to live and the question is are you going to live it through your choices or someone else choices?

there are many factors
:as it's family and without family things can be a lot different and even a little scary
:its your partner, and if your serious don't you like everyone else deserve happyness?
:what about ur education? i mean your only 22 years of age
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i suggest u get your education, and financial stuff done, as it might leave you with better options in the relevant future? or try to talk to your parents some more? if u put it in perspective my might understand or at least go towards it. My plan is to get my education, and financial stuff sorted so i can stand on my own two feet then decide what am going to do from their on in. My advantage is that am not really family orientated so i don't care about that option, although my auntie is amazingly cool with the idea of age within relationship.

best of luck thou, i know things can be a hardship, and that your partner just lifts the mood even if its not such a good day its nice to get a hug from him/her. If you ever need to talk am here x

 

[WestCoastWilson]

Hello,

I am 18year's boyfriend, the older guy in question. I just wanted to chime in that I really appreciate some of the nice things that have been said here. It is really hard for 18 since he is still under the thumb of his parents, but I have "been around the block" a bit and I have seen how people can treat other people badly, so I am not shocked by what has happened. But I am saddened.

One of the things I have learned in life is that interfering in love is never a good idea. It is a constant theme in literature, for example Romeo and Juliet and the countless derivations of that story like West Side Story. It is a constant theme in many coming out stories also. When love is tampered with from the outside, people can be made to feel that since their most sincere feelings are bad, then perhaps they are bad people. That can launch a tragic spiral of self hatred. It takes great courage and lots of struggle to come out of that spiral sometimes.

Parents think they are doing the right thing but they often do not understand that by being indelicate in their condemnation of a child's feelings, they risk destroying the child's self esteem.

Finally, there is the problem of prejudice. Intergenerational love is taboo. That means that all gloves come off when it is time to condemn it. Scapegoats abound. Otherwise sensible people become hysterical. Rational discourse dies.

It was like that with inter-racial love, with inter-confessional love, and with homosexual love in general in places that now are considered to be beyond those prejudices. But intergenerational love has not had its liberation.

I am not a campaigner for anything, and I lead a quiet life, but I do not like prejudice. I know that love between generations has a long history, the Greeks considered it completely normal and part of the harmonious structure of society. Of course the older one is helped by the younger, but the older helps the younger grow and achieve wisdom, in the view of the ancient Greeks.

This is the first time for me to be in love with someone so much younger than myself. 18 has shown me more love than anyone I have ever known and he has conquered my heart. I thought, before I met him, that I was beyond the age of being able to have strong feelings anymore. He surprised me.

And he continues to surprise me with his courage and determination. I consider myself to be incredibly lucky.

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. As for the practical matters of what do we do when I turn 90 and he is only 52, well, we have discussed it at length and he says he is quite ready to change my diapers.

Peace

Sylvain

Great post, Sylvain! I do hope that things work out well for you and 18. You both have my blessings and support.

Wilson

 

[18Year]

First, thanks for all the posts.

About the study; In september I will follow my new study, I don't care if it is here or just with the goat because I can easily follow courses there also.

Im a bit educated with my previous study, but people are never too old to learn more...

 

[Telstra]

old people are wise and have alot to offer in terms of knowledge ...

 

[angelictom]

I've always prefered older men .. don't know why but always felt more attracted to them.
can't see what is supposed to be bad about it .. as long as both get what they want.