I dont want to be gay...

[hotdog1846]

I have almost come to terms with how things are. I want the white picket fence in suburbia with 2.5 children like the typical American family has. I want to be the husband and have the wife that bakes cookies and is a wonderful mother to our children but I have recently started thinking about how things might not turn out how I want them to--or how my family wants them to.

For what it's worth -- and this might be a bit off-topic -- I think what you describe is a myth.

I grew up in a family that looked, from the outside, like what you describe (except we didn't have a white picket fence -- that wouldn't have matched our architecture ) but I saw everything that went on behind the scenes in keeping that family unit together. The conflicts, the fights, the miscommunications, the compromises, the reconciliations. Making a family is hard, hard work.

There are two ways to pull that off:

1. Create an elaborate facade, both inside and outside. Usually the results are that one of the partners can't live with the disingenuity and becomes an addict of some kind or another.

2. Be your whole, genuine, honest self in everything you do, and don't pull any games with your spouse.

 

[mexamor]

Some great posts here, my two cents is this:
Never be dishonest with yourself or another person. I was to myself and my wife and I feel as though I have caused irreprable harm. I'm a pussy and always try to please others, not that it is so bad to do that, it is just that to deny the truth to myself to do it was foolish. I hate that I lied to my wife, a wonderful person. I can't change the past, I just go forward and finally with honesty with my freind my wife. No sex for me and that sucks, that is the agreement we made, but I get to have friends and that is wonderful for me. Good luck to you. You are not alone.

PS men can be various degrees of str8 or gay but what ever we are we are, there is no changing, there is no therapy, the literature does not support therapy to change and in fact is looked upon as unethical professionally. The causes are unknown but there are some guesses and probably there is a complex relationship as to why. Freudian logic on sexuality was long since droped as innacurate by everyone including the religious right who seem to forget that when they think they can do therapy and chage us. People who use psuedo science to promote only thier bias are at best foolish, i would say dangerously dishonest, since they cannot explain what for them is unexplainable, except through deicit.
Women, however can ebb and flow from str8 to gay (bitches ) just kidding.

 

[NightDancer]

Dorkman,

You may be conflicted about what is going on in your life and regardless of what anyone says, eventually you will make a decision of that is suitable for whatever circumstances are around you (although I belive that you are born either straight, gay or bi). For what is worth, here is my story and I hope it helps in some small way. Since I was young, I knew I was different and I knew I was gay. But given my circumstances at the time I could not admit it to myself or acknowledge it to anyone. Through high school and part of college I had a girlfriend and I wanted to get married, buy a house, have kids etc. I was even engaged and we had already started planning for a wedding. But I was still attracted to men and instead of ruinning her life and potentially ruining my future family's life I broke off the engagement and we broke up. Then started all the questions from family/friends/co-works and I panicked and a month later I started seeing another girl that I knew. We dated for over 2 years and then she started talking marriage. At that point I knew it had gone too far and I had to do something. I knew a few friends at work that were gay, however they did not know I was (although they suspected, so they told me later) and I told one of them what had been happening and asked him if I could join them when they went out some night. I did join them and found a whole part of life that I didn't even know it existed (I lived a sheltered life up until then and didn't even know gay bars existed). I then came to realize that what I was doing were things that my family/friends wanted and so I went along. So that weekend I broke it off (I won't get into details how it happened as to this day, it was one of the worst experiences in my life). Three weeks later, I went back to the bar my friends took me to, and I met someone. We met for a few more weekends at the bar and then we started dating. Now 12 years later he is the love of my life and I could not even think of living without him. I'm out to friends and at work and to some family members. However, me being gay never comes up when I visit my family. Whether they chose to admit it, ignore it, or deny it - that's their perogative. I could care less. To those comments regarding having the perfect american life (please excuse me if I'm misquoting) - I have someone I love to share the rest of my life with, I have a beautiful house in the suburbs, 2 cats, 1 dog and a couple of resident deer that come around every morning at dawn. No kids yet, but we're still young enough that we could adopt if we chose to. Not to be conceded or anything, but my "gay" life is better that half of the "straight" family/friends/co-workers that I know and it's something that when I was in high school I thought it was impossible to achieve. I hope this wasn't too long and good luck with whatever you decide.

NightDancer

 

[M4P]

Dorkman,

You may be conflicted about what is going on in your life and regardless of what anyone says, eventually you will make a decision of that is suitable for whatever circumstances are around you (although I belive that you are born either straight, gay or bi). For what is worth, here is my story and I hope it helps in some small way. Since I was young, I knew I was different and I knew I was gay. But given my circumstances at the time I could not admit it to myself or acknowledge it to anyone. Through high school and part of college I had a girlfriend and I wanted to get married, buy a house, have kids etc. I was even engaged and we had already started planning for a wedding. But I was still attracted to men and instead of ruinning her life and potentially ruining my future family's life I broke off the engagement and we broke up. Then started all the questions from family/friends/co-works and I panicked and a month later I started seeing another girl that I knew. We dated for over 2 years and then she started talking marriage. At that point I knew it had gone too far and I had to do something. I knew a few friends at work that were gay, however they did not know I was (although they suspected, so they told me later) and I told one of them what had been happening and asked him if I could join them when they went out some night. I did join them and found a whole part of life that I didn't even know it existed (I lived a sheltered life up until then and didn't even know gay bars existed). I then came to realize that what I was doing were things that my family/friends wanted and so I went along. So that weekend I broke it off (I won't get into details how it happened as to this day, it was one of the worst experiences in my life). Three weeks later, I went back to the bar my friends took me to, and I met someone. We met for a few more weekends at the bar and then we started dating. Now 12 years later he is the love of my life and I could not even think of living without him. I'm out to friends and at work and to some family members. However, me being gay never comes up when I visit my family. Whether they chose to admit it, ignore it, or deny it - that's their perogative. I could care less. To those comments regarding having the perfect american life (please excuse me if I'm misquoting) - I have someone I love to share the rest of my life with, I have a beautiful house in the suburbs, 2 cats, 1 dog and a couple of resident deer that come around every morning at dawn. No kids yet, but we're still young enough that we could adopt if we chose to. Not to be conceded or anything, but my "gay" life is better that half of the "straight" family/friends/co-workers that I know and it's something that when I was in high school I thought it was impossible to achieve. I hope this wasn't too long and good luck with whatever you decide.

NightDancer

I thought I just read the story of my life. The similarities are unreal - right up to the house in the burbs with pets and deer nearby

Happiness and truth are possible

Thanks for the great post NightDancer

 

[Soilwork]

But if you are gay and unmarried - where do you get the kids ???

Well.. find a guy.. adopt? Surrogate mother?

be lucky enought to meet a guy with kids?

 

[windgates]

I know how everyone talks about my gay uncle (yes, I'm guilty of it too) and I don't want them to talk about me like that.

When I was younger like everyone I knew had a gay uncle/cousin. I thought "Gee, I've never had a gay uncle/cousin." Then it hit me later that the gay uncle/cousin was going to be me.

Meh I'm over it.

 

[mexamor]

I agree, the guilt is harmful. and it seems that our society teaches nothing but guilt.

 

[gewhite3]

i never had sex with a guy or a girl, iahd the same amount of blow jobs with girls as guys and i stoped going to the bathroom and had the last two blowjobs from girls

dellboy5,

I don't know how to tell you this but BLOW JOBS ARE SEX!!! Get a grip and stop being in denial. The only one you have to please is yourself and it sounds like the message you are coming across with in your posts is to justify your feelings (which you obviously cannot deal with) to yourself.

Good luck to you.... I am not trying to be harsh here but it sounds like you are your own worst enemy.

 

[Undisclosed]

What fear can do is amazing....

Be truth to yourself wherever that leads you.

 

[NightDancer]

I thought I just read the story of my life. The similarities are unreal - right up to the house in the burbs with pets and deer nearby

Happiness and truth are possible

Thanks for the great post NightDancer

Thanks Brian_1. Anything is possible as long as you're truthful to yourself and give yourself enough time. Things have a way to fall in place.