I don't know what to do anymore.

[rammeh]

I know nobody around this forum really knows who I am, but I've been a member here for a while, and never needed to write any of this down as I do now.

A little of my backstory - I first realized I was gay in about the 8th grade - 2002. Being in a highly homophobic and religious family, of course I could not come out to anyone. To fast forward a bit, I was painfully alone - and still am, to this day. Girls were impossible to date, I could not ever become romantically close to a single one. Only recently have I told a former girlfriend of mine (the first, and last, as a matter of fact) that I was gay. She is the only person in my existing world who knows about me.

Besides one other person.

I met a guy over the internet in early July. We started talking, and very quickly, became good friends. We cammed with each other quite a few times, even, jerking off for each other, etc. It was all in good fun.

Anyway, fast forward to the beginning of August. By this point, our relationship had progressed to the point where we were talking to each other on the phone every night, mostly about sex, and how excited we were to see each other. I emailed him almost every night, about something or other that I loved about him. He responded in the same manner. Keep in mind that we had never seen each other in real life before. Yet, I was still falling in love with him. He was such an amazing guy - everything I ever wanted. Someone caring, someone protective, someone with more worldly experience than me. It's a deep down need for me to have someone protective - I can't even explain it, but it's incredibly important.

I went to see him in the 2nd week of August, and within 15 minutes of seeing him for the first time, I knew i was completely in love. We had sex within 1 hour, and that was nothing short of amazing either. Anyway, without going into too much detail, I was blissfully happy.

Then everything changed. After we had had sex - he was like a different person.
"We can't be in a relationship"
"You're too far and too young"
"You're a great guy, but you know this can't work out"
"If only you lived nearer"
Keep in mind, he's just turned 22 and I just turned 18. I was still visiting him for a few more days, and during that time, we did everything BUT have sex again. I almost felt like he was using me or something - just to have sex one time? It didn't make sense. I thought we were in love. I spent the rest of my time with him agonizing over this, wondering why he would not allow me to express myself toward him how I desired.

After I went home, and now, about 4 weeks later, he's completely lost interest in me, at least romantically. Where one time, he would tell me he loved me every chance he got, he now tells me about his 'b/f, so to speak'. My heart has been ripped out. Why is he doing this to me? I thought we were in love.

This guy was the first and only person I had to truly fall in love with, to trust. He made me feel so good, so safe, so protected. And now, just because we don't live close enough to each other, and just because i'm somehow too young all of a sudden, he has another boyfriend. I don't know what they're doing together, but he's talked about moving in with him and such things. He brings him up every night when we're talking like it shouldn't be a big deal for me. I'm scared to even tell him how I feel, for fear that I'll anger him and drive him off. I just want to understand how this guy that I loved so very much could tear my heart out and not even seem to care.

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this all down here, because I don't even know what you guys can offer me. I just want someone to hear what i have to say. I feel so upset right now, and I have ever since I came home from seeing him, and I can't do anything ot make it go away. it feels like there's a thousand pounds on my chest...

 

[screwnutty]

Well I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to hurt. Hurt alot, for the next couple of months. But you will eventually get over him. It's for the best that you have discovered this about him now....instead of much later when you were deeper in the relationship. You next logical step would be to decide if you want to try and remain as friends or just competely axe him out of your life. You got played, used by this guy. It happens to the best of us. The most important thing you can do is to remember this and try to learn something from it. You might want to consider opening up an internet blog and writing down, everyday, how your feeling...that way your not keeping them pent up inside...or talking to me or another member of JUB about it, you know get it out of your system.

I'm hoping this helps and I'm hoping that fellow JUB's will post some other suggestions since I too and new to this type of thing. I've only had one serious person in my life and it when south after 7 years and he actually found a G/F. So I'm familiar with the pain.

It's going to be okay.

 

[rammeh]

But why? He told me he loved me, how is it so easy to get over me? I keep trying to tell myself that it's not me, that he didn't start dating someone else because of me, or being unattracted to me. He's even told me that our lack of a relationship is not because of me. It's so hard to keep believing that.

I was so completely in love with him, and then it was all torn away in a matter of seconds. I've been emotionally and physically numb ever since then, almost as if my mind is still trying to deny it. It's nearly impossible to cope with any of this, so most of the time, I'm just lying in bed sleeping. The big picture though, is that i still have no explanation for this. I want everything to turn out okay, but i'm slowly losing hope for any sort of happiness to come out of all of this.

thank you very much, though, screwnutty. all i really need is a hug and someone to tell me things will be okay. if only I had someone's shoulder to cry on...

 

[pausanias_usa]

It's his problem, not yours. Take it as a learning experience and move on.

Seems both of you became attached to a mental image of each other instead of the real thing. Next time, fall for the real thing!

Early crushes are always difficult to handle, but the sooner you date a few more times -- ok, in my experience, QUITE a few more times -- you'll develop the emotional maturity to hold off quick attachments until something solid comes along.

And then you'll be really, really happy!

 

[screwnutty]

I agree with the above post. Also If he said it was nothing you did then believe him. Maybe he was just being a prick and you were another notch in his belt so to speak. As harsh as that sounds you've gotta move on....it's not going to go back to the way it use to be. He's made that quite clear. It's not really worth getting upset over when there's tons of other ppl in the world that will be better for you then him. It's like riding a horse....you tried....the horse bucked you off. You landed hard. It's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse again. This too much good stuff in this world to just sit and waste away! Trust me!

 

[Smitho]

I am sorry to read your story and I sypathise, life sucks sometimes, and this is one of those times, but you have to get over it (without being to harsh, sorry). He was as screwnutty pointed out, being a prink and that's not your fault, its his problem, but you have to deal with the results, and I can assure you that, firstly, it will get better with time, (it always does no matter how bad it feels at the time) and, secondly, that you will find someone else, and hopefully, this next one will be cool.

So start trying to get over him, cut contact, delete him off MSN etc, and concentarte on finding someone who is not a prick! This takes a bit of time, but regardless of how you feel at the moment, it will happen.

Take care

 

[rammeh]

I want to move on, so badly.

I just wish there was someone here, someone for me. I can't exactly easily go out and find someone to date, considering everyone around me is homophobic and I have very little independence.

As of now, I'm stuck halfway up the hill, and I'm out of gas, so to speak.

 

[Smitho]

Don't worry, you are still young and have loads of time, and there is someone out there for you, and you will meet him, maybe not tommorow, but you will meet him. Don't worry to much about that.

There are loads of treads on here about meeting people, and gaining independence, don't forget you do not have to live at home forever. Do you have plans to go away to university or to move away for work? Both of these get you out the house and into the real world and then you can start to meet people, if you have your own place etc.

To use your analogy get out the car and start pushing, and things will happen, I don't know enough of your specifics for actual advise, but you can make things happen, and they will. You have been hurt and I understand that, get over it and start again.

 

[Pegasus69]

Rammeh, I know this does not make it any easier, but 90% of us have been where you are now. Trust this man just one more time to believe that what he has said is true. That it is not you, it is him. The one danger of the internet and meeting people through it is that it is very easy to romanticize the other individual. It is easy to see all the good but nothing of the very human flaws that we all carry with us. Unfortunately you have been played, used or whatever you want to call it. Getting hurt is a very real possibility any time that we try to start a relationship. You were hurt after a couple of months, I got hurt after 10 years. I got over mine and I know that you will get over yours as well. You are young, you seem to be a sensitive individual. There is someone who is great just waiting for you out there. Don't think that it will happen over night or that it will happen with whomever you desire. Quite often it happens when you least expect it and with someone who you never thought possible. Know that, as long as you chat with us on JUB, you will never be alone. Take this time to enjoy being young. Spend the time with your friends, your family and with yourself. YOu will be fine and this will make you a better and stronger person.

Hugs to you...

 

[confusedboy23]

I feel sorry for you because I can only imagine the hell you are going through right now. It will take time to get over someone whom you have fallen so deeply for. There is no doubt about that. Time will heal the wounds of your heart but you have to stay strong. I would advice you to distance yourself from him and cut contact at least for now and let yourself clear your head.

By the way, you don't have to find reason to post here. We love to see guys posting and we are always here to listen. Trust me, it feels great when you do put your thoughts down in writing. Cry if you need to. I have learnt from someone here that the more you cry and the more you write, the more you will see things clearer. I have done just that and I am emerging as a stronger person leaving the past behind.

Just remember, vent whatever bothers you on JUB. We are here for you!

May peace be with you............

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I do not know of any guy, who has not been there. If that is of any consolation to you?

Falling in love and falling out of love are among the most intense emotional states any human can ever hope to experience in his life.

Yup. Part of it is Internet and the fact that you only really met each other after weeks of cyber love. And much bigger part of it is: real life. Just as you believed him, when he said he was in love with you, you ough to believe him now, when he says, he has found someone else and is considering moving in with that guy.

Keep in mind that it always takes two to tango. You were perfectly willing and happy with him. He did not share the sentiment. Only he knows, if his intentions were honest, or if he was trying to make another entry into his scoreboard. We should really not judge him without hearing his side of the story.

What you really want to do now is to learn how to take rejection in its stride. And how to move on. Sadly, no one here has got any patented receipe how to do this. Everyone has got to find out his own way out of the emotional misery rejections cause.

I always believed that I loved a certain guy for a reason. I also rarely saw that reason became invalid. So, I'd go thru an emotional turmoil just like most other dudes do. And I'd be as miserable as anyone else. But at some point of time, I'd simply wake up out of this nightmare and tell myself that I'd better move on.

I would never stop really feeling for that other guy. And I'd think of him for years to come. All of the people I have ever loved still live with me and for me in my heart. And rarely a day passes without a thought of them. But, I do move on.

And so should you.

SC

 

[Eagle653]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Like most have said, it hurts like hell. And, most of us have gone through it at one time or another.

Why did he do it? Who knows. One thing I would bet-the-rent on is that it's not you. It's him. Whether you were another notch in his bedpost, or once he saw you in real-life it didn't match his expectations of you, or you were his fling to get him out of a rut of a bored relationship, or he was just calluous and the Internet was his afternoon playground, or he's psychotic, or, or, or... you just never know.

I noted in your note that you wrote about not having close real-time friends and feeling isolated. Unfortunately, those are pretty common elements in being sucked into internet-type romances. Some people are on the Internet looking for serious people and serious relationships, and aren't playing games. Others are playing games and yanking people's heartstrings like a violin. It's a shame, but you have to be careful camming and IM'ing and forming relationships in cyberspace.

Lastly, I want to echo what confusedboy said because he said it so perfectly:

By the way, you don't have to find reason to post here. We love to see guys posting and we are always here to listen. Trust me, it feels great when you do put your thoughts down in writing. Cry if you need to. I have learnt from someone here that the more you cry and the more you write, the more you will see things clearer. I have done just that and I am emerging as a stronger person leaving the past behind.

Just remember, vent whatever bothers you on JUB. We are here for you!

May peace be with you............

Welcome to our forum rammeh. I hope you come back and post often.

 

[turtle]

I want to move on, so badly.

I just wish there was someone here, someone for me. I can't exactly easily go out and find someone to date, considering everyone around me is homophobic and I have very little independence.

That very neediness makes you way too vulnerable.

It will attract those who take advantage.

You are, at your age, barely formed as an individual. If you want to attract the right kind of attention from the right kinds of guys, you are going to have to work on yourself first.

Because the sensible guys are going to be attracted to a person with a sound ego, not one who radiates an aura of desperation and need.

-D

 

[bluedragon4]

it does suck but i think the internet is full of guys like that. i use to be a guy like that. i did and said what i had to to get the guy. it was always easy and after the chase i would move on to a hotter guy hoping there would be a bigger challenge. it was empty and i have grown way past it. sadly enough you have to go in not really trusting someone till you truely know them. you chatted on the internet and met once and that was it. make friends with actually people you won't romantasize. you fell in love with the dream of love. but it does get better. especially as you get older. you learn the tricks of the trade so to speak.try to meet a guy who is also 18 and going through what you are. be friends ,have some laughs, and enjoy his company without expectations.try to keep your chin up!there are good guys out there!

 

[Riverrick]

All of these posts are so great! I don't think I've ever heard such wisdom and good advice in one thread before. It makes me really proud to post here.

I just want to comment on a remark you made. You said:

He told me he loved me, how is it so easy to get over me?

To me, that's the most painful part. Logic tells us that if we were really special and lovable, the people we love would not be able to leave us. So we end up questioning our self worth.

You're going to have to just take it on faith that what everyone here is saying is true. You could have been Gandhi and he would have walked away just the same. The problem is in his brain. That's how he missed noticing how special the guy is he already had. I mean you, of course.

 

[confusedboy23]

I might just echo Riverrick here. The problem here is not with you, but with him.

Feelings are not to be played with and hurt is a real consequence. Unfortunately, you have been a victim of a selfish person who was lying to you. The reasoning behind that, whether it was just to get you into bed with him or whatever, we won't know. We can spend an eternity speculating the reasons but unless we confront them, we will never know.

Closure will help us move on but once again, it is unfortunate that we don't always get that. We can try, but at the end of the day, we need to be strong for ourselves. We are here for you, we can only wish that there was an easier pill but there isn't, but time will heal!

 

[rammeh]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. it's wonderful to know that even as I have no one in real life to comfort me, i can come here and at least have understanding people to talk to.

 

[screwnutty]

Glad that we could be of help Rammeh! Remember....don't give up. Were always here for you!

 

[wentworth]

That's sad, but I hope you don't rush into another relationship like this again.
Take it slow the next time, and try to connect on something other than sex--which you said was all you talked about.
He probably took advantage of you, but I hope you are smarter now.

Move on--don't get stuck on this guyat all.

 

[Riverrick]

^^^Good Advice^^^