I need Help

[BigBoss]

Well dont know what to do..After being two years into relationship with a guy who was never physically my type but i was madly in love with him,,,everything was so perfect,,for him i left my Gay Friend's circle.,.then he demanded that i should change myself physically,,right from hair style to my attitude,,(From Jolly to serious Guy),i let him top me after a long struggle,,as it was my first time that some one topped me,,anyhow for a guy like me who would just stick with someone for a month, his love made me to stick with him for two years,,,we usually had arguments over little things,, Financially he was strong as he was in his Mid 30s and i am 23 and still studying..but i never was dependent on him,,any ways ,, i fought with my mom as she didnt like me to meet him (I am not oUt yet) cuz of age difference..then i even couldnt find time for my straight friends,,He hated when i played Video Games infront of him,..HE wanted me to have spontaneous sex..

I did everything he asked and he did the same for me,,,But few days back i went into Financial Crisis ,,, I just informed him about situation and didnt ask for help...but his Reply was "I am not responsible"...

Those words were very cold...he wasn't worried about me...strange he didnt offer me to borrow money from him...instead he said that i been acting strange lately..

U guys tell me,,how should i not act strange when i have crisis between my parents and tight Audit Schedule at office,,plus studies plus doing cooking, washing,cleaning at home( as i live alone..he lives 3 hrs drive away from me,,,so he visits me at weekends.)

My weekdays were devoted to work and pets and weekends to him,,,We had fought before but again we patched up..

This time over the phone i was harsh with him as i was stressed out cuz of my problems and he was staying in hotel,,i got pissed off cuz he could spent money on such luxuries but not to help...i was the one who motivated him to get a better job,,

This time my guts feeling tells me that its over,,But without friends to help me getting over him i feel like all alone in this huge city,,cant even date as i am still depressed...

Tell me how to get over him plz

 

[jft245]

You can't just "get over him" but from the sound of your situtation you need to get away from him. It sounds like a one sided relationship, you do everything for him yet he really does nothing for you. Realize for your own good that this is not the right relationship for you. Force yourself not to see him agin and get on with your life. It won't be easy but it has to be done.

 

[alijay]

jft is right, theres really no good way to get over someone. It takes a while sometimes, maybe even a year. Thinking about it will be depressing, i still get upset about one of my exs that i had to break up with. Its just the nature of things, just learn from it. Never be afraid of doing the right thing for yourself. Relationships are two way streets, it doesnt seem like he cared enough to be with you, asking you to change who you are. Relationships arent about change. They are about compromise.

 

[VICTORIADON]

You unfortuately wound up with an uncaring bastard. Every time you start feeling depressed about him, go back and read your post about him...he isn't worth your time of day.

Get hold of your old "straight" and "gay" friends and see how they have been doing and see if they would like to go out for coffee etc. Patch things up with your folks.

Your true friends will welcome you back into the fold.

PS: I have found that long distance relationships can be difficult.

 

[rareboy]

Just re-read your post.

That would help me get over him real fast.

I agree. It is over. I suspect that in reality, it really never 'was'.

You'll do much better with your next bf.

 

[BigBoss]

Well thanks...I just received his call and your reply made me to face him..i talked very openly with him,,though i cried but i told him that its better that we stay away from each other to be happy again,,,he cried too,,he sounded like he wanted us to be together but i resisted..for the last time we discussed our golden memories and cried together,..he was not a bad person,,we both contributed to add problems for each other,,
Well i have promised to myself that in few days i will start patching up with my friends,,i am determined to live a normal life again,,, i am also determined that i wont fall in love again,,as i cant love someone like i loved my bf and no one else cant love me the way he did,,,

A free spirit.. I used to call myself b4 meeting him now i guess i am free again ,,i will make sure not to get trapped again,,,

Guys Wish me luck..
Thanks to all of you

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>i am also determined that i wont fall in love again,,as i cant love someone like i loved my bf...

I for one hope that you don't fall in love either. Least ways, not like you did before. Being in love isn't about altering your entire personality to fit their notions of what you should be like. Yes, being in love can mean compromises, but not down to the very fiber of your being. True love means acceptance of who you are, not who someone wants you to be.

>>>Guys Wish me luck..

I don't wish you luck.
I wish you fortitude to stay away from this guy.
And I wish you love. The real unselfish kind.

Lex

 

[BigBoss]

Now i really need some help

Well guys i was so over him after ur advice but he came back in my life,,i gave him a chance to change,,,but things started to get worse,,,for little time he did change a bit but last week he did what i think is his nature,,

see it was 11 pm and the ATM machine was far from where i live,,i asked him to lend me some money to buy cat food for my cats as i was running short of cash,,i told him i would return him in the morning after i draw cash from machine,,, he started to give lame excuses first but i knew he had cash,,he is earning more than an average person...so i told him that i will lend it from someone else,,,but he started fighting with me over the lending issue,,,he accused me of being demanding and materialistic,,
at that moment i went outside quietly and msged him on his cell that its over and he needs to leave by morning,,so he did,,

After one week, today, i msged him that i had date a guy and had sex with him (Which infact i did not)..i said so just to make him not to call me or try to meet me again,,,

He tried to call me but i didnt receive his call..then he msged him that If i dont let him be with me again ,,he would kill himself and would leave a suicide note, holding me responsible for his death,,

Guys i dont know what to do,,i dont want him back,,,

 

[KaraBulut]

After one week, today, i msged him that i had date a guy and had sex with him (Which infact i did not)..i said so just to make him not to call me or try to meet me again,,,

He tried to call me but i didnt receive his call..then he msged him that If i dont let him be with me again ,,he would kill himself and would leave a suicide note, holding me responsible for his death,,

You're playing games. The term for what you are doing is "passive-aggressive".

The term for what he is doing is called "attention-seeking behavior".

People who don't want to be together don't message their exes with gory details about their sex life (even if they are making it up). People who want to end a relationship grieve for the loss and then life goes on for everyone.


Guys i dont know what to do,,i dont want him back,,,

Change your phone number, stop playing games and get on with your life

 

[G-Lexington]

Cut the games, the bullshit, and the lies. E-mail him, tell him it's over, you don't want to see him again, and if he's really suicidal, to go seek help. But from someone else, not you. Change your number, block his e-mail address, and start getting your life back. And you might actually benefit from a bit of therapy yourself.

Lex

 

[silentalk]

Look... If you think he's really serious about this suicide thing then maybe it's best to to call him and talk. Don't talk about the relationship, or anything very personal. Just let him feel that you're around. It should make him feel better. But you have to be very careful not to lead him to a false belief that you want him back.

And if you really don't feel that you want him, just walk away from him very slowly. Don't let him feel that you're letting go of him. You can start by seeing him twice a week, then once a week... twice a month... once a month ... until he feels that you're not playing a big part of his life.

Good luck!

 

[StlKj]

Re: Now i really need some help

He tried to call me but i didnt receive his call..then he msged him that If i dont let him be with me again ,,he would kill himself and would leave a suicide note, holding me responsible for his death,,

Guys i dont know what to do,,i dont want him back,,,

That is called emotional blackmail. He's a manipulative person and has been from the start. You've give yourself up completely to someone and cut yourself off from your support network. You've also been passive-aggressive (as Kara-Bulut indicated) and kept the relationship going when you know it should end.

Rareboy says you'll do better next time. Your continued playing with fire suggest to me not only will you do better next time if you're not careful, but you'll probably find the same kind of guy--or worse.

You need to seriously consider how much of yourself you're willing to give up again, or you'll be on here in a few months with a similar situation.

Oh, and this guy? Like the others said, quit it.

 

[TygreBryte]

It's emotional blackmail, and adults don't do that.

 

[StlKj]

Re: Now i really need some help

That is called emotional blackmail. He's a manipulative person and has been from the start. You've given yourself up completely to someone and cut yourself off from your support network. You've also been passive-aggressive (as Kara-Bulut indicated) and kept the relationship going when you know it should end.

Rareboy says you'll do better next time. Your continued playing with fire suggests to me not only will you not do better next time if you're not careful, but you'll probably find the same kind of guy--or worse.

You need to seriously consider how much of yourself you're willing to give up again, or you'll be on here in a few months with a similar situation.

Oh, and this guy? Like the others said, quit it.

Good grief, I must have been tired last night when I wrote this. Reposted with some corrections made to make more sense.

 

[BigBoss]

he did try to comit sucide,,,today i received call from hospital,,went to see him there,,,rat poison they said,,
He was unconscious when i visited,,i totally blame myself for that,,
He loves me more than i thought but see loving someone and expressing ur love are different things,, honestly i am tired of this drama,,,i wish somehow i escape from all this without hurting anyone,,,
I even dated a guy yesterday and i found out world is all about sex,,right now i am writing this while being totally shattered by the events that went by,,i am 23 and life is already hard on me,,as silentalk said i need to leave him in stages,,,a single blow is hard for him to take,,
Honestly i love him but his actions are too disturbing for me to handle,,
He is in his thirties and his acts of taking his own life is childish,,
I am confused what to say ,,,just venting out here,,,
He is fine now by the way,,

 

[StlKj]

Why would the hospital call you? Did he tell them to call you? He took rat poison?? Something just doesn't add up here, but I'll take you at your word.

Stay away from this guy. He needs to deal with this being over. You need to let him. Don't talk to him. Don't take his notes. Don't go visit him. Leave it alone. Every kindness you show him now he will be trying to use to get back together. If you keep in contact with him, not only are you playing into his warped manipulations, but you're also keeping hope alive for him when you know there is none. It's more cruel to give him hope than it is to cut him off completely.

You're not the reason he did this--his own emotional/mental state is. If you keep up this sick game of a relationship after this though, you do so knowing that if he does it the next time, you'll have played a significant role in it.

 

[G-Lexington]

This is going to be hard to hear, but now, more than ever, you need to walk away from him.

He's obviously got some major problems. Problems that you are not the cause of. Problems that you are incapable of helping with. Continuing contact with him will not aid in his recovery, despite what he may think or say. Staying with him will just chain you to this guy's problems. You're apparently more of a drug to him than anything, and you need to make sure he gets himself completely clean of it.

He's in the right hands now. Let him take it from there.

Lex

 

[silentalk]

Ok... you can deal with this in one of three ways:

1) Ignore him and let him deal with this all by himself. In most cases, people who just survived suicide would be the people most willing to fight for their lives. Strange, I know. But it's because they've seen death, so they'd want to be far from it. But in his case, this might be different. I can almost guarantee that he'll live a life where he'll think death would be easier for him and might try to kill himself again a year or so from now, and that's whether you're a part of his life or not. This, of course, won't happen if he fell in love with another person. But if he didn't, there's a strong probability that he'll think that since you loved him and left him anyway, it'll be easy for others to leave him if they didn't love him. Your sudden disappearance from his life might trigger many mental or even physical illnesses. If this happens, he'll regret being born. Now you have to ask your self if you can bear to see this happen to him. If I were in love with a person, I wouldn't, even if the relationship is over. I know that most people will be able to live with making this choice because the world is leaning towards being more selfish and less caring. I would never make this choice though.

2) You can stay by him and leave him in stages, just like I mentioned before. This will also help him take the decision of leaving you, since he can see you walk away slowly. It always feels better to think that you two just drifted apart rather than one leaving the other. This will cause minimal damage. You might feel some pressure at certain times while you're with him, yes, but at least nothing really bad will happen.

3) I know you want to leave him, but I'm mentioning this just in case. If you really love him, you can try and teach him how to change his attitude. If he really loves you, he'll be willing to learn from you. You said that "loving someone and expressing ur love are different things" and I agree 100%. It seems that he doesn't realize that. You can help him, but it might take some time for him to learn how to express his love. Love is all about compromise. No one is perfect. The difficult part is that you need to know a bit of psychology for this third choice to work, so I won't give much more detail on this. But it's close to re-programming his way of thinking.

I respect others' responses, especially Lex, but I have to say I disagree, unless you have no problem with maximizing his pain. But know this: leaving him suddenly might be the solution for you, but never, never ever, for him. It's not like a drug, it's much worse. The wound will never completely heal. If once upon a time this guy was important to you, do not leave him in one go.

 

[StlKj]

Respectfully, silentalk, I disagree. Having worked with both suicidal individuals and manipulative personalities over the years, I believe this relationship needs to end for both their sakes. BigBoss is not dealing with someone who has always been loving and selfless--he's dealing with someone who demanded he change himself and tried to control him.

The details of this suicide attempt are vague at this point--how much rat poison did he take? How was he discovered? Why did the hospital call BigBoss since he's not family? We don't know the answers to this, so at this point it's just speculation, but my suspicions are that this attempt might have been more manipulation on his part.

Regardless of this, the partner has definite emotional and control issues. By hanging around, BigBoss is going to create in him a sense that there is hope for the relationship, when BigBoss has indicated there is none. You said that he needs time to heal, so the relationship should break off in stages, but in fact a wound cannot heal if it continues to be exposed to infection. This wound will not heal as long as BigBoss continues to be around to pick at it.

Pretty much any mental health professional I've known/worked with over the years would counsel the partner to move on and have no further contact with BigBoss. This relationship has not been healthy for some time, and pretending it is or that it can be is only going to cause both of them more pain than it already has.

 

[KaraBulut]

Both Lex and Killjoke are dead-on with the their advise.

Please listen to them.