i have a problem with my college roommates, what should i do?

[bounder]

You're a Freshmen at a new school? You've only been there for a few weeks, who cares if everyone thinks you're straight? If you're just not ready to come out yet, that's a different story. Get in contact with residential life and tell them why you want to move. Tell them that you're gay and don't feel comfortable with your roommates, and you might all of a sudden become a priority. I'm guessing that they'll keep it confidential and see if something can be arranged.

 

[saymyname]

Dude, are you insane? Definitely go to your RA and demand that you get your room switched. Call it discrimination. Find out your rights. You should not be forced to live with homophobic frat boys. If it's really bad, withdraw from the residency and move into an apartment. Put up an ad on craigslist and try to find cool roommates in the area. You're in college, the time to stay in the closet is WAY OVER WITH. It's YOUR time now, so you shine.

But also, you moved from the liberal New England area to FLORIDA!? ... Unless you're in Fort Lauderdale I'm not sure why you would do that.

All teenage gay boys should do what I did and move to a big city ASAP. The communities that exist in big cities will change your life. I moved from a tiny small town to the 7th largest city in North America. My life couldn't be any more different...

 

[FlaMan]

But also, you moved from the liberal New England area to FLORIDA!? ... Unless you're in Fort Lauderdale I'm not sure why you would do that.....Ok I am from Fl and Ft Lauderdale is not all that...There are others cities that have just as good if not better gay clubs organizations ..every city offers an individual different venues so we shouldnt compare one against the other..Ok now for the big question..what city are you in? If in the Tampa bay area I can direct you to outside resources who may be able to help...

 

[kineticpsi]

On the flip side, I think you should try to get to know your roommates better. I thought some of my male roommates were homophobic but they didn't care and actually supported me when I came out.

Guys, especially younger straight males, seem to need to prove they're straight by denouncing everything gay. If you are with them one on one, chances are they'll be a lot less relaxed. I can't promise they aren't homophobic, but if you don't know them that well you're doing yourself a disservice by assuming they are.

If you're comfortable talking to them about it, do so. They may find that they're comfortable around you at first, and eventually their views of gays may change. If you aren't comfortable, definatley talk to the RA. But take a chance and get to know them!


That's why you moved to Florida in the first place, right?

 

[thisisinteresting]

But take a chance and get to know them!

Why would you want to waste your time getting to know people who in the first weeks of meeting them are like UGH I CAN'T STAND GAY PEOPLE I COULD NEVER HAVE A GAY ROOMMATE? Hell nah.

I agree with another poster - HIGH SCHOOL is the time to be stuck in the closet. Don't let it stick through college too. Make a scene about it, they'd sure as hell move a black guy out of a room with 3 guys talking about lynching blacks or something. Just keep bringing it up and say it's a serious conflict? Talk to someone else? There has to be a way. You can't even trade rooms with someone who wants to trade rooms? I don't understand what Freshmen in hotels have to do with that, trading leaves no vacancy and has nothing to do with new people being put in rooms?

Man, I'd never live in a dorm for reasons like this. You just get stuck with random ass people? Ain't that some shit. Seriously, do something about that.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your RA is not taking this problem seriously. And the requirement of having to meet with your roommates is bullshit.

You have the option of going over the RA's head and get the change. You can talk with your academic advisor or the faculty advisor for the campus LBGT organization for suggestions on how to work around the RA. Although if there are 300 people waiting in a hotel, it's not clear why they can't just swap you with one of the people in hotel until they can find other arrangements.

For the long-term, join campus organizations. Make friends. And then choose your roommates next semester. Universities are full of gay people and open-minded people who need roommates- even in Florida. You just got stuck with the wrong guys.

 

[LoveIsNow]

I had the same problem at college in Tampa (USF) last year. I only had one roommate and an overtly homophobic RA (She was born again so she smiled and acted like she was helping me by being a bitch). I actually stayed, because I had my own bedroom, and I'm a fighter about these things. I just made sure my boyfriend and I did it really really loud, and treated the whole thing as a business relationship. I didn't pick him as my roommate, so I didn't have to be bestest buddies with him, just deal with him.

As for your situation, I'd try talking to the building manager of your dorm or what have you: someone who works for a living and knows more than what they learned in their week or two of RA training.

 

[G-Lexington]

If your RA is gay, and doesn't see anything wrong with living with homophobes, then she can very well switch rooms with you.

Insist on a room change. Now. Go over her head if you have to.

Lex

 

[Ryuukie]

I think joining some clubs may help a little, but the unlying issue is your roommate. You're never going to feel comfortable there unless you're with someone with whom you're more compatible. Frankly, I wouldn't tolerate it. I would be talking to the dean and telling him or her it better become someone's priority to find you a better roommate.

 

[chillyboi]

lots of good advice here. take t & use it

Good Luck!!!!!!!

 

[bankside]

Your RA is a moron. How this works is three guys get kicked out to different rooms because of their attitudes, and they are told if it happens again they lose their place in res or potentially even more serious sanctions. You get three delightful new roomies with brains and half a clue moving in. That is what happens in the real world. Don't know what planet this RA thinks she is on.

 

[CudDULL]

Go to housing and explain your situation. You are not comfortable at all and need assistance from them as much as possible. You can pretty much be in a dangerous situation depending on how homophobic your friends are.

BTW you are in college, this is your change to break free and define yourself who you are. You should slowly start coming out it wont be so bad especially if you start making friends as a gay person oppose to being straight and then coming out as gay. Coming out over and over is annoying imo.

 

[pattepat]

I've never posted before, but if there is ever a topic where I feel posting is most appropriate, it's this one. I am a Residence Hall Coordinator (some call them Hall Directors) at a school and this is not a completely uncommon situation, unfortunately. Also, I'm gay, so I definitely understand the issues surrounding coming out in the collegiate residential setting (as I myself did).

From my perspective, I think that it is important to realize that you will encounter many different types of people in college. Your roommates may be homophobic; at the same time, though, understand the issue from their perspective. I don't know if they're first-year students or not, but it is likely that they've never been exposed to someone who identifies as gay. Their literal ignorance of the issue might manifest itself in the homophobia you're likely seeing.

I think that it is likely that your RA is being a bit too hands-off. If you're ready to come out of the closet now and comfortable doing that, then ask your RA to be there when you decide to come out to your roommates. This way, the RA can help gauge their response. They might have no problem at all and may even apologize for their actions before. Or, they might express discomfort. With your RA there on yoru side, if discomfort is legitimate, then you have a good case for moving to a different room. (The fact is, it is ALWAYS possible to switch two people in a residence hall. Many institutions even have procedures set in place for this very type of move where intimidation may be an issue.)

If you go to your RA and s/he is unwilling to do this, then definitely speak with your RA's supervisor (likely someone called a Hall Director, Hall Coordinator, or Area Coordinator) and speak with them about the issue. They are much more likely to be receptive to helping you in this situation.

I don't in any way to diminish your feelings. I know that it must be very scary to live in a situation like that. The fact that many people recommend that you demand a room move is no surprise to me. But, I think that this is as good a developmental opportunity for yourself to encounter uncomfortable situations as it is for your roommates to encounter people from backgrounds that they're uncomfortable with.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this situation.

 

[Kyanimal]

My first college roomy was also a Preacher's Kid, like me (which is, probably, why we got stuck together), and it turned out we didn't have ANYTHING in common, and I'm not even talking about the Gay vs. Str8 issue! For whatever reasons, we didn't "take" to each other at All!!

We ended up "tolerating" each other for a year! Yeah! We slept in the same small room, but we ignored each other as best we could. I didn't feel threatened, at all, by "whatever his name was", and had a lot of contacts (I was voted dorm Pres.), and though he wasn't really a "problem", he was still there!

And, you know what?, that experience actually helped to expand my perceptions of what living Life, with others, might entail!

"What's his face" wasn't mean, nor all that intimidating. I would describe him as "bland". However, I just knew that he didn't like me, all that well, and the feeling was mutual.

We even tried talking about it, and that didn't even work out. Both of us merely decided that we were "stuck" with each other, and did our best to make the most of an unenjoyable time together. But, we also didn't let that hamper our own pursuits.

I agree with what's been said before about, maybe, giving your situation some more time. Get to know your roomies, and let them get to know you. And, that means not hiding who you really are! It may well prove to be quite informative, and educational, for all involved! Part of learning, about Life, is discovering how to handle situations that may not be all that easy, or preferred/superb.

Of course, I'm wishing you the Very Best, and am hoping things can be worked out for you!

However, in any case ... no matter what ... and I do mean this most sincerely ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[StlKj]

Forgive me for saying so, but you've now pointed out several times how their talking about getting with girls makes you uncomfortable. How is that any different than their discomfort with gay people? Yes, they made statements about gays, not knowing they're living with one--one they apparently think is cool enough to joke with, invite out and talk about sex with. You've written them off as homophobes, and seem somewhat judgmental about their partying and sexing it up. I know you're stressed and uncomfortable, but you're coming off just a little heterophobic here, too.

 

[StlKj]

Also i dont care that they party at all, thats how they want to live life. I just dont want to be involved with people that smoke and drink and party all the time.

So, you don't want them to know you're gay because of how they feel about gay people, and you don't want them to ignore you. But it makes you uncomfortable what they talk about, and you don't approve of their partying. So what do you want? Do you want roommates that accept your gayness so you can be open? Or do you want roommates who don't care, so you can keep it to yourself? Do you want roommates who don't party? Are you looking to be accepted, or left alone?

There's more to this than just the gay angle. You're right to be uncomfortable with what they've said, but it really sounds like a big part of you is still uncomfortable with yourself. Follow your plan to get more involved and find your niche--you might start caring less about what others think about you then.

 

[StlKj]

I guess I am looking to be accepted, I just have to comfortable with myself more, I just want to make friends and be happy with myself and in order for that to happen I have to come out, but its really hard because I feel a lot of people will judge me just because I'm gay. I think I should join the gay straight alliance and hopefully they will give me advice about coming out. I just really hope I get a good college experience.

You can only get a good college experience if you make it one, little brother.

The bottom line really is being comfortable enough with yourself. And until you can get that way, you're only going to project onto others the judgment you're really laying on yourself. And look at it this way--is it really any of their business if you're gay? You're not screwing anyone in the room, so do they really need to know? Don't skulk around, tiptoeing in your own space for fear of being found out. Be yourself, and just declare talks about your sex life off limits. At least until you're comfortable enough with yourself that you don't give a shit what they think.

 

[bankside]

I guess I am looking to be accepted, I just have to comfortable with myself more, I just want to make friends and be happy with myself and in order for that to happen I have to come out, but its really hard because I feel a lot of people will judge me just because I'm gay. I think I should join the gay straight alliance and hopefully they will give me advice about coming out. I just really hope I get a good college experience.

This was smarter advice than I gave you the first time. They will also probably be able to help you with your living situation. Maybe somebody else has been through that before on campus, and maybe they know how to get the problem solved in your favour.

(I still think the RA is a moron.)

 

[spencer]

I don't get how you want to stay in the closet yet are affected by straight guy, locker room talk. That's like closet 101.

I have a friend who was a self proclaimed phobe. When I came out to him, he was fine with it. And he's the guy that sends me pics of himself shirtless cause he knows I like it.

You should just try to be friends with your roomates. When they get over their macho selves, you'll get to see their real sides. You'd be surprised.

 

[maxpowr9]

You should just try to be friends with your roomates. When they get over their macho selves, you'll get to see their real sides. You'd be surprised.

I am going to have to agree with spence on this one. While your sexuality does define an attribute of yourself, it isn't the only one. Find some common ground with your roommates and get to know them on a much deeper level before coming out to them. If you don't like them after that, then ask to be moved.

Besides, from my understanding as an RA, most schools have a no-move 2 week policy at the beginning of each semsester.