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I think I am going with my gut but...

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biguy562

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Hello,

I need some advice. My ex boyfriend has asked me to come up to his house to a housewarming/Christmas get together this Saturday. He cheated on me with a guy and they are still together, living together, and engaged. My ex has asked me two times to come. I have not seen him since September. We broke up in August. He said he stil wants to be friends. Also, this Friday will be one year since we met.

I am for the most part over him, however sometimes I do think about him and miss him. I feel like, with it being so close to the time when we first met, going to his house will be emotional for me and especially with the dude he cheated on me with. If he would not have cheated on me, I feel like I could work better at being friends and hanging out more often.

What would you do in this situation? My gut feeling and what I think would be best for me is to not go.
 
What would I do in this situation? I would say no thanks because if he really cared about me even as just a friend then he would never have cheated on me. Anyone who cheats seems like a very untrustworthy friend.

Now take that with a grain of salt because this is your life and you need to do what is right for you. Make sure what you choose is truly what you want and that you are not doing it because you feel you should or you have to.
 
FirePhoenix said:
What would I do in this situation? I would say no thanks because if he really cared about me even as just a friend then he would never have cheated on me. Anyone who cheats seems like a very untrustworthy friend.

Now take that with a grain of salt because this is your life and you need to do what is right for you. Make sure what you choose is truly what you want and that you are not doing it because you feel you should or you have to.
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biguy562 said:
Hello,

I need some advice. My ex boyfriend has asked me to come up to his house to a housewarming/Christmas get together this Saturday. He cheated on me with a guy and they are still together, living together, and engaged. My ex has asked me two times to come. I have not seen him since September. We broke up in August. He said he stil wants to be friends. Also, this Friday will be one year since we met.

I am for the most part over him, however sometimes I do think about him and miss him. I feel like, with it being so close to the time when we first met, going to his house will be emotional for me and especially with the dude he cheated on me with. If he would not have cheated on me, I feel like I could work better at being friends and hanging out more often.

What would you do in this situation? My gut feeling and what I think would be best for me is to not go.
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I agree with this advice here i too believe you have to do what is right for you BUT as for me i wouldn't want to be around him at all . He's already proven to be disloyal and i wouldn't give him an oppurtunity to inflict further pain upon me by showing off his new boyfriend how daring of him to even expect you to come.
 
If you want this individual in your life as a friend just tell him that you simply need some more time to yourself to get over matters, but explain that in the future you would like to have a friendship

That being said I've been cheated on before and i don't think I could be friends with them.
 
I wouldn't go. As far as being friends, I'd only consider it if I also were in a relationship. I don't understand his thinking here. I imagine his new bf would be about as thrilled to see you as you would be to see him.
 
I agree with all the other posts they have all giving you some great advice though as one post said we can only offer our thoughts you are the one that matters.
I personaly am thinking what is going through this guys mind ?
I think you would just be miserable and to see him with his new lover on the virtual anniversry of your break up.
Buddy you are worth more than that (*8*)
 
If you feel that your ex is a "NOT" a "Essential Friend" or a "Important Asset" in life then there's need to go.

Go with your gut feeling, it should always overpower something that is not relevent to yout life.
 
biguy562 said:
He cheated on me with a guy and they are still together, living together, and engaged.... What would you do in this situation? My gut feeling and what I think would be best for me is to not go.
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Under normal circumstances, it is healthy to have friendships with at ex if things ended on good terms.

This really isn't one of those situations. As you've related the story, he cheated, he lives with the person he cheated with, he wants you to visit the home where he lives with the person he cheated with and he wants to be friends now that he's cheated and moved on.

No. Not a good situation and not the kinds of friends that you need.

Decline the invitation graciously and if he persists just tell him, "I'm sorry. I don't want to revisit all of that stuff in the past, I've moved on and I just think it's better that we don't try to pretend to be friends."



biguy562 said:
I do think about him and miss him.
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But always keep in mind that you miss the relationship because it's gone... and it's gone because your ex ended it with his infidelity.

It's fine to remember the good times. But don't let it hold you back from making new good memories with someone else.
 
Agree with all of the above ^^^^ and esp w/ your gut feeling.

A few years ago I was in a similar situation. And I made the mistake of going to the party. I think my thinking was to show them that I was completely over it and their relationship didn't matter me and I couldn't care less. I was single, as are you, so I took a gal pal with me for support. Of course I was not over him, at all, as the liquor flowed all the hostility around the break-up and cheating started boiling up. I had to lock myself in the bathroom and do some deep breathing to calm myself down. The new BF was giving me the hairy eyeball. Luckily my girl friend got me outta there before things go really ugly. In my ex's defense, I don't think the invite was malicious, he's just one of those guys who needs things to be nice and pleasant all the time and having an angry ex out there ruined(s) his world-view.

Trust your gut on this one.
-c
 
Go with your gut.

He broke the one thing that is critical in any relationship, whether it be as partners or friends, and that is your trust.

So, why be friends? Is he one you could talk to if the chips were down? Could you hang around with him and his boyfriend without feeling a bit kind of weird about the whole thing?

This would be a big fat NO for me.
 
What makes you think that someone who would break your trust in love would be trustworthy in friendship?
 
Thank you all for the advice! I told him I wasn't going to be able to go. I feel like that would be best for me.

You know though, my ex told me the other week that his boyfriend, whom he cheated on me with, wants to meet me!

I find that weird haha!
 
I know! haha! The guy he left me for was in an "open" relationship with the mother of his 3 year old son...I could not believe it haha!
 
Great. A double home-wrecker. His kid will have lots to talk about in therapy some day. :)
 
Under no friggin way would I go.. this kind of pain does not go away that fast and if he was already to move on and now engaged that fast..... honey ... I aint goin.


I would send a card/call/mssg/text what ever: saying that's but you have other plans. Cus aleast you come out looking like a man holding his head high and being strong for himself- not for anyone else.. You'll be/are the better man if you just let it go.......and him ......
 
I wouldn't just decline the invite, I would have changed my phone number by now.

Basically, I don't get "breaking up on good terms." It's like saying "I carefully smashed the china plate against the brick wall" or "I gently shot the tin can off the fencepost." If a relationship ends, it's done. It doesn't need to be converted into some kind of undead zombie relationship, the spark not quite alive and not quite dead.

I don't suppose that applies to a brief fling where people recognize they are truly better off as friends. But if both people ever get to the point where they feel they're sharing a loving relationship, that's it. If it doesn't work out, it's a done deal. Just let it go and move on.

Anyway, breaking up on good terms makes no sense to me, but even if it makes sense to you, this was not "good terms." Tell him to have a nice day and you're just not interested.
 
It seems like something of a dick move (on your ex's part) to cheat on you with somebody, then invite you over to see him with the guy he cheated on you with. I can only imagine this being a painful experience for you, and certainly not one that you'll ever need.
 
Racer- You right, the the pain doesn't go away easily. He was my first boyfriend/first sexual experience as well so it hurts all the more worse. I have more pride in myself than to "hang on." You know though one thing I keep going back to and think what kind of a low down selfish person he really is....he was going on a cruise with his new guy and his family. The last time I saw him in September I told him I hope he had a great time on the trip, I loved him, and I kissed him on the cheek...you know what he did/said...NOTHING! All he said was ok. That was the last thing I said to him in person.

BearWear-ohh they got engaged ONE month after we broke up. My ex said he's the one and feels like he came be on top of the world when he's around him yada yada. They both "came out" of the closet too.

bankside- I feel like if he would not have cheated on me then I would be more willing to work on a friendship than I am now.

By the way, he did not cheat, but he did this a couple times before with his first girlfriend and his boyfriend before me...his "feelings" changed for both of them.
 
biguy562 said:
Racer- You right, the the pain doesn't go away easily. He was my first boyfriend/first sexual experience as well so it hurts all the more worse. I have more pride in myself than to "hang on." You know though one thing I keep going back to and think what kind of a low down selfish person he really is....he was going on a cruise with his new guy and his family. The last time I saw him in September I told him I hope he had a great time on the trip, I loved him, and I kissed him on the cheek...you know what he did/said...NOTHING! All he said was ok. That was the last thing I said to him in person.
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Pain exists for a reason. It's no fun but it tells us something is wrong, whether it's with the hot stove that you touch with your hand or whether it's with bad relationships. Pain's a great teacher of life's little lessons.

Hopefully, this will be a lesson that you deserve better. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you deserve better. Then skip the party and go have a nice dinner with your real friends.
 
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