Humiliated at Work for being gay

[JayQueer]

Okay, so I've been a little down recently about an incident that happened at work.

I don't want to give away too many details to protect my privacy, but I work in an office with a mix of guys and girls. People are mostly in their 20s and 30s. Everyone is mostly professional but when we go out to lunch or at meetings, the guys talk amongst themselves about sports (like football, basketball, and all that), or they plan skiing or surfing trips. They also joke about girls (when there's no women around). When I started working, the guys invited me to lunch and happy hour. I went, but I didn't know how to talk to these guys. I don't have any interest in sports & I'm not an outdoorsy person either. And I obviously don't find it amusing to joke about which girl in the office is the sluttiest or who has the biggest boobs. Sometimes the boss joins in for happy hour with the guys.

So I since usually hang out with the girls because they're nicer to me, and the guys in the office slowly stopped inviting me to go out w/ them and then they stopped talking to me altogether, other than necessary for work.

I usually come to work early but I also leave early for the day too. But last week I stayed late to finish working on something. I was working away & I hear Mike and Tom (not their real names) further down the hall. They were laughing amongst themselves about something, and I hear Mike suddenly jokingly say to Tom, "suck my d__k, b_tch!" And then Tom replied "why don't get you get the office f_ggot to do that?" And then Mike was like, in hushed tone, "Dude, he might still be here..." And then Tom was like, "Nah, he leaves early." They both were laughing the whole time.

I literally slumped in my chair at my desk (they didn't know I was still there). I was so humiliated I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. They didn't say my name out loud, but it was pretty obvious who they were referring to when he said "office f_ggot".

The ironic thing is that I've had a crush on Mike for a while. He's ex-military, big & muscled (I know he works out at the gym every day), deep voice, tall, handsome, total jock.

I thought about going to the boss. The boss is a born-again Christian married man but tries to act like he's "one of the guys", like, he goes out for happy hour with the guys all the time. But I don't want to get on the boss' bad side. As it is, I feel like I work harder than all of the other guys. I would quit, but the pay is decent & I need to pay the bills..

I don't know if you all have advice, but I at least needed to vent...

 

[aaggii]

The logical way is to report it, but getting this fixed depends also of where you live. The beliefs of your boss don´t reach the actual laws of a country and discrimination against sexual orientation is illegal in most places. You could have talked (still can) with those boys and make them apologize. Shame ¨Mike¨ a bit: ¨I thought you were smarter etc etc¨. I know that the economy is bad but you should really start looking for another job when you finish with these assholes.

 

[62624rd]

you may want to report this to your human resource person. But it;s going to come down to who else heard the comment. It's going to be a he said story. You are going to almost need to have an outside witness. Because the two guys might deny what they said. Or say that they were just joking.We have had some issures were i work. We all had to; to take/sit in on diversity classes once a year for a period of five years." talk to human resource." Maybe they can arrange where the whole office take classes not only the gulity parties.

 

[Gekishinken]

This one is tricky. On one hand I get how you feel, and they're totally disrespecting you. On the other hand, if you do anything to get them in trouble I can guarantee that you will pretty quickly become an outcast at work.

People claim there can't be retaliation, but most anti-discrimination laws are bullshit anyway. There are very easy ways to get around the anti-discrimination laws. Examples like everyone in the office ignoring you, the boss giving you less work, the boss being more critical of your work.

I think you need to not get so emotional over things like this tc. Yeah, biggots exist in the world. It sucks, but they're always going to exist. You can't make someone who hates gays change their opinion. I'd look at it like this: pity them for being so cold hearted. You're the better person, learning to take some abuse (within reason) can really make you stronger as a person.

 

[palbert]

I would consider reporting the incident to H.R. but expect blowback. Unless overheard by others the statements are easily denied. Unfortunate, but there it is.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Don't say anything. Or say something that's so jaw-droppingly rude it makes them blush.

Don't run to HR, nobody likes a snitch.

 

[nycguydowntown]

I wouldn't go to HR--he's probably just a republican conservative who feels he can say what he wants about faggots because his political leaders and fox news have disrespected gays for years---plus he probably has sensed your lust for him ----I would just find nice, kind progressives both male and female in your office to be friends with---they will treat you with respect. But I was also surprised a hard working gop-er like yourself would leave work early

 

[Telstra]

So basically you don't fit in.

At the beginning they invite you ... etc but stop because you are abit hard to get along.
Maybe think of something so you can fit in and if they joke about sucking cocks, you can joke back and they might let you suck their cocks ?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Are you:

Mad that they said it?

Mad that you're obviously gay to them?

Mad that your crush said it in a derogatory way?

Granted, what they said was rude, but to a certain extent, "boyz will be boyz". Putting each other down is just a part of their initiation rights to get into their boys club. They're like a little pack of wolves, and you're either IN their little club, or you're OUT. Those on the outside get gossiped about so they can feel better about themselves - although they more than likely rip on each other too.

Unless they're poking you in the chest and saying shit to your face, I'd just let it go and grow a thicker skin. They obviously thought you were gone and that it was a private conversation.

IMO you're there to work. Period. Socializing with them on your own time was probably a bad idea to begin with. Keep your work life and your social life separate.

 

[sixthson]

The laws about this kind of thing are very definite in the workplace. HR is obligated to treat such a complaint directly. If they fail to do so, the company is open to a law suit. Every company knows this and many companies have been sued for less than this. Companies of size generally have training sessions for employees about it. Even dirty jokes shared between two that could be overheard by an offended third party opens the company up to legal action. However, this does not mean it wouldn't place you in a confrontational situation with management and co-workers. Could you handle that kind of thing?

The other option is to go to Mike and tell him you overheard what they said, but keep your emotions under control. While I don't think this is the appropriate way to deal with this kind of workplace issue, only you know what you can handle. You might want to research the company's policy on reporting such things.

Most of us have at some point in time overheard cruel gossip behind our backs and it hurts us. How we deal with it determines how much damage it causes us or how strong it makes us.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Most of us have at some point in time overheard cruel gossip behind our backs and it hurts us. How we deal with it determines how much damage it causes us or how strong it makes us.

Tread carefully, JayQueer, I know at least one homosexual whose career was seriously sidetracked because of a (legitimate) complaint he made about being sexually harassed. You simply overheard your colleagues. Ask yourself; would you risk that much on something this insignificant?

 

[eastofeden]

I would suggest letting it go.

Ask yourself this....do you and the girls ever gossip or talk about other people?...things that if they overheard them might hurt their feelings? You don't have to be honest with me or anyone else but be honest with yourself.

They didn't say anything to you personally nor did they intend for you to hear them. If they ever do say anything to you personally then definitely report them.

 

[Gentleheart]

Well, this is probably not the best course of action--but were I in the situation, I would have belted something out like "I'm STILL HERE, guys...if you have something to say to me, you can come to me directly...", or something along those lines. But then again, I don't always make the best decisions when it comes to dealing with people making digs on gays.

Considering where you are now, I would go to the guys and let them know that I heard what they said, and suggest that they be a bit more discreet with their goofing off/talking about others during work.

assholes.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Well, this is probably not the best course of action--but were I in the situation, I would have belted something out like "I'm STILL HERE, guys...if you have something to say to me, you can come to me directly...", or something along those lines. But then again, I don't always make the best decisions when it comes to dealing with people making digs on gays.

Considering where you are now, I would go to the guys and let them know that I heard what they said, and suggest that they be a bit more discreet with their goofing off/talking about others during work.

assholes.

♥♥♥ I love this Advice ♥♥♥

 

[dereperez]

You're there to work, and as you said, you need it to pay your bills. I suggest letting this slide unless you're willing to get involved in more work in the form of he-said-she-said confrontations. I probably would just have walked from my desk and towards them, just to see their surprised faces and reactions..."who wanted to blow who?"

 

[KaraBulut]

The real problem is that there's a lot of inappropriate conduct and inappropriate conversations going on in your workplace. The question you need to ask yourself is whether the job is worth working in a place where "the guys" are allowed to talk about "the girls" and "the office faggot" in this way.

It's doubtful that you will able to change something that the management has historically allowed. If the job is worth it, then you can give some thought about how to change what sounds like a fairly hostile work environment. If the job isn't worth it, then consider working somewhere else.

 

[Telstra]

If other workers don't have any problems but only Jayqueer have problems,
ask your self who need to change and make himself feel better.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi JayQueer,

Tough situation and difficult for me to judge what's the best option to do. I tend to agree with some of the earlier posters that its 'your words' against 'their words', and that you are not sure how your boss / HR will react on filing a complaint.

I tend to think that you might as well start to ignore these guys and there friends. There is no need to socialize with them / to have lunch together with them. I tend to think it is much better to keep behaving as a friendly and a decent guy and as a person who is doing his job on a very responsible way. So just keep socializing / having lunch (etc.) together with people who are friendly / kind (etc.) and behave as a decent and well-educated guy with good manners.

Best wishes & take care.

 

[JarodA]

Ignore the creeps. Work is for money and nothing else. Every person has someone at work they'd rather not work with but if they're anything like me, outside the workplace I don't give them even a hint of a second thought .

 

[sixthson]

For those who think JQ should not let the offensiveness of this bother him, would you think differently if it were an African American who overheard two people refer to him as the office token black?