I really screwed up and I'll regret this forever. Now what?

[joel76]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and I'm in a pretty big problem... I guess I'm hoping for some thoughts, advise, suggestions, whatever.

I'm 19 and a sophomore in college. My boyfriend is older than me and we've been together for 18 months now. I moved to campus yesterday and for the first time in my life, did something that I'll regret forever.

My boyfriend really is the best guy in the world... he's my first and I guess I got really lucky because it really can't get any better. He's been there from the start and was there when I first started school. He helped me through a lot of stuff... I was an emotional wreck when I was at home. Not happy, over-protected, and closeted. I'm still not completely out (just to a few close friends) but he's helped me through a lot of issues and major problems I've had; from entering college to problems at home.

I really do love him with all my heart and I can't ask for anyone better--there is no one better. And I intend on spending the rest of my life with him... or I hope.

Last night I let my hormones get the best of me and I cheated on him. I've never done this before and honestly had no plans or intentions on doing so. I met this guy when I got to school last night and one thing led to another and I ended up doing something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I couldn't lie to my boyfriend... I just love him too much. This morning when he woke up, I called him and told him what happened last night. I let him know that I loved him with everything I have and that I'm so sorry for what I did. It's like I wasn't thinking last night and didn't realize what I did until this morning. When I told him, he said, "It hurts, doesn't it." I told him it does, so bad. He said we can't have sex for another six months until I got tested and I told him I'll do anything and that I just didn't want to lose him. The phone call was pretty much over after that. He said he had a lot on his mind and that he was gonna go so we hung up.

I texted him earlier tonight and asked him if he was okay; he didn't reply. I could only imagine how much he's hurting. I never wanted to hurt him and no matter what, I'm gonna love him more than anything for the rest of my life. He was my first and I don't regret any part of our relationship at all.

I just don't know what to do. I hate myself for what I did. I don't want to lose him but I just don't know what's happening now. This is the worst thing I've done and I take full responsibility.

Sorry for the long post but this is the worst time of my life. I met the perfect guy and I may have just ruined everything. What now?

 

[Fucker29]

Well, it's a good thing you were honest with him and told him immediately what happened. Not everyone does that and I think he'll take that into consideration.
However, when a bond of trust is broken it's hard to mend afterwards...it takes a LONG time to regain the other person's trust.

But you were indeed honest. You made a mistake and you took responsability and didn't cop-out.

 

[altlover85]

Unfortunately for you the ball is in his court. I still really don't understand why you cheated? Can you explain that to us? Generally things don't "just happen" and we have a reason for our actions.

Were you two exclusive? Had you talked about exclusivity? How old is the guy?

 

[MoltenRock III]

So you cheated on your boyfriend your very first night away at university? My, didn't waste any time, did you? (I'm trying to give you what I would think if I was dating you, as a possible insight into his mindset.)

Additionally, your cheating on him was your guilt and yours alone. You felt terrible and wanted the pain to go away by seeking confession and absolution. Rarely does it work that way. I'm of the mindset that you live with your own hurt and guilt, and not try to offload it onto someone else. (Maybe that's just me.)

If this was your first day away at university, I'm thinking your relationship may be over. Sorry.

 

[hylas]

sounds like you did everything right in the aftermath. so now you wait and let him make the next move. youll just have to live with whatever the consequences of your behaviour turn out to be.

but yeah, why did you cheat on him in the first place? "it just happened" is not good enough. there is nothing wrong with wanting to explore, you know. maybe monogamy is not what you want right now? your actions certainly say so. wether your bf is up for that is of course a different question.

 

[texan_slant]

We reap what we sow; the ball is in his court, and only time will tell.
All I can say is - why didn't you feel guilty while you were doing the nasty?

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

It's like I wasn't thinking last night and didn't realize what I did until this morning. When I told him, he said, "It hurts, doesn't it." I told him it does, so bad. He said we can't have sex for another six months until I got tested and I told him I'll do anything and that I just didn't want to lose him. The phone call was pretty much over after that. He said he had a lot on his mind and that he was gonna go so we hung up.

Use a condom.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, there are always reasons for what we do. So what are they. You didn't trip over a rock and end up with a cock up your ass. You intended to have sex with the other guy, or you wouldn't have done it. You made a choice. Then you made a choice to tell your boyfriend.

You just loved him so much you just had to tell him, but you didn't love him so much you abstained from cheating in the first place.

Mixed message there.

Either you aren't as committed as you think you are, or you wanted to find out what else is out there, or both, or you could be trying to get out of your relationship. Or any number of other things.

Why did you do this?

Possibly because you are just out and don't want to be tied down? That's really common.

I would never ask a guy who just came out for a commitment. Guys who are just out generally are going to want to experiment.

 

[joel76]

why did you cheat on him in the first place?

These are harsh but I guess I deserve it and worst. Like I said, when I cheated, I let my hormones take control. It was a selfish act. If this experience had taught be anything, it's that I never want to hurt another human being like this again and that I love my boyfriend more than anything I've ever or ever will love again.

And yes, use a condom.

It was used.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, but you know, unless you have a clinical problem, you can indeed stop yourself from fucking a guy not your boyfriend. The concept that men are slavering cave men unable to deal with their cocks is just tired.

Saying you just couldn't help yourself is a nicely traditional rationale for cheating, but it's largely bullshit.

You're nineteen, you don't know much about anything yet, you definitely don't know much about gay men and relationships, and you got into a situation where your commitment WAS NOT strong enough to stop you from fucking another guy.

Thems the facts.

So why didn't you control yourself? Why didn't you walk when you figured out where the situation was going? Why?

Look, I'm not trying to guilt trip you. You're young, so you get some slack.

But OBVIOUSLY you aren't as committed as you're pretending you are, or this wouldn't have happened.

You made a choice, now you have to live with the consequences of that. That's what growing up is about.

Now figure out why you made that choice, and pull something useful out of this mess.

 

[altlover85]

Like I said, when I cheated, I let my hormones take control. It was a selfish act.

If this experience had taught be anything, it's that I never want to hurt another human being like this again and that I love my boyfriend more than anything I've ever or ever will love again.

There's something your not getting from your relationship or you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

I also found it doubtful that you will love him more than anything you have ever or ever will love again. You don't have nearly enough experience to know that for sure.

 

[lilman]

There are allot of people on here that will act high and mighty about this, as if none of them will ever or have never cheated... the sad thing about the whole gay scene today is that there aren't many men willing to commit to a monogamous relationship.

shit happens and emotions, curiosity, and hormones will and can ruin many good things in life.. There is a huge difference between having a one night stand and having sex with someone you truly love. I hope, if anything you learned that much..

If you are truly meant to be with this guy it will all work out in the end you just have to be patient and realize there is more to a relationship than sex

 

[KaraBulut]

What is done is done.

And unfortunately, instead of dealing with your own issue, you've made it an issue for you and your boyfriend.

The only thing that can be done now is to figure out why you did what you did and learn from it.

 

[altlover85]

There are allot of people on here that will act high and mighty about this, as if none of them will ever or have never cheated... the sad thing about the whole gay scene today is that there aren't many men willing to commit to a monogamous relationship.

shit happens and emotions, curiosity, and hormones will and can ruin many good things in life.. There is a huge difference between having a one night stand and having sex with someone you truly love. I hope, if anything you learned that much..

If you are truly meant to be with this guy it will all work out in the end you just have to be patient and realize there is more to a relationship than sex

I don't mind someone not being able to be monogamous if that's something that he brings to my attention and we try and work on it. Perhaps we could find a compromise, I don't know for sure. But to just cheat without talking and during your very first night on campus seems to scream not ready to commit.

Being not ready to commit is okay, but if that's where you are as a person, don't waste the other person's time.

I'm assuming they talked about being committed. I'm not sure if the OP every actually told us.

 

[joel76]

There are allot of people on here that will act high and mighty about this, as if none of them will ever or have never cheated... the sad thing about the whole gay scene today is that there aren't many men willing to commit to a monogamous relationship.

shit happens and emotions, curiosity, and hormones will and can ruin many good things in life.. There is a huge difference between having a one night stand and having sex with someone you truly love. I hope, if anything you learned that much..

If you are truly meant to be with this guy it will all work out in the end you just have to be patient and realize there is more to a relationship than sex

I made a mistake and used horrible judgment. All I know is I love him and I want to be his alone. All this was was a one night stand; there was nothing attached to it. I was selfish and I'll never be able to forgive myself for what happened.

I really hope we can work things out. I'm in love with HIM and him alone. Whatever happens, I'm never doing this again.

 

[altlover85]

joel76, you have no interest in really understanding why you did this? If you don't figure out why you did this, you could be at risk for doing it again.

 

[lilman]

yea i've been there before, don't be afraid to let yourself LOVE... sometimes in life you only get one chance, one true love. Whether or not it works out between you two or not, you gave it a chance.. yes you fucked up.. and as the house of GAGA put it trust is like a mirror once its broken you can still see the cracks.. Your boyfriend will always have doubt about you being faithful..

the only thing you can do is be faithful throughout the remainder of your relationship and be patient with his feelings. i personally don't think you are too young to fall in love and live the rest of you life with someone you love. In my opinion there is nothing sweeter than growing up together emotionally and physically with someone you truly care for.. If not now, when? at 60? 70?

 

[joel76]

joel76, you have no interest in really understanding why you did this? If you don't figure out why you did this, you could be at risk for doing it again.

Our relationships had its issues and we were able to work them out for the most part. I'll try my best to better understand why I did what I did.

Please understand that I'm learning a lot and no one knows how sorry I am for what I did. I didn't get caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I've never held a secret from my boyfriend before and this is no exception.

I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to regain his love, trust, and to fix whatever issues we've had/have in our relationship.

I'm not a bad person and I try my best to not be dishonorable. I messed up and I want to make things right. Instead of just giving up on us because of what I did, I want to fix it. I love him. Period.

I'll take everyone's responses for what it is, learn from my mistake, and come out a better person afterward because of it. I'm not just another gay boy who just wants to play or doesn't know what he wants. I've invested all I have into this relationship and I won't let it go down without trying to put the pieces back together. And if it doesn't work, well at least I tried.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them both good and bad. It'd be nice if some of you can see it from my perspective but that's not what's important. What's important is fixing what I ruined with the man I love.

lilman, I'm doing just that. Thank you. =*[

 

[altlover85]

What were/are the issues in your relationship? Are there any that are unresolved? How is the sex?

I think your honesty with him in this situation is commendable and it's a great trait to have (and keep) no matter what happens.

 

[altlover85]

He's in love bw.