I Think I'm About Done...

[The_Reaper]

Is it just me, or is it practically impossible to even find and create human connections these days?


I'm going into full rant mode here people, so you've been warned if you want to bugger off to another thread rather than hear my ramblings.


I've been making slow progress, and I MEAN slow progress in my gay life. I've been to the gay bar, and hated it there. It's not my kind of place, and definatly not populated with my kind of people.

So, from there I took another step: Going to the campus LGTB Centre. A nice place, with some nice people...But again I feel as though I haven't made any connections with the people there.

It feels like a clique, and right now I'm outside of it. I've talked more to the lesbians than I have to the other gay guys...

The thing is, I'm a very inward person. I have a lot of self-confidence problems, caused by a great many things that I will not get into here...

But, there's always thoughts running in my mind:

"No Scott, he's out of your league. Don't strike up a conversation unless he does, cause otherwise you become one of those stories he tells about this strange fellow who started talking to him."

And so forth.

I'm not comfortable starting the conversation, I much prefer to have the conversation started then try to start one. Get the ball rolling, and I'll start talking.

The thing is, as mentioned above, I haven't really met anyone at the LGTB Centre...And if that doesn't change, I don't know exactly what else to do.

I'm not the kind of person who "screams gay" when you look at him. So, it's doubtful that someone would approach me without knowing before hand. And seeing as I have no interest in returning to the bar....

You can see where I'm headed with this....Basically, for someone like myself, the Centre would be the last place to find and make some kind of gay connection with other people my age....And if that doesn't pan out...Where the hell else is there for me to go?


Perhaps the best plan is to just meld into the couch and end the rest of my days there...

I know, I'm young....Just means I have more time for sitting.

 

[me12121]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went to my campus GLBT Centre as well and ended up feeling the same way. Mine felt like a clique too and like you, I'm not comfortable talking to people first. So after a few weeks of going there, feeling completely uncomfortable with no one to talk to, I stopped going. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do now. I've just been ignoring it and burying myself in work, or just watching tv to distract myself. So I don't have any advice, but I feel like I'm in the same position as you .

 

[tonyboy]

Is it just me, or is it practically impossible to even find and create human connections these days?


I'm going into full rant mode here people, so you've been warned if you want to bugger off to another thread rather than hear my ramblings.


I've been making slow progress, and I MEAN slow progress in my gay life. I've been to the gay bar, and hated it there. It's not my kind of place, and definatly not populated with my kind of people.

So, from there I took another step: Going to the campus LGTB Centre. A nice place, with some nice people...But again I feel as though I haven't made any connections with the people there.

It feels like a clique, and right now I'm outside of it. I've talked more to the lesbians than I have to the other gay guys...

The thing is, I'm a very inward person. I have a lot of self-confidence problems, caused by a great many things that I will not get into here...

But, there's always thoughts running in my mind:

"No Scott, he's out of your league. Don't strike up a conversation unless he does, cause otherwise you become one of those stories he tells about this strange fellow who started talking to him."

And so forth.

I'm not comfortable starting the conversation, I much prefer to have the conversation started then try to start one. Get the ball rolling, and I'll start talking.

The thing is, as mentioned above, I haven't really met anyone at the LGTB Centre...And if that doesn't change, I don't know exactly what else to do.

I'm not the kind of person who "screams gay" when you look at him. So, it's doubtful that someone would approach me without knowing before hand. And seeing as I have no interest in returning to the bar....

You can see where I'm headed with this....Basically, for someone like myself, the Centre would be the last place to find and make some kind of gay connection with other people my age....And if that doesn't pan out...Where the hell else is there for me to go?


Perhaps the best plan is to just meld into the couch and end the rest of my days there...

I know, I'm young....Just means I have more time for sitting.

I wish I could help you friend. If I knew how young gay guys could meet I would patent the process.
You wrote that you've been to 'the gay' bar. Is there only one gay bar where you live? If not check out another.... but if there is only one could be that you should check it out again. Not all gay guys to to the bar every night. Could be you hit it on an 'off' night.
Sure you don't want to hear this but man.... you are a young guy. So it may take some time. Seems that you have no 'tells' about being a gay man... makes it tougher to meet someone but all in all that is probably beneficial in the long run.
It's much tougher being gay and meeting someone friend, much harder than the straights have it. Guess you choices now are finishing your education and moving to a larger city, being lucky where you are at, or just making your hand your best friend. (sorry man, don't mean to make light of your situation). It's a damned tough thing I know.
I've read your posts/threads on jub for sometime. You write well, have a good sense of humor and are a thoughtful guy. Someone in this world is just waiting for you to enter his life. Hope it will be sooner than later man.
I wish I had something to offer you....
tony

 

[Kurn]

Well, Reaper, try an off-Center strategy. Try some organization that's not specifically 'gay-clique' but which keeps your interest.
An interested person is interesting and attracts interesting people.
Check into the GLTB center every coupla weeks or so for a minute at least if you are so inclined.


^^^and what he said.

 

[screwnutty]

okay you two! That's enough self loathing! I've talked to both of you via PM's and you both interesting guys. I think your both concentrating too much on the need to connect. The need to feel welcome and stuff like that. I'm not going to tell you that you need to give it time and that it will happen, because I'm like you two. I don't like the gay bars and the whole group thing just isn't my bag baby! I'm 31 years old and find myself hanging out with straight guys and gals. There friends and all but they don't know what it's like to be gay. But you gotta stop wanting something to happen. Just let time take it's course. The most important thing to do is to meet friends and just hang....get out to places and meet more friends and hopefully eventually you run into it. That's what I'm hoping. Life isn't a race and it's not about coming out gay, being comfortable being gay, getting the boyfriend, marrying the boyfriend, and then retiring to that goat farm in the sky. It's about bettering yourself.........no wait, that's Star Trek.

Damn it Jim, you know what I mean! Just enjoy life well you can...cause the older you get...the hard it gets! Trust me!

 

[RyanKilter]

Hmmm well don't feel at all bad about posting a random muttering, chances are a few if not a lot of the rest of us have experienced/can connect to it on some level.

I'm kinda resigned to the thought of "love will find me". This coming after a few years of being a hardcore hunter. I tried to get into the gay scenes but even if I did meet someone, I knew they really were'nt what I wanted.

I think one of the only things I envy of straight people is that when one looks at the other all they usually need to do is figure out if there's a mutual attraction or not. Whereas we look at a guy, and unless he's blatantly gay, we automatically go for wishful thinking, hoping he's kinda interested in guys but daring not to ask.

On another note, I personally think one of the major factors in whether a guy is (mentally/personality-wise) attractive is if he exudes a healthy level of self confidence. This can be manifested in ways other than initiating a conversation. Which leaves room for me to start things up myself (since I'm a real go get'er or "get'im" at heart).

Anyway... when's all said and done we at least have eachother and JUB to vent on when the going's rough

 

[justsimon]

When I was in school I never once set foot in the LGBT Center, so you're ahead of me on that one. I did meet a lot of other queer kids at political events, though. I agree with Kurn, that an "off-center" strategy is worth a try. Good luck.

 

[Sausy]

Scott...you are intelligent,personable,funny,good looking,and sweet.......you will find some connection somewhere soon.You have made progress,and will continue to make progress in your social skills.You are worthy of catching someone's eye,and I highly doubt young guy you fancy would think you weird for approaching him and trying to get a conversation started.We're here for encouragement and support,and it's good to release all the inner fears and uncertainties as a healthy outlet to keeping it all inside and putting on a false front.But you really have a lot going for you,and I wish you'd realize that.You can't change your more introverted personality into something it's not,but you don't need to remake yourself to have a nice social life and feel like you belong.Just take the best elements of yourself,highlight them in social engagements,and keep true to yourself....you'll be fine.

 

[The_Reaper]

The thing is though.....


It takes a lot for me to even just go to the LGTB Centre....

I've been there about, oh...Has it really been 5 times now...

And every time, I'm worried about if someone sees me walk in...Or walk out.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with being gay...It's just it's a side of me that I only want to share with those I am close to, not something the entire world needs to know at this point.

As for it gets harder as you get older...It's hard already.

As much as you all deplore the self-loathing, I've had more than my fair share of experiences to back up my idea towards self-loathing.

I'm what I consider to be average in looks, when it comes to facial features...I feel like I'm a few pounds to many, and my cock is a few inches too few...That leads to the general assumption: How can I possibly please anyone, with such flaws?

I'm sure I'll hear arguments against what I've listed above, but I'm stead fast in this.

It's hard enough now, and if it's just going to get harder...Perhaps it's just best to throw in the towel for the race, even though it's just beginning.

I'm rather used to the sidelines by now, so whats the next 50 - 70 years of my life spending them where I've always been?

 

[RyanKilter]

Yes yes! To screwnutty you listen!
(Please excuse my inner Yoda)

Have fun and learn to be comfy with yourself (And yes, we ALL struggle with that).
I'm grateful that I made the choice to stop hunhting and instead focus on making myself happy in general, happy from within, not happy I have a bf that regulates my happiness.

hmmm on another note. Don't beat yourself down looks-wise...

 

[RyanKilter]

Meh what race?
The way I see it, the only race is the one you have against where you assume you "Should be" in life.
That's living regret, and is a rut inescapable, I do know.
Living day by day, step by step is my personal philosophy. Sure I've got goals, And I'll work towards them, but I wont beat myself mentally/emotionally anymore because I'm not where an unflawed/perfect me would be.

 

[slobone]

I completely understand what you're saying. There is a lot of cliqueishness, snobbishness, and just outright rejection in gay life. I don't know why we continue to do that to each other, but we do. I think you'll find that as you get older, the people you meet will also be less immature, but that doesn't help you much right now.

The only suggestion I can make for meeting people is to try the indirect approach, rather than only going out to places when they're in full cruise mode. For the gay bar, try going on a weekday night, when it's more relaxed and less crowded. It might be easier to find somebody to talk to then.

As for the GLBT center, what do they do there? Just hang out? Or sit around and talk? Do they have any groups or committees that actually try to get something done? Maybe if you joined an action-oriented group your voice could be heard a little better.

And patience is a must. It takes time to get to used to people. The new guy is always at a disadvantage.

Finally, I hate to say this, but there's always personals sites on the Internet. I know, I know, everybody hates them and says people are only interested in hookups. But I stubbornly think that can't be universally true. Put up an ad, be honest and appealing, and say right up front what it is you're looking for. Maybe that will cut down on the responses from superficial people? Maybe?

 

[screwnutty]

Scott you make some valid points but I'm going to show you your strengths. Remember all I know of you is from the 3 PM's I've sent you and some of your posts here on Jub.


Okay to begin.

The thing is though.....


It takes a lot for me to even just go to the LGTB Centre....

I've been there about, oh...Has it really been 5 times now...

And every time, I'm worried about if someone sees me walk in...Or walk out.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with being gay...It's just it's a side of me that I only want to share with those I am close to, not something the entire world needs to know at this point.

Totally understandable! I feel the same way on this issue as you do. It's nobody business but yours and the person your with right now. I don't need the whole world to know that "I'm here, I'm Queer and deal with it!" That's not me and by the sounds of it. It's not you. This does make things alittle bit more difficult since we sound like the type of person that doesn't set off ppl's gaydar. Which is okay, just means we have to work alittle harder but it does have it's benefits...were not going to get hassled in the streets in the bad parts of town.

As for it gets harder as you get older...It's hard already.

Yeah it is hard for you....but trust me. It gets harder as you get older. Though the one benefit of being older is that guys my age don't want to play mind games and were pretty much know what we want and what won't work for us. Course I don't envy you...because at your age. Most gay guys are totally all about the sex. the wam bam thank you sir...don't call me, I'll call you sometime stage. Not all young guys but a majority in my opinion are. As for it's hard....well it's hard. We gotta play the game with the cards that were dealt. "Gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold em!"

As much as you all deplore the self-loathing, I've had more than my fair share of experiences to back up my idea towards self-loathing.

Same here. Experiences can be bad. Not everybody likes me cause I don't feel the hollywood norm as they say. Which is really too bad....cause looks aren't everything. Sure I'm not 6' 3" with an 8inch cock and bleach blond hair with a sex drive that would put a rabbit to shame.....but do you really want that? Sure it's fun at first I guess....but after awhile it gets old. You want somebody that you can do other things with besides move the earth!

I'm what I consider to be average in looks, when it comes to facial features...I feel like I'm a few pounds to many, and my cock is a few inches too few...That leads to the general assumption: How can I possibly please anyone, with such flaws?

Oh no....average looks, few pounds to many and a cock that is a few inches too short. Gee lousie! How could anybody look past such flaws? UMMMMMM ME! You have a personality that burns brighter then the sun buddy! Your intelligent, thoughtful and smart. Hell you'd be a pleasure to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life! I don't want a person who thinks he's Michelangelo's David. You know why...cause then he think he's too good for anybody and then I'd have to break him down...cause my pet peeve is ppl who think there better then everybody else! So your average...with makes you a 10 out 10 in my book cause it means your Human!

It's hard enough now, and if it's just going to get harder...Perhaps it's just best to throw in the towel for the race, even though it's just beginning.

I'm rather used to the sidelines by now, so whats the next 50 - 70 years of my life spending them where I've always been?

Did Britain give in to Germany after taking months of air bombings? Did England give in to the advancing Roman Army? Have I given up on the Toronto Maple Leafs bring home a stanely cup in my life time? No. Neither should you. Okay so before I end this rant I'm going to quote a line from full metal jacket! I want you to practise in a mirror every day until you can do it without laughting or going this is so stupid. Trust me. It should install the confidence you need!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You got a war face! ARRRRRRRRRGH! That's a war face, let me see your war face!

good luck!

 

[trawler69]

I'm what I consider to be average in looks, when it comes to facial features...I feel like I'm a few pounds to many, and my cock is a few inches too few...That leads to the general assumption: How can I possibly please anyone, with such flaws?

I'm sure I'll hear arguments against what I've listed above, but I'm stead fast in this.

I can't argue about your self image. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But think of this: Have you ever seen someone who is unatractive to you? The answer will be yes loads. Now ask yourself this "are they all single?" the answer is no.

Time to stop looking inwardly at yourself but outwardly towards others. It's out there your future lies not a lifetime of introspection and lonliness. Remember what you get out of any group situation is proportional to what you put in. If you go up to someone and say "Hi I'm Scott, I'm trying to get some advice about how to meet some more Gay people outside this room, can you or anyone you know help me?" will get a more positive response than you waiting for them to introduce themselves to you "Hi I'm George how're you doing" "I'm doing ok thanks" "Great nice weather today" etc.

I hope you see what I am getting at. Be positive, forget what you think people might think of you because you are in no position to know what they think of you.

Oh and if those pics in your Gallery are of you I think you look gorgeous just my type. I read your posts, you've got intelligence and a sense of humour, even better. Now get out there and find a younger version of me!

 

[justsimon]

You have a personality that burns brighter then the sun buddy! Your intelligent, thoughtful and smart. Hell you'd be a pleasure to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life!

And you're extremely cute.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

This is my take:

Hope is NOT a plan.

You are both cute and nice looking. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you judging by your gallery pictures. Take it from someone, who has been known as picky and choosey all of his adult life.

Life is not simple. Finding a partner or even making friends in any environment is only easy, if you go by the Nifty Stories Archive. In real life, this is hard work.

I fully share your experience with the LGBT Centre. It was a completely useless waste of time. And so were many other bits of experience I have made, so far.

Experience is mostly unproductive. But the small bit that is useful and productive, covers up all the other 'fictional' losses.

So, this is what you need to do, INMHO, that is:

Dig in for a long haul. This will take time. Quick friendships, glorious sunsets and lots of hot sex mostly happen in the movies and rarely in real life.

You want to develop a strategy and a full plan. Trying is good. You want a full blown systematic plan. This is neither simple nor easy, unless you have managed to monopolize all the luck in the world.

Just going to one gay bar and one LGBT Center is precious very little to start with.

You want to use the web, with all its faults. You want to go out and hang out at various places. Do not fall for the usual str8 friends trap. They won't mind you but you will be going home alone...

Being gay in a relatively small town and being gay in most major metro areas are two very different things. A trip now and then will help you learn more about it and open new prospectives.

Sit down and think hard. Come up with an even better plan.

SC

 

[BoSoxFanVa]

Reaper, when I was young and just starting out, I was also kind of shy and didn't like big crowds. After a few attempts, I found that the gay bar scene wasn't for me. So I took a leap and joined a gay softball league. I've always been quite athletic but softball wasn't even on my radar. At first I was nervous as hell but then I discovered that these guys were here for fun, not just the competition. I ended up fitting right in with these guys and made lots of quality friends and even some dates. Softball led to flagg football, basketball and volleyball. So I met some genuine gay men that shared my interests. Many have turned out to be lifetime friends.

If sports are not your forte, then try politics or other social/volunteer groups. I joined the Universalist Unitarian Church which is very gay friendly and not overly religious in their teachings.

I also agree with slobone; try an internet dating site. In your profile stress that your not looking for just a hookup and keep it honest. There are other guys out there just like you looking. Here's a free internet dating site; www.plentyoffish.com. It also caters to our crowd.

Good luck.

 

[Orlandude]

I have to agree with many of the previous responses. I know it is hard to see/understand this right now BUT, in 4-5 years you are going to look back on how you feel now and wonder why you were so upset/concerned. I know it may get tiresome to hear this but you really are young. You are at that age where you are no longer a boy and entering manhood. It can be a strange time so be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up about it. Go out and have fun doing many things with many different kinds of people and stop focusing on only the gay aspects. In doing so, you WILL meet some great people, gay or straight. I agree with you about the bars and I am much older than you. The bars are the bars. They will never change. I, for one, never had a meaningful relationship come out of any bar. As many people as you do see in the bars, that's how many more don't go to the bars at all! I met partners in other places like, school, work and non-bar related social events and private parties. I can't help you on the gay youth groups as they did little for me.

Try a different approach with yourself. ENJOY being the age you are and go out and have fun. It doesn't HAVE to be gay to be fun. Believe me, time passes VERY quickly. Before you know it you'll be 30 and wishing you were 19 again. Above it all, be good to yourself.

 

[screwnutty]

Try a different approach with yourself. ENJOY being the age you are and go out and have fun. It doesn't HAVE to be gay to be fun. Believe me, time passes VERY quickly. Before you know it you'll be 30 and wishing you were 19 again. Above it all, be good to yourself.

This quote by Orlandude is very true Reaper! Time is a cruel mistress to some ppl but I like to view time as a friend, who goes along with us on our journey's and teaches us to enjoy ever second of the trip cause before you know it....it's over.


Also it comes down to what you believe in too. Does fate guide our life or do we? The one line I always remember from the movie T2 is "No fate, but what we make!"

anyways you've gotten a ton of suggestions. I wish you luck and keep us updated!

 

[GL]

Scott? What am I going to do with you. Don't make me drive all the way up there to spank some sense into you.

First off... there isn't a damn thing wrong with you. You are a handsome, cute, funny, bright, articulate and intelligent guy. So what if you're not some freakin' Adonis. Nine times out of ten they're dumber than dirt and equally shallow. You are a young man with a lot going for him. Don't worry about making "connections" at this point in time. Worry about doing well in school, about making new friends (both gay and straight). I would bet real money that when you stop worrying about making "connections" the right guy for you will come around.

Secondly, no more of this "sitting around" talk. The world would be a brighter place with your participation. I expect that you will be a mover and shaker just by how involved and passionate you are about the things that are important to you. Trust me when I tell you this, wallowing in your own pity will get you no where.

You're a good guy. Hell, you're a catch in my book. Take heart my friend. I truly believe that you are on the cusp of good things.