I might want to bottom, but my boyfriend is a power bottom... help?

[confusedguy89]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of month. We are happy, in love, and I see him in my future for a long time.
I knew before we dated that my boyfriend is a total bottom and has no interest in topping. At first, I was okay with it because I have tried bottoming with my Dildo and did not like it as much as I hoped for (but I still consider myself vers). I sometimes get the urge to bottom though, however my boyfriend said that he won't top because he does not find topping a turn on, he finds sticking a dick in someone's ass is disgusting and it doesn't feel good to him (he only tried it once).
What can I do? He's everything I want in a guy and I don't think that I could find another one like him (that is vers). We both are in our early 20's.

 

[hotatlboi]

are you into threesomes?

 

[confusedguy89]

are you into threesomes?

Nope. He doesn't like them. I wouldn't like them either (in fear that my bf would like the other party)

 

[bankside]

You hope and encourage him not to be so closed-minded. I have a big problem with this whole "I'm a top / I'm a bottom" thing going around the gay community, which is basically that it's being selfish and limits what a person can enjoy in bed, but also what his partner can enjoy in bed.

If he enjoys the experience of bottoming with you, what right does he have to deny you the same enjoyment with him? You're willing to try something new for you, and that's actually a good thing. It's the best way to have a sex life that gets better over time instead of shrinking down to nothing. Exploring something new is one of those things you're supposed to do when you're alive.

He needs to get over his "disgust" and realize if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you too. And what does he think of you if you're willing to do something so "disgusting" for his pleasure?

So, basically I'm coming down on your guy pretty hard, and I don't mean to be so harsh. But I do think the whole top vs. bottom thing is kind of a bullshit attitude that's way too common. It just gets in the way of people's pleasure and holds them back when one person wants to try something new in bed. If I tried to push that on my boyfriend, I would feel I was letting him down and being boring.

Anyway, this kind of thing is probably hard to change. He's got it stuck in his head, and hopefully you can help get it unstuck. It's probably hard for him to change his attitudes and honestly I sympathize for how hard it will be for him to get over this. But it really is his problem to get over.

 

[Gatorguy]

Wow, I know this is not going to be a popular response, but honestly, I think this falls under the category of:

When people tell you who they are, listen to them. - not my line

How many times do you watch people around you fall for someone, but they just want to change ____________ about them. To me, your guy was honest and up front about what he was looking for, and you then selected him as an overall package.

Now, it seems like you want to change him because you have changed. To me that is a tough struggle, but it's mostly yours. To me, you have to be the one to decide if he has enough other positive qualities to still be a good fit for you.

Just what I think.

 

[Stoopid]

You know how lesbians like to scissor each other?

 

[bullwing413]

What ever happen to PLEASING your partner? It used to be that was one of the things couples did. Perhaps that means that every now and again a bottom should top and vice-versa or at least artfully use a Dildo It's called being selfless and, frankly, it's a great part of being in love.

 

[Seasoned]

As someone who is married to a bottom I know that things can change if both are open to the possibility. I've learned that if I want it bad enough I can hop on in the morning as his morning wood stays hard.

Your bf will need to be willing to change his attitude to accommodate you. A willing partner does this over time. In the meantime a double header will be a good investment. It's very hot sharing that special look.

 

[bankside]

Wow, Seriously?

So anyone that is strictly a bottom needs to get over their inability to top and become "versatile"? That's honestly one of the stupidest things I've ever read.

As a bottom I have ZERO interest in topping, I've no sexual need to top, no sexual curiosity to top, and I could never actually stay erect when put into that type of situation. I don't find it gross, as I LOVE rimming my BF, But I'm with a total top because that's what we both want in each other. He's a top, and only a top, I'm a bottom and only a bottom. None of that versatile crap. I honestly wouldn't want a versatile guy as a partner, ever.

As for the OP, the only thing I could suggest is maybe having your BF work you over with your toy, maybe having him doing it would be better? I personally find dildo's gross, but maybe if you both can get into it he won't have to do something he considers disgusting with his pecker.

Right. Your post totally convinced me that selfishness has nothing to do with it.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm a top but I want to be versatile. I have a very broad taste in guys, and some types I like are generally tops, so I want to learn to enjoy both. I am fully aware that one of the two usually works better for a person than the other, but in the end we're both capable of an erection, and considering sex is 80% in your head, I feel like when you are with someone you really care about, the situation can be comfortable enough for you to try and do this thing for him.

For the record, I'm currently seeing someone who's also a top, and our sex life is completely versatile. We don't plan for it, it just comes naturally, depending on how we feel that particular night/morning.

So all you ultra-bottoms can get over yourselves a little bit because honestly, if I can learn to take a thick 7.5er when I was a total top, then you should be able to keep your dick up for the guy you supposedly love...

 

[Rolyo85]

Pressuring should not be a factor, or "forcing" if there is communication with any degree of maturity though... How are you "forcing" yourself if you just do it to make him happy? And trust me, bottoming is anything but a "passive" activity for a top. Honestly, it's so much work!

 

[Rolyo85]

It's the "hating" it part that weirds me out. What happens when you fall seriously in love with another guy who prefers bottoming? Are you both just gonna refuse to work on it because that's what "works" for you?

 

[Rolyo85]

To each their own. Still, I'd do everything I can to make stuff happen before getting indignant. Also, I'm not saying you're not legit, but I tend to believe most guys aren't THAT extreme about it. In the end, sex is sex. It's all good haha.

 

[hotatlboi]

What ever happen to PLEASING your partner? It used to be that was one of the things couples did. Perhaps that means that every now and again a bottom should top and vice-versa or at least artfully use a dildo. It's called being selfless and, frankly, it's a great part of being in love.

Seriously, this.

I've bottomed like 98% of the time I've ever had sex, but recently I started dating a guy who prefers to bottom, so I top him.

I think a relationship has much less chance to succeed if you have these rigid rules about what one will not do for their partner.

 

[hotatlboi]

Firstly, is there that big a shortage of tops that bottoms need to date other bottoms these days? I'd never date a bottom, being a bottom. Especially after the first or second conversation when it comes out that we're both bottoms.

I guess my comment could better have been rephrased as saying I don't get why so many people just choose one or the other. I think more people would enjoy both if they were open to it.

I have mostly done bottom before, but I don't mind topping.

I guess if it really only works for someone one way, I could see what you are saying.

If I'm with a guy long term, I'm sure I'll want to bottom and have him top me too.

Plus, if you love the person you shouldn't be trying to get them to do something they don't want using the "if you love me you'll change this" crap in teh first place.

Agree completely there. That blackmail crap is complete nonsense. I was referring to offering to do things that please your partner because you want to make them happy, which I'm pretty sure is what bullwing was referring to also.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, the indignant indignation is very indignant, but completely misses the point. You are a male who is attracted to other males. To be grossed out by topping or hating it, or any other strong word like that honestly speaks of mental issues, and I'm sorry if this offends people on here, but it is what I think.

And again - a romantic relationship is NOT a business relationship. You don't set initial rules, sign a contract and be done with it forever. Things change over time, people change, needs change. Being flexible is crucial to not being forever alone, and being able to occasionally do stuff for your partner that would not be your first choice of activity is part of being flexible.

And the question should not be "Why should you do something you hate?", but rather "Why would you hate something like that?"

 

[Rolyo85]

The issue is not that you don't like it. The issue is that you don't think it's something that can be enjoyed. Sounding is a fetish, a kink, whatever. Topping is not. It is one of the two natural ways to have anal sex with your partner. To compare the two is unfair.

So my question is, would you rather let this define your relationship, or would you try and address the issue of why you're so repulsed by it.

Because when a top is horrified of bottoming, it is always cultural, and therefore always possible to overcome if one recognizes it is an issue that needs to be overcome. And honestly, barriers like that always are. Are you trying to tell me it is completely different for bottoms?

 

[Rolyo85]

Well yeah. Cause it seems to me I'm speaking from experience, and you're trying to make it about principles somehow. I was originally a top. Still am, mostly. Then I got into a thing with another top. I care about him a lot (that's why I said its not a business relationship - you can't always just "decide" who you're or aren't going to date), AND he was willing to bottom for me, so I wanted to do the same for him. I didn't try it once and decide it "doesn't work for me". I EXPECTED it not to work for me the first time. So I just kept at it until I learned to enjoy it. Now I can say that I am not half bad at it and some times actually need it. But of course you can't get there if you try once or twice with the preconception of how much you're gonna hate it. Sex is mainly in your head after all

 

[bankside]

Actually Lucky, it seems to me that for something which hits many people in the very core of their sexuality, we're putting a lot of good issues on the table from both sides with a fair amount of restraint and respect. It is an emotional issue.

I agree with Rolyo pretty much word for word, and you (Lucky) and I tend to agree completely or disagree completely and in this case we agree.

I also accept Huntneo, that if someone is up front about being a top or a bottom it is unfair for his partner to assume they will change that just because of a desire to try something different.

What I will say is, though my guy can't expect me to change on his whim, I volunteer to try out that kind of change. I volunteer to try things I would never have thought would turn me on, as long as it's physically safe to do so. I volunteer to have him take me places I would never have thought to go or wanted to go in a million years. As long as he's patient and helps me find my way there.

I think that kind of flexibility is a strength of my relationship and I agree that it would probably strengthen most relationships.

 

[Treborf]

Double-sided Dildo FTW!