i have a problem with my college roommates, what should i do?

[spencer]

thanks Lube

 

[ariesstar89]

So I feel the need to give my thoughts on this. First of, to give you a little perspective about me: I'm a junior at college in the deep south, Alabama. I am also an RA here at an all-guys dorm and am out to all my residents, which shocked the hell out of them because I guess I don't come across as gay, but all are accepting of it and don't care (which is saying something since 90% of my residents are in the Greek system here and thus are usually the toughest to gain acceptance from). So now that you have a little perspective about it all, let me try and do my duties as an RA, lol.

First off, you've done good by telling your RA about the situation and letting her know what is going on. Now, I don't know the type of school you go to, how big it is, etc etc...But here, we have "Safe Places" for residents who cannot deal with roommates who discriminate against them. So you may not be out, and that is perfectly okay for you not to be....but if you feel threatened/intimated by your roommates because of your sexual orientation, then I would talk to your RA or community director about what is going on and ask them if any "Safe Places" exist on campus or in your dorm.

Just a little advice to think about as far as the situation goes with your roommate. As far as making friends go, you seem like a well rounded guy that has a good head on his shoulders. There should be several opportunities to make friends outside of any gay club (though as a member of a LGBTQ organization here, I would recommend it for support), such as intramural sports or maybe some political organizations or maybe even some art/theatre clubs. Whatever you're into, I'm sure your school offers some type of organization. If not, then look at the town the campus is in. Most college towns have clubs, like those previously stated, to lure students to.

Honestly, you have all year to make friends, and this is just a bump in the road along the way. Just some food for thought for the time being, but I do have a question - are you worried about coming out at all, or is it just the fact that your roommates have a problem with it?

 

[rareboy]

^ Wow.

All the rest of the advice through this thread pales next to this.

In retrospect, there's no question. The OP was the victim here and took all the appropriate steps.

 

[KaraBulut]

Actually, very good advice Ariesstar89.

Now if OP would return and give us all an update...

 

[tallguy297]

So I feel the need to give my thoughts on this. First of, to give you a little perspective about me: I'm a junior at college in the deep south, Alabama. I am also an RA here at an all-guys dorm and am out to all my residents, which shocked the hell out of them because I guess I don't come across as gay, but all are accepting of it and don't care (which is saying something since 90% of my residents are in the Greek system here and thus are usually the toughest to gain acceptance from). So now that you have a little perspective about it all, let me try and do my duties as an RA, lol.

First off, you've done good by telling your RA about the situation and letting her know what is going on. Now, I don't know the type of school you go to, how big it is, etc etc...But here, we have "Safe Places" for residents who cannot deal with roommates who discriminate against them. So you may not be out, and that is perfectly okay for you not to be....but if you feel threatened/intimated by your roommates because of your sexual orientation, then I would talk to your RA or community director about what is going on and ask them if any "Safe Places" exist on campus or in your dorm.

Just a little advice to think about as far as the situation goes with your roommate. As far as making friends go, you seem like a well rounded guy that has a good head on his shoulders. There should be several opportunities to make friends outside of any gay club (though as a member of a LGBTQ organization here, I would recommend it for support), such as intramural sports or maybe some political organizations or maybe even some art/theatre clubs. Whatever you're into, I'm sure your school offers some type of organization. If not, then look at the town the campus is in. Most college towns have clubs, like those previously stated, to lure students to.

Honestly, you have all year to make friends, and this is just a bump in the road along the way. Just some food for thought for the time being, but I do have a question - are you worried about coming out at all, or is it just the fact that your roommates have a problem with it?

Thank you ariesstar89 for taking the time to write this post. Its an incredible insight that comes from experience and understanding one one we've probably all learned something from!

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thank you, Ariesstar89. You are just the expert we needed for this scenario.

 

[aijalon18]

I dont get why my post was removed. Some person was rude about my post and called other people names and i responded by explaining that it wasnt appropriate to do that, and didnt call them names. I also explained that we were not trying to attack the OP but point out that certain choices he made were making his situation worse. So why was my post removed?

I know everyone thinks ariestar is has "solved" the problem. But I totally disagree. I still think the OP based on what he described jumped the gun. According to the OP his roommates never, ever threatened him or his personal gayness. The roommates denounced the idea of a hypothetical gay roommate. They dont know he is gay and didnt direct their comments to him. While a gay person or straight person might find these comments offensive. It would responsibility to condemn them right then and there. Not keep quiet than run and tell the RA.

Ariestar, part of your post actually concerns me. You almost sound grateful that these straight people in your building have found it in their fratboy hearts to "accept" their gay RA. Your sexuality is a personal fact that doesnt concern them. It is not something that is for anyone to accept or not accept. I'm not trying to attack you at all. You seem lovely but I think this attitude is part of what hurts that gay/bi community.

 

[rareboy]

^ I think your post was removed because the offending post, my tsk, tsk and your response were removed together. Which is what should happen.

But I also have to agree with you. I don't think that Ariesstar's advice, while good in a general way, really addressed all the nuances in this case. I think it helps validate the victimization mentality that many more young people seem to have been raised with over the last 20 years. It validates the notion that all problems have to be solved by authority rather than individual effort.

This does not bode well for society in the future.

So, my advice still stands. Stop crying before you're hurt. Start by spending as much effort tackling the problem head-on as playing the victim. Realize that you have the power. That you're not helpless. Even though most of you have been raised to think that you are.

 

[KaraBulut]

I dont get why my post was removed. Some person was rude about my post and called other people names and i responded by explaining that it wasnt appropriate to do that, and didnt call them names. I also explained that we were not trying to attack the OP but point out that certain choices he made were making his situation worse. So why was my post removed?

When there's a flame post that is removed, we sometimes have to remove the posts that refer to it or quote it.

Otherwise, it looks like you're responding to someone else's post and it no longer makes sense.

 

[Lube]

I agree with Rareboy. Ariesstar's post is helpful about finding friends outside the roommates, but his well-intentioned advice is misguided in terms of finding a 'safe place'. Your roommates have not threatened you directly; it's only theoretical. There's a huge difference.

My original advice still stands.

 

[spencer]

It's kinda pointless at this point cause the OP is gone and I don't blame him. I agree with his therapist in that he should find some common ground with his roomates (or one of them). Like everyone has to eat. "Hey, you wanna grab some lunch?" That's all it takes, then during lunch ask about high school and what it was like and what your major is. There's no gay, there's no homophobia, there's no straight even, you just get to know somebody.

If during that one lunch, he starts doing crazy things, then yes, that person's not right. But overhearing they might not be right and actually having a conversation with a person you've asked to have lunch with are two very different things. He should at least TRY and find out first hand for himself. His chances of getting physically hurt by it are slim. And his chances of figuring out that person increases by a million.

 

[ariesstar89]

Ok sorry, was just trying to be helpful, didn't realize my post came across as offensive or degrading or whatever, I'm just stating some advice based on how MY life is down here and how MY situations have gone. That was all..

Ok so given, I did not fully read the entire thread, just the first couple of posts from the OP...so I guess it can be assumed he isnt threatened by them or whatver, I was just trying to give some advice based on how my job is. Excuse me

And I figured it was an assumed kind of thing, but I guess one can't truely grasp just how backwards it is down here in Alabama without being born and raised in this state. (Don't get me wrong, I love it here, just hate some of the attitudes that come with it). So the idea of not being judged based on my own sexuality in a dorm full of cocky Greek members is astounding and amazing in my eyes.

Again, I was just trying to give some thoughts for the OP to think about, and wasn't tryin to make our community look bad just for trying to help someone out, I do apologize

 

[tallguy297]

I dont think you have anything to apologize for ariesstar89...

Your advice and post was easily one of the most succinct and beneficial posts here... one based entirely on experience and fact.

Dont ever apologise for wanting to be heard, to offer and opinion and advice - especially when that advice can potentially save someone from harm.

More than that mate, dont ever stop trying to help others... thats a rare thing and I'm sure aekid89 learned something... as did we.

 

[KaraBulut]

I second that. Your post was extremely well-thought out and offered personal insight from an RA's perspective.

There's a lot of very different opinions in the thread. Just because someone has a different viewpoint than you have doesn't mean that your post was not valuable or insightful.

 

[MikeHere]

Living away from home for the first time is not easy for anyone. It sounds like aekid89 knows what's best for him. Thinking back on my first year of college, it makes a lot of sense to me.

I wish you luck aekid89. You have a good head on your shoulders. If I can help in any way, please let me know. If you want to talk, PM me.