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I Don't Know What to Do

  • Thread starter Thread starter antdak
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antdak

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First Welcome to JUB! Second: WOW! What a way to start your first post! I'm sorry you had such and experiance coming out. I know when my folks hear of me being gay, they will disown me. But I know that, and I am OK with that.
Third, about your mom calling, I guess it would be up to you, if you want to call her or not. After 12 years she might have changed, but more then likley just wants to know if your OK. Mom's are like that.
It does sound like your life has turned out very well, congrats on that!
 
Nate..........

Being safe.....or being happy .......tough call........especially since you can only guess at the outcome?

Hoping you now have several dear friends you consider "family"!

Great Story! Thanks for sharing!
 
I know I'd be curious to talk to her. After 12 years, she got up the gumption to call you. Whatever she has to say, she's feels it's important enough to do. Maybe she's had some sort of life changing event (death in the family, diagnosis of terminal illness) that's caused her to reevaluate her relationship with her estranged son.

I have a friend who is completely cut off from communication with his (Southern Baptist) family. His situation didn't develop quite as abruptly. There had been tension for a while, but after his family tried to get an ex-gay group to kidnap him and told him about it he pretty much closed off the remaining channels of communiaction. He really wants nothing to do with his family and I don't blame him. His parents tried to contact him for a while, but even now they've given up. I'm not sure what he'll do if they try to find him again 10 years from now.
 
Nate

Welcome to JUB and thanks for sharing your story

Congratulations on picking up and making a successful life for yourself despite your parents

As for your mother - yeah I'd return the call but control the conversation. Where has she been the last twelve years? Me thinks missing out on watching you grow, become successful and she wasn't a part of it. Shame on her

I hope you'll continue to post and let us know how things went

I wish you enough
 
I agree with Brian_1. However, if the conversation quickly went sour and I heard the same type of abusive language or attitude that occurred the night you left home, then I would immediately hang up. Just me, but that's the way it is.

Good idea to stay in control of the conversation......
 
Hey Nate,
I'm so sorry that you're parents reacted the way that they did. It's really amazing how family can turn on you on a dime and even hurt you just because you're gay. I just hope my family reacts differenty when and if I tell them. As for your situation about calling your mom back, it sounds like maybe she's just checking up on you and making sure that you are ok. You should call her just to see what happens. Maybe there's no chance of you reconciling but at least she'll be ok just by hearing your voice and maybe it will bring some closure to what happened in your past together. But it's totally up to you. Like the above post said, you're in control. Good Luck.
 
well, i guess maybe u can use your uncle as a communication bridge between u and your parents, to see what their reaction to your sexuality right now. If they are still religious maniacs like 12 years ago, there is no need to contact then.
 
wow, thats a wrenching story, probably the worst I rember! Best of luck to you! Your a role model!

As for your bum of a "mother" think long and hard before you call, I dont know what I would do if I were faced with that.
 
it worth a try to talk to your parent. they maybe not be forgiving and accepting, but you can. show them what a real catholic should be. and after all they're your parents.

worst case show them there's nothing wrong with being homo. you took care of yourself. you're succesful. ...

good luck!
 
I'm so sorry to hear this, Nate. :( You're incredibly strong. It kills me that you had to go through all of that. You're amazing.

But luckily, youv'e done well for yourself and hopefully you've lived your life happily as an out man.

Now that you've got your bearings straight and you don't depend on anyone anymore, I think you really have the upperhand as for what to do with this phonecall.

I think a part of you will want closure, which is why I think it's worth calling them back. You can look at it this way:

You've proven that you will never have to answer to them ever again and that you don't even need them. So your mother may want to talk to you about two things (the points of interest, anyway):

1) She's come to her senses and she's sorry and weeps bitter tears of remorse along with everyone else in yoru family who threw you away like the good Christians they aren't.

2) She wants to know if you ever worked out your problem and if you have, is willing to let you come back for some reason or another.

If it's 1, then you get a chance to forgive them (if you want to) and build a new relationship with them, which is only, again if you even feel like you want to.

If it's 2, you get to tell her off and rub it in her face that she abandoned you and tell her what terrible people and Christians she and your family (and your 'friends') are. Tell her that's she's a selfish, wicked, woman (you being gay ruined her life?) Then you get to add that if this is how she is, she doesn't have to bother trying to contact you again, because frankly, you won't bother picking up because she has nothing you could ever need and (this is my personal opinion) she's hardly worhty of being called a mother anyway.

So call her back. Treat her like a strangershe deserves to be treated like and find out what you need to find out for closure, and then get the apology you deserve or the last laugh that you deserve. Both of which are completely your right.

Sorry, your story got me really steamed. People who do this to their kids don't deserve to live. I'm merciless in this respect.

Welcome to the board. You're an inspiration.

I also agree with Chris3800. Let her wait...make her wait a week or so. Call her when you're bored or something, between actual important things in your life. In every aspect, you have the upper hand here. Now make them sweat. Crush them.
 
I think you at least need to return the call, but as said above, remain in control of the conversation. She and your father lost control of you and anything about you with the events of that night described. You owe her nothing but listening and being civil (even though they weren't) and if they or she wants back in your life, it will depend on what you decide. That is all your choice.

If you decide to let her/them back into your life you set the conditions as to how it will be. Again, they deserted you on that night and had no contact with you for all those years, basically abdicating any role in your life. Also remember, it will never be the same but more likely a tension will always be between you.

Sorry to have heard about what happened, happy that you have become a success. Good luck and keep doing what you are doing.
 
drhladnjak said:
I know I'd be curious to talk to her. After 12 years, she got up the gumption to call you. Whatever she has to say, she's feels it's important enough to do. Maybe she's had some sort of life changing event (death in the family, diagnosis of terminal illness) that's caused her to reevaluate her relationship with her estranged son.
Click to expand...

What a tough, but inspiring story. I agree with drhladnjak. There is some reason for the first call after 12 years. I would return the call, but block my phone number. If the call isn't going well, just say it was a mistake to call and please don't call me again. Good luck!
 
My ebf had a run in with his stepfather. The family is also devote Catholic! The stepfather attacked my xbf with a knife and then threw the xbf out in the street and he was homeless fora month before I knew what had happened and sent him money to find an apartment.

My new bf has a similar situation. parents found out is gay, they have told him to move out, but at least no physical damage so far...his parents are also devote Catholics!

So much for organized religions!

I am sorry this happened to you, but no surprise here! I could NEVER understand that one minute you are the son they made and raised, and then just because your gay your thrown away like old clothing or disowned!

I agree with others, you can chose to name that call or not. if it is the same ols same old, you can just say, "Thanks mom, have a good life and goodbye!"

Welcome to JUB
 
Here's my fortune cookie for you:

We're still human. We're almost all descendants of members of this or that medieval religion. I'm not denying any comfort that anyone gets from such constructions. We are imperfect listeners and imperfect messengers. But our human curiosity has exposed to us the fact that much of the medieval world view and view of human psychology was and is wrong. We are growing up. Growing up doesn't mean we abandon the road that brought us to where we are; it means that we see the road for what it is.
 
Something similar happened to me. Despite coming from a wealthy family, I ended up homeless, briefly, while I figured out how to pull myself together.

But my advice is to speak with your mother. Listen to what she has to say. In the end we generally regret the things we didn't do more than we regret taking a chance, even if it doesn't turn out the way we'd like. I think it's better to not set ourselves up for wondering what might have happened if ...

And who knows -- maybe she's ready to recognize she was wrong. We only get one mother and if there's any chance to repair that relationship, I think it's worth trying.

Good luck. (*8*)
 
I think your parents are horrible people and I find it incredible that the law doesn't protect children from this kind of abandonment of their reponsibilities towards you. Whatever... they don't deserve you and they don't deserve to get any closure.

For your sake and for the sake of closure, I nevertheless agree with the bulk of the advice here to call her (or have her call you).

I don't know how you deal with anger and confrontation. You shouldn't expect any kind of satisfying conversation with her. Let her do the talking. It's been 12 years! Whatever her motives for contacting you, they are likely to be more about her than about you. You should be prepared for that.

All the best! (*8*)
 
The revolting unchristian treatment you received from those who should have had your best interests at heart is imprinted deeply in your psyche. You remember every detail with clarity and, I imagine, with bitterness.

Your parents failed you by demonstrating their incapacity for that basic requirement of parenthood, unconditional love. Instead their love was dependent on you conforming to their expectations rather than in supporting you in discovering your true purpose.

You have lived almost half your life, and all your adult life independent from your parents and have demonstrated that you can function very successfully without them. You may feel though that you need to resolve unfinished business with them in order to move forward.

There is nothing really to be lost by contacting your mother - she has already demonstrated that she is capable of the utmost depths of despicable behaviour and there is no worse pain that she could inflict on you. But I doubt that the quality of her love will have changed. There will likely be an expectation, an implied obligation, that you partake in some family-related event. Her motivation will be to make her feel good about herself.

Listen to what she has to say but do not make any decisions or give any commitments over the phone. Write 'no decisions, no commitments' on a piece of paper and have it in front of you when you make the call. Also write "You've managed without me for twelve years, I'm sure you'll manage without me now. Just as I've had to manage without you."

Is the uncle your maternal or paternal uncle? Could your father be gay?
 
Wow, what an incredible coming out story. I'm glad that you ended up so well.

If I were in your shoes, I think curiosity would get the better of me, and I'd end up talking to her. But, I would also do what Brian_1 suggests and really control the conversation.

Let us know what you decide to do. I'm interested in knowing not only what you did, but your reasoning. This is quite a dilemma.
(*8*)
 
I just have to say I think you're pretty amazing and should be proud of yourself.

I'm also sorry it went as you did when coming out and when it comes to your mother, you should do whatever you think is best, even if it's to not call her. It's easy for other people who're not you and haven't gone through what you have to say for a certain to do this or that but it's all up to you. If you do decide to talk to her let her have her say (if she has anything important to say after all these years), if not and it's not what you needed to hear, you can just say your goodbye and hopefully find some sort of a closure there (if possible!).

Interested in hearing how it all went if you decide to share, thanks and goodluck!
 
I think you should call and see what she has to say for herself, however like others have said you stay in control of the situation and just hang up on her sorry ass if she starts any bullshit.

As a parent I cannot understand how any parents would treat their kids they way yours have treated you! You have come away from it all and have made a success of yourself my hat off to you, you are a strong person.
 
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