I want a different life. This isolation is crippling me, and I've no power to change.

[ChickenGuy]

For all the steps forward I've made in the last year, even the last month, one thing remains constant. I'm always dragged back to this remote and closed-minded backwater of an island, with no power to ever permanently leave.

It's as if I'm constantly trying to escape, yet never EVER managing to break free. I'm trapped. And I don't know where to turn, or what to do next. And it is hugely upsetting to me, and frustrating beyond words.

I no longer want the shut-in lifestyle that I was happy with for over a decade. But all these habits of mine are now ingrained, and I've got zero independence to do things by myself. Trips away from home just turn into desperate searches for someone to cling on to and follow around, before the inevitable forced return back home. I HATE IT.

And then I go online last night, and find all these communities, forums, chatrooms, dating, clubs, etc. But they're all for outgoing, confident people. People who find it easy to communicate, to socialise, to have fun, and most importantly, to be happy. And I feel that I'll never manage to have that life, the sort of life I so desperately want.

I want the company of guys my own age, preferable gay ones. Not for sex (not initially, anyway) but for friendships. I have no friends, I only ever had one proper one my whole life. I want to find a welcoming group of guys who'd support me and guide me through it all, with understanding and patience.

And you know the irony of it all? Because of my personality, any guys I meet would swear I was uncomfortable or not enjoying their company, because of my lack of input or enthusiasm. I wish I could change my awful anti-social tendencies.

I feel like I'm a misfit, like I'm some wierd, miserable, depressive person in his thirties who's been left behind while all the younger guys happily socialise in bars and clubs. I DON'T FEEL I BELONG ANYWHERE.

All these issues are hanging around like weights on me, and I don't have the ability to change them. My problems wouldn't still be around, if there was any sort of easy solution to them.

I know I've made enormous progress in the last year, finding JUB, coming out, going away by myself to the U.S., meeting JUBbers, but I always knew there would be the question 'What happens next?' after returning home from my trip.

I was upset again last night. And I'm once more considering phoning helplines for advice, like I once tried last year.

I have no answers on how to make my life a happy one.

 

[sabot3ur]

And then I go online last night, and find all these communities, forums, chatrooms, dating, clubs, etc. But they're all for outgoing, confident people. People who find it easy to communicate, to socialise, to have fun, and most importantly, to be happy.

But they're all searching for the same thing you are, right? I think you're psyching yourself out, meeting new people and dating or whatever can be uncomfortable and stressful, but it's worth it. And you have to force yourself to leave your comfort zone, that's no doubt what most of these people are doing.

 

[MarkMySpoT]

thanks for sharing the struggles that you are currently going through. unfortunately changes take time, so please hang in there as like you have said you have made so much progress over the past year. anyhow *hug*.

 

[alley]

Now you know what you are missing and it can be a great motivator to get out and go after what you want/need in your life. But it is up to you--no one else can give you a plan to get it done. You are going to have to sit down and evaluate what you want and how you are going to get there. I know it's not easy--I have my own problems with social anxiety. A job is a great place to start---any kind.

 

[Seasoned]

The fact that you've made changes and want to make more is your key to hope. You may be able to make greater changes alone or not. Call the help line for starters. Stay open to the possibility of mental health treatment.

In the meantime do a bit of research to see if your behavior matches any known conditions, Asperger's Syndrome, etc.

I suggest you write your goals down with the steps needed to get there. Take a risk a day no matter how small and note your progress.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm betting alley is finding your post fairly familiar. I know I am. It looks like another JUBber's post from when HE got back from his first JUB meet.

His situation was somewhat different from yours. He at least did have some friends, but he was deeply closeted. And after he got back from the JUB Meet at Disneyland...his previous life wasn't enough anymore. Once he met some other out-proud-n-happy homos, and spent time in a friendly welcoming atmosphere...the closet suddenly seemed far too confining.

I see some of that in your post. I don't know how your JUB meet went, but judging from just your first post in HT, it seems to have got quite well. You may not have been the life of the party, but you presumably chatted with some JUBbers, went out, did some stuff, and had a good time.

And now you're back at home with the chickens.
And now, more than ever before, you realize it's not enough.

These feelings aren't bad. They're in fact necessary. It's these sorts of feelings that force us out of our comfort zone, and press us forwards.

>>>And then I go online last night, and find all these communities, forums, chatrooms, dating, clubs, etc. But they're all for outgoing, confident people. People who find it easy to communicate, to socialise, to have fun, and most importantly, to be happy.

They're not.

Truly outgoing confident people don't NEED artificially constructed social groups. They just meet people during the course of their lives, befriend them, maybe have sex with a few. They're never in a position where they feel the need to "actively look for friends" - they've got friends all around. It's those who think "I'd like to make more friends, but I'm not sure how" who sign up for groups like the ones you mention.

Maybe they show happy, outgoing people in the ads. Well, of course they do. Are they gonna show a bunch of people sitting alone, looking down, not interacting? That's where you are now.

Maybe you've seen people on the site, and they ARE happy and interacting. That just means the damn things are working. That's what they're SUPPOSED to do - get these people conversing and getting to know each other and befriending each other.

Give it some thought.

>>>And you know the irony of it all? Because of my personality, any guys I meet would swear I was uncomfortable or not enjoying their company, because of my lack of input or enthusiasm. I wish I could change my awful anti-social tendencies.

Let me tell you something about myself. You know that "default" face? That face you have on when you're neither happy nor sad, but just sort of sitting there? Mine looks like I'm EXTREMELY put out by something. I'm not. But that's what it LOOKS like. It looks like I'm inwardly seething about life in general, when I'm actually just wondering where to have lunch.

This, not surprisingly, is something that can cause some confusion. People might think I'm really angry at something, when in reality I'm not. But I've learned something in my forty years. "People are a lot less likely to misread the signals if you keep them informed." Whenever I meet somebody, and we start a conversation, I bring this up. "Just so you know, sometimes I'll get this look on my face that makes it seem like I'm really put out. I'm not. I wish I didn't have that, but I don't want you to get weirded out by it." We usually joke about it a bit, we continue talking, and then when it happens, they don't misread it.

Take a cue from the gargoyle.

Let's say you go to some new group, and you're introducing yourself to everybody. You might say "Hi, I'm Chicken Guy. I'm kind of new to this sort of thing. I'm not great at socializing, and so you might see me clam up for some time because I don't know what to do or say. That doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself, or enjoying you. It just means I don't know what to do next. If you see me doing that, I'd love it if you'd ask me something, and help draw me out some more."

Yeah, it'll be hard. But you can be damned sure nobody will misread your silences after that.

Lex

 

[DJ1990]

uhh I have no idea what you are talking about.
There is more middle aged guys on gay dating websites than "outgoing young guys."
Most of the people I met on there didn't say much when I met them, not exactly outgoing.
They mostly talked about penises.
Maybe it's just living in Scotland, move to Florida, it's sunny.

 

[ChickenGuy]

I'm still having a terribly rough time just now. I'm desperately trying, each night, to find ANY solution about finding a way of meeting guys. I WANT GAY FRIENDS SO MUCH.

What I just found out that is even more galling is that, from a conversation with another JUBber, in America at least, there are apps and programs that can tell you if any guys in your area are available for get-togethers and stuff.

So, if you're confident and tech-oriented, you can meet with as many guys as you want, any time you want, literally at the touch of a button.

And here I am, no friends, no experience with communicating with guys my own age, ignorant of the right sort of websites to use, and stuck at home, on an island in the middle of nowhere.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW. There were literally tears of frustration tonight. I tried calling three gay/lesbian helplines. One was only open half of the week. One closed their lines at 10pm. One would close at 11pm, but despite being 15 minutes early, I was informed by automated message that it was closed to further calls.

So it had to be a national helpline. And this time, unlike last autumn, I actually got through to someone. So I talked for about half an hour to her, and told her all of it. And I told her about wanting to find supportive friends, and wanting to move away from home, somewhere, a city most likely, and how having openly gay friends would help SO MUCH with such a big step. And I mentioned travelling to the U.S. and meeting a group of guys. And when I got to the point of describing how I had to get back on the plane to head back home, I broke down in tears.

Anyway, she said to keep trying the gay/lesbian lines, who could offer more support and advice in that area. I'll try to contact them soon.

I'm completely out of options. It just seems to be such a desperate and hopeless situation.

 

[Telstra]

you are trapped in your comfort zone.

This might cheer you up abit:
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IyhHC0k0Bs&feature=related[/ame]

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>What I just found out that is even more galling is that, from a conversation with another JUBber, in America at least, there are apps and programs that can tell you if any guys in your area are available for get-togethers and stuff. So, if you're confident and tech-oriented, you can meet with as many guys as you want, any time you want, literally at the touch of a button.

Well, I don't really want to burst your "there-are-no-cats-in-America" routine, but it isn't exactly as simple as that. Nearly all the "get-togethers and stuff" involve taking your pants off, and not that many involve exchanging names before you get to that part. Yes, you can find gay friendships online, as well, but they're not of the instantaneous sort that you seem to be talking about.

But I forgot your backstory, so perhaps I need to go into this in a bit more detail. There IS no shortcut to friendship. You might "want gay friends so much", but friends (of any orientation) aren't picked out of a catalog. All that these apps and online things do is help find you possibilities. Which are nice, but they're insufficient. You still have to see if you click, and spend time getting used to each other, and gently nurture the relationship along. If friendships are flowers, these online things offer seeds. And unlike seeds from a packet, most of these probably won't grow. But you got to try them out, and see what happens.

Perhaps, in a way, it's best that you can't meet anybody right this second. Because if memory serves, you're not used to the whole "friendship" thing. And you might not have learned some of the basic guidelines of friendship that the rest of us have picked up over the years. Because of that, you might accidentally sabotage any potential friendship that comes your way, which might throw you deeper into despair than you are right now.

This isn't to suggest you're hopeless. It's just a friendly warning. If I'm not too far offbase with my assessment of you, then perhaps that's something we can discuss and work on - either here, or via PM. Then, when something does come your way, you'll be far less likely to trip over things.

Again, though, I see a lot of this other JUBber in you. It was surprising how much things change after meeting some of us in person.

Lex

 

[erobert]

First you need to know that you can change your situation. You're capable of change, so please don't think your situation is hopeless. You've made some progress this year and it seems you're moving in the right direction.

Even though I'm still relatively young I know how frustrating it is living in the closet; I'm slowly coming out because the closet has becoming too confining and being shy doesn't help either. I'm ready to change my situation and it sounds like you are too. You want more from life.

I first would suggest working to move out of your area and looking to rent a flat in London or Edinburgh. Move to the city. Many gay guys move away from the suburbs and country because that's an added layer of isolation they don't need and can no longer tolerate. There are many opportunities to meet like minded people around their age in a major city which their hometowns don't provide.

As Lex said making friends is a process and sometimes a slow one at that. This site may help you with how to socialize better with people and how to make friends again.

I would suggest getting a job next so you can earn money and be around other people during the day so at least you won't feel as isolated as you do now. Once you've been working there for a while and have money saved up than you can move and really begin to change things.

 

[hotatlboi]

with no power to ever permanently leave.

As long as you believe you have no power, you won't ever have it.

 

[Bradlee]

I'd agree with Lex's assessment of why you are feeling like this right now.
The feelings after a JUB meet can be very intense.

Believe me nothing is at "the touch of a button" unless you just want empty gay sex.Sounds to me you are looking for more than that though,

 

[Lube]

Really great advice here, ChickenGuy. I especially like Lex's take on things. He knows his stuff.

I have a lot to say, so this may be long.

You and I have a lot of similarities and a number of differences.

We both came out late. So forget the pity-party, OK? "Oh! I'm so old! Blah blah blah..." Well, I was 13 years older than you when I came out, and 4 years later I'm one of the happiest people on the planet. I mean, I don't guarantee everyone the same thing , but clearly there's hope.

So the next time you start whining, "oh, I'm so old...", just slap yourself on the face, and give me credit for it. Get over it.

Now, I totally get that our environments are like night and day. You're in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere, and I'm in a big bad liberal metropolis. Yes, there is a very big difference.

But it's not hopeless. Yes, most people are very conservative by you, but that doesn't mean that all of them are. You have to be creative. Start small, and build up a circle of friends and acquaintances who will embrace you for who you are.

Go to this site ( http://www.rainbowhotels.co.uk/search/ ) search for your town, and you will find no less than 6 (yes SIX!) gay-friendly B&Bs. In your tiny little hamlet! That tells you that there are plenty of people who would embrace you for who you are. In fact, people in the hospitality industry are (a) often gay themselves, and (b) have to deal with gay travelers with lots of cash, so they usually embrace them. (Not always, though)

So, if you can't get away just yet, look for "safe places" where you can be yourself around acquaintances. And it takes time for acquaintances to become friends.

Don't rush things. Things take time. It took me 4 years to get where I am today. It did not happen overnight for me. The first couple years were frustrating. Good, but slow-going. For me, it wasn't until I found the bear community that I finally felt at home. For you, it will be something else.

Secondly, find people who like what you like. You have the Internet. I never had that as a younger man. Find people who like to go to movies or raise chickens or whatever. Acquaintances turn into friends when you find you have common interests and common ways of looking at the world.

Third, if you can't get a job, volunteer. That's a great way to meet people. Volunteer for something you care about. Again, you'll find like-minded people.

You need to get out of the house!

As silly as that "Only Gay in the Village" video above was, that really is you sitting at the bar! You're telling yourself "Woe is me! I'm the only gay in the village!" But you're not! That's why the video is so funny. We all know people who think that way.

There are people out there (straight and gay) who will accept you for who you are. You need to find them.

That's your job: find gay-friendly people.

Then, you can build on your life from there. But you need that core of people that you can be yourself around.

You've already seen the other links I PM'ed you, so I think you're on your way.

Give it time.

R - E - L - A - X ! !

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is your new, improved life.

Give it time.

 

[saymyname]

Pack up your things and move to a big city that you like. Get a job lined up or whatever it is you do. It's not that hard to imagine. Just do it.

 

[bankside]

Please know that even if you spend almost every day from this moment forward in the company of good, gay friends, you will at some point turn inward and spend some time holding back from your newfound friends...

Don't hate yourself for that. Plan to forgive yourself if you must, but what you might realise once you do have the network of friends that you desire, is that all of us turn inward once in a while...all of us withdraw and can be awkward and out of our element, and all of us, if we choose, can accept it and move into the company of our fellow men again, without beating ourselves up.

A decade spent in relative seclusion was something you might have needed then; it protected you from situations you and I can only imagine, and it got you this far. You don't need to be ashamed of returning to that place of solitude, inside your own head, for the occasional visit. The world will wait.

In fact, all of us need to find some way of making that journey - it is a balance between our social selves and our private selves, a journey between the "I" and the "you" in phrases like "I love you." You have to know both ends of that phrase to say it with any true meaning, and the truth is it is never too late to make the journey from I to you with the people you meet, or with the people you may meet. All of us need to go back and forth, taking some time for being apart.

You've set some social goals for yourself. You don't have to work on those goals every waking minute. Sometimes you might want to stop and read a book, who knows? But you can always pick up again.

 

[rareboy]

You're feeling frustrated and depressed right now partly because you are crashing after your little vacation.

If you were really helpless and hopelessly isolated, you wouldn't even have gotten that far.

The first thing to do is schedule weekends away travelling and maybe longer trips with other groups.

You just need to practise socializing and get out there and see the big wide world.

It may set you up with some great new friends and certainly the experience will be educational and usually enjoyable.

We're actually on our way in a week or so to fly down to Chicago to meet up with a great couple we met on a Windstar cruise about 4 years ago, for instance. We have a single friend who travels regularly to keep from feeling shut off from the world. He also has met some great friends and had some great hook-ups along the way.

The cure for being isolated is not to be isolated.

 

[ChickenGuy]

So, I got through to someone today on one of the Gay/Lesbian helplines (the one that is based in Edinburgh) and she was very patient and understanding about my situation, and helpful with advice.

She and a few others, plus volunteers, run a community centre type of facility in the centre of the city, with various events and activities, where anyone can drop in to visit them at any time, and stay as long or short as they like. They get all ages of guys visiting them. She asked if there was any possibilty of me travelling there at any point, and I said yes (I was already planning on going away somewhere with the car at some point in the summer)

I had been thinking about the place the previous day actually, because I found out on a website that an Edinburgh Gay Pride event is taking place at the end of June. I mentioned this to her, and she knew all about it - they were even organising a breakfast on that particular morning, so that anyone who was interested could gather there, before going on to the parade. Oh, and she mentioned that there's also a Glasgow Pride event, just three weeks afterwards, in the middle of July.

They have various clubs that are organised from this building as well - jogging, badminton, photography, movies, gardening - and support groups and counsellors etc. It sounds like a really well-organised centre. And not that far away from Princes Street and the Castle (I've been to Edinburgh three times before - the last time by myself, on the train for the day, after visiting relatives in Fife)

Also, this was the city where my two cousins (who are sisters, in their twenties) stayed and worked for many years, and had many gay friends, and even went to gay bars themselves once or twice. I remember when I last talked to one of them, that she hinted how she could introduce me to some of her gay friends.

So, there's a possibility for a visit, at the very least, to Edinburgh in a month's time. I could 'test the waters' and see if I like the place.

And not only all that, I'm sure it's been described as Scotland's 'gay capital' (as well as it's capital)

Sounds like fun.

This might cheer you up abit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IyhHC0k0Bs&feature=related

I never watched that show, although I'm aware of that character. The humour of it is very astute and well-made. I guess they have a valid point at the heart of it about being that type of personality. But I would never pass over a Gay Trekkies club. As for a Gay Sex club, well, maybe for an 'initiation' one day, but all in good time, all in good time.

And you might not have learned some of the basic guidelines of friendship that the rest of us have picked up over the years. Because of that, you might accidentally sabotage any potential friendship that comes your way, which might throw you deeper into despair than you are right now. This isn't to suggest you're hopeless. It's just a friendly warning. If I'm not too far offbase with my assessment of you, then perhaps that's something we can discuss and work on - either here, or via PM.

I need all the possible advice on friendship, and avoiding the pitfalls, as I can get, Lex. If you want to say more on this topic, please feel free to post. And thankyou for your words of support.

Go to this site ( http://www.rainbowhotels.co.uk/search/ ) search for your town, and you will find no less than 6 (yes SIX!) gay-friendly B&Bs. In your tiny little hamlet!

LOL! Of those six places....

One has a daytime restaurant which me and my dad go to almost every month.
One is where my mother worked shortly after leaving school.
One used to be owned by my two great-great aunts.
One is on the street parallel to mine, just a block away.
One I pass by every weekend in my car, while doing my voluntary work.
One has another place to eat, and is owned by our former next-door neighbour.

As I say, it's a small town.

The first thing to do is schedule weekends away travelling and maybe longer trips with other groups. You just need to practise socializing and get out there and see the big wide world. It may set you up with some great new friends and certainly the experience will be educational and usually enjoyable.

With any luck, I'll manage just that sort of thing in Edinburgh next month.

Now, let's just hope that I don't do what the Only Gay In The Village did....

....chicken out.

 

[Lube]

You sound much more positive! Yay! Keep it up! (not *that* you dirty boy )

 

[BiMike]

LOL! Of those six places....

One has a daytime restaurant which me and my dad go to almost every month.
One is where my mother worked shortly after leaving school.
One used to be owned by my two great-great aunts.
One is on the street parallel to mine, just a block away.
One I pass by every weekend in my car, while doing my voluntary work.
One has another place to eat, and is owned by our former next-door neighbour.

As I say, it's a small town.

I checked my nearest large town in the south of the UK and it came up with only one gay friendly place! You live in a really gay friendly community compared to the south! From the information you have provided I have guessed where you live and I know the west coast quite well. I am really surprised at the results for our two communities!
Glad to hear about your proposed trip to Edinburgh.